here we go again

Went to yet another wedding today. But, this one was wonderful. It was beautiful, elegant, actually, perfect, a far, far cry from that catastrophe last week. My friend G and her boyfriend O got married. I am so happy for them, they seem so happy. Then, in the midst of this wonderful wedding, I began to feel so sad because it comes to me that no one that I have ever loved has ever loved me enough to make such a committment to me. I feel that I have wasted so much time on bad relationships. Alone, I wasted nearly two years with Mysterious Ex, hoping that things would get better. I, for a short time, questioned myself. What is it I'm doing? Why do I keep allowing myself to get mixed up in such foolishness? I'm not sure. I think I am so sure of myself. I think that I think I am so wonderful, but, I am alone. Even with the relationship between M.E. and I, I have been alone for about 3 years. My relationship with M.E. was not real, we barely spent time together, I was normally by myself anyway. So, I haven't REALLY been in a relationship since 2002 when I was with this horrible man who tried to beat my ass. and before that, I was with this guy for 6 years who left me and got this girl pregnant. What does all of this say about the kind of person I am. Are relationships just my bad thing? We all have something about us that is fucked up. I have a wonderful friend who is great but can't seem to pronounce the word spaghetti, (she says skasketti) that's her bad thing. ANother friend of mine is terrific, she smart, great, she just dabbles in hard core drugs, she's not an addict, its just her bad thing. Maybe relationships are mine. People always seem to be amazed that I am not in a committed relationship. Everyone thinks I'm so great, but there obviously must be something wrong with me. I wish I knew what it was. Do I just pick bad men? Do I allow too much of myself to go? What is it? Why am I this way? All day I've been thinking of this. I've wanted to cry all day long and I finally did when I got home.

My cousin Lovely went with me to the wedding. Whe came back to my house with me for a bit but she went home a while ago. We were talking and she had some things to say. She says that she thinks I should hold off on the adoption thing, she says that I need to heal from my relationship with M.E., she says that she doesn't think having a child right now is the best thing for me. I told her, I always thought that at this point in my life, I would be married and preparing for my first child. I told her that I cannot put my life on hold for something that may not happen. She tells me, you are only 27, you're still a young woman. I asked her, so when will I be old enough? Should I wait until I am 37 and go, okay, that's long enough, now I'll move on with my life? At this point, I am a working teacher. I am not rich but, I'm not starving either. In about two or so years, I will be making like 50,000 dollars more than I am making now, I have a house, I have tenants, I have some land, I live near family, this is what I want to do. Should I not do this because I don't have a man? She tells me that she thinks I'm a great person and I would make a wonderful mom but she feels I am rushing into the baby thing. I told her, look what I come home to, an empty house. I have Sam whom I love dearly, I have my cat whom I also love and that is it. THO lives near and I love her, but she is my mom. Almost everyone I know has a family, that is what I want. Should I not have that because of the absence of a man? No. I could wait forever, should that mean that I shouldn't love a child? Should that mean that I can't have at least some of the life I want? She said she sees my point but that she also has one. Ultimately, I am the only person that can decide this, and this is what I want. I am tired of waiting for someone to act right or get their shit together or turn out to be someone I was not expecting. I am ready to move on with my life and this is the direction I'd like it to go in.