I'm tired of being by myself. I meet men all of the time, but either they just aren't what I am looking for, or if they are okay, nothing really seems to happen between us. I don't want to be one of those desperate looking for a man type women and I can be on my own but truthfully, I feel like I have been alone for so long. Before Mysterious Ex and I got togrther, I took a two year break from dating because I had gotten out of a REALLY bad relationship. That in itself isn't entirely true. I kind of dated this girl who turned out to be a real nut and besides, I'm not really into women on the permanent side so I guess I really did take a break. For the year and a half M.E. and I were together, we were constantly breaking up and going through bullshit and half the time that we were together as a couple, I was alone. I really feel as though I wasted a lot of time with M.E. The sad thing is, I felt that I should have broken up with him a long time ago but there was this side of me that felt that if I didn't try to see what was between us, I would never had known if he and I could have made it or not. I am always a softee when it comes to love. I am always trying to make something work when I know all too well that I shouldn't. When it comes to a good relationship, what is most important? I have given up on decent men because I thought they were dumb or not knowledgeable enough or because they had a crappy low paying job. I've always had this idea of what a good man is supposed to be, and though I have found men to seem to fit into that category, they always seem to be fucked up in their own right. The majority of my friends seem to be in relationships. I'm not bummed because I feel like I should be in one too, it's more like what's wrong with me that I can't seem to make it work. I just keep seeming to be choosing the wrong kind of man. I feel that must be a huge reflection on me as an individual and even after a lot of soul searching and asking around of different people, I can't seem to figure out what the problem is. I think I just try to hard. I am very determined and while that may be cool in some aspects of life, like getting double degrees and going after principal certifications, it seems to not fare so well in other aspects of life, like knowing when to let go of a fucked up relationship. I just always want everything to work out and I seem to give my all even if it shourt changes me. I have to stop that, I honestly do. I'm just feeling really bummed out now, I guess I needed to get that out.

I received a letter today saying that my application for adoption has been closed because I asked to be moved to another agency. Mind you none of this is true. I cannot call until Thursday because Monday is a holiday. Originally I thought it was cute that my social worker is 84 and has been working for 64 years, now I just think that chick is out of her mind. I am so angry because I've never told her such a thing. I just spoke to her a few days ago and she was reassuring me that everything would be fine. She even told me she remembers me more than her other clients because her grand daughter and I have that same name. On top of all of that, I am the only one of her clients who has requested a Black baby boy, everyone wants a Black or Caucasian or Asian GIRL! What is wrong with this woman? It is so aggravating. I was having a day where I was shopping for baby items, researching to see which things would be best, and I actually started moving things around in my studio (which I will be making into the nursery) so that I can box my art supplies up (I'm going to make my basement into my studio) and I get this letter. It bummed me out for a minute because I took it as a sign that maybe I shouldn't be a mom yet then something said Fuck that! This is what I want and I am going to do what needs to be done.

For a bit of time today, I was thinking that I should just get pregnant and have a naturally. Then it occurs to me, who would get me pregnant? I have guy friends but they are acquaintences (sp?) no one I would want to sleep with. I was thinking of calling an ex or two of mine but, I am not one for unprotected sex, especially with someone I am not in a committed relationship with. With all of the diseases in the world, I don't want to catch something simply because I want a baby. I thought of my "friend" C, that older rich guy but, ewwww, I can't see myself having sex with him. I even thought of going to a sperm bank. I researched it for about twenty minutes, but quickly stopped. The only person I know would not give me a disease and who I would want to have a child with is my friend K in Chicago but he says:
#1 He would prefer to have a child with his wife when he gets one
#2 He would at the very least want to have a child with someone who lived in Chicago
#3 Why don't I just wait a bit? He and I made a pact to marry one another if I am not married by the time I am 36 (9 years from now), so if all else fails, we can have our baby then.

Needles to say, I was not amused. I've even thought about getting back together with Myserious Ex so that I can try to get pregnant an then breaking up with him again. But, on the occasions that we haven't used a condom, M.E. is very sperm conscious and quite stingy with his bodily fluids. Alas, I seem to be back at adoption.