5.08.2005
?
I spoke with Mysterious Ex this morning and it occurs to me as I am speaking to him, I don't think he is for me. The other day, I invited him to have Mother's Day dinner with me and my family at my brother's house and he says, "that sounds like a plan" but this morning his mom, who lives in Florida, suddenly makes an appearance here in NY and he is going to do something with her. Now, I realize that she is his mother and I am in no way thinking that I have precedent over her believe me but, I do find it strange that he did not say during the week, my mom is coming up for Mother's Day or she will be here for the weekend, he makes no mention of her but then suddenly she is here. He does weird things like this every so often, just strange unexplained things, hence his name, Mysterious Ex. While speaking to him this morning, it just really hit me (again) there is this constant battle between us, something that I really don't want to give much energy to anymore. There is this thing where I try to include him in my life, I make an effore for him to share things with me but I feel that he is constantly pushing me away or rather, that he is not even attempting to include me in his life. There are times when I feel that he is giving me great effort, when I feel that things could work between us and all could be well, but then, I get this type of thing where I feel as though I am continuosly on the outside, where I feel that I am always trying so hard to be apart of him and that is something that I am no longer going to do. I don't feel as though I should be at war with him. If he wants me to be apart of him and his life then this should come easy, it should just be. But, it isn't that way, I don't think it will be and I am not going to try to make it that way. In short, I give up, I will not try, it will from now on be all on him so, I think that we are over.
5.07.2005
Eaten Today
Breakfast:
Cheese omelet, sausage, toast, coffee
Lunch:
Salami Sandwich potato chips
Dinner:
Salami Sandwich potato chips
Hours on Phone:
over 12
Resumes: none, it's Saturday
Bought:
nada
I have spent ALL day on the phone with New Guy. Mysterious Ex is off somewhere doing something and so I have been on the phone wasting time. New Guy wanted to hang out today but I would not see him since I am trying not to confuse myself anymore than I already am. I do have to say we are having one of the best conversations I have ever had. I am very comfortable with him, I can say what I want, do what I want and I don't feel weird about what I am saying. I'll write more later.
Breakfast:
Cheese omelet, sausage, toast, coffee
Lunch:
Salami Sandwich potato chips
Dinner:
Salami Sandwich potato chips
Hours on Phone:
over 12
Resumes: none, it's Saturday
Bought:
nada
I have spent ALL day on the phone with New Guy. Mysterious Ex is off somewhere doing something and so I have been on the phone wasting time. New Guy wanted to hang out today but I would not see him since I am trying not to confuse myself anymore than I already am. I do have to say we are having one of the best conversations I have ever had. I am very comfortable with him, I can say what I want, do what I want and I don't feel weird about what I am saying. I'll write more later.
5.06.2005
Where in the crap did these come from?
So, I'm still on my feel good high, fine I'm fat, actually fatter THAN I"VE EVER BEEN but, hell, I'm still H-O-T, right? I've been obsessing over my thighs and in the midst of all of that, I've forgotten about these two MASSIVE mounds that have taken root on my chest. I put on a push up bra this morning (as though I really need one now) but I like a little cleave every now and then and instead of making a beautiful accentuated crevice of boob, there were these two things just there blocking my view of my nice new shoes. Where the hell did these things come from? Where have they been all this time? I mean, I'm sure sensibly one would assume that my boobs would have grown larger along with my waist, thighs, butt, arms, legs and every other part of my body but goodness gracious, these things are monsterous. As though to get their own point across of their newly obtained mass, while eating a piece of toast, a chunk fell off the bread, or out of my mouth, not sure of that one yet, and stuck, literally STUCK itself into the little or not quite so little crevice or rather cavity created by my boobs. I actually had to dig down in there and get them out. Now, I sit braless, something I very rarely do, these babies are usually strapped to my chest like shrink wrapped cookies, and there is so much movement, even when I myself move very little. Even a quick breathing quiver, yes I actually did it and yes I DO have a LOT of time on my hands sends the twins a flapping. Scary, scary stuff.
5.05.2005
Do things grow stickier yet?
Eaten so far:
Breakfast: Rice Krispies
Lunch: Rice Krispies (ran out of Frosted Flakes again)
Dinner: Kielbasa (spelling?) with onions and peppers, coconut rice and spinach
Resumes: None so far, just got in a bit ago
Exercise: Left my pedometer home today (blast!) but, did a significant amount of walking and in heels no less, plus, engaged in a little amorous activity which HAS to account for some type of exercise
Bought: A crap load of stuff today, coupon for Lane Bryant + Clearance Rack + First Thursday of the month sale = Lots of stuff for very little, needless to say, I am very happy
Well, thirty pounds or not, I am still officially H-O-T. Boy, staying home unemployed really makes a girl forget that actually is considered cute in society. I do admit that I felt really good about myself today. My jeans were cute, pluse the new blazer I wore and my heels looked great. My hair wasn't too frizzy, my make up was great, I just had a great body/hair/face day today. Some really good looking guys were trying to talk to me (not at all that I need yet another man beckoning me but, it felt nice) I did some great shopping, overall I'd have to say a pretty delightful day, at least so far.
So, Mysterious Ex and I jung out last night and despite my telling myself over and over, NO and despite polishing myself off not once but three times befor he came over, we still did the deed, and boy was it fun! I forgot how great sex was, not that I really forgot but I haven't done it in a few months so, I kind of forgot. WHat fun, what excitement, what calories I burned. A good time was had by all and by that I mean Mysterious Ex and yours truly.
New Guy called twice while Mysterious Ex was here, the first time I ignored the call but, I didn't want to appear suspicious so the next time he called, I answered. I promplty told him I needed to call him back and I knew I hurt his feelings. It wasn't my intention but, I very well couldn't carry on a conversation with him while M.E. was over here, that would be just plain whorish.
On the way home today, I was thinking, I do a lot of this lately. Mysterious Ex and I have lots of fun together. I love him, yes and for the past few weeks (like 2 or maybe 3), there has been a significant change in our relationship but, Mysterious Ex had a year. I gave him a year of my attention, my love, of being there for him and he took that for granted. He says that has come to his senses know, that he is ready to truly be in a "real" relationship but, what message am I sending him by so easily and willingly going back to him? Does he know think that he can do as he pleases because I love him so much that I will just take what he dishes out and still accept him? Has he truly seen how our relationship was hurting before and he really wants it to change? What are we doing? We speak of marriage and children but it always is like in the distant future. Not that I am ready to be married and made into a mom right now but, I'd like to know that will be the end result of our relationship. I'd like to know that we aren't just sitting around wasting time with one another.
On the flip side. New Guy is so sure of what he wants but, I am not willing to let go. What if things don't work out between us? What if our relationship is superficial since since we have really just met. I mean at the very least, M.E. and I have been through things together and in my personal and humble opinion, our relationship is stronger for it. It just feels right to be with him. When Mysterious Ex and I are together, I just feel as though he is with whom I belong. I see babies and a house, I see us in bed with children, on the couch watching tv and loving each other. Right now, I don't see that with New Guy but, am I just keeping myself from seeing that? I'm not sure.
Breakfast: Rice Krispies
Lunch: Rice Krispies (ran out of Frosted Flakes again)
Dinner: Kielbasa (spelling?) with onions and peppers, coconut rice and spinach
Resumes: None so far, just got in a bit ago
Exercise: Left my pedometer home today (blast!) but, did a significant amount of walking and in heels no less, plus, engaged in a little amorous activity which HAS to account for some type of exercise
Bought: A crap load of stuff today, coupon for Lane Bryant + Clearance Rack + First Thursday of the month sale = Lots of stuff for very little, needless to say, I am very happy
Well, thirty pounds or not, I am still officially H-O-T. Boy, staying home unemployed really makes a girl forget that actually is considered cute in society. I do admit that I felt really good about myself today. My jeans were cute, pluse the new blazer I wore and my heels looked great. My hair wasn't too frizzy, my make up was great, I just had a great body/hair/face day today. Some really good looking guys were trying to talk to me (not at all that I need yet another man beckoning me but, it felt nice) I did some great shopping, overall I'd have to say a pretty delightful day, at least so far.
So, Mysterious Ex and I jung out last night and despite my telling myself over and over, NO and despite polishing myself off not once but three times befor he came over, we still did the deed, and boy was it fun! I forgot how great sex was, not that I really forgot but I haven't done it in a few months so, I kind of forgot. WHat fun, what excitement, what calories I burned. A good time was had by all and by that I mean Mysterious Ex and yours truly.
New Guy called twice while Mysterious Ex was here, the first time I ignored the call but, I didn't want to appear suspicious so the next time he called, I answered. I promplty told him I needed to call him back and I knew I hurt his feelings. It wasn't my intention but, I very well couldn't carry on a conversation with him while M.E. was over here, that would be just plain whorish.
On the way home today, I was thinking, I do a lot of this lately. Mysterious Ex and I have lots of fun together. I love him, yes and for the past few weeks (like 2 or maybe 3), there has been a significant change in our relationship but, Mysterious Ex had a year. I gave him a year of my attention, my love, of being there for him and he took that for granted. He says that has come to his senses know, that he is ready to truly be in a "real" relationship but, what message am I sending him by so easily and willingly going back to him? Does he know think that he can do as he pleases because I love him so much that I will just take what he dishes out and still accept him? Has he truly seen how our relationship was hurting before and he really wants it to change? What are we doing? We speak of marriage and children but it always is like in the distant future. Not that I am ready to be married and made into a mom right now but, I'd like to know that will be the end result of our relationship. I'd like to know that we aren't just sitting around wasting time with one another.
On the flip side. New Guy is so sure of what he wants but, I am not willing to let go. What if things don't work out between us? What if our relationship is superficial since since we have really just met. I mean at the very least, M.E. and I have been through things together and in my personal and humble opinion, our relationship is stronger for it. It just feels right to be with him. When Mysterious Ex and I are together, I just feel as though he is with whom I belong. I see babies and a house, I see us in bed with children, on the couch watching tv and loving each other. Right now, I don't see that with New Guy but, am I just keeping myself from seeing that? I'm not sure.
5.04.2005
Have no funny little title
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: scrambled eggs, grits, toast, coffee (I dreamt of breakfast last night, how sick is that?)
Lunch: Salami and cheese sandwich and two slices of salami (I realized there were only two slices left and didn't want to make a crummy sandwich next time around so, hence the two extra slices)
Dinner: Chili and cornbread
hours on phone: about 3, 1 was job related
Resumes: 2, it's a slow job posting day
Exercise: I walked 2.5 miles today or according to my pedometer, 6,147 steps, I'm trying to get back up to my 5 miles a day, my thigh incident last week scared me straight
Bought: Received wonderful coupon from Lane Bryant so, I got a blazer, a few shirts for summer and a pair of new BIGGER jeans, also picked a job application and interview for next week (go me!) so that's a bit exciting, said job comes with 40% discount (woohoo!) so hope that works out. Might be a huge transition from teaching to retail but, I'm so poor at this point I'll mop floors (not really, just saying that)
So, I spoke to New Guy, and told him we should switch his birthday celebration to the weekend. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, I'm supposed to be narrowing down my decision to ONE man and here I am making plans to hang out with him. The thing is, he's a really nice guy, he's very respectful, and nice, we have so many things in common, it's scary. Last night, I spoke to Mysterious Ex for like 2 hours, when we got off the phone I instantly thought "awww, no wonder I love him so much, he's so great". I don't like that I'm causing so much confusion for myself. I spoke to this guy friend of mine and tells me to date both of them, not anything physical but just see who "wins" basically he tells me things should become more apparent to me as time goes on. I hope that he is right.
On the job front, after spending some of the little money I have at Lane Bryant, I saw job applications, and decided to fill one out. I never thought I would work in retail but times are getting rough, I can't sit around waiting for another great job to come around and sitting here day after day is driving me crazy (there is only so much watching Oprah and doing crafts a girl can take). I filled out the application, sent in my resume and was granted an interview next week. Cool, I could use a regular paycheck around here not to mention the distraction of a job.
While planting in the garden, Samson discovered the joy of seed packets. Now he's running around the house stealing them. I had to put them up on the refrigerator in order to keep him from shaking them around the house. My dog is sweet but boy is he easily entertained, I mean seed packets, come on.
I am sitting here waiting for Mysterious Ex to come over. I thoroughly worked myself over earlier so hopefully that will be enough for my crazy raging hormones.
I was added to the Chubby Girl Brigade member list today, that really brightened my day. M.E.'s car just pulled up outside, will have to finish this later.
Breakfast: scrambled eggs, grits, toast, coffee (I dreamt of breakfast last night, how sick is that?)
Lunch: Salami and cheese sandwich and two slices of salami (I realized there were only two slices left and didn't want to make a crummy sandwich next time around so, hence the two extra slices)
Dinner: Chili and cornbread
hours on phone: about 3, 1 was job related
Resumes: 2, it's a slow job posting day
Exercise: I walked 2.5 miles today or according to my pedometer, 6,147 steps, I'm trying to get back up to my 5 miles a day, my thigh incident last week scared me straight
Bought: Received wonderful coupon from Lane Bryant so, I got a blazer, a few shirts for summer and a pair of new BIGGER jeans, also picked a job application and interview for next week (go me!) so that's a bit exciting, said job comes with 40% discount (woohoo!) so hope that works out. Might be a huge transition from teaching to retail but, I'm so poor at this point I'll mop floors (not really, just saying that)
So, I spoke to New Guy, and told him we should switch his birthday celebration to the weekend. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, I'm supposed to be narrowing down my decision to ONE man and here I am making plans to hang out with him. The thing is, he's a really nice guy, he's very respectful, and nice, we have so many things in common, it's scary. Last night, I spoke to Mysterious Ex for like 2 hours, when we got off the phone I instantly thought "awww, no wonder I love him so much, he's so great". I don't like that I'm causing so much confusion for myself. I spoke to this guy friend of mine and tells me to date both of them, not anything physical but just see who "wins" basically he tells me things should become more apparent to me as time goes on. I hope that he is right.
On the job front, after spending some of the little money I have at Lane Bryant, I saw job applications, and decided to fill one out. I never thought I would work in retail but times are getting rough, I can't sit around waiting for another great job to come around and sitting here day after day is driving me crazy (there is only so much watching Oprah and doing crafts a girl can take). I filled out the application, sent in my resume and was granted an interview next week. Cool, I could use a regular paycheck around here not to mention the distraction of a job.
While planting in the garden, Samson discovered the joy of seed packets. Now he's running around the house stealing them. I had to put them up on the refrigerator in order to keep him from shaking them around the house. My dog is sweet but boy is he easily entertained, I mean seed packets, come on.
I am sitting here waiting for Mysterious Ex to come over. I thoroughly worked myself over earlier so hopefully that will be enough for my crazy raging hormones.
I was added to the Chubby Girl Brigade member list today, that really brightened my day. M.E.'s car just pulled up outside, will have to finish this later.
I'm Crazy
Today is New Guy's birthday so what do I do? I tell him I'll make him dinner and bake him a cake. What's up with me? Why do I do that? I have some serious issues.
5.01.2005
I have to make some serious choices
Eaten:
Breakfast: Oatmeal and banana strawberry smoothie
Dinner: Rice, Chicken, Plantanos
Hours on phone: over 7 (it was rainy all day)
Resumes: 2 (it's Saturday)
Exercise: ha ha
Bought: Nothing today though, I have big shopping planned for next week
I cannot keep doing this. I feel as though I am leading New Guy on and that is something I don't want to do. I think this is the deal. I love Mysterious Ex and I would love if things worked out between us, but I feel as though I cam keeping New Guy on the back burner in case things don't work out between Mysterious Ex and I. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that person. The thing is, he is a great guy and if there was no Mysterious Ex, I would totally dig him completely but, there is a Mysterious Ex so that complicates things to no end. The other thing is, if I had complete faith in Mysterious Ex, there would be no need for New Guy to still be around. Just the fact that I have him around proves that I don't truly trust where things are going with Mysterious Ex. I don't want to be that "what are we doing, where are we going" type girl but all jokes aside, I need to know. I am not 22 or 23 any more. I just can't aimlessly be in some relationship crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. There are certain things that I would like to do in life and I feel that I would like to be with someone who also wnat to do those things. The thing is, Mysterious Ex and I have spoken so much about "us" we've been through a WHOLE lot in the last year alone. I feel as though things are just beginning to come to a place where we are easing into a decent kind of relationship. Mind you thins has really only been going on for like a week. There are still some things between us that I feel a bit uncomfortable with but, I see where he's trying to make an effort. But, these same issues just don't exist at all with New Guy and I've known him for such a shorter period of time. What does this all say? I honestly have to say that I think I believe in fate and all that jazz. When Mysterious Ex and I got together, I thought it was fate working itself. I thought we were supposed to be together because we clicked so well but, we had huge communication problems, huge trust issues, we couldn't even have a simple disagreement without things getting totally out of control and turning into something so big and unneccesary. We keep getting back together, we keep trying to make it work but thus far, it hasn't. This last time has been the only time that we have tried together we talked things out, we decided what we wanted to do but this is the first time. Things are different in a sense but, we are the same people though we both want the same thing, old habits die hard, I know that. Is it better to leave what you know for something you don't know just because you think it may possibly be better? What happens if things don't work out there, after doing that, there is no going back and even with our problems, where in the world will I ever find another Mysterious Ex?
Breakfast: Oatmeal and banana strawberry smoothie
Dinner: Rice, Chicken, Plantanos
Hours on phone: over 7 (it was rainy all day)
Resumes: 2 (it's Saturday)
Exercise: ha ha
Bought: Nothing today though, I have big shopping planned for next week
I cannot keep doing this. I feel as though I am leading New Guy on and that is something I don't want to do. I think this is the deal. I love Mysterious Ex and I would love if things worked out between us, but I feel as though I cam keeping New Guy on the back burner in case things don't work out between Mysterious Ex and I. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that person. The thing is, he is a great guy and if there was no Mysterious Ex, I would totally dig him completely but, there is a Mysterious Ex so that complicates things to no end. The other thing is, if I had complete faith in Mysterious Ex, there would be no need for New Guy to still be around. Just the fact that I have him around proves that I don't truly trust where things are going with Mysterious Ex. I don't want to be that "what are we doing, where are we going" type girl but all jokes aside, I need to know. I am not 22 or 23 any more. I just can't aimlessly be in some relationship crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. There are certain things that I would like to do in life and I feel that I would like to be with someone who also wnat to do those things. The thing is, Mysterious Ex and I have spoken so much about "us" we've been through a WHOLE lot in the last year alone. I feel as though things are just beginning to come to a place where we are easing into a decent kind of relationship. Mind you thins has really only been going on for like a week. There are still some things between us that I feel a bit uncomfortable with but, I see where he's trying to make an effort. But, these same issues just don't exist at all with New Guy and I've known him for such a shorter period of time. What does this all say? I honestly have to say that I think I believe in fate and all that jazz. When Mysterious Ex and I got together, I thought it was fate working itself. I thought we were supposed to be together because we clicked so well but, we had huge communication problems, huge trust issues, we couldn't even have a simple disagreement without things getting totally out of control and turning into something so big and unneccesary. We keep getting back together, we keep trying to make it work but thus far, it hasn't. This last time has been the only time that we have tried together we talked things out, we decided what we wanted to do but this is the first time. Things are different in a sense but, we are the same people though we both want the same thing, old habits die hard, I know that. Is it better to leave what you know for something you don't know just because you think it may possibly be better? What happens if things don't work out there, after doing that, there is no going back and even with our problems, where in the world will I ever find another Mysterious Ex?
4.29.2005
Things are getting a bit sticky
Eaten Yesterday:
Breakfast: Frosted Flakes (about 7 am)
2nd Breakfast: oatmeal (about 12)
Lunch: Bologna sandwich with chips (about 3)
Dinner: Pizza (about 7)
Hours on the phone: about 4
Resumes: 2 (I have a phone interview today)
Exercise: very little I was pretty sedentary
Bought: Nada
Well, I had this long conversation with New Guy yesterday and I think I should stop speaking to him. He is getting VERY into me and I guess I still see him as just someone to talk to and hang out with. I don't want to string him along, I don't want to make him feel hope for something that might not be. I tried explaining this all to him but he feels that if I just stop seeing Mysterious Ex and focus more energy on him and us, then my feelings will change. They probably would if I focused more energy on him but, I am not willing to let Mysterious Ex go. I will let New Guy go before I get rid of M.E. even with all of our faults. Then I have to wonder, would I be selling myself short if I do so? Yes, Mysterious Ex and I have problems, and yes, things are moving slowly in the the working it out department but, I have strong feelings for Mysterious Ex. I love him, what if I take New Guy up on his suggestion and everything is not right. What if I never find someone I connect with the way that I connect with Mysterious Ex. New Guy is nice but, he's on the surface, brand new guy nice. We get along yes but, what if I don't have the feelings for him that I have for Mysterious Ex, then what? I know that it takes more than love to make a relationship work. I know that at this point, New Guy knows exactly what he wants he is very sure and aware of the type of relationship he wants and that is in total alignment with what I want but, is it enough to just want the same things? I think I need more than that. Again, I'm not sure what I should do.
On the job front, I went on an interview the other day with a private school. It's a really great position teahcing an advanced 5th grade with lots of academic freedom but, it's so far from my house. I should be called back for a second interview in about 2 weeks or so so, we'll see.
My dog Samson has a new ball and he is driving me crazy with it. A friend of mine gave it to him, it rolls around, lights up and get stuck under the couch, bed, dresser, sink, toy chest like every 20 minutes where he, instead of trying to get it, runs stands directly in front, or to the left or right of me and begins barking at full lung capacity and tempo until I lug my fat ass up to get it. God, I thought is was sweet of her when she gave it to him but now, I'm so tired of that thing. I want to hide it, I'll have to do that when he's not looking.
Breakfast: Frosted Flakes (about 7 am)
2nd Breakfast: oatmeal (about 12)
Lunch: Bologna sandwich with chips (about 3)
Dinner: Pizza (about 7)
Hours on the phone: about 4
Resumes: 2 (I have a phone interview today)
Exercise: very little I was pretty sedentary
Bought: Nada
Well, I had this long conversation with New Guy yesterday and I think I should stop speaking to him. He is getting VERY into me and I guess I still see him as just someone to talk to and hang out with. I don't want to string him along, I don't want to make him feel hope for something that might not be. I tried explaining this all to him but he feels that if I just stop seeing Mysterious Ex and focus more energy on him and us, then my feelings will change. They probably would if I focused more energy on him but, I am not willing to let Mysterious Ex go. I will let New Guy go before I get rid of M.E. even with all of our faults. Then I have to wonder, would I be selling myself short if I do so? Yes, Mysterious Ex and I have problems, and yes, things are moving slowly in the the working it out department but, I have strong feelings for Mysterious Ex. I love him, what if I take New Guy up on his suggestion and everything is not right. What if I never find someone I connect with the way that I connect with Mysterious Ex. New Guy is nice but, he's on the surface, brand new guy nice. We get along yes but, what if I don't have the feelings for him that I have for Mysterious Ex, then what? I know that it takes more than love to make a relationship work. I know that at this point, New Guy knows exactly what he wants he is very sure and aware of the type of relationship he wants and that is in total alignment with what I want but, is it enough to just want the same things? I think I need more than that. Again, I'm not sure what I should do.
On the job front, I went on an interview the other day with a private school. It's a really great position teahcing an advanced 5th grade with lots of academic freedom but, it's so far from my house. I should be called back for a second interview in about 2 weeks or so so, we'll see.
My dog Samson has a new ball and he is driving me crazy with it. A friend of mine gave it to him, it rolls around, lights up and get stuck under the couch, bed, dresser, sink, toy chest like every 20 minutes where he, instead of trying to get it, runs stands directly in front, or to the left or right of me and begins barking at full lung capacity and tempo until I lug my fat ass up to get it. God, I thought is was sweet of her when she gave it to him but now, I'm so tired of that thing. I want to hide it, I'll have to do that when he's not looking.
4.27.2005
What Am I Doing?
Eaten so far
Breakfast: Frosted Flakes
Lunch: Grilled Chicken, small salad, black beans, rice and tortilla MMMM!
Dinner: Left over chicken, rice, salad, and green plantanos
Hours on Phone: Less than 1 hour, I had company
Resumes: 2 but, went on an interview, was pretty positive by the end, will see
Exercise: None really
Bought: Food, and two taxi trips
So, Mysterious Ex came over and we hung out. We were supposed to go out but, I knew that he was very tired, he had been at work all day and it was late. We really just hung out in the house and half watched a few movies. I told myself I would not have sex with Mysterious Ex, I don't want sex to have an effect on what we are trying to accomplish. I feel that if things don't work out, I won't feel like so much of a slut if we break up after having sex plus, I want to know that I have these genuine thoughts and feelings, not crowded by the act of sex. But there I was, God only knows how I got there. I was laying on the bed, he was laying next to me, we were kissing, but, we've kissed with no sex before, no big deal right? All I know is he rubbed my boob and next thing I knew, I was straddling him, and penis was everywhere. As I'm up there, I'm thinking, what the hell is wrong with me?! What am I doing?! I'm going against the little talk I gave myself. No Sex, No Sex, not yet. Usually, I try to masturbate myself dry before he comes over because let's face it, he's still very cute, and I'm still horny all of the time. He realized something was wrong though and asked me, "what's wrong, you're not that into it?" I exclaimed, "Oh God, I feel so FAT!" (and I did, that's just an entirely different story from this one, I'll get to that later). So, we did not have complete sex but now, does this mean that we will be expected to have sex? I think I should just tell him I don't think we should have sex for a while. I know that he won't be upset about it, he's not that kind of guy. I think that I will talk to him about it.
So on the other side of that, I have gained weight, I know that, everyone who knows me or sits whithin earshot of me knows that I have. I mean I have always been a fat chick and very happy with who I am but admittedly, I have taken this fat thing to a whole new level. I know that sitting home day after day (I'm unemployed, what do you want?) and trying out the new cookie recipe posted on epicurious or chubby girl brigade isn't going to help but hey, I'm unemployed, I've got to have my low cost fun where I can find it. So, whilst sitting atop my beloved, I noticed a little extra thighage then normal. WTF?! where did this come from!? I know my tummy has gotten a little more giggly, so has my arms, booty and other various body parts but dammit! I thought my thighs were at capacity, and were accepting no more passengers, sadly, I was very mistaken. So, I'm on top one of our favorite positions, and as I'm jumping up and down, gyrating, all that stuff, I keep feeling this little, what can only be described as cushioning, like I had stuck two pillows under my but and thighs, "Jesus" I think, "What could that be?" then I realize, "My good, that's my f---ing thighs! WTF!" I then get very sad and get off, there's no way I'll be bouncing around with all that extra baggage in between my legs. I better get rid of these thirty pounds very quickly. Buying new clothes, I can handle but ruining my sex life? This extra fat has got to go.
So, on the other side of this fiasco. I spoke to New Guy briefly this morning. He is really upset that I didn't speak to him yesterday. I think maybe I am using him which, I don't like about myself. I am treating him the way that Mysterious Ex sometimes treats me. I will talk to him today and straighten things out between us. The thinkg is, he doesn't care if I have a boyfriend or not. Hell, I'm not sure if I have a boyfriend some times. There I go, back into that again. I'm getting depressed, think I'll go bake some cookies.
Breakfast: Frosted Flakes
Lunch: Grilled Chicken, small salad, black beans, rice and tortilla MMMM!
Dinner: Left over chicken, rice, salad, and green plantanos
Hours on Phone: Less than 1 hour, I had company
Resumes: 2 but, went on an interview, was pretty positive by the end, will see
Exercise: None really
Bought: Food, and two taxi trips
So, Mysterious Ex came over and we hung out. We were supposed to go out but, I knew that he was very tired, he had been at work all day and it was late. We really just hung out in the house and half watched a few movies. I told myself I would not have sex with Mysterious Ex, I don't want sex to have an effect on what we are trying to accomplish. I feel that if things don't work out, I won't feel like so much of a slut if we break up after having sex plus, I want to know that I have these genuine thoughts and feelings, not crowded by the act of sex. But there I was, God only knows how I got there. I was laying on the bed, he was laying next to me, we were kissing, but, we've kissed with no sex before, no big deal right? All I know is he rubbed my boob and next thing I knew, I was straddling him, and penis was everywhere. As I'm up there, I'm thinking, what the hell is wrong with me?! What am I doing?! I'm going against the little talk I gave myself. No Sex, No Sex, not yet. Usually, I try to masturbate myself dry before he comes over because let's face it, he's still very cute, and I'm still horny all of the time. He realized something was wrong though and asked me, "what's wrong, you're not that into it?" I exclaimed, "Oh God, I feel so FAT!" (and I did, that's just an entirely different story from this one, I'll get to that later). So, we did not have complete sex but now, does this mean that we will be expected to have sex? I think I should just tell him I don't think we should have sex for a while. I know that he won't be upset about it, he's not that kind of guy. I think that I will talk to him about it.
So on the other side of that, I have gained weight, I know that, everyone who knows me or sits whithin earshot of me knows that I have. I mean I have always been a fat chick and very happy with who I am but admittedly, I have taken this fat thing to a whole new level. I know that sitting home day after day (I'm unemployed, what do you want?) and trying out the new cookie recipe posted on epicurious or chubby girl brigade isn't going to help but hey, I'm unemployed, I've got to have my low cost fun where I can find it. So, whilst sitting atop my beloved, I noticed a little extra thighage then normal. WTF?! where did this come from!? I know my tummy has gotten a little more giggly, so has my arms, booty and other various body parts but dammit! I thought my thighs were at capacity, and were accepting no more passengers, sadly, I was very mistaken. So, I'm on top one of our favorite positions, and as I'm jumping up and down, gyrating, all that stuff, I keep feeling this little, what can only be described as cushioning, like I had stuck two pillows under my but and thighs, "Jesus" I think, "What could that be?" then I realize, "My good, that's my f---ing thighs! WTF!" I then get very sad and get off, there's no way I'll be bouncing around with all that extra baggage in between my legs. I better get rid of these thirty pounds very quickly. Buying new clothes, I can handle but ruining my sex life? This extra fat has got to go.
So, on the other side of this fiasco. I spoke to New Guy briefly this morning. He is really upset that I didn't speak to him yesterday. I think maybe I am using him which, I don't like about myself. I am treating him the way that Mysterious Ex sometimes treats me. I will talk to him today and straighten things out between us. The thinkg is, he doesn't care if I have a boyfriend or not. Hell, I'm not sure if I have a boyfriend some times. There I go, back into that again. I'm getting depressed, think I'll go bake some cookies.
4.26.2005
Same thing as always
Eaten today:
Breakfast: Cinnamon Rolls
Lunch: Turkey slices with ritz crackers
Dinner: Cinnamon Rolls
Hours on Phone: over 4
Resumes: 7 (I got 2 call backs today resulting in 2 interviews, that's a good thing)
Exercise: Two hours of yard work
Bought: Nothing today
Well, Mysterious Ex is definitely back to himself. Truthfully, I don't really think he ever changed, I was just excited to have heard from him and got all wrapped up in the excitement of "us". I'm not sure what I think of him. I have love for him that is to say that I do love him but, he's so weird. It doesn't really seem as though he's interested in me at all but he keeps coming back, I don't understand it. We aren't having sex and I haven't had sex with him since like before Christmas so it can't be that. I have no idea what is going on with him. He literally chases after me, calling me telling me tha the loves me and he wants ys to get back together. He talks about how much he has missed me and how he wants us to try again. I do so and then it's nothing. I don't see him, (I've only seen him once in like the last two weeks) he hardly even calls like he used to. There was a time when he called in the morning on his way to work, he called during his lunch break, he called on his way home from work and if we didn't see one another that evening, he called before he went to bed. Today, I spoke to him once this morning because I called to ask about a computer problem and then he called me about 10 o'clock this evening. I was on the phone with New Guy, making plans for today, I abruptly hung up the phone so that my answering machine would pick up and Mysterious Ex would think that I wasn't home. It's sad that I even have to play games like that. Here I am seeing another guy and not only does he not know, he's doesn't even care. I could go out with New Guy every evening and I dont' think it would make one bit of difference to him. I think that maybe our trying to get back together may have been a huge mistake. He doesn't have time for me, he doesn't make time for me, and we hardly speak. I would have always said before that he was my number one, no other guy could touch him but, that is slowly becoming so untrue now. It's sad I guess.
New Guy is really great. We had a very good conversation. We spoke for about 4 or 5 hours all night almost. I am very confused because he wants the kind of relationship that I want but, I wish I could have it with Mysterious Ex. Too bad things don't work the way you want them to just because you want them to be that way. On one hand, I don't want to have to feel this way but on the other hand, if Mysterious Ex were truly "my man" I wouldn't have time to run around with other people.
I have two job interviews this week. A very good thinf indeed. I was going to get and move since it was proving so difficutl to find a job here in NY. I would have never thought that it would have been so hard for me to get a job. I thought I entered the world so prpared for the things it may have thrown at me but, I guess I was wrong.
Breakfast: Cinnamon Rolls
Lunch: Turkey slices with ritz crackers
Dinner: Cinnamon Rolls
Hours on Phone: over 4
Resumes: 7 (I got 2 call backs today resulting in 2 interviews, that's a good thing)
Exercise: Two hours of yard work
Bought: Nothing today
Well, Mysterious Ex is definitely back to himself. Truthfully, I don't really think he ever changed, I was just excited to have heard from him and got all wrapped up in the excitement of "us". I'm not sure what I think of him. I have love for him that is to say that I do love him but, he's so weird. It doesn't really seem as though he's interested in me at all but he keeps coming back, I don't understand it. We aren't having sex and I haven't had sex with him since like before Christmas so it can't be that. I have no idea what is going on with him. He literally chases after me, calling me telling me tha the loves me and he wants ys to get back together. He talks about how much he has missed me and how he wants us to try again. I do so and then it's nothing. I don't see him, (I've only seen him once in like the last two weeks) he hardly even calls like he used to. There was a time when he called in the morning on his way to work, he called during his lunch break, he called on his way home from work and if we didn't see one another that evening, he called before he went to bed. Today, I spoke to him once this morning because I called to ask about a computer problem and then he called me about 10 o'clock this evening. I was on the phone with New Guy, making plans for today, I abruptly hung up the phone so that my answering machine would pick up and Mysterious Ex would think that I wasn't home. It's sad that I even have to play games like that. Here I am seeing another guy and not only does he not know, he's doesn't even care. I could go out with New Guy every evening and I dont' think it would make one bit of difference to him. I think that maybe our trying to get back together may have been a huge mistake. He doesn't have time for me, he doesn't make time for me, and we hardly speak. I would have always said before that he was my number one, no other guy could touch him but, that is slowly becoming so untrue now. It's sad I guess.
New Guy is really great. We had a very good conversation. We spoke for about 4 or 5 hours all night almost. I am very confused because he wants the kind of relationship that I want but, I wish I could have it with Mysterious Ex. Too bad things don't work the way you want them to just because you want them to be that way. On one hand, I don't want to have to feel this way but on the other hand, if Mysterious Ex were truly "my man" I wouldn't have time to run around with other people.
I have two job interviews this week. A very good thinf indeed. I was going to get and move since it was proving so difficutl to find a job here in NY. I would have never thought that it would have been so hard for me to get a job. I thought I entered the world so prpared for the things it may have thrown at me but, I guess I was wrong.
4.24.2005
So, to take away the pain from the still not arrived New York Times (blast my non gentrified Brooklyn neighborhood!), I decided to make cinnamon buns. They came out very crumbly, i.e., couldn't take a whole bun out of the pan, but, quite scrumptious. So, there I am, digging cinnamon buns out of the pan, sugar, butter, and of course cinnamon dripping down my forearm when my telephone rings. It's New Guy, we had the greatest conversation about, Walmart, Target and the best way to cook a red snapper then, Mysterious Ex beeped in, this would be my ultimate test. I didn't answer the phone. I didn't click over because I didn't feel like talking to him. Wow!, Who would have ever thought this? MYSTERIOUS EX!, the guy that I have spent the last year and a half loving, breaking up and getting back together with. NO man has ever been able to touch him and EVERYONE I know knows that he gets phone precedence(sp?) with the exception of my mom of course. So, what is a girl to do? New Guy wanted to get together again even though I am supposed to see Mysterious Ex tonight. Truth be told, I'm not sure if I want to see M.E. I am not sure what I am sure of.
Damn the New York TImes!
Eaten so far today: Nothing but last night, gorged myself on Manicotti with Italian sausage, garlic bread, pepperoni roll and ice cream, God that was good, too bad I ate it all
Hours on the phone: So far, less than 30 minutes, with NY Times guy plus, it's still very early
Resumes: None, it's Sunday silly
Exercise: between running back and forth to the front door to see if my paper has arrived, I must have burned like a thousand calories
Bought: Nothing so far but, the day is still young
Why do I pay 5 dollars a week? So that I can receive an under edited 2,ooo page paper every weekend. So that when my neighbors go out to walk their dogs in the morning, they can see my bright blue plastic wrapped paper letting all who glimpse is know, Yes, I am a New York Times subscriber. I like to sit in the morning with my paper spread around me in little category piles, what I will definitely read, what I might read and what I will use as lining for the cat's litter box. But this morning I awoke and arrgh!, No New York Times. I called and politely let the rather Southern sounding gentlemen representative (which seemed a bit strange to me actually being a New Yorker and calling the New York Times) know that my paper hadn't arrived. he assured me that my paper would be out to me within the hour. Here I am an hour later and still, no paper. My morning routine is completley thrown off now. Here I am with a pot of French Vanilla Roast ready to be guzzled and no paper to accompany it, poor, poor me.
I have yet again come to a decision concerning Mysterious Ex and New Guy, this must be the third or fourth time this week. I will wait a month and see what happens with happens with the both of them. Yesterday, Mysterious Ex (under circumstances which were a bit out of his control) fell right back into his regular ways. No matter the circumstances surrounding how it came about, the result was still the same and I must say, I am more than a bit tired of it. One of the reasons we broke up earlier this year was because as I've said, it really feels as though I am a tight fit in his life. It is as if there is really no time for me, as though I am way down on the list. I don't want to out right dismiss him, since I am accused of this so much but truthfully, what else can I do? There is only so much sitting and waiting patiently a girl can do.
On the flip side, I hung out with New Guy yesterday who seems to have ample amounts of time to spend with me. I feel a bit weird being with him as though I am cheating, which I guess technically I am, though I don't want to think of it that way. To save my own ass I'll say this, it isn't as though I am blowing off my "boyfriend" (not quite sure why I felt the need to put that word in parentheses, though truthfully, it does speak volumes) he is not there, he is not available to me. I guess I have answered my own question.
I often feel as though I should let Mysterious Ex know. Tell him that I was before we got back together and continue to see someone else. I am not sure how he would react, I am not sure how things will work out between us. Sadly, I think maybe part of me likes it, the going behind his back and doing something he knows nothing about. I've never thought of myself as that kind of person but, it must be true, at least in some aspect since I continue to do this. It isn't as though I want to be deceitful, but as simply as I can put it. Mysterious Ex is not here and New Guy is but, where am I in this whole situation?
It is so cold in my house, I tried to convince Sebastian (my cat) to sit behind me in my chair to create a living hot water bottle type effect. He was with it for about a minute then meowed at me, flicked his tail at me and kindly sat on the couch opposite of where I am. I guess he has is standards. Thankfully Samson (my dog) is laying on my feet, keeping my tosies warm and licked. Well, since it is NOT raining for a nice change, I will go out and walk, try to get in a little exercise and scout around the neighborhood looking for the New York Times delivery guy, I KNOW he has to be around here somewhere.
Hours on the phone: So far, less than 30 minutes, with NY Times guy plus, it's still very early
Resumes: None, it's Sunday silly
Exercise: between running back and forth to the front door to see if my paper has arrived, I must have burned like a thousand calories
Bought: Nothing so far but, the day is still young
Why do I pay 5 dollars a week? So that I can receive an under edited 2,ooo page paper every weekend. So that when my neighbors go out to walk their dogs in the morning, they can see my bright blue plastic wrapped paper letting all who glimpse is know, Yes, I am a New York Times subscriber. I like to sit in the morning with my paper spread around me in little category piles, what I will definitely read, what I might read and what I will use as lining for the cat's litter box. But this morning I awoke and arrgh!, No New York Times. I called and politely let the rather Southern sounding gentlemen representative (which seemed a bit strange to me actually being a New Yorker and calling the New York Times) know that my paper hadn't arrived. he assured me that my paper would be out to me within the hour. Here I am an hour later and still, no paper. My morning routine is completley thrown off now. Here I am with a pot of French Vanilla Roast ready to be guzzled and no paper to accompany it, poor, poor me.
I have yet again come to a decision concerning Mysterious Ex and New Guy, this must be the third or fourth time this week. I will wait a month and see what happens with happens with the both of them. Yesterday, Mysterious Ex (under circumstances which were a bit out of his control) fell right back into his regular ways. No matter the circumstances surrounding how it came about, the result was still the same and I must say, I am more than a bit tired of it. One of the reasons we broke up earlier this year was because as I've said, it really feels as though I am a tight fit in his life. It is as if there is really no time for me, as though I am way down on the list. I don't want to out right dismiss him, since I am accused of this so much but truthfully, what else can I do? There is only so much sitting and waiting patiently a girl can do.
On the flip side, I hung out with New Guy yesterday who seems to have ample amounts of time to spend with me. I feel a bit weird being with him as though I am cheating, which I guess technically I am, though I don't want to think of it that way. To save my own ass I'll say this, it isn't as though I am blowing off my "boyfriend" (not quite sure why I felt the need to put that word in parentheses, though truthfully, it does speak volumes) he is not there, he is not available to me. I guess I have answered my own question.
I often feel as though I should let Mysterious Ex know. Tell him that I was before we got back together and continue to see someone else. I am not sure how he would react, I am not sure how things will work out between us. Sadly, I think maybe part of me likes it, the going behind his back and doing something he knows nothing about. I've never thought of myself as that kind of person but, it must be true, at least in some aspect since I continue to do this. It isn't as though I want to be deceitful, but as simply as I can put it. Mysterious Ex is not here and New Guy is but, where am I in this whole situation?
It is so cold in my house, I tried to convince Sebastian (my cat) to sit behind me in my chair to create a living hot water bottle type effect. He was with it for about a minute then meowed at me, flicked his tail at me and kindly sat on the couch opposite of where I am. I guess he has is standards. Thankfully Samson (my dog) is laying on my feet, keeping my tosies warm and licked. Well, since it is NOT raining for a nice change, I will go out and walk, try to get in a little exercise and scout around the neighborhood looking for the New York Times delivery guy, I KNOW he has to be around here somewhere.
4.23.2005
I'm very confused
I am, as the title describes very confused about my current situation. I have this toss up betweeen New Guy and Mysterious Ex. I never thought that I would but, here it is. I love Mysterious Ex, yes. He is a great guy. He's very intelligent, he's funny, he doesn't take life or himself too seriously, he's very ambitious, we have these great conversations and debates on anything from the war in Iraq to Tom and Jerry cartoons. We enjoy a lot of the same things, art, music, cooking, politics, etc. but we have interests in other things which keeps our relationship very interesting and creative. He's sweet, he's kind, he's compassionate, he's manly but sensitive, he has so many great qualities. He thinks I'm wonderful and I feel the same way about him. He's a joy for me to be around. The problem? He works long hours, has a few intimacy problems (communication wise not sexual) and doesn't seem to have enough time for me. The addition of me in his life seems to stressing him. Not that he has said that himself but, we live over an hour away from one another. After he's worked from 10 in the morning until 7 or 8 at night, I know it's a lot for him to go home, get changed then spend time with me. Even if he comes to me straight from work, I know that it's a lot. It's a weird difficult situation.
Then, there is New Guy who honestly has many of the qualities that Mysterious Ex has. He's a very intelligent guy. He's funny, he's smart, his politics are more fitting with mine, he's a bit more liberal. We also have these discussions ranging from world politics to the best way to load up your toothbrush. It's very easy to talk to him, he's very easy to be around. He's compassionate and thoughtful and ambitious (he's older so he's accomplished a bit more career wise). He's in this mode where he is ready for a "relationship" relationship, he's looking to be married within the next year or two. I am not sure if I am ready for that or not. Though Mysterious Ex and I have spoken about longevity in our relationship, it is obvious that we are not quite ready for that leap. It would be great if we could get through a few months without our relationship crumbling around us.
I honestly am perplexed about this. Though Mysterious Ex has the obvious advantage because I love and care deeply for him, I am intrigued by New Guy. I like to talk to him, he is available to me, which I like. I thought this was simple, cut and dry but, I keep coming back to this place of uncertainty, of unsuredness (I think that's a word). I don't know what to do. I can't keep this up for too long. Though New Guy knows of Mysterious Ex, M.E. doesn't know of New Guy. I am attracted to the both of them, but, it isn't a coin toss. It isn't as though I could choose one over the other and think nothing of it. As I have said, Mysterious Ex is the obvious choice, the obvious choice. But, I need more than love to have a good relationship, I know that. It's difficult to have a relationship with someone who usually isn't there.
Am I answering my own question? My heart doesn't think so.
Then, there is New Guy who honestly has many of the qualities that Mysterious Ex has. He's a very intelligent guy. He's funny, he's smart, his politics are more fitting with mine, he's a bit more liberal. We also have these discussions ranging from world politics to the best way to load up your toothbrush. It's very easy to talk to him, he's very easy to be around. He's compassionate and thoughtful and ambitious (he's older so he's accomplished a bit more career wise). He's in this mode where he is ready for a "relationship" relationship, he's looking to be married within the next year or two. I am not sure if I am ready for that or not. Though Mysterious Ex and I have spoken about longevity in our relationship, it is obvious that we are not quite ready for that leap. It would be great if we could get through a few months without our relationship crumbling around us.
I honestly am perplexed about this. Though Mysterious Ex has the obvious advantage because I love and care deeply for him, I am intrigued by New Guy. I like to talk to him, he is available to me, which I like. I thought this was simple, cut and dry but, I keep coming back to this place of uncertainty, of unsuredness (I think that's a word). I don't know what to do. I can't keep this up for too long. Though New Guy knows of Mysterious Ex, M.E. doesn't know of New Guy. I am attracted to the both of them, but, it isn't a coin toss. It isn't as though I could choose one over the other and think nothing of it. As I have said, Mysterious Ex is the obvious choice, the obvious choice. But, I need more than love to have a good relationship, I know that. It's difficult to have a relationship with someone who usually isn't there.
Am I answering my own question? My heart doesn't think so.
4.22.2005
Wow
I told New Guy that I was going to concentrate on my relationship with Mysterious Ex. I felt as though I were not giving M.E. as much effort as he seems to be trying to give me. New Guy took it very hard. I was really surprised as I didn't know he liked me so much, we've only known one another for a few weeks. He tried thoroughly to convince me that Mysterious Ex doesn't have my best interest in mind. He tried to convince me to ignore M.E. and try a relationship with him. I have to say, I was moved. Only once in my life have I had a man try to go all out for me and that guy was a nut, literally. He tells me if things don't work out between Mysterious Ex and I that I should give him a call because he will be there and very interested. I hope that somewhere in the back of my mind I am not keeping this noted. I want things to work out with Mysterious Ex and I, he is a great guy and we get along fantastically. We have had some problems, yes, but not as big as problems I've had in the past in previous relationships and not as bad as some of the relationships other people I know are in. They are both great men, it is weird that that is the thing I have wanted for a long time, someone cool to just be with, I have the opportunity to do that with two very willing candidates and they happen to be around at the same time. I do love Mysterious Ex, I can see myself with him as a life partner, I see us together, raising children, paying bills, etc. But, New Guy does not seem like a bad candidate for that life. He is very interested in being married, in starting that life, he and I share many things in common from what we find funny to our politics. I hope that I am not choosing Mysterious Ex based only on the fact that we have known each other for such a long time. Yes I love him, but our relationship is a complicated one where I have been hurt or rather, we have hurt one another. Being with Mysterioous Ex just feels right. Even when seeing one another after three months, it just feels right. It doesn't feel as though any time has passed or any of the negative things that occurred between us happened at all. This is a very sticky situation. I can't say any more.
4.21.2005
Finally
So, Mysterious Ex and I have seen one another. We had a lengthy discussion, followed by a lengthy kissing, rubbing session, (the second probably shouldn't have happened, but what cha gonna do?). I think we may be on the right track. We discussed all of our past behaviors, how we hope to rectify them and what we both want for US, collectively as a couple. I hope it works this time.
4.20.2005
I Have Come to a Decision
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: 2 eggs, grits, sausage, toast
Lunch: Turkey and Cheese Sandwich
Dinner: Shrimp, Scallops and Crab
Lots of mini pretzels during the day
Hours on Phone: about 3
Resumes: 5
Exercise: Nada, I cut my foot yesterday :(
Bought: Some fabric for the doll I am working on
I made a decision today. I guess it is a difficult one and it kind of goes against a decision I made yesterday. Mysterious Ex is being his usual self. It's so difficult because he says he loves me, we break up and he's goes out of his way to try to get me to be with him again. He professes all of these feelings and adoration but, once we are together again, he seems to run right back into his old habits. He doesn't call as much as I would like him to. There was a time when he literally called me 4 or 5 times a day. Now it's once or twice. He doesn't even seem to have time for me. Here I am again waiting for him to call, waiting for him to make good on a promise. I don't want to complain because I know that he is going through things right now but, this is just how things were before between us. I feel as though I have no idea what's going on. Sometimes I think it may have been better if we had just left things the way they were. I know that I was sad without him and he says he was sad without me but, is it enough for him to just "have" me but not really spend time with me? I am not sure if he just wants us to be together in name because it seems to me as though he isn't making a true effort to spend more time with me. It's aggravating.
Then, there is New Guy who is sweet, and smart, and funny and a really great guy, (Mysterious Ex is also) but, he seems so much more interested in getting to know me. He always wants to spend time with me, he always wants to talk to me, he rearranges his schedule around me. Last night he said something to me that I haven't heard from Mysterious Ex in a truly long time. He plainly asked me, "what are we doing this weekend?" It was very sweet, I was actually taken a aback, not sure exactly what I should answer. Truth be told, since they both have similar attributes it would seem easy to just choose the one who seems to give more effort, he seems the better candidate. As I've said before, the love thing puts a great strain on the issue, but I fear aggravation will shade my rose colored glasses to a crystal clear.
Breakfast: 2 eggs, grits, sausage, toast
Lunch: Turkey and Cheese Sandwich
Dinner: Shrimp, Scallops and Crab
Lots of mini pretzels during the day
Hours on Phone: about 3
Resumes: 5
Exercise: Nada, I cut my foot yesterday :(
Bought: Some fabric for the doll I am working on
I made a decision today. I guess it is a difficult one and it kind of goes against a decision I made yesterday. Mysterious Ex is being his usual self. It's so difficult because he says he loves me, we break up and he's goes out of his way to try to get me to be with him again. He professes all of these feelings and adoration but, once we are together again, he seems to run right back into his old habits. He doesn't call as much as I would like him to. There was a time when he literally called me 4 or 5 times a day. Now it's once or twice. He doesn't even seem to have time for me. Here I am again waiting for him to call, waiting for him to make good on a promise. I don't want to complain because I know that he is going through things right now but, this is just how things were before between us. I feel as though I have no idea what's going on. Sometimes I think it may have been better if we had just left things the way they were. I know that I was sad without him and he says he was sad without me but, is it enough for him to just "have" me but not really spend time with me? I am not sure if he just wants us to be together in name because it seems to me as though he isn't making a true effort to spend more time with me. It's aggravating.
Then, there is New Guy who is sweet, and smart, and funny and a really great guy, (Mysterious Ex is also) but, he seems so much more interested in getting to know me. He always wants to spend time with me, he always wants to talk to me, he rearranges his schedule around me. Last night he said something to me that I haven't heard from Mysterious Ex in a truly long time. He plainly asked me, "what are we doing this weekend?" It was very sweet, I was actually taken a aback, not sure exactly what I should answer. Truth be told, since they both have similar attributes it would seem easy to just choose the one who seems to give more effort, he seems the better candidate. As I've said before, the love thing puts a great strain on the issue, but I fear aggravation will shade my rose colored glasses to a crystal clear.
4.19.2005
Not Sure What's Going On
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: Toast, 2 sausage, boiled egg
Lunch: Lots of mini pretzels
Dinner: Turkey and Cheese Sandwich (didn't feel like cooking)
Hours on Phone: 2
Resumes: 6
Exercise: 3 hours of yard work
Bought: Coffee online
Well, Mysterious Ex alwasys tells me that I am very quick to dismiss him. He says I get easily upset with him and then I kind of just blow him off. I will not deny that I do that, I won't admit it either. The thing is, he always seems to be so busy, always seems to have so much other stuff going on his life, hence the name, Mysterious Ex. I've never in my life known someone who was ALWAYS on the go, ALWAYS having to do this, that or the other thing. Whenever I think we are going to do something, something else always comes up. He's just constantly moving. I was under the impression, yet again I might add, that we were doing something tonight. But now, he's not feeling well, he's upset over something that truth be told he does have a right to be upset over. I'm not stupid, I know that, he's not involved with anyone else, and the last time we broke up we had this HUGE week long argument where every bit of anger over every little thing he has ever done came out. I sincerely thought that since we had gone through such as ordeal if we tried to get together again, things would surely be different. It doesn't seem that way though. I don't want to go right ahead and dismiss him, especially since this is something he has told me I do over and over and over but, I often am not sure what else I should really do. I just really don't think that a relationship should be this difficult. It's a simple thing really, you dig someone, you want to hang out with them, things do come up from time to time in life but ALL of the time? That's just ridiculous. I give this one month, no more, no less, if things improve, great, if they don't, that's fine too. I don't want to give up on what could be a great relationship for a few things that could be fixed.
On the other side of things, I spoke to New Guy for like three hours last night. He really is a nice guy. But as I've said, every man is so nice in the beginning. He's more than a few years older than me which is what I am attributing his relationship oriented mind to. It's sad that I've met him at this stage. Of course I still love Mysterious Ex and that greatly complicates matters. I have told New Guy about M.E. but, M.E. doesn't know about New Guy. If I had met New Guy at a different time, I would totally dig him, actually, I do kind of dig him but, I can't ler go of Mysterious Ex of course. Uggh!, very frustrating stuff.
Breakfast: Toast, 2 sausage, boiled egg
Lunch: Lots of mini pretzels
Dinner: Turkey and Cheese Sandwich (didn't feel like cooking)
Hours on Phone: 2
Resumes: 6
Exercise: 3 hours of yard work
Bought: Coffee online
Well, Mysterious Ex alwasys tells me that I am very quick to dismiss him. He says I get easily upset with him and then I kind of just blow him off. I will not deny that I do that, I won't admit it either. The thing is, he always seems to be so busy, always seems to have so much other stuff going on his life, hence the name, Mysterious Ex. I've never in my life known someone who was ALWAYS on the go, ALWAYS having to do this, that or the other thing. Whenever I think we are going to do something, something else always comes up. He's just constantly moving. I was under the impression, yet again I might add, that we were doing something tonight. But now, he's not feeling well, he's upset over something that truth be told he does have a right to be upset over. I'm not stupid, I know that, he's not involved with anyone else, and the last time we broke up we had this HUGE week long argument where every bit of anger over every little thing he has ever done came out. I sincerely thought that since we had gone through such as ordeal if we tried to get together again, things would surely be different. It doesn't seem that way though. I don't want to go right ahead and dismiss him, especially since this is something he has told me I do over and over and over but, I often am not sure what else I should really do. I just really don't think that a relationship should be this difficult. It's a simple thing really, you dig someone, you want to hang out with them, things do come up from time to time in life but ALL of the time? That's just ridiculous. I give this one month, no more, no less, if things improve, great, if they don't, that's fine too. I don't want to give up on what could be a great relationship for a few things that could be fixed.
On the other side of things, I spoke to New Guy for like three hours last night. He really is a nice guy. But as I've said, every man is so nice in the beginning. He's more than a few years older than me which is what I am attributing his relationship oriented mind to. It's sad that I've met him at this stage. Of course I still love Mysterious Ex and that greatly complicates matters. I have told New Guy about M.E. but, M.E. doesn't know about New Guy. If I had met New Guy at a different time, I would totally dig him, actually, I do kind of dig him but, I can't ler go of Mysterious Ex of course. Uggh!, very frustrating stuff.
4.18.2005
I Have No Idea What to Think
Eaten so far today:
Breakfast: Scrambled eggs, sausage toast
Lunch: Lots of mini pretzels
Dinner: Indian Chicken, Curried Cabbage and Romaine Lettuce
Hours on Phone: About 2
Resumes: 6
Exercise: 2.5 hours of yard work
Bought: Not a thing
I am very upset. I applied for this job about two weeks ago, maybe a little more. The application for this job was serious and the criteria was pretty high but, I MORE than exceeded what they wanted. I really only apply for jobs for which I am qualified. Anyway, this job wanted writing samples, essays, the whole shabang. Though I may not be a rocket scientist, I am a genius (really, with an IQ of 165 to prove it) and writing, especially the kind that floats the boats of professors, teachers, etc. is my strong point. So strong in fact that I have NEVER gotten anything lower than an A on any paper I have ever written in my life. Even when I was working in public schools and had to turn in IEP's (reports on a child's social and academic development) I was always praised for my writing.
So, after sending in a resume which obviously they liked, they sent me a second addition to the application which required 8 written answers, basically 8 essays. I sat there for hours writing, editing and spell checking my writing then I sent off my application. Today I received a letter from them basically saying they have a very stringent hiring process and I would not be granted an interview, even though I surpasssed their hiring criteria! I am not asking to be GIVEN the job but, not even an interview? That's B.S. if I've ever heard it.
I then e mailed the recruiting agent, even though I maybe should not have done that, asking her what specifically was wrong with my resume and application. I have yet to receive a response. I am just so fed up. I know that my experience is exceptional, I have great education background, it is just aggravating to think that there may be a possibility that the reason I may not be getting a job is because of my name (which is a dead give away that I am Black). That being beside the point, I would think having the experience I do and having attended and graduated from an Ivy League school for graduate studies would at least get me an interview. I'm so upset.
Breakfast: Scrambled eggs, sausage toast
Lunch: Lots of mini pretzels
Dinner: Indian Chicken, Curried Cabbage and Romaine Lettuce
Hours on Phone: About 2
Resumes: 6
Exercise: 2.5 hours of yard work
Bought: Not a thing
I am very upset. I applied for this job about two weeks ago, maybe a little more. The application for this job was serious and the criteria was pretty high but, I MORE than exceeded what they wanted. I really only apply for jobs for which I am qualified. Anyway, this job wanted writing samples, essays, the whole shabang. Though I may not be a rocket scientist, I am a genius (really, with an IQ of 165 to prove it) and writing, especially the kind that floats the boats of professors, teachers, etc. is my strong point. So strong in fact that I have NEVER gotten anything lower than an A on any paper I have ever written in my life. Even when I was working in public schools and had to turn in IEP's (reports on a child's social and academic development) I was always praised for my writing.
So, after sending in a resume which obviously they liked, they sent me a second addition to the application which required 8 written answers, basically 8 essays. I sat there for hours writing, editing and spell checking my writing then I sent off my application. Today I received a letter from them basically saying they have a very stringent hiring process and I would not be granted an interview, even though I surpasssed their hiring criteria! I am not asking to be GIVEN the job but, not even an interview? That's B.S. if I've ever heard it.
I then e mailed the recruiting agent, even though I maybe should not have done that, asking her what specifically was wrong with my resume and application. I have yet to receive a response. I am just so fed up. I know that my experience is exceptional, I have great education background, it is just aggravating to think that there may be a possibility that the reason I may not be getting a job is because of my name (which is a dead give away that I am Black). That being beside the point, I would think having the experience I do and having attended and graduated from an Ivy League school for graduate studies would at least get me an interview. I'm so upset.
4.17.2005
M.E. and me, the Saga Continues
So, it seems as though things between me and Mysterious Ex may be okay. Maybe Mysterious Ex will no longer be so mysterious. We haven't had a serious talk about us but, we are slated to have one this week probably Monday or Tuesday. I am very tired now, it's been a long day I'll have to continue tomorrow.
Could I Have Been Wrong?
Eaten so far today:
Honey Comb (ran out of Frosted Flakes, "Blast!")
Hours on Phone: Less than one, been doing a lot of work in the garden
Resumes: None (it's Sunday)
Exercise: Does three hours of garden work count? I say YES!
Bought: Seed packets from eBay (Have I mentioned lately how I love eBay?)
Well, I spoke to Mysterious Ex again. It seems since I didn't bring up seeing him yesterday he thought I didn't want to see him. He says he asked me "what are WE doing tonight?", I heard, "what are YOU doing tonight?". Anyhoo, since my answer was, "NOTHING", he says he thought I didn't want to see him or have much to do with him, he and I behave in a very silly way, I told him that and he agrees. I guess we will see each other today or some time soon. I don't know why this is so difficult, I care for him, he's cares for me, we just can't seem to get it together.
Is is that we love one another in a way that we don't want to even appear as though we may be trying to hurt the other's feelings? We been through a lot together so I think there is always this need to seem as though we are being aware of one another's feelings. We seem to always be on the perimeter of the action, looking inward at it but not actually jumping into it. I say I wish this were much simpler but, if it were, would that mean that our feelings were not true? I have dated other people and if I didn't want to see them, it was very simple, I just didn't. I didn't talk to them, and it bothered me not one bit. But with him, it's a totally different thing. Until last week, we haven't spoken to one another in like over a month but, it's so easy to just fall back into talking regularly. We both pick up our roles and go with it, simply, with so much ease. I wish we could get together like that, I wish it weren't such a task.
Honey Comb (ran out of Frosted Flakes, "Blast!")
Hours on Phone: Less than one, been doing a lot of work in the garden
Resumes: None (it's Sunday)
Exercise: Does three hours of garden work count? I say YES!
Bought: Seed packets from eBay (Have I mentioned lately how I love eBay?)
Well, I spoke to Mysterious Ex again. It seems since I didn't bring up seeing him yesterday he thought I didn't want to see him. He says he asked me "what are WE doing tonight?", I heard, "what are YOU doing tonight?". Anyhoo, since my answer was, "NOTHING", he says he thought I didn't want to see him or have much to do with him, he and I behave in a very silly way, I told him that and he agrees. I guess we will see each other today or some time soon. I don't know why this is so difficult, I care for him, he's cares for me, we just can't seem to get it together.
Is is that we love one another in a way that we don't want to even appear as though we may be trying to hurt the other's feelings? We been through a lot together so I think there is always this need to seem as though we are being aware of one another's feelings. We seem to always be on the perimeter of the action, looking inward at it but not actually jumping into it. I say I wish this were much simpler but, if it were, would that mean that our feelings were not true? I have dated other people and if I didn't want to see them, it was very simple, I just didn't. I didn't talk to them, and it bothered me not one bit. But with him, it's a totally different thing. Until last week, we haven't spoken to one another in like over a month but, it's so easy to just fall back into talking regularly. We both pick up our roles and go with it, simply, with so much ease. I wish we could get together like that, I wish it weren't such a task.
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