My Sister is the Biggest Fucking Liar Ever!

We all had a "family" meeting on Wednesday night, which cut into like half of a new episode of LOST, I was needless to say, pissed off. Anyway she lied through this entire meeting. She said the reason she was witholding rent money was because she was saving money for new windows, mind you, the house doesn't need new windows but this is the excuse she uses. My cool sister D and oldest brother Junior were basically telling her, a 50+ year old woman mind you, that you just can't go and withold rent because you feel like it, you just can't do what you want to do in this world. If she were living anywhere else, she would have been out on her ass MONTHS ago. I think she knows my mom won't kick her out and that's why she acts the fool. I told THO if it were me, that bitch would have been out on her arse after month one. That's some bullshit, just NOT paying rent 'cause you don't feel like it. Mind you, if it were cold in her house or if some bullshit went down in her apartment, she would be the first one complaining and wanting to get it fixed. Basically that bitch is an asshole, first class.

She then went on to tell everyone, I told THO I was going to hold the rent. My mom, being the lady she is refused to get down and dirty just politely answered, "No, you didn't". At which Queen Asshole answered, "Yes, I did!", this exchange went back and forth about four times then I, who is very much the lady most of the time but decided this wouldn't be one of those times answered, "You're a fucking liar, cut that shit out!"





She then went on to mention the fact that since HER father bought the houses SHE should be the one who took over the houses. My sister D snaps, "What!? Daddy and THO were married for like 30 years, the last three houses were bought when they were married, everyone else was already out of the house, where do you even get off saying some shit like that?" Since Queen Asshole claimed she had saved the money for windows, my oldest brother Junior says, "then you should have no problem paying THO the back rent by this weekend, since you know, it's saved up and what not". Queen Asshole responds, snidely (sp?) "You'll get your money." Ass of today, Saturday, at 8:28 p.m., THO has gotten $800.00 of the $3500 she was owed. THO then raised her rent which she probably won't get since she can't/won't pay what little she owes now. If I were THO, eviction proceedings would have started already man. That bitch is an asshole, for real.

I'm seriously considering giving my tenants the old heave ho, they paid up on their past due rent but, I think I'll keep them around for like another year until after Baby is born, their extra rent money will come in handy while I'm on maternity leave, and then, they're outta here. Maybe I'm just being mean thinking about Queen Asshole, we'll see.

So, the next day, my sister D calls me and tells me that Queen Asshole called and asked her if D could take out a loan for Q.A. Apparently QA wants the money for said loan but doesn't want to put her credit at risk. WTF?! How do you ask someone to do something like that and say because I don't want to ruin my credit?



#1 Queen Asshole doesn't need credit beyond the liquor store or coke dealer. This bitch is not/will not do/doing anything productive with her life. Getting drunk and high I think is her limit in the goals department.

#2 Duh, you're a fucking credit risk whore! You don't pay your $500 a month rent despite having two minimum wage jobs and you want someone to not loan, but take out a loan for you? You've got to be kidding!




#3 The fucking gall man, I could see if you are responsible but maybe acquired bad credit because of mistakes in your youth but shit man, her youth was like 35 years ago. If she hasn't gotten it together as of now, it's basically a lost cause.

To top it all off, D says that Queen Asshole's shiftless good for nothing husband tells her "you and B (D's husband) should buy us a Lexus, what with all the money y'all got". I don't even know what to say about that.

Then Queen Asshole tells "me because you, you think you're so great but you live in a house daddy left you, I can't understand why it's such a big deal that I do the same".

(By the way, I do think I'm great because fuck, I am. My daddy thought I was great too which is why she's so angry at me, this chick has a LOOOOOOOOOOONG history of fucking up. It's like way too much to mention, maybe I'll start a Great fuck ups in history made by Queen Asshole .)

I answered her, plain as day,

#1 I lived in my own apartment where I was paying like $900 a month in addition to going to graduate school and paying other bills. I was NEVER late with my rent, my landlord didn't try to kick me out. He was actually sad when I moved out.

#2 I'm 27. I have two bachelors, two masters, I've worked for like 10 years, I owned my own business, I make like $60,000 a year and byt the time I'm 31, I'll make like twice that. What have YOU done?



#3 Daddy left me this house because he knew I wouldn't squander it away on blow you fucking crack head! Don't you ever fucking compare me to you. Any male living in my house, not working, eating food I paid for and sucking on my titties will at least be in diapers. You're a fucking asshole.

I don't usually let people get to me, I think I'm a rather calm person, but she gets on my fucking nerves. It's just, she's so fucking foul, and the thing is, she doesn't even realize she's stupid. Man, she's such a fucking asshole.

Ugh, Ugh and Ugh!

I'm going to say something that is vey evil. I HATE my sister. I'm frowning up my face as I even think about her. She is such an asshole. I have two brothers and two sisters. Three of them, I'll call them Jr. (the oldest brother), D (the cool sister) and Queen Asshole (the hated sister) are from my dad's first marriage. My dad was 21 years older than my mother so he had a wife and three children before he and The Heavenly One met. Dad was already divorced when he and THO met. Anyway, my brother, the younger than the rest but older than me brother and I are my dad's "second set" of kids. Since my brother who I'll call Sweet Brother and I grew up together, we are close. The other three were young adults when Sweet Brother was born and already married with children when I was born. Sweet Brother is 10 years older than me. Anyway, when my dad died, he left me this house because I was the youngest and my dad being an old country boy was following Southern tradition which says that the house, bulk of money, etc. goes to the youngest unmarried child (especially a daughter). When my dad died, I was in graduate school and so the money he left me and this house really helped out. All of my brothers and sisters, with the exception of Queen Asshole own their own houses (or two) and are doing very well financially.

Just a little background. Queen Asshole barely graduated from high school. She didn't go to college and really hasn't done anything productive with her life. She was/is a coke head, drinks more than a fish and is just in general a get over creatin (sp?). She is like 55, has some crap ass job at a department store where all of her co workers are college students and is married to a man who does not work and is generally a nasty person. Once when I was like 7 or 8, my cousin T and I walked in on her sniffing cocaine in my parents' bathroom. She continuously cries broke and borrows money from my older brother and sister who bail her out time and time again. She is stupid, conniving, not cute at all, she has a little smushed in face and just is generally not a nice person. Sam, who is the sweetest dog in the world bit her once and barks at her constantly whenever he happens to see her. I barely speak to her, other than to say hi when I am face to face with her and I keep my distance. And, she is cheap, not frugal, but cheap. Once, we were all visting my parents, I think we were having a barbeque, she was going to go to the store because my parents didn't have the kind of beer she wanted, my dad asked her to buy him a pack of cigarettes, and she held out her hand so that he would give her the money. To her own daddy!

All througout her adulthood, my dad has given her money, given her down payments on apartments, etc. She is just a fuck up.

Anyway, her son is a special needs child (he is 25 now) because he was born addicted to cocaine, because she's a coke head and he serious problems. Before my dad died, he allowed her to live in a house he owned because she felt her son would do better in a smaller environment (she was living in one of those HUGE apartment buildings). My dad allowed her to live there at discount rent, $500 dollars a month for a three bedroom, two bathroom living room, dining room, eat in kitchen deck type apartment. In NYC, this apt is worth like $2,500 dollars a month and even when she moved in, it would have been worth like $1,500. However, she doesn't pay rent. Like EVER. The Heavenly One now owns the house and Queen Asshole DOES NOT PAY RENT. No explanations, no excuses, no nothing, she just doesn't pay. She hasn't paid rent since like April, maybe May. And when she does manage to pay, it always late or half , some stupid shit like that. However, taxes are still due, water bill and insurance has to be paid and all of this comes out of THO's pocket. On top of all of this, Queen Asshole goes around gossiping about people, telling EVERYONE'S business and just generally being an asshole. Sweet Brother stayed over to THO's house the other night, something was wrong with the alarm on his SUV and he didn't want to park on the street near his house so he parked in THO's garage and got it fixed in the morning. Queen Asshole saw Sweet Brother at THO's house and she called EVERYONE and told them ALL, Sweet Brother and his wife were having problems. WTF?! That shit is ridiculous. About 2 weeks ago or so, D (the cool sister) asked me, how are you and Mysterious Ex doing? As this is something she has never asked, I asked her, what do you mean? She tells me, Queen Asshole told me she hasn't seen him around. WTF? You mean to tell me in between fucking her drunk ass husband and snorting cocaine 20 hours a day, this bitch has time to look ten houses up the street and see who's car is in my driveway?! You've got to be kidding me!

She told me last year sometime, "you know if you sell that house, you have to split up the money five ways right? It's not fair that you should be the only person to share in OUR (her empahasis) father's hard work."

First off, I never said I was going to sell the house (not to her at least or matter of fact, not to any of my siblings)

Second off, my dad left ME the house, not us. Anyway, I'm not selfish, it isn't as though I wouldn't share but,

#1 My brothers and sister all own their own houses. Sweet Brother owns a condo, a house and some land further south where he and his wife are planning to build a home. Jr. has two houses and is planning on retiring to Florida in the next couple of years to a custom built home. D and her husband sold their townhouse for like $1.2 million dollars a few years ago and are living the high life, sans the drugs, in the south.

#2 NO one else has even mentioned anything like this to me. The furthest thing that has occurred is my oldest brother Jr. told me if I wanted to sell the house to let him know so that no one tries to cheat me out of a decent price.

#3 Since everyone is doing their own thing, no one cares about this house, they all have their own lives and their own stuff, no one cares.

#4 Even without this house, it has always been my plan to go out into the world and buy my own place. Since I was younger, it has always been my intention to make my own way in life and own my own shit.

It sickens me that she can't do the same. Why does she feel entitled to live off of my dad's hard work? Like when my dad died, everyone was sad and upset over his death but SHE was the one to lead the crusade to having the will read and getting the money she thought she was entitiled to. While no one else in the family was even thinking about how this or that was going to be split up or who was going to own this house or that, she was on top of evrything. I bet you to this day, she could tell anyone who asked how much each of us received, down to the penny. It's like since he did well for himself, she feels she doesn't have to. She is such a fucking get over and I hate her for that.

We are supposed to have a family meeting on Wednesday to discuss her non payment of rent and already I am heated. I know that I'm going to wind up cursing her out or something, already I'm angry just thinking about it. She gets on my nerves. She's such a lazy, get over bitch.

But the thing is, for some reason, no one tells her any of this stuff. It's like they just let her continue to do this shit. She shouldn't do any of this stuff and should have enough common sense or self respect to not do it but obviously she doesn't and no one will ever say, "hey Asshole, cut that shit out". I just don't understand how she feels its her right to stay anywhere and especially for free. I've always been thankful that I've been given such a privilege. I'm thankful I had parents who invested well and made it possible for me to have a great future for myself and for my future children. Even The Heavenly One has said time and time again, if it weren't houses, we wouldn't have been able to send you to school or be able to afford this or do that. I've always been thankful, but, I've always known that it was a privilege and not a right. I KNOW that I am not entitiled to anything. SHE, doesn't seem to understand that. I'm the only one EVER who has called her out on her dumb shit and so she continues to do this. THO feels bad because she says if she dies, I will get the four houses and she doesn't want me to put up with Queen Asshole's bullshit. I told THO, let her have the house, you know that's what she wants anyway it isn't worth the irritation to me, it really isn't. I have no long term vested interest in any of those houses and feel wishy washy about the one I am living in, it really isn't a big deal to me. THO however is very stuck on "the principle of the matter". I'll see how shit turns out.

Single Handedly Setting Back the Black Race

So, I was at THO's house just a bit ago, we were talking about my tenants' non payment of the rent (I know I have to get gully with them, I was just waiting for them to do what they needed to do). Anyway, we were in the kitchen and her television was playing in the living room when I hear the words, "Fantasia Barrino" and "illiterate".



I hightalied it into the living room to hear the most shocking shit (at least for this evening). Apparently, Fantasia of American Idol fame is not only an unwed ex welfare mother, but that bitch is illiterate too! WTF son?, it's like 2005 and shit, that chick is only 20 or so and she can't read? I mean, not even a little bit? She says that the most embarassing and hurtful part of being unable to read is that she can't read a book to her 2 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. I mean what are two year olds reading? The Little Engine that Could and shit? Come on. How embarassing. Not only that, but after announcing that she cannot read, she plugs her memoirs. You read thar correctly, her memoirs. First off, she's 20, what living has she done? Second off, we know her life story, she can't read, she had a kid at 16, she's never had a job in her life and she won American Idol. See, end of story, and she needs a whole memoir for what I recapped in not quite one sentence? Give me a break.


Leading to the most shocking thing of the day. Gambling addict and all around asshole Bill Bennett made the most heinous comment on his little listened to show yesterday morning. While speaking to a caller of his who suggested if all of the children who had been aborted since Roe vs. Wade had not been aborted, our Social Security system would not be in jeopardy (his stupid comments did not go unnoticed by me, we could for instance stop sending 40 billion dollar rockets into space to do Goddess know what and put that money towards Social Security or crack down on governmental corruption or tax the rich and corporations at the same rate working people are taxed, or spend the money we spent on that stupid war on Social Security but that would be silly now wouldn't it?) he responded: "You could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down". Then, crack head Rush Limbaugh had the nerve to accuse Media Matters for America (a very decent news source) of taking Bennett's comment out of context. The only context those statements need to be taken in is that that dude is a idiotic racist idiot (I know I used the same description). Later, Bennett tried to blame his blatantly racist comments on a discussion he had with Steven Levitt who wrote Freakonomics a while back. But, going back to that discussion (the transcript can be found on Slate.com) he was found to be a bold faced liar. Stupid idiot.





It's funny how most crimes and wrong doings are always blamed on people of color and poor people when the real criminals are those in our government who are basically stealing from us everyday and corporations who fuck their workers over by stealing their pensions, not giving their workers insurance or a living wage, and stealing $600 million worth of company funds. Yet, our biggest interest is the guy who is tealing from the local Dunkin' Donuts. It's just funny sometimes.

What's Up With Me?

Did some blatantly immature bullshit today. The funny (or not so funny) thing is, I knew what I was doing was stupid, not cool, not necesarry (sp?) and just plain dumb but you know what? I did it anyway. I would say what I did, but I'm scared someone I know will come across this and realize that I was the one who did the dumb shit so, I'll just not mention any specifics. The thing is, before, during, and after I did said dumb shit, I was telling my self, "Self, this is stupid. What's up with you? Why do you do such things?" But then I said, "Fuck it, I'm gonna do it anyway, and I did."

I'm such a television fanatic lately, I've REALLY been watching Lost and it is so FUCKING GOOD! I actually get angry (for a short time) when it goes off, it's like I HAVE to watch it, it's sick. So, in addition to that show, I've been watching My Name is Earl which is very funny, Everybody Hates Chris which is good, Survivor, which I've been taping as to be able to wath Chris and last night, I was trying to watch three different shows at once, its sick but, I really did try. I'm nutty.

Work has been cool I guess. Not much has been going on and truthfully, it gets a bit boring but, I get paid again this weekend so that should make things better.

Because of Humanity Critic I watched the VH1 Hip Hop Tribute show, which could have been much, much, much better. First off, I thought it would be more old school, they had Salt 'n Pepa, who looked pretty hot still, LL Cool J, Big Daddy Kane (who was off the fucking hook) and then, they do a tribute to Notorious BIG, Biggie Smalls, whatever you wnat to call him. WTF, since when was Biggie an old school artist? That nigga was rhyming when I was in college and that shit was not that long ago. That kind of pissed me off because it was like cool, LL, Salt 'n Pepa, Kane who were all rockin' at least from the mid 80's and then Biggie?! It just didn't sit well with me. Then, why the hell was Kanye West rapping at the tribute show? What has this big toothed bastard done that is remotely deserving of being honored? I mean give me a fuckin' break, how could you honor a legend like LL who has been on the scene for three decades, crossed over into television and movies and doing fucking commercials for women's products and then put up some sophomore album 2 hit pussy like Kanye, that shit was insulting. The biggest highlight of the day was definitely BDK who after all these years, fucking flipped on the stage like no one's business. I was at The Heavenly One's house watching it and got up screaming "warm it up Kane, warm it up Kane, ooooohhhh, go, go, go" like an idiot until my momma came in and yelled some sense into my dumb ass. That shit was tight though.

Well, I guess I should try to get some sleep. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.

No Work Tomorrow

I am at my cousin's T house tonight. Not going to work tomorrow. Didn't do much today at all. Came over here, took Sam for a walk in the park where he proceeded to bark at every single, dog, cat, squirrel, man, woman and child he saw. Ate an ENTIRE pint of ice cream, that was pretty gross of me but damn it was good. Walked about two miles, lifted weights, did about 20 minutes of yoga and did a few sit ups. Porbably will do more work tomorrow as I am watching a special on a woman who weighs about 700 pounds and it has scared me shitless. If I was one of those throwing up chicks, I would have done it when this first came on. Spoke to the futre father of my child. He's really funny, such a sweet guy. I guess that's it. Not much going on.

Good thoughts from a cool woman

I was reading this blog and saw her 10 rules for a pretty woman. It reminded me of something I wrote a few years ago:

10 Things Every Free Woman Should Know

1. What freedom TRULY means

2. How to earn a PROPER living, manage her money and financial life

3. How to manage a home, raising and cooking food properly, raising and feeding children properly (this includes prenatal and child bearing) caring for herself and her home regardless of whether she has a partner or not

4. How to defend herself, her home and her children

5. How to spiritually care for herself, how to find happiness from within without external validation

6. Sexual and physical health, what parts comprise her body, their functions, what is normal and abnormal in their basic functions and how to bring her self to sexual release

7. That she is okay with herself

8. That as a FREE woman, she has options and is the only one who can decide what she is to do with her life, and her body

9. The history of the Goddess, Goddess Worship, the Black Woman, Matriarchal societies and how it relates to her as a Free Woman

10. Herself

It's funny how I don't think I've followed all of those rules. Even though I know I should.


Also, I stole this from her:

Knowing your A - B - C's

A-Accent: I guess a Brooklyn accent within NYC, a New York accent every where else you know, chawcklit instead of chocolate, dawg instead of dog, cawfee for coffee, etc.

B-Breast Size: DD

C- Chore you hate: hate em all

D-Dad's name: Warren

E-Essential make-up: Fashion Fair Souffle - Brown Blaze Glo

F- Favorite Perfume/Cologne: Cross between Issey Miake and Lolita Lempicka

G- Gold or Silver: Silver

H-Hometown: Brooklyn, NY

I-Insomnia: Not at all

J-Job title: Teacher/Dean

K-Kids: Working on it

L-Living arrangements: By my damn self, well actually the cat and dog, if they count

M-Mom's Birthplace: NY, NY

N-Number of sexual partners you've had: really? um, I don't want to incriminate myslef, let's just say over 1

O-Overnight Hospital Stays: 3

P-Phobia: Aliens, scary

Q-Favorite Quote: real or for play? I guess: "ecstasy is uncut forest and the smell of fresh baked bread" from the temple of my familiar by alice walker or "He distrusted her affection; and what loneliness is more lonely than distrust?" from middlemarch by george elliot

R-Religious affiliation: Christian - Lutheran

S-Siblings: 2 brothers, 2 sisters, all older

T-Two You are Tagging: I guess Tevonda and Anna

U-Unnatural hair colours you've worn: Blonde, chestnut, jet black, copper honey blonde, red, auburn and a sort of orangey red

V-Vegetable you refuse to eat: black eyed peas, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww

W-Worst Habit: mmmmmmm, I guess picking when I cut myself and procrastination

X-X-rays you've had: chest for bronchitis, ankle when I broke it, toe when I broke it, ear when I was a kid, and uterus, though that was more of a sonogram

Y-Yummy foods you make: where do I start man, I'm a mean cook. I guess my favorite things to cook are Indian style chicken with coconut rice and curried cabbage. My favorite thing to bake would be chocolate chunk walnut butter cookies or my peanut butter, oatmeal honey cookies. I get lots of compliments on my cheesecake and mocha cake.
Z-Zodiac Sign: Sagitarrius the archer

Crazy People on My Street

There is this guy who lives on my block, he is the husband of a girl I used to play with as a child. Now I will not say he is crazy in the conventional sense of the word, but there is definitely something NOT right about this dude. He is married, he has a daughter and his wife is not nutty, he is actually quite nice, he has on occassion helped me or The Heavenly One with our groceries but, for some strange reason, while he is walking up the street, he will just yell "BROOKLYN!" or "PUERTO RICO!" at the top of his lungs. He plays with the children on the street and they all seem to think he is great. I don't know if he is doing this to impress them or because they think it is funny but, it's just crazy. Like, I'm sitting in my living room now, reading email and I will just hear "BROOKLYN!" like, what possesses this guy to do this? Am I the only person who thinks he needs to shut up? It's kind of annoying.

Samson's explosive flatulence is back. Jesus God this dog can let it rip. I actually forgot about it for a while because he wasn't doing it but, I realized the culprit must be his Thanksgiving Day Dinner. I haven't bought it for a while even though he likes it because I haven't seen it. When I ordered his food last week, it was in stock again so I bought two cases thinking it would last him a while in case they run out of some again anytime soon and right away, he is farting up a horrible storm. I mean he only weighs like 4 pounds, how does he do this? I banned him from the living room but he cried so badly, I guess because he hasn't seen me all day so I just had to let him in but open the window. It's horrendous.

Nothing Political, just ordinary bitching

I am the laziest person ever. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. My job isn't even hard. Just the act of getting up, getting dressed and treking my fat ass all the way up town is not my idea of fun. I did however get paid the other day and it WAS SWEET!! I got a raise, (since my years as a teacher has increased and I have a bit of a higher position) so my paycheck was quite nice. Though, I think I should get a paycheck everyday, just to keep me motivated.

Spoke to the future father of my child who is the sweetest guy. I had to think, why didn't we ever hook up? But then I remembered, he really isn't my type physically and we just never viewed one another that way I guess. Thought about calling Mysterious Ex, this is around the time he and I would get back together when we are going through our break ups, 6 - 8 weeks is usually around the time he gets weak and gives me a call. I had to seriously think. I miss him, I will not say I do not, I would be lying but, I actually had to go through all of the stuff that I disliked about him. It's funny how you forget all of the bad stuff someone does. I had to tell myself if he happens to call, I will not answer the phone, it is time to really let this go.

So, I am sitting here doing nothing. Some neighbors of mine are having a party, on a Sunday night and though they do sound like they're having fun, it's like 1 in the morning and they are having just a bit too much fun. I mean, people have to go to work, don't they? I called THO since they are closer to her house to ask if she heard all of the noise and her answer was "Is that what I've been hearing?, I thought my boiler was acting up, I was about to call you." (I guess the bass in the big speakers made her think that) but, what is up with my mom? She's bugging out over there.

My cousin T had an operation on her foot so she and I have been on the phone all weekend. I LOVE T.

My tenants haven't paid their rent this month, they normally are pretty cool so, I haven't said anything. I was thinking maybe they thought they paid it already but truthfully, I don't see how they could think that. THO says to give them until the end of the month but I'm no greedy land lord, what do I do? Send them a note, knock on their door? I'm not sure.

My next door neighbor finished the renovation of his house and it is fucking unbelievable. He and I have the same house style. He restored it to it's original state. I didn't know our houses were so great. I guess with the 70's, people painted to make the houses look more modern and so, all of my surfaces are painted, all the woodwork, fireplaces, etc. Had I known all of that stuff was under all of this, I would have gotten some paint off in the time I have been home. Apparently, all of my fireplaces (I have 6 of them) are marble and brass, while mine are nice, they are painted and not marble and brass, well, the marble and brass are under all of the paint. Also, I have these huge french doors between my master bedroom and what was traditionally the parlor but what is my casual living room and office, mine are painted cream, (my casual living room is red and cream) but there is beautiful stained glass under that paint, I never knew. Also, in my kitchen, there is this HUGE fireplace which was traditionally used as the stove, my stove is actually IN the fireplace (It's that big) but my dad had it painted so when I moved here, I just painted it again, my kitchen is this cute sunflower color with pumpkin trim, anyway, that ENTIRE thing is this BEAUTIFUL red brick and the shelf over that is marble. There is this small alcove in my formal living room (which I NEVER use) and that is all marble. Not to mention ALL of the doorways have this beautiful scroll work and the banisters too but truth be told, I've never paid them much attention while I was painting, or sponge painting or doing my decoupage now, I'm rethinking how I want my house to look. Truthfully, I always thought I would sell this place and move to the suburbs but now that I know it can look so cute, and since that house near me sold for $10 million, I think I might stay.

Home Sweet Home

My neighbor's house is paid for as is mine so about a year or so ago, he kicked out his tenants and just renovated. I'm thinking I might do the same. Downstairs is my formal living room, formal dining room, guest bedroom, HUGE unused bathroom, kitchen, HUGE hallway, pantry, and storage room. If I knock down the walls downstairs, I can make my kitchen, guest bedroom and formal living room into one of those great rooms. I would keep the other rooms and I would make my downstairs bathroom smaller because truthfully, that fucker is HUGE, it's like a master bathroom and all I ever do is piss in there. There's a tub, shower, sink, toilet, bidet (don't ask me why there's a bidet and NO, I don't use it) and built in shelves, too much stuff. I could easily make the two remaining bedrooms upstairs into one huge bedroom and make my tenants apartment a guest room, extra bedroom, studio and some other shit because they have like 8 humongous rooms. This is something I'm going to seriously consider. One of my cousins is a contrator so I'll speak to him.

Sam and I are going to do some serious hanging out next week. I've been staying home in an attempt to save money and while I will not be a complete louse when it comes to spending money, I am going to have a bit of fun. Well, I guess I should convince myself to go to bed, I do have to go to work in the morning.

Yo, this is the dumbest thing I have seen all day

Now we know why the "terrorists" knocked down the Twin Towers and why Hurrican Katrina left thousands of people homeless. It was all Ellen Degeneres' fault.






According to Pat Robertson, whom FEMA listed as the second organization to give money to only after The Red Cross and who spends half of his charitable money to fund his own media empire, Ellen is this reason why all of these horrible things keep happening to poor Americans.


“By choosing an avowed lesbian for this national event, these Hollywood elites have clearly invited God’s wrath,” Robertson said on “The 700 Club” on Sunday. “Is it any surprise that the Almighty chose to strike at Miss Degeneres’ hometown?”

Not the fact that the first President Bush and his cronies years ago fucked over Afghanistan and in particular Bin Laden, not the fact that America has for years fucked over any country it feels it wants to and has therefore spread a hatred for it's citizens world wide, not for the fact that Katrina was a FUCKING HURRICANE, a WAVE that started off of the coast of Africa about a month ago, no, it's all Ellen's fault. Jesus God what a fucking idiot!

“This is the second time in a row that God has invoked a disaster shortly before lesbian Ellen Degeneres hosted the Emmy Awards,” Robertson explained to his approximately one million viewers. “America is waiting for her to apologize for the death and destruction that her sexual deviance has brought onto this great nation.”




Guilty of death and destruction? You decide.

at Work

So, I'm sitting here "working" and I am playing around on line. My friend K sends me this email about the whole Katrina thing from "the black perspective" which if anyone who knows me personally knows that this whole situation has pissed me off. Not to say that this one incident has pissed me off, I have always been generally pissed off with the way Black folks have been portrayed/seen/treated/allowed to live in this country.

After 9 - 11, many of us (me NOT included) fell into this "we're all Americans bullshit". I for one have always known I was a Nigger, I am, and will always be a nigger. No amount of degrees I have earned and standard American English flowing out of my mouth would ever change that. I know who I am and what this country perceives me to be. I have experienced too much adversity in my short life to make myself believe otherwise.

Will this be a wake up call? I doubt it. If children being bitten by dogs, arrested, shocked with tazer (sp?) guns and drowned with water hoses 40 years ago was not a wake up call, a few poor homeless niggers aren't going to change shit. So, my friend Keyah, who is an optimist and also I think a closeted Republican tells me, "you think too negatively of what's going on, we've made such great strides, the government has been shamed into improving situations, you'll see". Keyah, I love you, you are great but that's not going to happen. Why wasn't the government shamed when it was selling your great grand mother and my grand father to the highest bidder? Why wasn't it shamed when it passed a law declaring you 2/3 of a human being? Why wasn't it shamed when local law makers and mobs of men hung black men from trees and cut off their sexual organs as a way to pass time after a Saturday night beer (my great grandfather being one of them)? Why wasn't it shamed when it allowed ADULTS to throw rocks at a SEVEN YEAR OLD girl as she tried to go to school? Why wasn't it shamed when it ordered it's officers to tazer my friends mom and my father (who had a scar on him arm from the tazer) as they marcehd for basic rights? Why wasn't it shamed when it didn't allow you the right to vote until 1965 and in some cases 1970? Why wasn't it shamed when that man down in Texas was dragged behind a pick up truck leaving his body trailed along the highway and then Governer BUSH didn't even meet with the man's family (they sat in his office for about 2 hours before they were told he wouldn't be coming out). Why wasn't it shamed two weeks ago when "fat Tony" in Bensonhurst beat that guy who was coming from his girlfriend's house nearly half to death ("Fat Tony" claimed he thought the guy was out to steal someone's car, I guess his 9-1-1 buttons weren't working on his phone that night)? Where was their shame then? Then, to make matters even worse, or better depending on what side of the argument you're arguing I read this:

GOP Congressman, Rep.Richard Baker of Baton Rouge was overheard telling lobbysits the following, concerning Hurricane Katrina and the damage it caused:

"We finally cleaned up public housing in New Orleans. We couldn't do it, but God did."


What the fuck?! This is the shit I am talking about. If you go to this man's
website, the biggest thing up there is For the PEOPLE of Louisiana. Are those who live in public housing not people? I personally know people who live in public housing and no one lives there because they want to. People live there because they HAVE to.

Now, I am by no means saying that every single Black person one comes across is going to be on the straight and narrow, as people are individuals and should be treated as such. But it is just inherent bullshit like this that keeps things the way they are. This week we've PUBLICALLY heard Barbara Bush and this Baker guy say what they feel but millions of people think and feel this way, they just don't have sound bytes of their racism readily available on Fox News. It makes me angry because this is the kind of thing that keeps people from getting ahead. This is why the schools in our neighborhoods are deplorable because we are "you know underprivileged anyway so this is working out fine for them"* this is why when I apply for a job with not one, not two but four degrees and more experience at 27 then most people will have at 40, I get passed over. Because "actually it's kind of scary but everyone I'm speaking to says they want to stay in Texas"* I guess having a big black woman in the office would scare people.

*Both quotes from Barbara Bush.

What the fuck is scary about a family relocating? People do it all of the time but because an influx of Nigs want to move to your neighborhood it's scary?! I'm too angry to finish now.

It's the middle of the night, I have to go to work in the morning

and this is what I'm doing:

The Egg Game It's SOOOO addictive.

Am I 15 Again?

So, I was once again speaking to the father of my future child and he goes, "Hey, MY NAME, why don't we get together this week, I haven't seen you in a while". "Huh, I'm busy this week" was my response. I'm scared I've gained a lot of weight since I've last seen him and I'm almost certain he'll be all Ewwwwwwwwwww! when he sees me. Why do I think this. I'm a fat girl, always have been, more than likely always will be. I think highly of myself most of the time but, never being this big before, I must admit I often feel not bad about myself, but just weird. I've gained I don't know how much weight, but I know that my thighs, legs and waist are all about 4 or 5 inches bigger then they were. How much weight that equals, I am not sure but, it bothers me at times, I won't sit here and say that it doesn't. The last time I saw him, I know I was thinner and more in shape, I have those two stapled together pictures to prove that to me. I have this weird notion in my head that if I fast and work out like crazy for the next week or so I will be able to lose all the weight I've gained in like the last year and a half. I don't want to feel down on myself, but, I don't know, I think I'm sad.

Made it home in less than two hours

So, I'm home. The day was pretty decent. I LOVE my new assignment. I teach two classes, then I have prep, I teach another class, then I have lunch, then I have TWO periods of assistant deaning where I sit in my office, waiting for teachers to bring me their bad kids. Today, two kids came in. One didn't want to open his notebook. The other was talking back to the teacher. I asked the principal, "Shouldn't I walk around to show my presence in the school?" She tells me, what if someone needs you? Stay in your office MY NAME. Bet. So I sat there. I fiddeled with my computer, did some lesson plans, I LOVE this job. I tried to add the links to my blog but, it turned out to be some weirdly shaped mess so I changed it. Well, going to go take Sam for a walk, bother The Heavenly One and then come home for a nap.

Some People Really Are This Stupid

I probably should be working, but I guess that's one of the advantages of having your own office, and a laptop, and a working phone line. Part of my new job description, starting today, is to be an assistant dean, I have been stripped of my 5 classes a day and left with just three, for two periods, I sit in this/my office and wait for teachers to bring bad ass kids here so that I can give them a talkin' to. I guess working all of those years in the "big bad ghetto" got me somewhere after all, (it may have something to do with me getting my Masters in Educational Leadership but, since that isn't finished, I prefer to believe it has to do with me working in Bushwick). Anyway, I much prefer not having to teach five classes everyday and these children are NO WHERE next to bad. I've taught BAD and CRAZY kids, these children are just teenagers, working their way through some hormonal shit and trying to prove how "down" they are in front of the other teenagers. Since I am only one of FOUR black teachers in a school that is all black and latino, I have been given this duty. Miraculously, the other three black teachers have also been given some kind of "with the kids" assignment. Two of them have been appointed "rap" counselors, to talk to the kids twice a week during a group session (their schedule has also been cut to do this). And the other black teacher, the only male, has been assigned lunch/recess duty, it is supposed to be against our contract but he doesn't seem to know that, I think he's new. I'm debating whether I will saddle up to him and tell him about it later.

So anyway, was talking to a fellow educator, not one of the four. I'll call her Pippi Longstocking becase she is walking around with these fucked up pigtails even though she has to be like 35. Now, I am not against pig tail wearing, I rock them OUTSIDE OF WORK. I wear them to the store, to THO's house, while I'm cleaning up and while I'm pretending to exercise. I might even wear them to work if we were having a sports day or some type of fun event, but not on a Monday, the first day of "real" classes, with a bunch of teenagers who are just looking for some excuse to cut you down. Come on. So anyway, Pippi Longstocking and I have this "conversation"

PLS: My goodness, did you hear about what happened down in New Orleans?

Me: (Thinking somethning worse had happened between watching the news this morning and getting to work, and bracing myself for it) Oh my God, what happened?

PLS: You know, hurricane Katrina

Me: Uh, yeah, I heard. (What am I, an idiot? Who HASN'T heard about this you moron?)

PLS: All those people, it really sucks

Me: (Not wanting to be bothered, she is now in my mind an idiot and I don't want to waste time, effort, thought or breath on her) Yeah.

PLS: My friends and I usually go to Mardi Gras like every other year or so. We're definitely going in February, it's probably going to be so crowded, everyone's going to want to see what happened, like at Ground Zero (where the Twin Towers where in NYC)

Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Like half the city is gone dude. In NYC, it was just that one spot that got hit. This is like more than half of the city. Mardi Gras is the least of these people's concerns. There are like 4,000 bums left in the city anyway, who are you going to Mardi Gras (using it as a verb) with?

Some Random Teacher butts in: Yeah, what are talking about Pippi?

PLS: You think it's that bad? (this question sounded pretty genuine)

Me:

Some Random Teacher: Are you serious?

PLS: I'm sure they'll have it fixed by then, that's like 4 months away.

Me:

Some Random Teacher: Actually it's like 5 but did you see the news? It's like totally devastated down there.

PLS: But, the French Quarter seemed okay.

Me:

Some Random Teacher: Like 60% of the city is under water.

Me: Well, I've got a class, gotta go.


I'm sure Pippi has a Masters degree. I mean, she's teaching high school literacy. What the Fuck is wrong with her? And, she's teaching someone's child? This is some bullshit. I swear, when I have my son/daughter, I don't want to be nasty but, I'm going to be up in the teacher's ass. I wouldn't want someone doing that to me, but then again, I'm not an idiot man.


I think I'm going to like this job. Other than the traveling, which is awful, it's pretty easy and I get an office I can fuck around in for like three pweriods a day (2 periods of assistant dean duties, plus my prep) this just might kick ass.

I Don't Want to Go To Work

Spoke to the father of my future child which I will call JW (just because I'm really not in the mood to come up with a more creative name). So, JW is very sweet, nice and kind but, today after we spoke, he calls me and tells me to check my email because he has sent me something. When I open the mail, it is a few pictures of him, naked, smiling and posing for the camera. While I must admit that I was impressed by what I saw, I am not really attracted to him. He's very light (for a black guy) and it's just strange for me (sorry if I'm sounding racist). All the guys that I have slept with and seriously dated have been very dark skin though strangely, the two girls that I've slept with have been very, very light. I don't know if he was expecting me to get back to him like oh, you're so hot or whatever, I just didn't respond at all. Also, he's a cit on the thin side, he's lost some weight since I've seen him last. Again, I don't want to complain, but I'm used to screwwing fatter people, male or female. I know this sounds ignorant but, I just don't want my baby to be some skinny bright kid. All of my life I've envision these big, fat, BLACK babies. I always thougt I would marry some fat dark guy and have these big, juicy, black babies and it just seems weird to me to face the possibility of that not being so. I guess that entire thing is stupid anyway because here I am being a teacher for a lot longer then I ever thought I would be, who ever thought I'd be back in Brooklyn right in this house again? Not me. Who thought I wouldn't be married at all when I decided to become a mom? (again not me) and who would have ever thought that I would try to become a principal? The funny thing is, I was just reminded of this, when I first began teaching when I was 20, the guy who fingerprinted me was this old black guy and he tells me, oh, you'll be a principal in a couple of years and I told him, not me, I won't be doing this for too long which such an aire of "you stupid old man you" in my voice and here I am, doing exactly what I said I wouldn't, that's funny. So, I guess I better get over what I thought I would do and what I am doing really quick because other wise, I'm just being an asshole.

Spoke to MD (really nice church guy) today. He's sweet but he calls me every week and invites me to church. Does he like me? Does he think I'm a heathen? Who knows.

Why do I insist on staying up late at night when I know I have so much to do in the morning? I don't know, just one of my weird and strange quirks. I figured with all of the up and down the stairs and hills I'll have to do this week, I'm burning about 2,000 calories a day just going to, being at, and coming home from work. If I skip breakfast (which no one should do really) eat just a salad for dinner and have a "sensible dinner", barring all baked goods (I did make my cookies this weekend and shit are they good) I should theoretically loose like 3 pounds a weeks which would kick ass if I can stick to the salad for lunch and sensible dinner thing. At this point, I would just like to get back to my regular size, which is about three sizes smaller than I am lugging around right now, be a nit healthier since I do a lot of sitting around and doing nothing and be a little smaller before I get pregnant. I want a real pregnancy belly, not a jelly belly, (which I could easily be on my way to) so, I am especially going to try to do sit ups and the like to get my once flat tummy back to some semblance of itself. Well, guess I'll go to bed now.

What a Day

Of course I am tired but like a little kid, I have to sit up until I fall asleep. Unlike a little kid, I have to teach five classes of 13 - 16 year olds tomorrow. So, this morning, I got up early, walked to the train station, climbed 4 landings of stairs to catch train. Went down two flights of stairs to catch second train, walked two blocks to catch bus, walked up hill to get to school then walked up six flights to actually get to my classroom. What the Fuck? The good news is, at this rate, I should be able to lose all the weight I want to in about 3 weeks, the bad news is, got up early, walked to train station, climbed 4 landings of stairs to catch train. Went down two flights of stairs to catch second train, walked two blocks to catch bus, walked up hill to get to school then walked up six flights to actually get to my classroom. Then had to do it all in reverse to get home.

I have to find a school closer to my house, this is ridiculous. Starting tomorrow, during lunch, I am going to call every school in a ten block radius of home because there is no way on Goddess' green earth I am going to do this every day for the rest of the year. I'd have to be on some kind of crack for that.

Spoke to the father of my future child and spoke about custody, how we will do visitation, etc. The thing is this, he tells me if I feel more comfortable with him not having anything to do with the child he will respect that. I must admit that I was very tempted but, I felt guilty in denying my baby a chance to know his/her dad, especially since he is a pretty decent guy. I did however have weird fantasies (during my LOOOOONG train ride) about him absconding with my beautiful baby to some far off land or even some tiny American town where he/she would never be heard from again. I don't want to be one of those lying mothers who tells their child "your dad died" and I don't want to deny my child a relationship with his/her father but, I'm afraid of the ramifications of what I am planning to do. Ideally, I would love to be married and having a child with my husband, but that is not a reality for me. I hope that I am making the right decision. I already feel that having a child is correct, I am very excited but, what door of legal woes am I opening by doing this? I guess I'll see.

Dammit, School Again, Uggggh

So, it's the day before school starts. I am supposed to be up at like 5 in the morning. So, am I getting much needed sleep? No, I'm up listening to Bjork and playing with Sam. Do I want to go to work? No. Do I need to go to work? Hell yes. Like a child, I refuse to go to bed at a decent time, but unlike a child, I have no mommy to put me to bed or wake me up in the morning. Well, I have a mommy, but she won't be putting me to bed or waking me up anytime soon.

So, today, I was looking at pictures me and my cousin T took at that wedding I went to earlier this summer, the one with the horrible cousins in the 100 degree heat. So, I look SO FAT in those pictures! WTF?! I mentioned this to The Heavenly One who diplomatically answers "MY NAME, you are a little heavier but it's nothing too bad". Gee, thanks Mom. Now I feel better. I then went scouring for pictures of me from last year and I found one where I was looking quite fetching and svelte. So, I took these two pictures and bent them in a way so that there are no other people to be seen. I stapled them together so that I could have a side by side comparison of me and Jesus, not only do I LOOK fat, my ass is FAT! I mean, I know that I know that I have gotten fatter. I've talked about it, blogged about it. I see it in all of the clothes that don't fit anymore. I did some fasting earlier and lost some weight, then when I got dressed for the last wedding I went to, I thought I lost some weight since the dress I wore seemed a little bigger, but last week, I put on this dress I haven't worn since last year and God, I looked awful. So now, for motivation/torture, I have hung this side by side picture of myself up over my desk, near my bedroom mirror, and I had the strange urge to put it near my fridge though I didn't. I'm, really pissed off too because I planned on baking a big batch of Gwen's chocolate chip cookies (with walnuts) mmmmmm, and a big batch of my everything cookies. Now, looking at my fat ass all over the place, I truly don't want to do it. I mean I love my body and all that jazz but God am I fat.

Look at this dumb bitch

I haven't posted anything about Katrina because truthfully, I didn't know what to say and I was very angry about the way things have been handled by our government and baout the way people who look just like me have been treated and portrayed in the media. But today, I was reading the paper (as I do everyday) and I was shocked and appaled by the statements of Barbara Bush, the president's mother and the former first lady. After visiting the SuperDome in Houston Texas where literally THOUSANDS of homeless hurricane victims are now living, she says and I QUOTE:

"And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working out very well for them,"


WHAT THE FUCK LADY! I mean Jesus, I don't care how poor you are or how little you have. Your home is your home, I don't care if it's a mansion, a studio apartment or a fucking trailer up on cinder blocks, it's yours. Does she think sleeping in a fucking sports arena with THOUSANDS of people is "working out very well for them"?! Can someone hit this woman with an intelligence stick? It is idiodicy like this that makes me angry. You better believe if she had the misfortune of losing anything of hers she wouldn'e feel this chipper about the situation. An ENTIRE CITY is gone! and all she can say is things are working out fine, on what planet could this possibly be true and what kind of crack is she on exactly?

She then goies on to say, AND I QUOTE:

"What I'm hearing is they all want to stay in Texas," she continued. "Everyone is so overwhelmed with the hospitality."

Who the fuck wants to leave their home like that? If all was well in Orleans, does she honestly think that ten thousand people would just get up and move to Texas? Give me a break chick. I don't care how hospitable someone is when I visit, ultimately, I want to go home and I'm sure these people would love to be back home too.

Then she says: MORE QUOTING:

Later, on "Larry King Live," she defended her son and disputed critics who say the delays in getting relief to New Orleans proved the President doesn't care about poor black people. "Now that one hurt because I know this President, and I know he does care," she said.

I'm not even going to touch that one, I'm truly too pissed off. Anyhow, very few mothers find fault with their "sweet baby boys" especially not in front of the entire country.

Where did my links go?

I guess in the excitement of changing my blog, I forgot to copy and paste my links, darn, guess I'll have to do them again.

And we're off!

I made the decision yesterday to have my baby the good old fashioned way. After I looked at those sperm banks for a few minutes I really thought, I can do this, I SHOULD do this. I thought and thougnt and came up with this guy who is sort of a psuedo friend, he's nice, we know one another but I wouldn't really call him a friend friend. I emailed him and asked what he thought and right away he was like "SURE"! He tells me, we could have a relationship, I've always thought you were a really cool girl and you're beautiful. I answered: Awwwwww!, that was sweet but, I just want a baby right now, I have just a few years to conceive and I don't want to get into something that may not work. I asked him to collect as much medical history for me as he could and asked him for baby and childhood pictures and he sent them in like a half hour. Needless to say, I was quite impressed. So, we spoke about STD testing (we are both negative for everything) he told me his blood type (for the Rh factor thing) and he tells me, I'm ready when you are. Cool. I've decided to start in about a month or two since I want to lose about 15 pounds BEFORE I try to get pregnant, plus, I want to tell my doctor and get prenatal vitamins and all that jazz. Hopefully (fingers crossed, knock on wood, praying to the Gods) this will work. I'm very excited but, I'm a big nut too, so I'm very, very scared. So, (Goddess PLEASE don't let him come across this blog) here's a picture of the two of us as babies. I think my baby will come out a little on the bright side, (at least for a black kid) but I think he/she will be cute, no?:






So here's hoping everything goes well and to a quickly conceived, healthy fat baby.

I'm tired of being by myself. I meet men all of the time, but either they just aren't what I am looking for, or if they are okay, nothing really seems to happen between us. I don't want to be one of those desperate looking for a man type women and I can be on my own but truthfully, I feel like I have been alone for so long. Before Mysterious Ex and I got togrther, I took a two year break from dating because I had gotten out of a REALLY bad relationship. That in itself isn't entirely true. I kind of dated this girl who turned out to be a real nut and besides, I'm not really into women on the permanent side so I guess I really did take a break. For the year and a half M.E. and I were together, we were constantly breaking up and going through bullshit and half the time that we were together as a couple, I was alone. I really feel as though I wasted a lot of time with M.E. The sad thing is, I felt that I should have broken up with him a long time ago but there was this side of me that felt that if I didn't try to see what was between us, I would never had known if he and I could have made it or not. I am always a softee when it comes to love. I am always trying to make something work when I know all too well that I shouldn't. When it comes to a good relationship, what is most important? I have given up on decent men because I thought they were dumb or not knowledgeable enough or because they had a crappy low paying job. I've always had this idea of what a good man is supposed to be, and though I have found men to seem to fit into that category, they always seem to be fucked up in their own right. The majority of my friends seem to be in relationships. I'm not bummed because I feel like I should be in one too, it's more like what's wrong with me that I can't seem to make it work. I just keep seeming to be choosing the wrong kind of man. I feel that must be a huge reflection on me as an individual and even after a lot of soul searching and asking around of different people, I can't seem to figure out what the problem is. I think I just try to hard. I am very determined and while that may be cool in some aspects of life, like getting double degrees and going after principal certifications, it seems to not fare so well in other aspects of life, like knowing when to let go of a fucked up relationship. I just always want everything to work out and I seem to give my all even if it shourt changes me. I have to stop that, I honestly do. I'm just feeling really bummed out now, I guess I needed to get that out.

I received a letter today saying that my application for adoption has been closed because I asked to be moved to another agency. Mind you none of this is true. I cannot call until Thursday because Monday is a holiday. Originally I thought it was cute that my social worker is 84 and has been working for 64 years, now I just think that chick is out of her mind. I am so angry because I've never told her such a thing. I just spoke to her a few days ago and she was reassuring me that everything would be fine. She even told me she remembers me more than her other clients because her grand daughter and I have that same name. On top of all of that, I am the only one of her clients who has requested a Black baby boy, everyone wants a Black or Caucasian or Asian GIRL! What is wrong with this woman? It is so aggravating. I was having a day where I was shopping for baby items, researching to see which things would be best, and I actually started moving things around in my studio (which I will be making into the nursery) so that I can box my art supplies up (I'm going to make my basement into my studio) and I get this letter. It bummed me out for a minute because I took it as a sign that maybe I shouldn't be a mom yet then something said Fuck that! This is what I want and I am going to do what needs to be done.

For a bit of time today, I was thinking that I should just get pregnant and have a naturally. Then it occurs to me, who would get me pregnant? I have guy friends but they are acquaintences (sp?) no one I would want to sleep with. I was thinking of calling an ex or two of mine but, I am not one for unprotected sex, especially with someone I am not in a committed relationship with. With all of the diseases in the world, I don't want to catch something simply because I want a baby. I thought of my "friend" C, that older rich guy but, ewwww, I can't see myself having sex with him. I even thought of going to a sperm bank. I researched it for about twenty minutes, but quickly stopped. The only person I know would not give me a disease and who I would want to have a child with is my friend K in Chicago but he says:
#1 He would prefer to have a child with his wife when he gets one
#2 He would at the very least want to have a child with someone who lived in Chicago
#3 Why don't I just wait a bit? He and I made a pact to marry one another if I am not married by the time I am 36 (9 years from now), so if all else fails, we can have our baby then.

Needles to say, I was not amused. I've even thought about getting back together with Myserious Ex so that I can try to get pregnant an then breaking up with him again. But, on the occasions that we haven't used a condom, M.E. is very sperm conscious and quite stingy with his bodily fluids. Alas, I seem to be back at adoption.

Uggh, School starts next week

School starts next week and I still haven't found a school in my neighborhood. WTF? There are openenings, I'm a kick ass teacher, what's the problem. Since I am going for my principas's license, I think this has something to do with it. Schools are looking up my file and seeing that I have applied for the certification and I guess they are thinking I won't be able to teach for the next 45 years as some teachers seem to like to do. I'm saying, there isn't anything wrong with it if that is what one plans to do, but, I just can't see myself doing the same thing for like 40 years, that's almost ungodly. So, I guess I'll be tracking my fat ass up to the Bronx (uggggh!) every morning, at least until I find something closer. The good thing is with all of that traveling up and down the stairs EVERYDAY, I should be back to my old size in no time. The bad thing is, GOING TO THE BRONX EVERYDAY! What the hell was I thinking when I took this job?! I must be on crack.

Took three clep test last week for subjects that I have never taken and never studied for and passed them, then took a test this week, in biology and feeling all full of my self, failed :( by 7 points. That sucked. So, I guess I'll take it again. Really only taking these tests so that I can get paid a little more. The city has this thing if a teacher has her Masters plus 30 or her Masters plus 60 credits, she gets a pay increase. SInce I have a baby coming, I decided I need to make as much money as possible so, I am aiming for my the pluse 60 credits thing so that I can make 4,000 extra dollars a year. When one thinks about it, it doesn't really seem like much, but, it's 4,000 more than I would ordinarily get.

Came across the most interesting information. Apparently, mothers that can adopt children can lactate and breastfeed the child. I had no idea this was possible, I was under the impresssion that a woman had to be pregnant in order to naturally feed her child. I think that this is something I am going to do with my child. I came across all of these great sites about adoptive breastfeeding and that feels like something I am going to do. I always thought I would breast feed my children so this is a great discovery for me. I will begin the process of inducing lactation in about a month or so, once I get used to being at work again (in the fucking BRONX of all places) and once things get into a fuller swing with the baby. So, I am really looking forward to being a mommy. I almost can't believe it but, I am very happy. I can't wait.

here we go again

Went to yet another wedding today. But, this one was wonderful. It was beautiful, elegant, actually, perfect, a far, far cry from that catastrophe last week. My friend G and her boyfriend O got married. I am so happy for them, they seem so happy. Then, in the midst of this wonderful wedding, I began to feel so sad because it comes to me that no one that I have ever loved has ever loved me enough to make such a committment to me. I feel that I have wasted so much time on bad relationships. Alone, I wasted nearly two years with Mysterious Ex, hoping that things would get better. I, for a short time, questioned myself. What is it I'm doing? Why do I keep allowing myself to get mixed up in such foolishness? I'm not sure. I think I am so sure of myself. I think that I think I am so wonderful, but, I am alone. Even with the relationship between M.E. and I, I have been alone for about 3 years. My relationship with M.E. was not real, we barely spent time together, I was normally by myself anyway. So, I haven't REALLY been in a relationship since 2002 when I was with this horrible man who tried to beat my ass. and before that, I was with this guy for 6 years who left me and got this girl pregnant. What does all of this say about the kind of person I am. Are relationships just my bad thing? We all have something about us that is fucked up. I have a wonderful friend who is great but can't seem to pronounce the word spaghetti, (she says skasketti) that's her bad thing. ANother friend of mine is terrific, she smart, great, she just dabbles in hard core drugs, she's not an addict, its just her bad thing. Maybe relationships are mine. People always seem to be amazed that I am not in a committed relationship. Everyone thinks I'm so great, but there obviously must be something wrong with me. I wish I knew what it was. Do I just pick bad men? Do I allow too much of myself to go? What is it? Why am I this way? All day I've been thinking of this. I've wanted to cry all day long and I finally did when I got home.

My cousin Lovely went with me to the wedding. Whe came back to my house with me for a bit but she went home a while ago. We were talking and she had some things to say. She says that she thinks I should hold off on the adoption thing, she says that I need to heal from my relationship with M.E., she says that she doesn't think having a child right now is the best thing for me. I told her, I always thought that at this point in my life, I would be married and preparing for my first child. I told her that I cannot put my life on hold for something that may not happen. She tells me, you are only 27, you're still a young woman. I asked her, so when will I be old enough? Should I wait until I am 37 and go, okay, that's long enough, now I'll move on with my life? At this point, I am a working teacher. I am not rich but, I'm not starving either. In about two or so years, I will be making like 50,000 dollars more than I am making now, I have a house, I have tenants, I have some land, I live near family, this is what I want to do. Should I not do this because I don't have a man? She tells me that she thinks I'm a great person and I would make a wonderful mom but she feels I am rushing into the baby thing. I told her, look what I come home to, an empty house. I have Sam whom I love dearly, I have my cat whom I also love and that is it. THO lives near and I love her, but she is my mom. Almost everyone I know has a family, that is what I want. Should I not have that because of the absence of a man? No. I could wait forever, should that mean that I shouldn't love a child? Should that mean that I can't have at least some of the life I want? She said she sees my point but that she also has one. Ultimately, I am the only person that can decide this, and this is what I want. I am tired of waiting for someone to act right or get their shit together or turn out to be someone I was not expecting. I am ready to move on with my life and this is the direction I'd like it to go in.

Life, at least momentarily, is very good. I took two CLEP tests yesterday in subjects that I have never, ever taken in life and passed. Woo Hoo! That means I have gained an additional 6 credits without taking a class, without spending thousands of dollars on a class and that in itself is very exciting. I had an interview with a school in my neighborhood, they told me they would let me know by this afternoon but, I have yet to hear from them. Still haven't given Sam a haircut and he looks an ever living mess. Sebastian caught two mice this week which by far has been one of the grossest experiences of my life. Mind you, I have NEVER had mice, now for two of them to be caught in one week. Ewwwww! My cousin T (the pregnant one) doesn't live very far from me. I spoke to her this morning (she and the baby are doing very well) and she says that she and her husband caught four mice in the past two weeks. Not sure what's going on in this neighborhood but glad to know I am not the only one.

I spoke to my social worker today and I have to say I am quite happy. They will be conducting my homestudy soon and she says she will connect me to the infant department. She spoke of a few unborn children that she knows of, as well as a few babies that were born recently. I am very excited, I could have a baby sooner than I thought. Though, that would mean I'd have to move double time on the nursery thing. But, I guess that would be a small price to pay. I'm going to make cheese burgers and fries for dinner though I know it isn't good for me but huh, not many things in life are good for me.

Uggh, New Blog, Sort of

I thought I was losing weight, but today I put on this dress I haven't worn in a while and good lord why did I do that?! I looked SOOOOOOOOOO horrible in it. Boy, I'm angry at myself.

So, bright and early this morning, M.D. (show I think I'll call Really Nice Church Guy from now on) called me and "invited" me to go to this city wide teacher's union meeting that was supposed to be going on in Manhattan. It was a bit confusing, I told him I MIGHT go, but decided at the last minute not to. There was going to be discussion about the Teacher Retirement System and the UFT (United Federation of Teachers) president was going to be there, as well as the school chancellor. Can anyone say BFD? I thought I would be bored, plus, I ran my mouth on the telephone for like an hour and a half after he called with my cousin T (Lovely) discussing what he meant by "invinting" me to such a thing so, I would have been super late anyway. Lovely is convinced he really likes me and wants to date me, she points out the fact that he went out of his way during our classes to hang out with me and went to lunch with me last week. I pointed out the fact that he "invited" to a fucking UFT meeting! and hasn't asked me out since. She tells me maybe he is just shy and that every man is "out there" I told her I have never come across a shy man. To top things off, he mentions a concert that will be going on on Wednesday night, but doesn't ask if I'd like to go, he tells me, letting you know in case YOU wanted to go. I think I'm in the friend zone. I'm not bummed about it, just kind of weird I guess. I told Lovely I think he's just being a really nice church guy. It isn't that he likes me, he just wants to be kind to me. She states, is he nice to all of the women like that? Why does he take a special interest in you? Hard to explain. Maybe he just thinks I'm nice or something, whatever. It's cool.

So, this guy who has been a friend of mine for like 6 years, and during that entire time has been in a relationship sent me this e mail yesterday:

We finally broke up. Call me when you get a chance 347- xxx- 1743, I can't wait to talk to you. I miss you.

Wow. I haven't spoken to him in like a year or so. When last we spoke, he told me, I wish you and I could have gotten together, then he laughed. I swore he was joking, it wasn't as though he were seriously talking about us being together. That was a bit weird.

Going to get my attempted 5 miles (more like 1.5) in before it gets too hot.

I have for some reason this evening, felt very sad. Maybe its because I have my period, maybe I'm just moody, but I was and am in this weird mood where I am missin Mysterious Ex. I felt so wonderful for a while, I wonder what is causing me to relapse, not exactly sure what it is but, I'm just feeling lonely, feeling a bit sad. I know that even when we were together I felt terrible, so, I don't know where this is coming from.

This evening, I attended the most ghetto wedding ever. I have never in my life seen such an assemblage of terribly dressed people. There must have been a buy 12 get 12 free down at the ten dollare store because every single member of this family looked a great hot mess. There were young girls with their breasts hanging out, old ladies with their asses hanging out. I've just never been witness to such a thing. Their clothing was a sight to behold. The dresses were just of the cheesiest material imagniable, I've never, ever, ever ever seen such a thing. I wish I had taken a camera so that there could be some proof.

This wedding was that of a distant friend. I know the bride through one of my cousins so of course, said cousin was there. This is the same cousin who rode in the car with me and Mysterious Ex at that huge wedding I had to go to back in June:


#3 Mysterious Ex was asked to cart some relatives from the church to the reception, since he has a big three rows of seats SUV/truck type of vehicle, he obliged which makes him very nice in my book. Said relatives were from the sect of my family no one likes to mention, they are mostly under educated, under or unemployed (and not because they were going through a career change or slump or this is a good enough job for now type thing), they mostly comprise of the stereotypical jive talking black folks that are thrown up on movie and T.V. screens. My brother, carrying his wife, two daughters and The Heavenly One (who decided she would bless both of us, my brother and I, with her presence by "allowing" M.E. and me to take her to the wedding and then "allowing" my brother to take her to the reception) had an entire row of seats to spare and M.E. and I, traveling together, unfortunately had two rows equaling 6 seats to give away. After the service, my brother and Mysterious Ex who both drive these massive SUVs were LITERALLY nearly run down with requests for being driven to the reception hall by this sect of my family. This is basically how it went:

Embarassing Family Member: (Spoken loudly and in the worst english possible) Yo, yo, MY NAME how you gettin' to the reception?

Me: Um, my boyfriend is going to drive me, well us.

Embarassing Family Member: What he be drivin'?

Me: Excuse me?

Embarassing Family Member: What he drivin'?

Me: You mean what type of CAR is he driving?

Embarassing Family Member: Yeah

Me: Um, he has a Land Cruiser, why?

Embarassing Family Member: He co' (could) take us?

Me: Well, who is "us"?

Embarassing Family Member: (Names replaced) This one, That one, and them, oh, and Her and Him

Me: Um, Let me ask.

Embarassing Family Member: Oh, you gotta be asking yo' man and shit?

Me: Well, it is HIS car, I'll let you know.



They decided they HAD to have beer before they went to the reception, even though the reception was like a mile away (there was beer and liquor being served at the reception) from the church and we left DIRECTLY after the service, (read: there was like 15 minute travel time including getting in the car, driving to the hall and finding parking, etc.) Before they all piled into the car, I let M.E. know about their propensity to make things disappear so he ever so discreetly threw small items into the back hutch like portion of the truck. Even though the ride only lasted a few minutes, it was one of the longest periods of my life. Mysterious Ex and I threw one another sideways glances as we listened to them slay the english language like a knight sent to rid the kingdom of the awful fire breathing dragon. Strangely, I think we grew closer as we listened to them declare how they would "knock a N---er out if he look at me wrong" and how they were ready to "get hiiiiiiiigh" (emphasis is their's not mine) we then listened to how either of us, (M.E. or I) would "get jacked if we came through their 'hood" because we were, AND I QUOTE, "sof', high class niggers, who be talkin' white and shit". I CANNOT POSSIBLY MAKE THIS STUFF UP. Their conversation then turned to how my parents have always been "stuck up", "thinkin' they white", and how they "be turnin' their nose up at us" and how consequently my brother and sister and I were the same. Mind you, I was in the car, in MY BOYFRIEND'S car who was giving them a ride. I would have loved for this lovely portion of the evening to have never ended but alas, we had arrived at our destinantion.


That cousin. So anyway, this girl has two beautiful children. Two gorgeous girls and all night long, I had to hear her curse them, ignore them, hit them and generally be mean to them because they were doing normal kid things and she wanted to get drunk. I couldn't stand it. Here I am, going to take out a line of credit on my house so that I can pay for an adoption of a child. Truth be told, I may not be able to have children, and here she is popping out healthy child one after the other (I know FOR A FACT that this girl has had AT LEAST 4 abortions) and she can't be bothered to treat them correctly. I've seen her do this to her kids before. She has a three year old daughter. THREE YEARS OLD. Once, her little girl was calling her, not in an annoying way but just in a "listen to me now" as children do kind of way. She answered to her three year old something to the effect of "shut the fuck up whore, you get on my nerves bitch." I don't remember precisely what she said, but I know she called her three year old a whore and a bitch. Here I am, I DESPERATELY want a baby, so much to the fact that I prayed my period wouldn't come, I had some tiny glimmer of hope that maybe some of Mysterious Ex's sperm from our last screw may have impregnated me.

Also of interest. I saw three whores tonight. My neighborhood is becoming slowly but surely gentrified. The wedding was about ten blocks from my house so, it's still my neighborhood. After the wedding, my cousin T (my favorite cousin) and I tried to get a cab. We spoke to a police officer, who was very sweet and he told us we should walk up the street, there was a better chance of getting a taxi there. So we go up the block and low and behold what is sitting there in the middle of the street? A hotel. So, we was this whore go into the hotel with this man, we were both pretty skeezed out because we knew the deal. As we are waiting and waiting to hail a cab, this whore gets into the car with this man and begins to give him a blow job, right there on the street. It was so crazy. Then, we see a cab but, it looks like it is off duty. The back window rolls down and this guy goes "where do you want to go?" We tell him and he says, I'll take you. He gets out of the back, we assumed he was taking a nap, but as we are approaching the car, this woman jumps out the back seat and then climbs into the front. My cousin and I just look at each other beause we are shocked, we really don't want this cab, but then again, we were trying to get one for like 20 minutes with no luck. The cab driver drops the girl off on some random corner and she goes, I wasn't standing here, he tells her, yes you were, get out, and she gets out. What a night.

Well, I'm off to bed. I'm tired, and more so, I'm sad.

Yet again, money is a hinderance

So, I am ready to have my home study (a background check on me and a survey of my home to see whether it is baby ready or not) and I really just have to choose which agency I want to go with. The thing is, all of the really good agencies are so expensive. As an adult, I've run into this situation a few times where I feel as though I am low on cash or I don't have enough to do something I want to do or in some cases need to do. I hate this feeling. It is something I have never experienced before being on my own. I do have to give my parents credit for doing things the way they did. They were really extraordinary. I've never been without, and if anything, I've always had excess, too much excess. I sometimes wish my dad was still around, he was so good with investing, I could really use his help mow. THO said that she would give me money for the adoption but, I don't want it, this is something that I feel I should do on my own. Even my friend C (who is a very wealthy older man, more on him later) offered but, I don't know if I am being prideful or if I just have strong convictions. I am planning to do some type of fundraising, if they offered to help with that, I would accept, but to just give me money, that isn't something I want to do.

My friend C is this guy that I've known for like over two years. I met him the day I bought Samson home. He's this short, skinny, balding, older white guy, but he's so much fun. He keeps me in stitches, he's a really great person. He and I tried dating for a short while, since he always says he likes me and admittedly, he's a great catch but, I just couldn't do it. We are so opposite that people can't help but stare at us when we are together. Hell, I would stare too if I saw us walking down the street or sitting in some cafe. I'm this tall, huge, big butted curvy, fat black chick with wild, crazy curly hair and he's this really conservative, suit wearing, not so tall, skinny, gray haired, balding white guy, we just look a mess together. He has offered me money for adoption, and then he offered to get me pregnant (C doesn't have children), I have turned him down on both offers. I feel that this is what I am supposed to do, things will work themselves out, I have to believe that they will.

I exchanged mail with this girl I met in class last week. She's a really cool sistah with locks and great style. She gave me the greatest compliment by telling me that she thought I looked great everyday (what can I say?) and she wanted to do some shopping with me. We are supposed to get together next week, so, I have a new friend, yay! I really don't have a lot of friends, like half the people I speak to and think are really cool, are people that I never or barely see because they live so far away, like Gwen who is absolutely great, but she and I just can't call one another up and go for a beer, then there's K who's in Chicago, though he is a great friend. There's female K who fucking lives in AUSTRIA of all places, there's NO WAY she and I can hang out, then there's the three D's, D#1 lives in South Carolina, D#2 lives in Georgia, and D#3 lives in Mississippi. Then there's G who I have a love/hate relationship with, she's cool but can get aggravating quickly, anyway, she's in Maryland, too far for a quick hangout. So, in so far as NY friends, that leaves me with the three T's, one is great, the other is getting her Masters now and raising two kids, she's busy, can't hang out, the other is pregnant and scared something will happen to her baby so, she can't hang out, (I'm going to see he next week). There's the aforementioned C but things with him are weird, there's always sex talk involved after a drink or two (coming from him) when we go out. Then there's L who is just way too ghetto for me, I can't hang out with her, and that's about it. I have a few associates, but no one I consider my "FRIEND". The last 2 new friends I acquired I wound up sleeping with (they were so damned cute) and one went Psycho on me, the other began to think I was her wife and became very upset when I informed her otherwise. So, all of that said, it will be cool to have a new friend.

Exchanged mail with M.D. also. he hadn't called me for a few days but, he's taking one of those classes I was taking, (he too is a Master Teacher), and this one is really kicking his ass. Those classes are a lot of work, I dont' envy him and I'm glad I'm done with mine. Going to perm my hair now, cross my fingers it works out, the last time I permed my hair, I had an allergic reaction and my entire face turned red, we'll see what goes down this time.

Wow, all of this baby stuff is sooo much work. I've filled out all of these papers, applications, waivers, etc. I'm thinking it may be easier to just go and get pregnant. I am stull organizing my baby registry, I shared it with THO tonight and she liked everything I picked out, but named about a zillion things I didn't even have on my list. I know this is going to be A LOT of work, but, I'm very willing.

I have to give Sam another haircut, he is looking less like Billy and more like Madonna. His little buzz cut which I didn't know if I liked before, has grown on me.

THO told me today that I seem so much happier lately and told her that I was. I just feel good, something that I can honestly say I haven't felt for quite some time. I feel free, I feel grat about myself, it's been a long time coming. My last grade for my classes came in today and I got all A's. I'm very happy about that. Now, during the school year, I will have to take two more classes, then a few more classes next summer (5), and I am all done. I am VERY excited about that and truthfully, had I known it would have been this easy, I would have done this a long time ago. Here I was spending my time getting double Masters and spending all of this money, and I could have just taken two summers of classes.

I am trying to be more active. When I was taking those classes, I was always going, always moving, I lost 12 pounds, not that I am trying to lose any more, but, I wouldn't mind not finding the 12 I've already lost. The heat wave has finally broken, so I'm going to try and get in a few miles a day (don't know yet if I'm lying or not).

The school where I was hired earlier this year has yet to give me any info, very strange. I called, but there was no answer. There are still a lot of teacher less classrooms in my neighborhood (even though I was trying to get OUT of my neighborhood) so I'll shop myself around this week and I'm sure I'll get something even if it has to be a little last minute. Well, I guess that's it.

My House is so Gross!

My house is disgusting. Since I have been home for some time, I have gotten myself in to the habit of continuously cleaning up. Picking up after myself when I've made a mess, etc. So, my house is usually clean or at least very close to being clean. SInce I have been running in and out of the house for the last few weeks, my house looks gross. There are towels on my bedroom floor. Underwear NEAR the laundry hamper and stuff on EVERY surface in my house. My couch cushions are all smushed to one side of the couch, my closets look like a bomb went off in them, and I won't even get into the details of my bathroom. Gross, gross, gross but strangely, I feel no strong desire to clean it at this moment.

I'm tired of wearing my hair curly, so I bought a perm to straighten it out. We'll see how that goes over, the perming thing. I hope it comes out good and my hair doesn't fall out. Also, with all of the running around I did with those classes, I lost 12 pounds (wow!) and was able to wear a dress I haven't worn in about two years. Sadly, does this mean I won't be able to fit any of the new cute clothes I bought for my new ample body? We'll see how long this weight loss lasts before I make any of those determinations.

Sam is happy that I am home with him again and frankly, I missed the little bugger. He's sitting in my lap as I write this and the cat is sitting on my feet. Ah, how wonderful it is to be loved.

Spoke to M.D. yesterday, we didn't go out because of the HORRIBLE rain storms NY experienced yesterday. Trees fell down, people were hurt, it was terrible. He really is a sweet guy though I don't think anythings going to come of it which is fine. It was nice just getting to know him and seeing that there are nice decent men out there still.

Went to the adoption meetings last week and went through the orientation and beginning stages. I filled out my application for adoption and for a home study so, we will see how things will go. Well, I'm going to attempt to clean my house.

LOOOONG WEEK

Well, my classes are over, I got all A's and I am waiting for the results of the last test I took. Spent the entire week with MD. Actually, I met him last week, and now I am realizing that he was trying to hang around with me last week but I kept shutting him down not because I didn't want him to hang around with me, but because I didn't realize he WAS trying to hang out with me. This week however, he made it quite clear and we were together during every break, lunch and he even took a train he really shouldn't have taken just so that he could hang around me some more. He suggested we get together tomorrow and I said okay. He asked for my number, cell phone number and email address. I am not hoping or wishing for anything, so, I will take this one day at a time. Just a little about him: he's about 6'4", which I LOVE. He has his Bachelors in Financial Management, his Masters in Music Education, (yes, another musician) and he is currently a Music Teacher, which is actually prestigious because there are so few of them in New York. He's very smart, good looking, he lives in the Bronx, which is SOOOO far from me actually. He runs a music program at his church, and he's nice, he's sweet, he's funny.

It is SOOOOOO HOT! out. There is NO way in the world there should be heat like this in the NORTH of all places. Today, it's supposed to be 99 degrees but feel like it's 110. Needless to say, Sam and I will be indoors for much of the day. I have a few DVD's I wanted to watch, I have to clean my house, and I have some ice cream and ices in the freezer so, my day is pretty much planned.

Well, had lunch the guy from class today. Haven't thought of a nickname for him as of yet so, we'll just call him M.D. Anyway, M.D. and I had a really great lunch. He's a very nice, sweet, kind and well mannered guy. We had luch at this really great, quirky Thai restaurant, the food was exceptionally good and we had a GREAT conversation. Over lunch today he told me, "MY NAME, you are a very pretty, beautiful girl. Any man would be happy to be by your side". Okay, all together now, AWWWWWWW. I must admit, I am in that goofy, he's sweet stage of infatuation and knowing my track record, I won't get my hopes up or even think anything. For now, I'll just enjoy our friendship.

Had a BIG argument with my sister (the one who is an asshole) last night. There was lots of yelling and cursing out done, by me. I thought I would feel bad about it as people tend to do when they argue with someone they care about. But then I remembered, I really don't give a fuck about her. Horrible to say, but couldn't be more true.

Also went to my first adoption meeting today but will have to recap about that at some other time, I'm very tired. Have to go to bed now, I have to be up in like 5 hours.

Nothing much going on really. Went to church with The Heavenly One, haven't been there in some time. I have my first adoption agency meeting tomorrow and my second on Tuesday. Last week's class kicked my ass, it was so much work to do, it was tiring. This weeks class Diagnosis and Remidiation of Literacy Problems in the School Aged Child. Do they purposefully make the class titles long so that you think you are getting your money's worth? Who knows. I'm going to see that guy from last week this week. He's very nice. I picked some green beans (the only thing I gres this year) from my garden so, I thought I might take him some of those, hope he doesn't think I'm being corny. I'll write more during the week if my life gets more exciting.

Uggh again, I forgot that this is what school is like.

While I said my professor is cool, she really is, is has this strange notion that we should actually have to prove what we learned by doing, eeek! dare I say actual homework. All the other classes only really required of us a project and simple test both done on the last day. But not this lady, she is great so I don't want to hate on her but Goddess I've had to do a lot of work. Here I am, up at 1:30 in the morning and I still won't be finished for like another hour or so. I have been away from actualy school for so long that I think I forgot what this was about. I haven't had to do this much work since my days as a double majored undergrad. Not even graduate school the first time around was this hard. I've got so much shit to do.

For some reason, probably the hypothyroidism, my legs are swollen. Bad enough I am a fat legged, fat chick, as opposed to fat chicks who somehow keep thin legs, (how do they do that?), now my legs are swollen and it doesn't look cute. Today, this man was staring at my legs and I began to feel self conscious but I had to snap myself out of it. I have two meetings with two different adoption agencies next week, we'll see how things work out if I ever survive this class. I better get an 'A'. Have to go, lot's of shit to do.

It is hot as fuck out and I have to be in the midst of all of the heat. Going to school, Uggh! This weeks class is fortunately not as boring as the last one, my professor is really cool and down to earth and believes in taking breaks regularly so that is cool. There is a really cool guy in my class, we have been talking alot but, he thinks I am married because:
a) I wear a self committment ring on my finger that people ALWAYS think is a wedding band and
b) The guy from the class two weeks ago told him I was married

He and I have a class next week together so maybe I'll get a chance to turn up the charm. He attempted to have lunch with me but I, being awkward and stupid didin't realize it until I told him I wasn't hungry. I have 8 more days with him, maybe we'll have lunch some other time. I have written 99 posts thus far, woo hoo. Next one is post 100.

Uggh!, School

Have to go to school again this week. I can't wait until this is over. I am so lazy. This week's class is Classroom and Behovioral Management. WHy the Department of Education requires a Master Teacher (as per the Department of Education mind you) to take a class on Classroom Management I will never understand since I have been able to manage a classroom for all of this time, but kiddies, it's all in the name of becoming a principal. Ugggh, school, I hate it!