Single Handedly Setting Back the Black Race

So, I was at THO's house just a bit ago, we were talking about my tenants' non payment of the rent (I know I have to get gully with them, I was just waiting for them to do what they needed to do). Anyway, we were in the kitchen and her television was playing in the living room when I hear the words, "Fantasia Barrino" and "illiterate".



I hightalied it into the living room to hear the most shocking shit (at least for this evening). Apparently, Fantasia of American Idol fame is not only an unwed ex welfare mother, but that bitch is illiterate too! WTF son?, it's like 2005 and shit, that chick is only 20 or so and she can't read? I mean, not even a little bit? She says that the most embarassing and hurtful part of being unable to read is that she can't read a book to her 2 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. I mean what are two year olds reading? The Little Engine that Could and shit? Come on. How embarassing. Not only that, but after announcing that she cannot read, she plugs her memoirs. You read thar correctly, her memoirs. First off, she's 20, what living has she done? Second off, we know her life story, she can't read, she had a kid at 16, she's never had a job in her life and she won American Idol. See, end of story, and she needs a whole memoir for what I recapped in not quite one sentence? Give me a break.


Leading to the most shocking thing of the day. Gambling addict and all around asshole Bill Bennett made the most heinous comment on his little listened to show yesterday morning. While speaking to a caller of his who suggested if all of the children who had been aborted since Roe vs. Wade had not been aborted, our Social Security system would not be in jeopardy (his stupid comments did not go unnoticed by me, we could for instance stop sending 40 billion dollar rockets into space to do Goddess know what and put that money towards Social Security or crack down on governmental corruption or tax the rich and corporations at the same rate working people are taxed, or spend the money we spent on that stupid war on Social Security but that would be silly now wouldn't it?) he responded: "You could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down". Then, crack head Rush Limbaugh had the nerve to accuse Media Matters for America (a very decent news source) of taking Bennett's comment out of context. The only context those statements need to be taken in is that that dude is a idiotic racist idiot (I know I used the same description). Later, Bennett tried to blame his blatantly racist comments on a discussion he had with Steven Levitt who wrote Freakonomics a while back. But, going back to that discussion (the transcript can be found on Slate.com) he was found to be a bold faced liar. Stupid idiot.





It's funny how most crimes and wrong doings are always blamed on people of color and poor people when the real criminals are those in our government who are basically stealing from us everyday and corporations who fuck their workers over by stealing their pensions, not giving their workers insurance or a living wage, and stealing $600 million worth of company funds. Yet, our biggest interest is the guy who is tealing from the local Dunkin' Donuts. It's just funny sometimes.

What's Up With Me?

Did some blatantly immature bullshit today. The funny (or not so funny) thing is, I knew what I was doing was stupid, not cool, not necesarry (sp?) and just plain dumb but you know what? I did it anyway. I would say what I did, but I'm scared someone I know will come across this and realize that I was the one who did the dumb shit so, I'll just not mention any specifics. The thing is, before, during, and after I did said dumb shit, I was telling my self, "Self, this is stupid. What's up with you? Why do you do such things?" But then I said, "Fuck it, I'm gonna do it anyway, and I did."

I'm such a television fanatic lately, I've REALLY been watching Lost and it is so FUCKING GOOD! I actually get angry (for a short time) when it goes off, it's like I HAVE to watch it, it's sick. So, in addition to that show, I've been watching My Name is Earl which is very funny, Everybody Hates Chris which is good, Survivor, which I've been taping as to be able to wath Chris and last night, I was trying to watch three different shows at once, its sick but, I really did try. I'm nutty.

Work has been cool I guess. Not much has been going on and truthfully, it gets a bit boring but, I get paid again this weekend so that should make things better.

Because of Humanity Critic I watched the VH1 Hip Hop Tribute show, which could have been much, much, much better. First off, I thought it would be more old school, they had Salt 'n Pepa, who looked pretty hot still, LL Cool J, Big Daddy Kane (who was off the fucking hook) and then, they do a tribute to Notorious BIG, Biggie Smalls, whatever you wnat to call him. WTF, since when was Biggie an old school artist? That nigga was rhyming when I was in college and that shit was not that long ago. That kind of pissed me off because it was like cool, LL, Salt 'n Pepa, Kane who were all rockin' at least from the mid 80's and then Biggie?! It just didn't sit well with me. Then, why the hell was Kanye West rapping at the tribute show? What has this big toothed bastard done that is remotely deserving of being honored? I mean give me a fuckin' break, how could you honor a legend like LL who has been on the scene for three decades, crossed over into television and movies and doing fucking commercials for women's products and then put up some sophomore album 2 hit pussy like Kanye, that shit was insulting. The biggest highlight of the day was definitely BDK who after all these years, fucking flipped on the stage like no one's business. I was at The Heavenly One's house watching it and got up screaming "warm it up Kane, warm it up Kane, ooooohhhh, go, go, go" like an idiot until my momma came in and yelled some sense into my dumb ass. That shit was tight though.

Well, I guess I should try to get some sleep. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.

No Work Tomorrow

I am at my cousin's T house tonight. Not going to work tomorrow. Didn't do much today at all. Came over here, took Sam for a walk in the park where he proceeded to bark at every single, dog, cat, squirrel, man, woman and child he saw. Ate an ENTIRE pint of ice cream, that was pretty gross of me but damn it was good. Walked about two miles, lifted weights, did about 20 minutes of yoga and did a few sit ups. Porbably will do more work tomorrow as I am watching a special on a woman who weighs about 700 pounds and it has scared me shitless. If I was one of those throwing up chicks, I would have done it when this first came on. Spoke to the futre father of my child. He's really funny, such a sweet guy. I guess that's it. Not much going on.

Good thoughts from a cool woman

I was reading this blog and saw her 10 rules for a pretty woman. It reminded me of something I wrote a few years ago:

10 Things Every Free Woman Should Know

1. What freedom TRULY means

2. How to earn a PROPER living, manage her money and financial life

3. How to manage a home, raising and cooking food properly, raising and feeding children properly (this includes prenatal and child bearing) caring for herself and her home regardless of whether she has a partner or not

4. How to defend herself, her home and her children

5. How to spiritually care for herself, how to find happiness from within without external validation

6. Sexual and physical health, what parts comprise her body, their functions, what is normal and abnormal in their basic functions and how to bring her self to sexual release

7. That she is okay with herself

8. That as a FREE woman, she has options and is the only one who can decide what she is to do with her life, and her body

9. The history of the Goddess, Goddess Worship, the Black Woman, Matriarchal societies and how it relates to her as a Free Woman

10. Herself

It's funny how I don't think I've followed all of those rules. Even though I know I should.


Also, I stole this from her:

Knowing your A - B - C's

A-Accent: I guess a Brooklyn accent within NYC, a New York accent every where else you know, chawcklit instead of chocolate, dawg instead of dog, cawfee for coffee, etc.

B-Breast Size: DD

C- Chore you hate: hate em all

D-Dad's name: Warren

E-Essential make-up: Fashion Fair Souffle - Brown Blaze Glo

F- Favorite Perfume/Cologne: Cross between Issey Miake and Lolita Lempicka

G- Gold or Silver: Silver

H-Hometown: Brooklyn, NY

I-Insomnia: Not at all

J-Job title: Teacher/Dean

K-Kids: Working on it

L-Living arrangements: By my damn self, well actually the cat and dog, if they count

M-Mom's Birthplace: NY, NY

N-Number of sexual partners you've had: really? um, I don't want to incriminate myslef, let's just say over 1

O-Overnight Hospital Stays: 3

P-Phobia: Aliens, scary

Q-Favorite Quote: real or for play? I guess: "ecstasy is uncut forest and the smell of fresh baked bread" from the temple of my familiar by alice walker or "He distrusted her affection; and what loneliness is more lonely than distrust?" from middlemarch by george elliot

R-Religious affiliation: Christian - Lutheran

S-Siblings: 2 brothers, 2 sisters, all older

T-Two You are Tagging: I guess Tevonda and Anna

U-Unnatural hair colours you've worn: Blonde, chestnut, jet black, copper honey blonde, red, auburn and a sort of orangey red

V-Vegetable you refuse to eat: black eyed peas, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww

W-Worst Habit: mmmmmmm, I guess picking when I cut myself and procrastination

X-X-rays you've had: chest for bronchitis, ankle when I broke it, toe when I broke it, ear when I was a kid, and uterus, though that was more of a sonogram

Y-Yummy foods you make: where do I start man, I'm a mean cook. I guess my favorite things to cook are Indian style chicken with coconut rice and curried cabbage. My favorite thing to bake would be chocolate chunk walnut butter cookies or my peanut butter, oatmeal honey cookies. I get lots of compliments on my cheesecake and mocha cake.
Z-Zodiac Sign: Sagitarrius the archer

Crazy People on My Street

There is this guy who lives on my block, he is the husband of a girl I used to play with as a child. Now I will not say he is crazy in the conventional sense of the word, but there is definitely something NOT right about this dude. He is married, he has a daughter and his wife is not nutty, he is actually quite nice, he has on occassion helped me or The Heavenly One with our groceries but, for some strange reason, while he is walking up the street, he will just yell "BROOKLYN!" or "PUERTO RICO!" at the top of his lungs. He plays with the children on the street and they all seem to think he is great. I don't know if he is doing this to impress them or because they think it is funny but, it's just crazy. Like, I'm sitting in my living room now, reading email and I will just hear "BROOKLYN!" like, what possesses this guy to do this? Am I the only person who thinks he needs to shut up? It's kind of annoying.

Samson's explosive flatulence is back. Jesus God this dog can let it rip. I actually forgot about it for a while because he wasn't doing it but, I realized the culprit must be his Thanksgiving Day Dinner. I haven't bought it for a while even though he likes it because I haven't seen it. When I ordered his food last week, it was in stock again so I bought two cases thinking it would last him a while in case they run out of some again anytime soon and right away, he is farting up a horrible storm. I mean he only weighs like 4 pounds, how does he do this? I banned him from the living room but he cried so badly, I guess because he hasn't seen me all day so I just had to let him in but open the window. It's horrendous.

Nothing Political, just ordinary bitching

I am the laziest person ever. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. My job isn't even hard. Just the act of getting up, getting dressed and treking my fat ass all the way up town is not my idea of fun. I did however get paid the other day and it WAS SWEET!! I got a raise, (since my years as a teacher has increased and I have a bit of a higher position) so my paycheck was quite nice. Though, I think I should get a paycheck everyday, just to keep me motivated.

Spoke to the future father of my child who is the sweetest guy. I had to think, why didn't we ever hook up? But then I remembered, he really isn't my type physically and we just never viewed one another that way I guess. Thought about calling Mysterious Ex, this is around the time he and I would get back together when we are going through our break ups, 6 - 8 weeks is usually around the time he gets weak and gives me a call. I had to seriously think. I miss him, I will not say I do not, I would be lying but, I actually had to go through all of the stuff that I disliked about him. It's funny how you forget all of the bad stuff someone does. I had to tell myself if he happens to call, I will not answer the phone, it is time to really let this go.

So, I am sitting here doing nothing. Some neighbors of mine are having a party, on a Sunday night and though they do sound like they're having fun, it's like 1 in the morning and they are having just a bit too much fun. I mean, people have to go to work, don't they? I called THO since they are closer to her house to ask if she heard all of the noise and her answer was "Is that what I've been hearing?, I thought my boiler was acting up, I was about to call you." (I guess the bass in the big speakers made her think that) but, what is up with my mom? She's bugging out over there.

My cousin T had an operation on her foot so she and I have been on the phone all weekend. I LOVE T.

My tenants haven't paid their rent this month, they normally are pretty cool so, I haven't said anything. I was thinking maybe they thought they paid it already but truthfully, I don't see how they could think that. THO says to give them until the end of the month but I'm no greedy land lord, what do I do? Send them a note, knock on their door? I'm not sure.

My next door neighbor finished the renovation of his house and it is fucking unbelievable. He and I have the same house style. He restored it to it's original state. I didn't know our houses were so great. I guess with the 70's, people painted to make the houses look more modern and so, all of my surfaces are painted, all the woodwork, fireplaces, etc. Had I known all of that stuff was under all of this, I would have gotten some paint off in the time I have been home. Apparently, all of my fireplaces (I have 6 of them) are marble and brass, while mine are nice, they are painted and not marble and brass, well, the marble and brass are under all of the paint. Also, I have these huge french doors between my master bedroom and what was traditionally the parlor but what is my casual living room and office, mine are painted cream, (my casual living room is red and cream) but there is beautiful stained glass under that paint, I never knew. Also, in my kitchen, there is this HUGE fireplace which was traditionally used as the stove, my stove is actually IN the fireplace (It's that big) but my dad had it painted so when I moved here, I just painted it again, my kitchen is this cute sunflower color with pumpkin trim, anyway, that ENTIRE thing is this BEAUTIFUL red brick and the shelf over that is marble. There is this small alcove in my formal living room (which I NEVER use) and that is all marble. Not to mention ALL of the doorways have this beautiful scroll work and the banisters too but truth be told, I've never paid them much attention while I was painting, or sponge painting or doing my decoupage now, I'm rethinking how I want my house to look. Truthfully, I always thought I would sell this place and move to the suburbs but now that I know it can look so cute, and since that house near me sold for $10 million, I think I might stay.

Home Sweet Home

My neighbor's house is paid for as is mine so about a year or so ago, he kicked out his tenants and just renovated. I'm thinking I might do the same. Downstairs is my formal living room, formal dining room, guest bedroom, HUGE unused bathroom, kitchen, HUGE hallway, pantry, and storage room. If I knock down the walls downstairs, I can make my kitchen, guest bedroom and formal living room into one of those great rooms. I would keep the other rooms and I would make my downstairs bathroom smaller because truthfully, that fucker is HUGE, it's like a master bathroom and all I ever do is piss in there. There's a tub, shower, sink, toilet, bidet (don't ask me why there's a bidet and NO, I don't use it) and built in shelves, too much stuff. I could easily make the two remaining bedrooms upstairs into one huge bedroom and make my tenants apartment a guest room, extra bedroom, studio and some other shit because they have like 8 humongous rooms. This is something I'm going to seriously consider. One of my cousins is a contrator so I'll speak to him.

Sam and I are going to do some serious hanging out next week. I've been staying home in an attempt to save money and while I will not be a complete louse when it comes to spending money, I am going to have a bit of fun. Well, I guess I should convince myself to go to bed, I do have to go to work in the morning.

Yo, this is the dumbest thing I have seen all day

Now we know why the "terrorists" knocked down the Twin Towers and why Hurrican Katrina left thousands of people homeless. It was all Ellen Degeneres' fault.






According to Pat Robertson, whom FEMA listed as the second organization to give money to only after The Red Cross and who spends half of his charitable money to fund his own media empire, Ellen is this reason why all of these horrible things keep happening to poor Americans.


“By choosing an avowed lesbian for this national event, these Hollywood elites have clearly invited God’s wrath,” Robertson said on “The 700 Club” on Sunday. “Is it any surprise that the Almighty chose to strike at Miss Degeneres’ hometown?”

Not the fact that the first President Bush and his cronies years ago fucked over Afghanistan and in particular Bin Laden, not the fact that America has for years fucked over any country it feels it wants to and has therefore spread a hatred for it's citizens world wide, not for the fact that Katrina was a FUCKING HURRICANE, a WAVE that started off of the coast of Africa about a month ago, no, it's all Ellen's fault. Jesus God what a fucking idiot!

“This is the second time in a row that God has invoked a disaster shortly before lesbian Ellen Degeneres hosted the Emmy Awards,” Robertson explained to his approximately one million viewers. “America is waiting for her to apologize for the death and destruction that her sexual deviance has brought onto this great nation.”




Guilty of death and destruction? You decide.

at Work

So, I'm sitting here "working" and I am playing around on line. My friend K sends me this email about the whole Katrina thing from "the black perspective" which if anyone who knows me personally knows that this whole situation has pissed me off. Not to say that this one incident has pissed me off, I have always been generally pissed off with the way Black folks have been portrayed/seen/treated/allowed to live in this country.

After 9 - 11, many of us (me NOT included) fell into this "we're all Americans bullshit". I for one have always known I was a Nigger, I am, and will always be a nigger. No amount of degrees I have earned and standard American English flowing out of my mouth would ever change that. I know who I am and what this country perceives me to be. I have experienced too much adversity in my short life to make myself believe otherwise.

Will this be a wake up call? I doubt it. If children being bitten by dogs, arrested, shocked with tazer (sp?) guns and drowned with water hoses 40 years ago was not a wake up call, a few poor homeless niggers aren't going to change shit. So, my friend Keyah, who is an optimist and also I think a closeted Republican tells me, "you think too negatively of what's going on, we've made such great strides, the government has been shamed into improving situations, you'll see". Keyah, I love you, you are great but that's not going to happen. Why wasn't the government shamed when it was selling your great grand mother and my grand father to the highest bidder? Why wasn't it shamed when it passed a law declaring you 2/3 of a human being? Why wasn't it shamed when local law makers and mobs of men hung black men from trees and cut off their sexual organs as a way to pass time after a Saturday night beer (my great grandfather being one of them)? Why wasn't it shamed when it allowed ADULTS to throw rocks at a SEVEN YEAR OLD girl as she tried to go to school? Why wasn't it shamed when it ordered it's officers to tazer my friends mom and my father (who had a scar on him arm from the tazer) as they marcehd for basic rights? Why wasn't it shamed when it didn't allow you the right to vote until 1965 and in some cases 1970? Why wasn't it shamed when that man down in Texas was dragged behind a pick up truck leaving his body trailed along the highway and then Governer BUSH didn't even meet with the man's family (they sat in his office for about 2 hours before they were told he wouldn't be coming out). Why wasn't it shamed two weeks ago when "fat Tony" in Bensonhurst beat that guy who was coming from his girlfriend's house nearly half to death ("Fat Tony" claimed he thought the guy was out to steal someone's car, I guess his 9-1-1 buttons weren't working on his phone that night)? Where was their shame then? Then, to make matters even worse, or better depending on what side of the argument you're arguing I read this:

GOP Congressman, Rep.Richard Baker of Baton Rouge was overheard telling lobbysits the following, concerning Hurricane Katrina and the damage it caused:

"We finally cleaned up public housing in New Orleans. We couldn't do it, but God did."


What the fuck?! This is the shit I am talking about. If you go to this man's
website, the biggest thing up there is For the PEOPLE of Louisiana. Are those who live in public housing not people? I personally know people who live in public housing and no one lives there because they want to. People live there because they HAVE to.

Now, I am by no means saying that every single Black person one comes across is going to be on the straight and narrow, as people are individuals and should be treated as such. But it is just inherent bullshit like this that keeps things the way they are. This week we've PUBLICALLY heard Barbara Bush and this Baker guy say what they feel but millions of people think and feel this way, they just don't have sound bytes of their racism readily available on Fox News. It makes me angry because this is the kind of thing that keeps people from getting ahead. This is why the schools in our neighborhoods are deplorable because we are "you know underprivileged anyway so this is working out fine for them"* this is why when I apply for a job with not one, not two but four degrees and more experience at 27 then most people will have at 40, I get passed over. Because "actually it's kind of scary but everyone I'm speaking to says they want to stay in Texas"* I guess having a big black woman in the office would scare people.

*Both quotes from Barbara Bush.

What the fuck is scary about a family relocating? People do it all of the time but because an influx of Nigs want to move to your neighborhood it's scary?! I'm too angry to finish now.

It's the middle of the night, I have to go to work in the morning

and this is what I'm doing:

The Egg Game It's SOOOO addictive.

Am I 15 Again?

So, I was once again speaking to the father of my future child and he goes, "Hey, MY NAME, why don't we get together this week, I haven't seen you in a while". "Huh, I'm busy this week" was my response. I'm scared I've gained a lot of weight since I've last seen him and I'm almost certain he'll be all Ewwwwwwwwwww! when he sees me. Why do I think this. I'm a fat girl, always have been, more than likely always will be. I think highly of myself most of the time but, never being this big before, I must admit I often feel not bad about myself, but just weird. I've gained I don't know how much weight, but I know that my thighs, legs and waist are all about 4 or 5 inches bigger then they were. How much weight that equals, I am not sure but, it bothers me at times, I won't sit here and say that it doesn't. The last time I saw him, I know I was thinner and more in shape, I have those two stapled together pictures to prove that to me. I have this weird notion in my head that if I fast and work out like crazy for the next week or so I will be able to lose all the weight I've gained in like the last year and a half. I don't want to feel down on myself, but, I don't know, I think I'm sad.

Made it home in less than two hours

So, I'm home. The day was pretty decent. I LOVE my new assignment. I teach two classes, then I have prep, I teach another class, then I have lunch, then I have TWO periods of assistant deaning where I sit in my office, waiting for teachers to bring me their bad kids. Today, two kids came in. One didn't want to open his notebook. The other was talking back to the teacher. I asked the principal, "Shouldn't I walk around to show my presence in the school?" She tells me, what if someone needs you? Stay in your office MY NAME. Bet. So I sat there. I fiddeled with my computer, did some lesson plans, I LOVE this job. I tried to add the links to my blog but, it turned out to be some weirdly shaped mess so I changed it. Well, going to go take Sam for a walk, bother The Heavenly One and then come home for a nap.

Some People Really Are This Stupid

I probably should be working, but I guess that's one of the advantages of having your own office, and a laptop, and a working phone line. Part of my new job description, starting today, is to be an assistant dean, I have been stripped of my 5 classes a day and left with just three, for two periods, I sit in this/my office and wait for teachers to bring bad ass kids here so that I can give them a talkin' to. I guess working all of those years in the "big bad ghetto" got me somewhere after all, (it may have something to do with me getting my Masters in Educational Leadership but, since that isn't finished, I prefer to believe it has to do with me working in Bushwick). Anyway, I much prefer not having to teach five classes everyday and these children are NO WHERE next to bad. I've taught BAD and CRAZY kids, these children are just teenagers, working their way through some hormonal shit and trying to prove how "down" they are in front of the other teenagers. Since I am only one of FOUR black teachers in a school that is all black and latino, I have been given this duty. Miraculously, the other three black teachers have also been given some kind of "with the kids" assignment. Two of them have been appointed "rap" counselors, to talk to the kids twice a week during a group session (their schedule has also been cut to do this). And the other black teacher, the only male, has been assigned lunch/recess duty, it is supposed to be against our contract but he doesn't seem to know that, I think he's new. I'm debating whether I will saddle up to him and tell him about it later.

So anyway, was talking to a fellow educator, not one of the four. I'll call her Pippi Longstocking becase she is walking around with these fucked up pigtails even though she has to be like 35. Now, I am not against pig tail wearing, I rock them OUTSIDE OF WORK. I wear them to the store, to THO's house, while I'm cleaning up and while I'm pretending to exercise. I might even wear them to work if we were having a sports day or some type of fun event, but not on a Monday, the first day of "real" classes, with a bunch of teenagers who are just looking for some excuse to cut you down. Come on. So anyway, Pippi Longstocking and I have this "conversation"

PLS: My goodness, did you hear about what happened down in New Orleans?

Me: (Thinking somethning worse had happened between watching the news this morning and getting to work, and bracing myself for it) Oh my God, what happened?

PLS: You know, hurricane Katrina

Me: Uh, yeah, I heard. (What am I, an idiot? Who HASN'T heard about this you moron?)

PLS: All those people, it really sucks

Me: (Not wanting to be bothered, she is now in my mind an idiot and I don't want to waste time, effort, thought or breath on her) Yeah.

PLS: My friends and I usually go to Mardi Gras like every other year or so. We're definitely going in February, it's probably going to be so crowded, everyone's going to want to see what happened, like at Ground Zero (where the Twin Towers where in NYC)

Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Like half the city is gone dude. In NYC, it was just that one spot that got hit. This is like more than half of the city. Mardi Gras is the least of these people's concerns. There are like 4,000 bums left in the city anyway, who are you going to Mardi Gras (using it as a verb) with?

Some Random Teacher butts in: Yeah, what are talking about Pippi?

PLS: You think it's that bad? (this question sounded pretty genuine)

Me:

Some Random Teacher: Are you serious?

PLS: I'm sure they'll have it fixed by then, that's like 4 months away.

Me:

Some Random Teacher: Actually it's like 5 but did you see the news? It's like totally devastated down there.

PLS: But, the French Quarter seemed okay.

Me:

Some Random Teacher: Like 60% of the city is under water.

Me: Well, I've got a class, gotta go.


I'm sure Pippi has a Masters degree. I mean, she's teaching high school literacy. What the Fuck is wrong with her? And, she's teaching someone's child? This is some bullshit. I swear, when I have my son/daughter, I don't want to be nasty but, I'm going to be up in the teacher's ass. I wouldn't want someone doing that to me, but then again, I'm not an idiot man.


I think I'm going to like this job. Other than the traveling, which is awful, it's pretty easy and I get an office I can fuck around in for like three pweriods a day (2 periods of assistant dean duties, plus my prep) this just might kick ass.

I Don't Want to Go To Work

Spoke to the father of my future child which I will call JW (just because I'm really not in the mood to come up with a more creative name). So, JW is very sweet, nice and kind but, today after we spoke, he calls me and tells me to check my email because he has sent me something. When I open the mail, it is a few pictures of him, naked, smiling and posing for the camera. While I must admit that I was impressed by what I saw, I am not really attracted to him. He's very light (for a black guy) and it's just strange for me (sorry if I'm sounding racist). All the guys that I have slept with and seriously dated have been very dark skin though strangely, the two girls that I've slept with have been very, very light. I don't know if he was expecting me to get back to him like oh, you're so hot or whatever, I just didn't respond at all. Also, he's a cit on the thin side, he's lost some weight since I've seen him last. Again, I don't want to complain, but I'm used to screwwing fatter people, male or female. I know this sounds ignorant but, I just don't want my baby to be some skinny bright kid. All of my life I've envision these big, fat, BLACK babies. I always thougt I would marry some fat dark guy and have these big, juicy, black babies and it just seems weird to me to face the possibility of that not being so. I guess that entire thing is stupid anyway because here I am being a teacher for a lot longer then I ever thought I would be, who ever thought I'd be back in Brooklyn right in this house again? Not me. Who thought I wouldn't be married at all when I decided to become a mom? (again not me) and who would have ever thought that I would try to become a principal? The funny thing is, I was just reminded of this, when I first began teaching when I was 20, the guy who fingerprinted me was this old black guy and he tells me, oh, you'll be a principal in a couple of years and I told him, not me, I won't be doing this for too long which such an aire of "you stupid old man you" in my voice and here I am, doing exactly what I said I wouldn't, that's funny. So, I guess I better get over what I thought I would do and what I am doing really quick because other wise, I'm just being an asshole.

Spoke to MD (really nice church guy) today. He's sweet but he calls me every week and invites me to church. Does he like me? Does he think I'm a heathen? Who knows.

Why do I insist on staying up late at night when I know I have so much to do in the morning? I don't know, just one of my weird and strange quirks. I figured with all of the up and down the stairs and hills I'll have to do this week, I'm burning about 2,000 calories a day just going to, being at, and coming home from work. If I skip breakfast (which no one should do really) eat just a salad for dinner and have a "sensible dinner", barring all baked goods (I did make my cookies this weekend and shit are they good) I should theoretically loose like 3 pounds a weeks which would kick ass if I can stick to the salad for lunch and sensible dinner thing. At this point, I would just like to get back to my regular size, which is about three sizes smaller than I am lugging around right now, be a nit healthier since I do a lot of sitting around and doing nothing and be a little smaller before I get pregnant. I want a real pregnancy belly, not a jelly belly, (which I could easily be on my way to) so, I am especially going to try to do sit ups and the like to get my once flat tummy back to some semblance of itself. Well, guess I'll go to bed now.

What a Day

Of course I am tired but like a little kid, I have to sit up until I fall asleep. Unlike a little kid, I have to teach five classes of 13 - 16 year olds tomorrow. So, this morning, I got up early, walked to the train station, climbed 4 landings of stairs to catch train. Went down two flights of stairs to catch second train, walked two blocks to catch bus, walked up hill to get to school then walked up six flights to actually get to my classroom. What the Fuck? The good news is, at this rate, I should be able to lose all the weight I want to in about 3 weeks, the bad news is, got up early, walked to train station, climbed 4 landings of stairs to catch train. Went down two flights of stairs to catch second train, walked two blocks to catch bus, walked up hill to get to school then walked up six flights to actually get to my classroom. Then had to do it all in reverse to get home.

I have to find a school closer to my house, this is ridiculous. Starting tomorrow, during lunch, I am going to call every school in a ten block radius of home because there is no way on Goddess' green earth I am going to do this every day for the rest of the year. I'd have to be on some kind of crack for that.

Spoke to the father of my future child and spoke about custody, how we will do visitation, etc. The thing is this, he tells me if I feel more comfortable with him not having anything to do with the child he will respect that. I must admit that I was very tempted but, I felt guilty in denying my baby a chance to know his/her dad, especially since he is a pretty decent guy. I did however have weird fantasies (during my LOOOOONG train ride) about him absconding with my beautiful baby to some far off land or even some tiny American town where he/she would never be heard from again. I don't want to be one of those lying mothers who tells their child "your dad died" and I don't want to deny my child a relationship with his/her father but, I'm afraid of the ramifications of what I am planning to do. Ideally, I would love to be married and having a child with my husband, but that is not a reality for me. I hope that I am making the right decision. I already feel that having a child is correct, I am very excited but, what door of legal woes am I opening by doing this? I guess I'll see.

Dammit, School Again, Uggggh

So, it's the day before school starts. I am supposed to be up at like 5 in the morning. So, am I getting much needed sleep? No, I'm up listening to Bjork and playing with Sam. Do I want to go to work? No. Do I need to go to work? Hell yes. Like a child, I refuse to go to bed at a decent time, but unlike a child, I have no mommy to put me to bed or wake me up in the morning. Well, I have a mommy, but she won't be putting me to bed or waking me up anytime soon.

So, today, I was looking at pictures me and my cousin T took at that wedding I went to earlier this summer, the one with the horrible cousins in the 100 degree heat. So, I look SO FAT in those pictures! WTF?! I mentioned this to The Heavenly One who diplomatically answers "MY NAME, you are a little heavier but it's nothing too bad". Gee, thanks Mom. Now I feel better. I then went scouring for pictures of me from last year and I found one where I was looking quite fetching and svelte. So, I took these two pictures and bent them in a way so that there are no other people to be seen. I stapled them together so that I could have a side by side comparison of me and Jesus, not only do I LOOK fat, my ass is FAT! I mean, I know that I know that I have gotten fatter. I've talked about it, blogged about it. I see it in all of the clothes that don't fit anymore. I did some fasting earlier and lost some weight, then when I got dressed for the last wedding I went to, I thought I lost some weight since the dress I wore seemed a little bigger, but last week, I put on this dress I haven't worn since last year and God, I looked awful. So now, for motivation/torture, I have hung this side by side picture of myself up over my desk, near my bedroom mirror, and I had the strange urge to put it near my fridge though I didn't. I'm, really pissed off too because I planned on baking a big batch of Gwen's chocolate chip cookies (with walnuts) mmmmmm, and a big batch of my everything cookies. Now, looking at my fat ass all over the place, I truly don't want to do it. I mean I love my body and all that jazz but God am I fat.

Look at this dumb bitch

I haven't posted anything about Katrina because truthfully, I didn't know what to say and I was very angry about the way things have been handled by our government and baout the way people who look just like me have been treated and portrayed in the media. But today, I was reading the paper (as I do everyday) and I was shocked and appaled by the statements of Barbara Bush, the president's mother and the former first lady. After visiting the SuperDome in Houston Texas where literally THOUSANDS of homeless hurricane victims are now living, she says and I QUOTE:

"And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working out very well for them,"


WHAT THE FUCK LADY! I mean Jesus, I don't care how poor you are or how little you have. Your home is your home, I don't care if it's a mansion, a studio apartment or a fucking trailer up on cinder blocks, it's yours. Does she think sleeping in a fucking sports arena with THOUSANDS of people is "working out very well for them"?! Can someone hit this woman with an intelligence stick? It is idiodicy like this that makes me angry. You better believe if she had the misfortune of losing anything of hers she wouldn'e feel this chipper about the situation. An ENTIRE CITY is gone! and all she can say is things are working out fine, on what planet could this possibly be true and what kind of crack is she on exactly?

She then goies on to say, AND I QUOTE:

"What I'm hearing is they all want to stay in Texas," she continued. "Everyone is so overwhelmed with the hospitality."

Who the fuck wants to leave their home like that? If all was well in Orleans, does she honestly think that ten thousand people would just get up and move to Texas? Give me a break chick. I don't care how hospitable someone is when I visit, ultimately, I want to go home and I'm sure these people would love to be back home too.

Then she says: MORE QUOTING:

Later, on "Larry King Live," she defended her son and disputed critics who say the delays in getting relief to New Orleans proved the President doesn't care about poor black people. "Now that one hurt because I know this President, and I know he does care," she said.

I'm not even going to touch that one, I'm truly too pissed off. Anyhow, very few mothers find fault with their "sweet baby boys" especially not in front of the entire country.

Where did my links go?

I guess in the excitement of changing my blog, I forgot to copy and paste my links, darn, guess I'll have to do them again.

And we're off!

I made the decision yesterday to have my baby the good old fashioned way. After I looked at those sperm banks for a few minutes I really thought, I can do this, I SHOULD do this. I thought and thougnt and came up with this guy who is sort of a psuedo friend, he's nice, we know one another but I wouldn't really call him a friend friend. I emailed him and asked what he thought and right away he was like "SURE"! He tells me, we could have a relationship, I've always thought you were a really cool girl and you're beautiful. I answered: Awwwwww!, that was sweet but, I just want a baby right now, I have just a few years to conceive and I don't want to get into something that may not work. I asked him to collect as much medical history for me as he could and asked him for baby and childhood pictures and he sent them in like a half hour. Needless to say, I was quite impressed. So, we spoke about STD testing (we are both negative for everything) he told me his blood type (for the Rh factor thing) and he tells me, I'm ready when you are. Cool. I've decided to start in about a month or two since I want to lose about 15 pounds BEFORE I try to get pregnant, plus, I want to tell my doctor and get prenatal vitamins and all that jazz. Hopefully (fingers crossed, knock on wood, praying to the Gods) this will work. I'm very excited but, I'm a big nut too, so I'm very, very scared. So, (Goddess PLEASE don't let him come across this blog) here's a picture of the two of us as babies. I think my baby will come out a little on the bright side, (at least for a black kid) but I think he/she will be cute, no?:






So here's hoping everything goes well and to a quickly conceived, healthy fat baby.

I'm tired of being by myself. I meet men all of the time, but either they just aren't what I am looking for, or if they are okay, nothing really seems to happen between us. I don't want to be one of those desperate looking for a man type women and I can be on my own but truthfully, I feel like I have been alone for so long. Before Mysterious Ex and I got togrther, I took a two year break from dating because I had gotten out of a REALLY bad relationship. That in itself isn't entirely true. I kind of dated this girl who turned out to be a real nut and besides, I'm not really into women on the permanent side so I guess I really did take a break. For the year and a half M.E. and I were together, we were constantly breaking up and going through bullshit and half the time that we were together as a couple, I was alone. I really feel as though I wasted a lot of time with M.E. The sad thing is, I felt that I should have broken up with him a long time ago but there was this side of me that felt that if I didn't try to see what was between us, I would never had known if he and I could have made it or not. I am always a softee when it comes to love. I am always trying to make something work when I know all too well that I shouldn't. When it comes to a good relationship, what is most important? I have given up on decent men because I thought they were dumb or not knowledgeable enough or because they had a crappy low paying job. I've always had this idea of what a good man is supposed to be, and though I have found men to seem to fit into that category, they always seem to be fucked up in their own right. The majority of my friends seem to be in relationships. I'm not bummed because I feel like I should be in one too, it's more like what's wrong with me that I can't seem to make it work. I just keep seeming to be choosing the wrong kind of man. I feel that must be a huge reflection on me as an individual and even after a lot of soul searching and asking around of different people, I can't seem to figure out what the problem is. I think I just try to hard. I am very determined and while that may be cool in some aspects of life, like getting double degrees and going after principal certifications, it seems to not fare so well in other aspects of life, like knowing when to let go of a fucked up relationship. I just always want everything to work out and I seem to give my all even if it shourt changes me. I have to stop that, I honestly do. I'm just feeling really bummed out now, I guess I needed to get that out.

I received a letter today saying that my application for adoption has been closed because I asked to be moved to another agency. Mind you none of this is true. I cannot call until Thursday because Monday is a holiday. Originally I thought it was cute that my social worker is 84 and has been working for 64 years, now I just think that chick is out of her mind. I am so angry because I've never told her such a thing. I just spoke to her a few days ago and she was reassuring me that everything would be fine. She even told me she remembers me more than her other clients because her grand daughter and I have that same name. On top of all of that, I am the only one of her clients who has requested a Black baby boy, everyone wants a Black or Caucasian or Asian GIRL! What is wrong with this woman? It is so aggravating. I was having a day where I was shopping for baby items, researching to see which things would be best, and I actually started moving things around in my studio (which I will be making into the nursery) so that I can box my art supplies up (I'm going to make my basement into my studio) and I get this letter. It bummed me out for a minute because I took it as a sign that maybe I shouldn't be a mom yet then something said Fuck that! This is what I want and I am going to do what needs to be done.

For a bit of time today, I was thinking that I should just get pregnant and have a naturally. Then it occurs to me, who would get me pregnant? I have guy friends but they are acquaintences (sp?) no one I would want to sleep with. I was thinking of calling an ex or two of mine but, I am not one for unprotected sex, especially with someone I am not in a committed relationship with. With all of the diseases in the world, I don't want to catch something simply because I want a baby. I thought of my "friend" C, that older rich guy but, ewwww, I can't see myself having sex with him. I even thought of going to a sperm bank. I researched it for about twenty minutes, but quickly stopped. The only person I know would not give me a disease and who I would want to have a child with is my friend K in Chicago but he says:
#1 He would prefer to have a child with his wife when he gets one
#2 He would at the very least want to have a child with someone who lived in Chicago
#3 Why don't I just wait a bit? He and I made a pact to marry one another if I am not married by the time I am 36 (9 years from now), so if all else fails, we can have our baby then.

Needles to say, I was not amused. I've even thought about getting back together with Myserious Ex so that I can try to get pregnant an then breaking up with him again. But, on the occasions that we haven't used a condom, M.E. is very sperm conscious and quite stingy with his bodily fluids. Alas, I seem to be back at adoption.

Uggh, School starts next week

School starts next week and I still haven't found a school in my neighborhood. WTF? There are openenings, I'm a kick ass teacher, what's the problem. Since I am going for my principas's license, I think this has something to do with it. Schools are looking up my file and seeing that I have applied for the certification and I guess they are thinking I won't be able to teach for the next 45 years as some teachers seem to like to do. I'm saying, there isn't anything wrong with it if that is what one plans to do, but, I just can't see myself doing the same thing for like 40 years, that's almost ungodly. So, I guess I'll be tracking my fat ass up to the Bronx (uggggh!) every morning, at least until I find something closer. The good thing is with all of that traveling up and down the stairs EVERYDAY, I should be back to my old size in no time. The bad thing is, GOING TO THE BRONX EVERYDAY! What the hell was I thinking when I took this job?! I must be on crack.

Took three clep test last week for subjects that I have never taken and never studied for and passed them, then took a test this week, in biology and feeling all full of my self, failed :( by 7 points. That sucked. So, I guess I'll take it again. Really only taking these tests so that I can get paid a little more. The city has this thing if a teacher has her Masters plus 30 or her Masters plus 60 credits, she gets a pay increase. SInce I have a baby coming, I decided I need to make as much money as possible so, I am aiming for my the pluse 60 credits thing so that I can make 4,000 extra dollars a year. When one thinks about it, it doesn't really seem like much, but, it's 4,000 more than I would ordinarily get.

Came across the most interesting information. Apparently, mothers that can adopt children can lactate and breastfeed the child. I had no idea this was possible, I was under the impresssion that a woman had to be pregnant in order to naturally feed her child. I think that this is something I am going to do with my child. I came across all of these great sites about adoptive breastfeeding and that feels like something I am going to do. I always thought I would breast feed my children so this is a great discovery for me. I will begin the process of inducing lactation in about a month or so, once I get used to being at work again (in the fucking BRONX of all places) and once things get into a fuller swing with the baby. So, I am really looking forward to being a mommy. I almost can't believe it but, I am very happy. I can't wait.