Didn't do much today. Went to the post office, to the bank and then to the grocery store. Sam and I took a walk to the park where he played until some big grey dog came so we high tailed it out of there though Sam, forever the masculine little guy he is, tried to battle the dog. We then went to the 99 cent store so I could get some Tide and Downy for five dollars instead of the ten I usually pay for it. Then since I forgot to get milk at the grocery store, we went to the bodega and got some. SOme man let me cut him in line and offered to buy my mile which I thought was pretty weird until I looked down and saw that the twins were making a pushed up and well supported lovely appearance which then made me think about how stupid this man was that he would lose his place in line and part with his money because he got to see the crack of my breasts, that's so stupid. Sam and I then came home where I talked to my friend, The Girl Who Has a Great Life and Doesn't Even Know It. She didn't have any outlandish stories to tell today so our conversation was rather pleasant. I then spoke to my friend K whom I love and who lives in Chicago and who if he were willing to move to NYC or I to Chi-Town, I would definitely marry. I then tried to take a nap on the couch but only achieved watchng The Station Agent which I've seen like 10 times before. We then went to The Heavenly One's house because she had cake over there and I have decided to stop baking (at least for a while, I bake and eat, bake and eat, it's no good).

I had to get some pampers for Sam. He is usually house broken but, he has reached sexual maturity and so he is going through this phase where he feels it's his duty to piss over everything. I washed everything in my house that is piss - on - able whether he peed on it or not and wrapped those pampers tightly around his waist.

Haven't heard from Mysterious Ex in like two days. Not exactly true, he spoke to me for like 2 minutes the day before yesterday. He's away for work but, We've never not spoked when he was away on business. I called him this morning and left him a message but, he did not get back to me. I am very unhappy with how things are going between us and though I know the simple thing would be to just end things, I have these horribly conflicting feelings. One day I'm gung ho on letting him go, the next day I'm thinking about how I should stick things out with him. I'm very confused and that in itself isn't something I am happy about.

I haven't been hungry lately though I have been eating almost constantly whether I am hungry or not. I hate my emotional eating (one of the reasons I have decided to give up my favorite pass time of baking) I eat just to eat, pretty sickening.

I received a call from three different men in the past week whom I used to date or thought about dating. One is a guy, who is actually about 22 years older than me, though he looks like he's in him mid thirties that I really dug. He and I liked each other a lot, but when he found out I was 23, (this was a few years ago of course), he kind of backed off. I started seeing someon else and so we just parted ways. He usually calls me like two or three times a year to see if I would like to get together but usually, I'm seeing someone or just getting over seeing someone. He told me he would love to get together with me and I told him I would let him know. I'll see if I call him.

The other guy is this man who own an auto body shop. He was always REALLY nice to me and though I tried to like him, I was never attaracted to him, there weren't ever any sparks between us. He liked me A LOT and I felt bad when I ended things between us because I really tried to like him, I wanted to. He suggested we go out this weekend and I told him I was seeing someone, his answer was, if you're ever not seeing someone, give me a call.

The third guy is this older, rich guy that I dated for about a month. I actually met him the day I bought Sam home more than two years ago. This guy is really nice, very sweet, wants a full blown relationship and his very wealthy. We stopped seeing each other because, I am 5'9" and LOVE to wear heels, he is about 5'6". Also, he weighs about 130 pounds and let's just say I weigh A LOT more than 130 pounds. Also, (I don't mean this in a racist way at all) he's a little white guy. He's a sweet heart, but I just could never get over people staring at me. Here I am a nearly 6 foot tall, fat, curvy (very curvy) black chick with wild curly hair dating this 5'6" skinny, white guy. I always felt uncomfortable with him not because he made me feel that way but because of the stares we would always get, it was just too much for me to take.

So, will I go out with any of these guys? I'm not sure. I'm going to take a shower an try to finish this book I've been reading for the last two weeks.

I was speaking with The Heavenly One and here is her take on the whole Mysterious Ex thing: She thinks that he and I should stay together, her reasoning being that he and I have been together thus far and we continue to work on our realtionship. She says that we as women grow up with this idea of what we think our partner, our man will be and many times, he may or may not be that person that we have in our minds idealized. She told me, Mysterious Ex is a good man. He loves you, you love him. Even though you feel he doesn't spend enough time with you, it is not because he is sitting on his behind or running the streets with other women. She tells me, when he is unable to see you, it is because he is working, or in the studio, which is working. He is trying to be able to provide a better life for himself and for you. She asked me to list the benefits of a marriage between Mysterious Ex and myself from my perspective. I told her, if we are to marry, I know that I would never want for anything. Financially, I know that I would be more than okay. I know that he would never hurt me, or mistreat me or be unkind to me. I know that he would not cheat on me, I know that I will live well, my children would be cared for and I know that I will be loved and feel loved. I know that our marriage, our household and our lives would be a partnership, I would be okay. My mom asked me if I were willing to trade that, if I were willing to throw that away for the unknown and I told her, I don't think so. She told me that if he and I are seriously discussing marriage and a life together that I cannot so easily decide I want out. She tells me, if the two of you have decided to try and make this work, then that is what you should do. She then tells me, do you think your father was EVERYTHING I wanted in a man? No. Of course he had some faults, of course there are things I would have loved for him to do more of or not do at all but, I love him, and he loved me and we had a great marriage, we had a wonderful partnership. If I had left your dad in search of something greater, would I have had the same life? No. Do I wish I had had a different life? Hell No. That is what love is, you accept the person, faults included. If Mysterious Ex's biggest problem is he works too much, you should be happy.

So, I don't know what to think because I know the reality of our situation and then I know how I feel. I know that when he is off doing all the things he has to do he makes me feel insignificant, as though I am what he thinks of only when he has time to think of me but, I know him and that train of thinking isn't him. I know that I mean more to him than almost anyone. I know that he loves me, I know that I am important to him and important in his life. But, even with all of that, I feel that there is an important part of our relationship missing. So, do I let him go and search for something that I think will be better or, do I stay with what I know and love and try to make that work? I mean, at this point in our relationship, the only thing that bothers me is I don't see enough of him. I feel that we don't spend enough time together, he has made significant positive changes in all other aspects of our relationship. I don't know if I am ready to let him go but, I don't know what is best for me.

The Heavenly One Needs a Man

I love my mom, I really do. I love my dad also. But, my mom needs a man. Or at least a butler of some sort. I visit my mom daily, why not? She's right up the block, she's fun 98% of the time and like I said, I love her. But, once my foot crosses the threshold of her floor, it's like I'm going to work. MY NAME do this, do that. She has a honey do list for me as soon as I get there, hence, my mom needs a man of some sort in that house. Yesterday, I dropped by to gossip about my weekend and just to hang out with her since I hadn't seen her for the weekend. "Oh", she says "I need you to do a couple of things for me." "Really", I answer "who would've guessed." "First, I want to know if you can mop my floor, my girl is off for the week." (First off, why is she calling a GROWN woman a girl? My mom sounds like those snobs in Connecticut I encountered this weekend. Second off couldn't she get a replacement?) As though that isn't enough, she also wanted me to cut her grass, make her bed, moisturize her hair (apparently her hair dresser is on vacation also) and clip her dog's nails. Uh mom, there's only 24 hours in the day, come on. So, she needs a man, I don't care if she dates him or not, she just needs someone in there to get some of this stuff done.

So, Mysterious Ex has reverted to his old self. He has not quite stopped speaking to me, I think he knows a little better than to do that but, yesterday he called while I was at THO's house and left me this sick, sad message. Usually, his messages are along the lines of "Hey baby, was just giving you a call, hope you and Sam are okay, maybe I'll try you on your cell, love you, bye". If I don't call him back within two or three hours, he may call me again with a similar message or try my cell, even though I rarely carry it. Yesterday's message was more along the lines of (as dead and un lively sounding as humanly possible) "Hey, it's me. I guess I'll call you later." Click. I came home late as THO and I were watching this old '50s movie called The Bad Seed which was pretty good. So, I didn't call him back and he did not call me. I am not normally an advice seeker but I will take it if someone offers it. My cousin T, who I find to be a very pulled together person says that I should just date other people. I am honestly thinking that I should. M.E. and I have talked and talked and talked. Even though we think we do, maybe we just have different ideas of what a good relationship is. The thing is, M.E. and I come from very similar familial backgrounds, (even though is family is WAY better off financially, and my mom and dad were no slouches). We are both the babies or our families even though he is like 7 years older than me. All of his brothers have wives and children and he says he wants the same. My family loves him and his loves me. We are bothe intelligent forward thinking people. Theoretically, we should be able to make this work.

As I am getting older, I want a more solid relationship. I want to be apart of something that is building up towards marriage and family. He claims that is what he wants but, I don't see it. I don't see him (despite his positive changes) moving towards what I want. Maybe I don't feel he's moving fast enough, I'm not sure which. He works this job that takes like 12 hours or so of his time daily. In addition to that, he is putting together a studio and he loves to make music. I am supportive of him but, it is having a negative affect on US. His job takes him away every so often for a week or two at a time. In addition to all of this, I mentioned that I might want to get my PhD over the weekend. He says, "I've been thinking about going back to school more and more lately". WHAT? NOW he wants to get his Masters, come on! I mean, if that is a decision he feels he wants to make then of course it's positive, I would be supportive but then I think, he's 33, not 23 or even in his twenties. When does he expect to do this? If he wants us to be together (which is the thought process he has), how does he expect us to survive his job, his studio, and his classes especially since we are not in a good place (at least in my eyes)? The classes that I am going to be taking are in the summer, during the day. Even the principal's program that I have entered has a regular teaching job schedule so my plans do not interfere with US. My doctor has given me a time frame of the next 4 - 5 years to become pregnant, and that is something that I want to and am going to do with or without him. None of his plans fit into mine. It is as though we are living these very independent existences and then just mesh our (or rather for the time being his) schedule into some kind of coordinating fashion. Maybe we are not together on our scope for the future, who knows. And that, to me, is one of the most important things right now. My career is figured out. With this new job I am taking and entering the principal's program, my financial and career life is figured out. I have accomplished what I set out to do. Between my salary, the houses and land and stocks my dad has left me, I can luckily say that I am independent, able to provide for myself or any children I decide to have. I won't have to depend on anyone financially. Now, I would like to concentrate on my personal life. I would like to find a partner and start a family. I mean, if it's something I'll have to do on my own, I am willing to take on that responsibility, but, I would prefer to be with a partner, I would prefer to be someone's wife AND mother.

Last night I had the weirdest dream where my dad, an old family friend and an aunt were present. The thing is, all of these people are dead. It was actually a pleasant if not slightly confusing dream where loads of people from my family, both my mom and dad's side were present. Our house was huge, way huger (if that's a word) than it really is and there were palm trees growing along the side walks even though there was snow on the streets. I had a little sister (which I don't) who stuck to me and she and I were wandering around the house looking for someone who had forged my signature on a job application. We finally found these people, who actually turned out to be my cousin T and her sister and brother and then I proceeded to slap all of them while they laughed at me. I then tried to get back to my bedroom with this little sister of mine in tow and we came to this glass room that had dead people in caskets (these people I could only assume were family members) when I asked my little sister about them, she said they had alsways been there and that I was acting silly. Since the house was so big, we had to walk a long distance to get back to my room and we kept passing these rooms full of family members having these individual parties even though it seemed as though they were all there for some big party. I recognized a lot of people in the rooms and some people were like made up people even though in the dream I knew I was related to them. It was very strange and so realistic. When I woke up, I was really like wow. I dont' like having such weird dreams.

I guess things went well enough

I cannot nomplain to much about this weekend. That sounds VERY negative, let me focus on the positive first.

Mysterious Ex and I didn't argue, well we had one tiny "disagreement" when we got back so I'm not sure if that counts or not. Mysterious Ex, Sam and I stayed at his family's summer home and he finally convinced me to go for a ride on HIS boat (did not know the boat was M.E.'s until this weekend, he always referred to it as "THE" boat), by the way, boating is very scary, I probably won't do that again, though Sam LOVED it. We spent a lot of time together doing nothing, which was cool. Basically, other than the boating and going to the beach and out to dinner, we sat around in our undies reading, listening to music, talking, laughing and dancing oh, and scaring people (more on that later). It was nice to just hang together, I really LIKE M.E. other than the love thing, he really is a great person, he's so funny and smart and sweet, I thoroughly enjoy being with him and he and Sam, as always get along wonderfully.

M.E. is going away for work on Wednesday, when we came back last night, I asked him, "Am I going to see you before you go?" he anwsered, "Do you want to see me?" I was a little taken a back because I expected his answer to be "of course". I guess he felt our spending the weekend together was enough. I told him, "Don't over extend yourself. If you feel that you've seen enough of me then by all means, don't make an effort to see me, it isn't that big of a deal, forget it". I then told him that I don't see him enough, I told him that he thinks things are great between us because we have a successful weekend but successful weekends do not a relationship make. He sighed in the "oh here we go again" fashion and so I just looked at him. He asked me (and I think he was being serious) "you don't think we see each other enough?" without hesitation I answered "NO!" He then asked (this is one of his favorite questions and personally, I abhore when he says this) "Is that the truth?" I just looked at him, "are you SERIOUS!?" I asked him. When it really comes down to it, we only see each other a few times a month, sure we're on the phone ALL OF THE TIME, but again, a PHONE relationship does not a REAL relationship make." I then added (and this is was got him) "You're very busy with your life and your job and your studio, I tell you all of the time and you never seem to realize that you are too busy for US. If you feel that you don't have time, just tell me because it isn't normal, and this entire thing is nor fair to me. I'm committed to you for WHAT?" He then shut down (as is M.E.'s fashion) he stod there for a long time not saying anything then he said "I'm going to go, there is a lot of traffic going out to the island and I don't want to be stuck in it for longer than I have to" I said, "okay". When we got to the door, he asked me "so, can I call you later?" I asked him, "why are you asking me? Of course you can, that isn't what I was getting at" We kissed and he left. I told him to call me when he got home so that I would know he got there safely but, he didn't call. I called him later and he said he wasn't in the talking mood, as is old M.E. fashion. The thing is, if I don't tell him what's bothering me, he makes a huge issue out of it, he tells me I'm not opening up to him, I'm not letting him in, I'm keeping things from him but, if I tell him the thing that is bothering me is us, he gets upset and does this whole "don't feel like talking" or in the past, just stop talking to me thing. He is so weird at times and this isn't something that I feel I can or should have to deal with. When you love someone I know that it includes all of their fucked upedness but, when it is NOT okay to deal with their shit?

My cousin T suggested that I should just start dating other people. She feels that I have exhausted my efforts on M.E. I too feel that way often but, I love him, as sick and sad and ridiculous as that sounds. I don't know why I feel it is my job to stick by him and see this thing out. We have no formal commitment to one another, he doesn't even feel that there is anything wrong with the amount of time we spend together. I feel that in itself says a lot.

Being the anal chick that I can sometimes be, I just added up that I have seen M.E. 12 times since April 8. That is 90 days. In 90 days I have seen him 12 times.


About the scaring people thing. I don't want to be racist but, higher income white people are so stupid. They think that because your skin tone is darker, there can be no possible way that you can live the way they do. On the beach this weekend, there was a group of small rowdy white children, a woman walked over TO ME, mind you there were LOTS of people on this beach and actually asked me "what family are you with?" As in, who's nanny are you? I looked at her and asked (in my perfect standard American english) "what ever are you speaking about?" Mind you, I was on the beach, NO WHERE NEAR these children, with my little expensive dog (who was wearing a tank top and had a playpen, just to give you a glimpse of the snooty factor I was living up to). I had a huge SINGLE beach towel, a small bag containing sun block, water, fruit and the book I was reading (John Irving's Hotel New Hampshire), I was attired in a lovely suit, great straw beach hat and dashing (expensive) shades, a nanny, I was not dressed as. She then repeated herself in a louder voice, (I was of course a lowly dumb nigger in her eyes) "What family are you with? There is a group of children over there misbehaving" (she pointed in the direction of the children because of course, my inferior nigger eyes couldn't see the children kickng balls and sand in the midst of the crowd). I kindly let her know I was not a nanny and that I found her assumption of my career to be insensitive and racist. I let her know that I, like she, was enjoying my weekend away from the city and then suggested she find a nanny and/or a parent post haste. I then added that instead of wasting her time bothering visitors like myself, maybe she should move her set up away from the unruly children. I then kindly smiled at her, and went back to reading my book. (M.E. doesn't like the beach past the boardwalk and I tell you, she was LUCKY because he would not have spoken to her so kindly). The funny thing is later that day, we were boating and I saw her with who I presumed was her spouse on a boat WAY smaller and older than M.E.'s. I waved at her and asked her how whe was enjoying her vacation at which she just literally, stared, mouth wide open.

The next day, we went to dinner (this restaurant is of the $150 + per person variety, not including drinks or dessert). The owners and workers were very nice because of course we are spending so much money. They sat us at a wonderful table and M.E. and I (showing my conceit) looked fabulous. I was wearing this black and white print off the shoulder 50's style dress (think Lucille Ball in I Love Lucy). This dress had a pink belt around the waist and a small pink flower at the clavicle. I wore a pair of pink Jimmy Choo - like shoes (I WILL NOT pay 500 dollars for a pair of shoes, that's just stupid) and wore my pink Lous Vuitton Murakami Papillon (thanks mom!). M.E. wore a dark gray suit and perfectly coordinated to me light pink shirt and tie and he had on these great cuff links I bought him for Christmas. Read, we didn't look thuggish, or unruly, or poor, actually, we were one of the best dressed couples at the restaurant. Upon being seated, this woman and her husband/boyfriend turned and stared right at us like "oh god, they're here too?" M.E. being the funny and suave kind of guy he is goes "hey, how's it going?" They just looked at him and us like we had four heads and continued eating their meal. Then, the woman to the other side of us MOVED HER POCKETBOOK! from the edge of the table where it was to the other side of the table! It was the funniest thing in the world! Had we been in a McDonalds or Burger King instead of that place, I probably would have cursed her out. But instead, I settled for a hushed but loud enough for her to hear us tones, "Is she serious? First off, I'm not snatching and running in four inch heels, second of all what is that bag, plastic, she's got to be kidding, it cost about as much as my undies did." M.E. then asked if we could be moved because of the "low rent element" (he actually used those words which I found fantastically funny) and we had a wonderful meal including for me, a half a bottle of something very close to strawberry champagne (can't pronounce it, something like gerwischwitzer or something) and a wonderful chocolate strawberry cake) Mmmm, chocolate cake.

church on vacation

writing from cell phone forgive punctuation - lack of- here we are in connecticut on a mini vacation of sorts and mysterious ex has to go to church cut it out please i had a cousin who did that no matter where we were she had to go to kingdom hall once we went to boston for the weekend this is when we were in college she had to call around looking for a kingdom hall to attend goddess forbid he doesn't go to church does he think the world will end i dont know what im getting into

Hope it All Goes Well

We are supposed to be going away this weekend. Samson's bag is packed, mine is not. Samson's outfit for tomorrow is picked it, mine is not. Samson is bathed, his hair is combed, his bows are straightened out and my things are all over the place, not even resembling any kind of order. So, we are off to Connecticut for the weekend. Hopefully, things will go well between Mysterious Ex and I. Hopefully things will go well between my bathing suits and I (god, that's an understatement). So, a weekend of beach, sun, fun and boating will hopefully make things between us go well. I guess we'll have to see.

I take two steps forward, he takes two steps back

Since I am home for the time being and don't really have much to do, I have decided to start a scrapbook for Sam. After seeing all of the beautiful scrapbooks people have made, I went out and spent like a hundred dollars on ribbons and letters and paper and glue and all this stuff in order to beautify my book. It's kind of nuts now though because I MUST have more. Everything I see, I want to buy, "Ooooo, I need that" "Oooo, that's cute", "Ooooo, that will look cute in Sam's book". I am a bonafide nut. I have banned myself from eBay beacuse as mentioned, I am crazy and will spend all of my money there.

I can never seem to win with Mysterious Ex. The week before last, I was going to wait until after the wedding to break up with him but last weekend, we had this huge talk and I thought the need for that had been thwarted. Now, some other stuff has come up. There is ALWAYS something with him, and I am back to where I began. Why does it have to be this constant up and down? Why does there always have to be this unknowing? I've already decided this isn't what I wanted, I thought things were sure to get better (yet again) but, we're right back. He's doing some fasting, not talking to me thing which he told me would be over tonight but, I still have not heard from him. I will not call him, I will not make that move, I am tired of having that responsibility. The funny thing is, I really don't think that he understands the damage things like this does to us. It isn't as though we have this strong relationship and everything between us is fine. Our thing is rocky at best. I am one misunderstanding away from dropping us, I don't see how he can't know this. Whenever I think that things are okay and I can sit back and enjoy "us", something arises. Something that upsets our relationship, sets us back a few milestones or causes us to breakup. I know that he thinks that I am dismissive of him, he thinks that I am always ready to break up with him and call it quits but it is true, I won't lie. It isn't that I don't want to work at having a good relationship, but it is all too much. When you are CONSTANTLY fighting and trying to get things to work, is it even worth it? Whenever I think we are moving forward, her we go, back again. I am tired of being in the same place.

Blah Blah today

Today was so hot. The Heavenly One and I went out to take our dogs to the groomer and do a bit of shopping, but not shopping shopping. I bought lotion, face cream, contact fluid, a new journal, toothpaste, tampons and some pens. She got some glasses cleanser (water and tissue are not good enough for The Heavenly One) some fade cream (for the scars left by her operation) and pens, (she had to have some when I bought them and scoffed at the idea of sharing even though mine had like 10 in a pack), my mom's weird at times. After our non shopping shopping trip, we went to Burger King of all places (even though I am supposed to be fasting, I did have a whopper, fries and a sprite, it was good too) and then we went to pick up the dogs (Samson, my baby, and Delilah, my mom's baby) from the groomer. We then came back to her house and complained about the heat as we discussed Mysterious Ex's new found weirdness. Sam and I came home, but I got bored so we went back to THO's house and we just came back about a half hour ago. Samson just finished eating dinner, he's really into this Thanksgiving Day Dinner by Nerrick and I am sitting here shooting the shit.

Though I probably should, I am not in the mood to have a talk with M.E. I'm tired, we spoke last week, I'm just not in the mood. I know that this fasting thing is bothering me though so I will probably bring it up. This weekend being July 4th weekend, we are supposed to do something. We decided last week we were going to go to Connecticut so, I hope things go as well as our last trip.

I start my classes the Monday after next and I AM NOT looking forward to them. I know that in the long run it will be beneficial to my career and my life and all that jazz but, who wants to go to school during the summer? I don't even teach summer school because I don't want to be in school. I don't know how I'm going to get through that but ah well. Nothing much is going on today.

BLATANTLY STEALING FROM GWEN (sorry, love you girl)

I've had the names of my unborn children picked out for sometime. I am assuming that I am going to have two girls and a boy in girl, girl boy order. If there is any deviation from the vision developed in my warped mind, I'm screwed.

BTW Sam, who is kind of like my first baby is named
Samson Louis Bartholomew (don't ask about the Bartholomew, I thought it was nice at the time). When he does something bad, I call him Samson Louis (stereotypical mom stuff)

My first daughter's name will be: Miranda Michelle Iana Phoolan

Miranda Michelle will be her first name, (I love the way it sounds) and I will call her Randa for short. Iana is a variation of M.E.'s name and it means God is gracious. Phoolan Devi is the name of a female Indian revolutionary who really kicked some ass.

My second daughter's name will be: Hellen Olivia Nzingha
or: Olivia Queen Anne Nzingha or Anastasia Olivia Aksana

Hellen is my mother's name which I've come to like in my old age. Olivia is a name that I adore but, depending on how my daughter looks, I don't know if I'm going to go with Olivia for the first name or not. Queen is an old family name. After slavery, a lot of black people started naming their sons and daughters King and Queen as a sign of power and strength. Anne Nzingha was an African woman who was pronounced KING (not queen) because basically, she kicked ass. Really, it's a longer story than I feel like recounting. Anastasia is a name I've loved for a long time and Aksana is just a variation of Oksana (that drunkard skater though I don't want my child to be a drunkard, I just like her name).

My son's name is kind of up in the air. If I have children with Mysterious Ex, I might have a junior because I LOVE M.E.'s name. It's very nice and sounds regal. However, other names that I like for a boy are:

Malcolm Alexander - I just like the way it sounds
Marcus
Aleksander
Owen (heh, I like it but sounds a little wimpy but, sounds really good with M.E.'s last name)

oooo babies, scary

GoddessNoir the Jezebel

Mysterious Ex did or rather said the strangest thing today. Since we have gotten back together, he has been trying or rather actually has been diferent and better than he used to be. He has decided to go to church more and get closer to God as a means to better deal with "us" and though I am not traditionally religious, I respect his decision and the way he is dealing with our relationship. Since he has gotten back his truck things between us have been smoother and even before getting his truck back, he has been nicer, calmer and more expressive with me. But today, he threw me a ball I was totally not expecting.

First off, I have to set a back story so that it is beter understood. M.E.'s problems with me are that according to him, I am very dismissive of him (if I get upset about something I am ready to call it quits), I am not affectionate enough (he likes to hold hands and kiss in public, things that I often feel weird about) and that I don't always allow him to be free with my body, if you catch my drift. Saturday at the wedding, he was holding my hand while we were in church and I, feeling weird, let it go, he didn't say anything, but he just looked at me and made this kind of mmmm sound. Later when we were driving to the reception, he reached over and rested his hand under my dress, on my thigh and I quickly moved his hand. Again, he didn't say anything, but he cut me this look like, "see". While we were at the reception, he rubbed my thigh and I moved his hand, he gave me one of those looks and while we were crossing the street, he reached for my hand, I took his then let it go. I just feel childish holding someone's hand, like I'm in kindergarten again. When we got home Saturday night, I let him do things that he's wanted to do for a while. Mind you, I am not frigid, just self conscious. So, he was reveling in how I let him do this and that and how he was happy with that. Not to get too graphic but, he spoke dirty to me and encouraged me to do the same. He seemed very pleased with the results. Fine.

Today, he calls me and tells me that I won't hear from him until Wednesday night. Before I could ask why, he explained to me that he was going to do a spritual fast and abstaining from certain things. Okay, I said. Why are you doing this I asked, (when I fasted, it was a huge deal, actually I'm fasting again but that's a different story) he told me, and this is the part I have trouble with, he told me he was fasting because his church was fasting, the pastor said they should and he was, I'M QUOTING HIM "trying to be obedient". My goodness I thought. To me, it is one thing if one is fasting because it is apart of one's culture or religion or because someone just wants to fast for personal, spiritual reasons or for whatever reasons ONE decides. But, to fast because someone told you to? That to me is just strange. Then I had to really think. I find Mysterious Ex to be a really smart guy, I mean REALLY smart but this, to me, seems stupid. Is he really this gullible? What else will he do because someone tells him? Maybe I'm being harsh. He then went on to tell me that we weren't going to speak because I might lead him to think, I'M QUOTING HIM "unpure thoughts". I responded to him "what!?" "What are you saying?" I asked him, "Do you think SEX in unpure? Do you think love is unpure? What does that say about me? If this is how you feel, then you shouldn't be having sex with me AT ALL". He told me we would speak about it on Wednesday, I answered fine. We said good night and hung up.

It lead me to think all kinds of things. Like people who send all of their money to televangelists because they are told to, or people who drink cyanide laced kool aid because they are told to. I do have to say honestly that it has given me a huge thing to think about. The fact that he isn't going to speak to me for fear of having "unpure thoughts" as though our love or appreciation for one another physical or otherwise is wrong in some way.

The biggest thing that bothers me though is the fact that he seems to be doing this because he was told to. And that "being obedient" comment, that was really a kicker. I am not sure how to handle this one. I guess I will wait a day and see.

Almost Everything Went Off Without a Hitch

Yesterday was 96 degrees, with a heat index that made it feel as though it was 105 degrees. And there, on the sidewalk of the church stood roughly, 400 people, half of the actual guests in attendance, awaiting the bride. There they waited, and waited, and waited and waited. They waited for nearly three hours, I say nearly because had they waited 6 minutes more, it would have been three hours. I however only waited 35 minutes or so. I know the bride personally and knew that this would happen. Mysterious Ex, The Heavenly One and I planned our travel time to arrive at about 30 minutes before what time we thought the wedding would begin which in actuality was about 2 and a half hours AFTER the wedding was SUPPOSED to start. So, ALMOST everything went off without a hitch with the exception of a few things.

#1 One of my first cousins, who is about 20 years my senior who has disgustingly flirted with me at past family events announced he wanted to, using HIS words not mine, "fuck me". My first cousin, who I have known since I was born. Who is 20 years older than me. Who knew me when I was a little girl. Who KNOWS he is my first cousin. Other than trembling in disgust and horror, I don't have a comment on that one.

#2 One of my cousins (as I predicted), told people that I thought I was, in her words "too good for her" because I didn't hug her for more than ten seconds. Note the 105 degree heat index as stated above, added to the fact that I am admittedly a fat chick, added to the fact that she is too indeed a fat chick, added to the fact that (Goddess forgive me) she smelled as though she hadn't bathed in a day or two. Or, here is another formula:

Fat Girl (cousin, not me) (and not run of the mill chubby or plump but stomach hanging nearly to knee caps despite never being pregnant fat) + 105 degree heat index + standing in hot sun waiting nearly three hours for bride + tafetta (or some other unholy material she was wearing) + you bathed at like 6 in the morning before driving three hours to NYC in said 105 degree heat + the fact that I don't really know you and haven't seen you in like 8 years + I don't want to get your smell, scent and funk all over me = I don't want to hug you whore, now leave me the fuck alone and give me my (as Gwen likes to put it) hula hoop of personal space.

#3 Mysterious Ex was asked to cart some relatives from the church to the reception, since he has a big three rows of seats SUV/truck type of vehicle, he obliged which makes him very nice in my book. Said relatives were from the sect of my family no one likes to mention, they are mostly under educated, under or unemployed (and not because they were going through a career change or slump or this is a good enough job for now type thing), they mostly comprise of the stereotypical jive talking black folks that are thrown up on movie and T.V. screens. My brother, carrying his wife, two daughters and The Heavenly One (who decided she would bless both of us, my brother and I, with her presence by "allowing" M.E. and me to take her to the wedding and then "allowing" my brother to take her to the reception) had an entire row of seats to spare and M.E. and I, traveling together, unfortunately had two rows equaling 6 seats to give away. After the service, my brother and Mysterious Ex who both drive these massive SUVs were LITERALLY nearly run down with requests for being driven to the reception hall by this sect of my family. This is basically how it went:

Embarassing Family Member: (Spoken loudly and in the worst english possible) Yo, yo, MY NAME how you gettin' to the reception?

Me: Um, my boyfriend is going to drive me, well us.

Embarassing Family Member: What he be drivin'?

Me: Excuse me?

Embarassing Family Member: What he drivin'?

Me: You mean what type of CAR is he driving?

Embarassing Family Member: Yeah

Me: Um, he has a Land Cruiser, why?

Embarassing Family Member: He co' (could) take us?

Me: Well, who is "us"?

Embarassing Family Member: (Names replaced) This one, That one, and them, oh, and Her and Him

Me: Um, Let me ask.

Embarassing Family Member: Oh, you gotta be asking yo' man and shit?

Me: Well, it is HIS car, I'll let you know.



They decided they HAD to have beer before they went to the reception, even though the reception was like a mile away (there was beer and liquor being served at the reception) from the church and we left DIRECTLY after the service, (read: there was like 15 minute travel time including getting in the car, driving to the hall and finding parking, etc.) Before they all piled into the car, I let M.E. know about their propensity to make things disappear so he ever so discreetly threw small items into the back hutch like portion of the truck. Even though the ride only lasted a few minutes, it was one of the longest periods of my life. Mysterious Ex and I threw one another sideways glances as we listened to them slay the english language like a knight sent to rid the kingdom of the awful fire breathing dragon. Strangely, I think we grew closer as we listened to them declare how they would "knock a N---er out if he look at me wrong" and how they were ready to "get hiiiiiiiigh" (emphasis is their's not mine) we then listened to how either of us, (M.E. or I) would "get jacked if we came through their 'hood" because we were, AND I QUOTE, "sof', high class niggers, who be talkin' white and shit". I CANNOT POSSIBLY MAKE THIS STUFF UP. Their conversation then turned to how my parents have always been "stuck up", "thinkin' they white", and how they "be turnin' their nose up at us" and how consequently my brother and sister and I were the same. Mind you, I was in the car, in MY BOYFRIEND'S car who was giving them a ride. I would have loved for this lovely portion of the evening to have never ended but alas, we had arrived at our destinantion.

#4 At the reception, people were sitting at our table and they REFUSED to get up even though we were assigned to tables. We (me, my brother, his wife and two girls, Mysterious Ex, my wonderful cousin T her husband, her sister and her boyfriend) were Table 4, they were sitting at Table 4 but told us their table "was too far away from the action". These people were foreign to us so we assumed they were from the groom's sect of the family no one wants to acknowledge. So we sat at their table, which in the long run was better because THE CATERER (another cousin) screwed up the place setting and mixed up the table numbers.

#5 During the reception EVERY aunt, uncle and family member who is married and therefore feel it is their birth right to ask about my questionable marital status, came by to look Mysterious Ex over. While there, they asked me where my babies were, when was I expecting the babies, would the babies be coming soon, if I thought I would be having babies, why was it taking so long for me to get the babies, commenting on how I had a big enough house to put the babies in, how my dog was not a baby substitute, encouraging me to move quickly before my plubmbing ran dry. They then encouraged M.E. to let the wedding get him in the mood to pop the question so that I could start trying to have the babies (hopefully being successful) as though (and this is the feminist part of me) when it truly comes down to it, he has ANYTHING to do with whether I decide to have children, whether I ACTUALLY have children or even if he will be doing the impregnating, I was always under the impression those choices were mine but, I guess I was wrong. Then my pregnant cousins came over and though I am happy for them, (I really am) god did they get on my nerves,

Pregnant Cousin #1: When is it going to be your turn MY NAME?

Pregnant Cousin #2: You're not getting any younger girl.

Pregnant Cousin #1: (Speaking loudly and looking Mysterious Ex directly in the eye) When are you going to get married and start popping out some babies MY NAME. (Popping out babies? that sounds like fun.)


Pregnant Cousin #2: It's time to stop playing around girl.

(Mind you, both these women got married in their early thirties, and now that they are pregnant, they're doing the same shit that was done to them and they hated? Give me a fucking break.)

When I mentioned to Pregnant Cousin #2 that I was not "playing around" and that not only was I trying to lay down the foundations for a great relationship, but that I was embarking on a fulfilling career by becoming a principal and starting my own school, her response was , AND I QUOTE:

"That's all well and good, but money and jobs don't make babies, husbands do."

Uh, Thanks for the sex ed lesson of the day, I would have NEVER figured that out on my own.

Other than that, the day was pretty good. When the wedding DID finally start, it was really beautiful, it was fun talking to the people who weren't behaving ignorantly or asking about my marital status and/or fertility. Afterwards, M.E. and I had a great time. We drove around, which I love to do. We drove into Williamsburg (a newly gentrified and trendy section of Brooklyn) we were going to go to a seafood restaurant but the wait was like 2 hours or more so we left. We went to a street fair/flea market (at 10 at night, god I still LOVE NY sometimes) but didn't really find anything worth buying. We then drove into Queens (a less gentrified and trendy part of NY) so of course everything was closed. So, we drove back into Brooklyn and ended up buying White Castle of all things and ate semi naked (as not to ruin our dress up clothes) on my couch. We then took a shower and had some of the greatest sex we have ever had (really, it was that good). We then feel asleep and he left early this morning to go boating with his dad and brothers (I AM NOT a boating kind of chick). So far today, I have been to see The Heavenly One, we had brunch and discussed yesterday's event, walked Sam, stood in my yard and thought about cutting the grass (which I didn't do) read the papers (both The Times and The News) and ate wedding cake, a pretty good day thus far.

Just wanted to see if the picture thing works

This is Samson, my baby. And those are my rustic wood floors in my studio.

Why Are People I Know So Crazy? (and does this mean that I too am crazy?)

My day has been quite busy thus far though, I haven't really done ANYTHING. I was supposed to clean my house, wash my couch cover and sheets, clean my downstairs living and dining rooms which since because I NEVER use them, are very dusty. I was supposed to then wash my hair, give myself a facial, exfoliate my skin and sew a shrug out of this big satin shirt I have (because I have gotten very fat and my arms are all jiggly, the dress I am wearing tomorrow to the wedding is a "tube" dress, not really a tube top style, but there are no shoulders, no straps so that's the best way to explain it) but I have done nothing. Why? Because I have been on the phone ALL DAY!

First, my cousin T called but I love her and she's wonderful so I really don't have anything to say about her other than I love her and she's my greatest, bestest friend.

Then, G called and got on my nerves, the funny thing is, I didn't realize it was her who was calling, (I didn't check the caller ID) but became so intrigued by what she had to say that I had to stay on the phone. Apparently her mother, HER MOM, is having an operation and asked if she could come to NYC (G used to live in NYC until about February when she and her fiance moved to Baltimore) to help her out for about a week. Mind you, G is not working right now so instead of saying SURE! like any decent daughter/son/friend would, she said no, BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT! Could you imagine?! But, she is coming to NY the following week to finalize plans on her wedding. HER MOTHER! Not the next door neighbor, not her aunt that she doesn't know and hasn't seen since she was 2, but her MOTHER, the woman who gave birth to her and raised her. I can't get over that.

Then a friend of mine called, I will call her The Girl Who Has a Really Great Life and Doesn't Even Know It. This girl is living some kind of life, she has a great job, great husband, UNBELIEVABLE house in a GREAT neighborhood (her house must be worth AT LEAST 4 million dollars) and 2 wonderful children but for some reason, this is not good enough for her, she wants more so she randomly screws people. I mean like meet them today fuck them tomorrow type shit. I really don't approve of what she does but, she's a great person, I really like her. So she's telling me this story about how she is screwing this man in her car, the car that her husband bought her outright, no loan, no payments just "here honey, here's your new car" the same car that she carts her children around in, while her husband is at home watching the children because she has to "work late" and in the middle of this story I literally tell her,

Me: "Just stop!, WTF are you doing? Do you even realize what you're saying? You're fucking some man in the car your husband bought you the car you take _______ and _______ to school in and what do you want me to say? Do you want me to laugh, do you want me to add something to your story or make some kind of comment? Why are you doing this? What do you get out of this? I don't want to hear this, you need to take a look at what's going on with you and decide whether you want to stay in your relationship or not because this is fucking ridiculous, you're being disgusting".


The Girl Who Has a Really Great Life and Doesn't Even Know It then tells me "Don't judge me, I need you to listen as a friend."

Me: "A fucking friend? You need a goddamned psychiatrist, why do you think this is right? Why do you think I am supposed to just sit here and listen to this?" (Her story was very graphic and though I won't give all of the details, it included the words: dripping, knees, ass, bent, carseat and dick. Mind you, the words: condom and safe didn't come up once, hene the dripping)

She then went on to discuss some argument she and the extramarital man had and she tried to compare my situation with Mysterious Ex to her situation with the extra man. That really made me upset. As f'ed up as Mysterious Ex and I are, I am not married to him or any other man and he is not married to me or any other woman. Neither one of us is betraying someone when we are having spats and none of our screwing (WHEN we are screwing) is taking place in some car. (Also, the car was parked in some parking lot, god, that's gross!) I think I'm going to go back to incubating myself at least from some people because I just can't take this. These people are crazy, and while I probably am too, somehow my craziness seems more contained than theirs, I don't know.

Eaten So Far Today
Breakfast: Oatmeal, Apple Juice (going back to fast on Sunday lost 9 pounds then gained 2 back)

Hours on Phone: over 5

Exercise: none, other than my mouth

Bought: dog food for Sam, and Scrapbooking supplies (going to start a Sam scrapbook since I don't have a kid)

Resumes: None, got called in for a sample lesson next week and an interview for a "FREE" school closer to home (when I find out what a "FREE" school is, I'll elaborate)

I was speaking to my friend G the other day who sometimes strikes me as being a strange person. I mean, she's nice on the surface, but she sometimes says things that leads me to suspect that she isn't as nice as she actually lets on. Actually I can't even say "leads me to suspect", she very often says things that leaves me wondering WTF? Just weird, selfish and often childish stuff. So, not very long ago, she and this girl who she used to call her best friend stopped speaking, mind you, I am the youngest out of anyone I hang out with or even speak to, these women are in their thirties. Anyway, no one really understood the reasons which lead them to stop speaking and when G told me why, my first thought was "WTF?! we're grown, that's some kindergarten bullshit". Anyway, G and I were speaking about something or other (by the way, she has taken to calling ME, her best friend, I'm not exactly sure why, but ah well) anyway, we were speaking about whatever and I made a reference to something we were speaking about (maybe political or a law, I'm not sure) being mysogynistic. I know that I said if we lived in a matriarchal society "that" (whatever it was) wouldn't happen. She then replied (I remember this part clearly) that the world could not be ruled by women because women were vindictive, coniving and jealous of one another. I replied, I don't think that's true, that's a stereotype that is perpetrated by men and that personally, I didn't find that stereotype to be true. She then responds, well it's true of me, I hate other women when they are prettier or smarter than me, I don't like to think of women doing better than me. I completely shut up because I never heard anyone say such a thing, I mean even if they thought of it to themselves.

I began to think of the way she has been with people in the past and I had to think, she knows herself better than anyone, she's telling the truth. Then it dawned on me, when I ran my business (which was a pet oriented business), she NEVER bought one thing from me, even though she has a dog whom she loves and even though she claims she told everyone she knew who had a dog about the business. In fact, during the time that I was running my business, she bought more than several things for her dog that I myself was selling. Now, I am not saying that she should HAVE to buy things from me, but if a person is my friend and they open a hanger store then you better believe that from now on, I will at least get part of my hangers from her. It's just about supporting your friend. EVERY person that I knew who had a dog or cat, bought at least one thing from me, some people bought some things on more than one occassion just because they liked the products I was carrying, but she didn't buy one thing. I then thought about the way that I have seen her treat people that we both know and how I have HEARD about some of the things that she has done and I thought to myself, I don't think I want to be this girl's friend anymore. I mean, she hasn't done anything horrible to me, but I just really don't like to surround myself with people who are negative like that. So the problem is this, how do you break up with a friend? I've broken up with two friends in the past in a rather chicken shit way I will admit, I just stopped speaking to them, it was childish but effective. Another thing is this, at this point, she and I are both at the same stages in our career. I am now deciding that I am going to be a principal because frankly, I don't want to spend the next 40 years in the classroom and plus, I'd like to make over 100,000 a year. I told her this is what I was going to do just in casual friend like talk and now she is talking about being a principal. Is this because I said I was going to do this or because this is a realistic career goal of hers? Truthfully, I don't really count her amongst my friends, the four that I do have, so it won't be a huge loss but still, why does she have to be that way?

Another thing is, I mentioned my blog since this is sort of therapy for me and she tells me, "I came across your blog, I know where it is". I asked that she not read it, I know that it is up here for EVERYONE to read but, I don't want people that I personally know to read it, it's just weird. She tells me, since you don't want me to read it, I won't, I'll respect you. Let's see if she really does.

What the Fuck?

So this just happened like 2 minutes ago, I happened to be on line so here I am blogging my little heart out.

My brother came by to visit The Heavenly One so of course I went by to say hi. My nieces came back to my house with me becuase they wanted some furniture and crap for their Sims game and I have some on my computer from when I used to play. Anyway, this girl, actually WOMAN who used to live on my street YEARS AGO when I was like 7 or so came back to visit her mom who still lives on my street. (I used to live here when I was little, I moved into my own apartment then moved back when my dad left me this house). Anyway, my nieces heard the ice cream truck so naturally they ran outside to get some ice cream, I gave them money for their cones and asked that they bring me back one. This WOMAN who was/is a crackhead, dopefiend, dopehead, whatever your choice for a drug addict is , personally I like crackhead says "Hi His Name" to my brother. She then goes through the motions of asking about his kids, whether he got married, blah, blah. By the way, I know all of this because I heard it through my living room window, I was being a good auntie and copying game files for my neices while they went to get ice cream. Anyway again, she then says, "I saw your sister the other day, she's a big one." What the fuck? Sorry we can't all use crack as a diet modifier you fuckig crack head! Since when do crackheads have the authority to talk about other people? And by the way, for a crackhead, this girl had to be pushing about 200 so what is SHE talking about? The nerve of some people. Fucking crackhead.

Goodness Gracious the Vapors

For those of you who don't know, the Vapors is basically snubbing someone when they become "larger" than you or trying to hang around with someone you wouldn't ordinarily have hung out with now that they have acquired some kind of noteriety or something in their life has changed drastically.

The Vapors have struck some of my family. This is basically how things work, my brother and I being the two siblings in my family closest in age hang together. My brother is married and has two children but he's still my brother. We talk on the phone, we go to lunch, sometimes with his family, sometimes not. Last year my brother and I went on vacation together we went to visit our sister so it wasn't as though we were off in Cancun or anything, my brother and sister are cool, dare I say, I am cool. I have like 4 friends, 2 of them being women that I have known since age 0 and age 11 respectively, 1 of them being a cousin. She is the only person from my family that I consider a friend and one of two people that I speak to regularly. My brother is basically the same way. He has like 4 or 5 friends, 1 of them being his friend since he was a kid, 1 of them being a cousin and the others have been friends of his since he was a rookie (my brother's a detective). Anyway, my brother, my sister (the cool one) and I steer clear of most of my family. Why? Because they are nuts. Coincidentally, my other sister, the one who I can't stand, LOVES the rest of my family, she too is nuts but that's a different story that I will get around to at some other time. Anyway, my brother, sister and I have always been on the outside of the rest of my family, we always found company in each other even though we are spaced out in age. I say all of this to lead up to this story:

The Bride asked four of our cousins to be amongst her 18, EIGHTEEN bridesmaids. Here it is June 21, 4 days before her wedding and ALL FOUR have dropped out of her wedding. Why? Who knows. Could it be because these women aren't married and they are jealous? Could it be because this woman and her man seem kind of happy and they don't want to wish them well? Could it be because they are a bunch of evil bitches and no one should do that to any woman especially on her wedding day since she thought enough of you to ask that you be apart of her special day? I think that's the proper answer. All I know is it has caused a HUGE thing in the family as of course it should. Not only that but her caterer (who is another cousin and who caters for a living) has told her that since she has another event that day, she won't be able to cook all of the food she promised her since the other people paid The Caterer full price and The Bride did not even though get this, The Caterer INSISTED that she pay her half price, "we're cousins after all" was her reasoning. Isn't that some bull shit? Mother's are being called left and right even though everyone involved is at least 34 and in some cases, in their 40's. This, is why I don't talk to these people, they are fucking nuts. And, since other cousins are supposed to be the hosts and hostesses and are creating seating arrangements, etc. people are calling The Bride and her mother (who in turn calls my mother who in turn tells me who in turn tells you) "I don't want to sit next to __________, if you sit me next to him/her/them, I'm not coming. Such aggravation. Needless to say I feel very sorry for The Bride but, I did tell her sometime last year, you're married, fuck it, just buy a house and call it a day but, I guess people have to have what they want.

This weekend, Mysterious Ex got his truck back so we spent Sunday together, all day. We spoke a lot and went to my brother's for dinner. My nieces loved him as they always do and I have that stupid googly "I love him" feeling again. We're supposed to have dinner tomorrow and he promised (yet again) that he wants us to be together. He told me, "I love you. You've got to know that." When asked by one of my uncles, who happened to be at my brother's house, "When are we going to your wedding?" M.E. answered "Soon". But the crazy thing is, I'm scared, but I won't get into that now.

Today, The Heavenly One went to get some new glasses. Being my mother, she can't wait for anything so we had to go to this special eye doctor (in a fucking mall of all places) that all her friends told her about who has glasses ready in about three hours. So, 8 o'clock this morning, we trekked off to New Jersey which other than going to IKEA, is a place I usually drive THROUGH rather than drive TO. Her driver got us there in like less than an hour which I thought was rather cool and we asked him to be back around 1:30. We put in the order for her glasses, she paid. We did a little shopping. She bought me a new sleep mask (beautiful silk), some eye mask gel thingy that I've always wanted and never bought, some pricey body wash and a dress (rather expensive, I wouldn't have bought it). She bought a watch, a new LV bag, (as though she needs another), some pajamas and a dress. We then went to a day spa (a very nice one, there were water falls and fountains everywhere, that place alone was worth the trip) where we got manicures and pedicures and leg and hand massages. We ate cinnabons and coffee and went to pick up her glasses and then went outside thinking her driver would be waiting for us. So we waited, and waited and waited and waited. We called him, he called us, he was lost and his GPS system was not working. He began doing this crying, whining thing (which is actually sad considering he has to be in his forties) and we didn't get home until nearly 7. What a crazy day. Of course since we traveled by car and I expected to be in the lap of luxury all day, I wore 3 1/2 inch heels which hurt my feelt soooooooo bad. I was thisclose to going to PayLess and getting some 5 dollar flip flops but alas I did not. Needless to say, I am very tired and my feet are killing me. Sadder than that is tommorrow is my niece's kindergarten graduation which I promised her I would attend but which at this moment, seems like a promise I should not have made. I will turn in now so that I am refreshed and beautiful for tomorrow.

Well, here I am on yet another Saturday alone. My cousin T (the unpregnant one) has invited me to a party that I will probably attend. Mysterious Ex got his truck back this morning but hasn't really made mention of seeing me though he called me three times today. He vaguely mentioned us doing something tomorrow after church (you would swear church were a source of life for him) but I doubt I want to do anything with him. Again, I come last and EVERYTHING else is more important than me. I have for days, actually more than a week just been waiting for this damn wedding to be over so that this bullshit he and I are going through can be over. I really just no longer have the time, energy, patience or want to try and have a relationship with him. It is all just fruitless to me. I dread having to go back into the world of dating, having to meet new people and go on stupid dates but, I guess that is what I am going to have to do in order to find what it is I want, if I happen to find that at all. I don't want to be depressed or bummed out by this, I have been on this feministic hurrah for the last few days so I am trying to stay on that note of positivity.

My doctor has given me a 4 -5 window to try and conceive. Apparently, the fibroids I have are not in the nost ideal location and since removing them may do damage to my uterus and complicate my fertility, he is just going to leave them where they are and watch that they do not grow too big. He wants to me come to him like every three months or so in order to chart their progress so I guess he is quite serious. I mentioned all of this to M.E. and though he seemed very concerned about me when he stole his cousin's car the other day, this news seemed not to affect him as much. He sometimes seems like such a weird person to me. Like he seems as though he so concerned but then when I tell him what the cause of my pain is it's just like "oh". Is he afraid that I want him to impregnate me? Does he think that I will be on some, "let's hurry up and get married" kind of thing? I'm not sure. I know that my patience with him grows thinner than ever and that many times when he and I are speaking, I just want to yell, "shut the fuck up already, just shut up!" I know that I get very agitated with him. I know that very often I am quite curt with him but truthfully, I don't care. I'm tired of caring about his feelings. I'm tired of this entire situation.

The party that I am invited to tonight is being given by this girl who bought a house in my neighborhood. Early last year, I had a Sex and the City party since it was the end of the show and some of the products I was selling through my now defunct business were being featured on the show. One of the people who came to the party was this girl (I really don't know her, she's literally a friend of a friend of my cousin's). Anyhoo, this girl apparently liked my house so much, she bought one righ tin my neighborhood. She asked my cousin to invite me to her party tonight. I don't know if I am entirely in the partying and mingling mood but, I AM tired of being in the house. The party doesn't start until about 10 so I have a few more hours to decide if I want to go or not.

For years, I have met some fucked up guys who have wanted to spend loads of time with me, but now that I've met someone that I actually WANT to spend time with, he never seems to have time or doesn't want to make time for me. I am angry at myself for being a weak woman. I am angry at myself for feeling as though I need to take someone with me to this stupid wedding. I am angry at myself for selling me so short. I am angry at myself for so many reasons. Angry for accepting so little, angry for selling myself short, angry for making myself so available in the past, angry for always willing to give up pieces of myself to make something work, I am angry for being so willing to forgive and accept time and time again. I am supposed to be strong, I am supposed to be independent and free. I am supposed to know what I am worth, I am supposed to be able to make it on my own. I am not supposed to be this: sad, lonely and weak. I hate those parts of myself. I hate that I love someone who is not here and who is such an asshole to me.

Uggh! It isn't even my wedding and I'm dreading it.

My cousin is getting married next Saturday. Actually, that isn't true. My cousin is ALREADY married and is having a WEDDING next Saturday. Why is she having a wedding if she's already married you might ask. I'm not really sure, I can't answer that one for you. Any way my cousin is having a wedding which apparently anyone who has ever laid eyes on her or even blinked in her direction is invited to, that is to say, EVERYONE will be there. I am not really looking forward to this wedding. My immediate family, my mom, brother, and one of my sisters (actually, I have another brother but he's more like my half brother since he is from my dad's first short lived marriage but I don't talk to him much and see him even less which is why I always never really mention him as being my brother even though he technically is) is okay. (My other sister is a dillweed but that's an entirely different story). It's my extended family that is a problem. My mom has four sisters who we all call rather unimagintively (spelling?) The Sisters. The Sisters have between them about 30 children, most of who have some serious issues. I mean on paper, my family is cool, most are college and higher graduates, have great/good jobs, wives/husbands/children and houses and are law abiding citizens (note I said MOST, we do have a few alchies, druggies and no goodies among the mix) but in person, these folks are nuts. I HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE getting together with The Sister's children, excluding the children brought into the world by my mother of course. Actually, that isn't entirely true either. Out of the 30 or so of us, I regularly speak to two, my cousins T and T who I refer to, (Her Holiness, the pregnant one and the more frequently mentioned currently not pregnant one). Then there are about four that are okay but whom I really don't speak to often for no particular reason (maybe because they are a lot older) and the rest are nuts. At this wedding next week, I can almost guarantee any of the following will happen (this guarantee is based on past experience and though will likely happen, is not entirely certain to occur)

#1 Someone will get drunk and curse his/her mother/father/uncle/aunt/sister/brother/significant other/child and or date out. This will happen either in the middle of the reception when everyone is seemingly enjoying themselves or as everyone is getting ready to go home. On rare occassions, it has occurred during BOTH times.

#2 Someone will find out some deep dark family secret, it will spread through the entire family and then someone will cry. Family secrets exposed in the past (I'm not making this up): (note that the exclamation point at the end is added to lend to the element of surprise associated with finding out about said deep dark family secret).

a) ____________ (Insert name) is not your mother!
b) ____________ (Insert name) is not your father!
c) ____________ (Insert name) IS your mother!
d) ____________ (Insert name) IS your father!
e) ____________ (Insert name) your father/mother STOLE that money/was a drug dealer/bootlegger, etc. ! (meaning your family fortune was acquired through less desirable ways then say the family store that you believed said wealth was to have come from)
f) ____________ (Insert name) you're adopted!
g) ____________ (Insert name) you're not your mother's/father's first born _______ is. (Sometimes the actual first born will also be present lending to a spectacular family reunion)
h) ____________ (Insert name) your mother/father/uncle/ mama's friend SPENT that money! (meaning your inheritance has quickly plummeted to zero, guess you won't be retiring in two years after all and say bye bye to that second weekend home!)

Various other secrets beyond my comprehension and realm of thought at this time are likely to come out.


#3 Someone will get beat up. There is a very small and oft forgotten about sect of my family that didn't go to college (or high school for that matter) and didn't learn basic etiquette. This sect will invariably get up, scream, shout, fight, and curse out anyone who looks at them weird, steps on their shoes, dances with "their woman/man" or gives them one less meatball/chicken breast/napkin then anyone else. Often under the influence of alcohol, someone will suffer at their hands.

#4 Something will get stolen. This same sect (see above) often feel that since you (not being of their sect) have something they don't you can as they put it "afford it" meaning you can afford to lose it. Many a camcorder/camera/pocketbook/lipstick/compact have been lost and never recovered around these people. It has never been proven that they were indeed the culprits but let's just say things don't disappear when they aren't around.

#5 Someone will get kicked out. (see #'s 3 and 4) As a result of their behavior, someone usually gets kicked out.

#6 Someone will feel slighted and run off into the night balling his/hers eyes out. This happens more often than not. Example:

Invited Family Member: Aunt Lillie's table has three flowers in their centerpiece and ours only has two

Family Member Who Organized Event: Every other table is like that. It's meant to be asthetically pleasing.

IFM: Why my table gotta be the steckilly (or some other ruining of the word) table?! You always like they family more than mine.

FMWOE: That isn't true, we just wanted it to look nice, it's done for balance more than anything.

IFM: Uh, uh. Y'all always be doing that shit! Like we ain' good enough for y'all. We tired that shit. Y'all uppity.

FMWOE: I'm sorry you feel that way. It was really just a random thing we didn't purposefully put the two flower centerpiece on your table. It's just a decoration.

IFM: My famlee ain't gotta take this shit, we leavin'. (Crying family members proceed to run out of the door, threatening people and vowing never to come to another family event ever sometimes table and chairs are tossed about in the melee but more often, middle fingers are the only things being tossed about)


So, you can see why I'm not looking forward to such an event. That and I'm really not in the mood to hear:
"you got fat",
"you gettin' BIG girl",
"when YOU gon' have a baby?",
"this yo' man?",
"where yo' babies girl?",
"you ain' gettin' no younga baby, what cho (you) waitin' on?"
"babies don' grow on trees you kno'"
"you STILL livin' OVER THERE by YO' SELF?" (mind you "over there" is a three story, three bedroom, two bathroom house with a eat in kitchen, dining room, finished basement, two yards and $1,500 a month in rent from tenants, but hey I'm BY MY SELF! the horror!)
"pretty girl like you? where yo' husband?"
"you STILL a TEACHER?" (as in, MY son's a lawyer, or MY daughter's a doctor or why aren't you Super Intendent of NYC public schools yet loser?)

My brother and I have been discussing it for weeks and today, I will prep Mysterious Ex. I guess I'm as ready as I'm going to be.

Why am I so greedy?

Eaten Today:
A bunch of shit

Exercise: Walked about three miles

Bought: Contact fluid, herb plants

Hours on Phone: a little more than one

Resumes: none (not sure if I am going to send out any more

So, after a week of not eating, I decided today to "treat" myself. I bought a bunch of my favorite bad foods and then proceeded to wash them down with a milkshake. What a horrible, horrible, terrible idea. I have been in and out of the bathroom all night. On top of that, I don't think my body likes that kind of food anymore. Instead of feeling like, "wow, that was good!" I feel more along the lines of "what the fuck did I just do to myself?" Needless to say, I think this will be my last pig out session for a long, long time. Not eating or rather eating very little is not as bad as it seems. I do miss my peanut butter everything cookies, and I definitely miss the smell of having something baking in the oven, but I got so sick tonight, I'd rather miss my cookies then have my head and butt in the toilet because of them.

I went to the gyn o today because I've ben having these weird pains in my uterus. my symptoms were very much like endometriosis, spinning me into weird infertility thoughts, it turns out I have fibroids which while not the greatest thing to have, are definitely better than having endometriosis. I told Mysterious Ex I was sad yesterday and not really feeling well and he rushed right over, he basically stole his cousins car so that he could get here. I felt so bad because it has totally been my intention to break up with him because I was so upset but then I think my god, how can I break up with him? How many men would steal a car (even though it belonged to a family member) just to come see if you are doing okay? Plus, I have to go to my cousin's wedding next week so we'll see after that. I'm so flippant at times, that something I don't really like about myself.

The Heavenly One and I had a pretty cool night. We watched movies together, ate a bunch of junk food and then both got sick. Let's just say I'm glad my mom has two bathrooms in her house because there would have been trouble.

Since most of my plants died in the great freeze out/heatwave of '05, I bought some new plants today. It was kind of upsetting because the plants I grew were really cool varieties like zebra, orange, striped, black and purple tomatoes along with some raspberry corn and purple cauliflower and now I'm growing regular run of the mill red tomatoes and white cauliflower. Ah, guess I won't be able to impress the neighbors with my wonderful back yard skills this year. I'm really tired, I've had a long and quite sickly day.

Eaten so far today:
Breakfast: 1 cup of rice krispies, 1/2 cup of milk and 1/2 cup of apple cider (I was very hungry and it only came out to 190 caloires)

So, I know I saw my clavacle last week but now it is almost sticking out the way it used to. I've really only lost a few pounds but it has made a bit of a difference wardrobe wise. I had a pimple like a huge, fat, mosquito bite sized pimple in the little pocket behind my knee (whatever that is called) how something like that gets back there anyway, I'm not sure but there it was, shiny and gross and white. needless to say, I popped it and it was really, really gross. The weird thing about it was I didn't feel it or see it until like yesterday right before I performed minor surgery on myself. Ewwww, gross pimple thingy.

I have decided to have a long talk/possibly ending things with Mysterious Ex. I've mad index cards and everything summarizing all of the points I'd like to address so that I don't forget anything. I think I was too emotional to speak directly about it to him the other day so now, I am ready. I think. I hope.

Samson and I need to get out more often. We walk regularly and of course we are always going over to THO's house but this morning we were outside and this older lady across the street calls me across the street. I've known this lady since I was like 6. She tells me, "Child, I thought you moved, I haven't seen you in so long". I told her, "No, I live here, I've been here steadily for the last couple of years." She then says, "then you need to get out here more often, look how BIG you've gotten". My answer, as truly I can only answer an elderly woman who has been friends with my parent's for 30+ years was, "Okay". I can't even bring myself to think mean thoughts about her though I must admit I was more amused than hurt. Actually, I don't think I was hurt at all.

Day 6 and 9 Pounds Lighter

How does one lose 3 pounds in a day? I'm not sure, I was trying to figure that out myself. I know that I put on a skirt I wasn't able to wear last year, and I know that the capri pants I had on today didn't fit this well two weeks ago. I was actually very afraid at the three pounds in a day weight loss thing. The Heavenly One thinks maybe I didn't read the scale properly yesterday or that the heat had something to do with the scale not functioning properly. Who knows.

Today's shopping trip was not as bad as I thought it would be. THO bought me a skirt that I LOVE and would definitely not hav ebought myself because frankly, my pockets are not as deep as hers. It is lovely and like any impatient person, I want to go out tonight and wear it. THO and I didn't go out to luch today. We shopped so long that we didn't really have time. My mom asked her car (yes my mother has a car, it bugs me out at times) to pick us up three hours after we started shopping and she didn't have her driver's cell number so, we went back to her house where I laid on the couch, she gossiped with her sisters on the phone, I drank apple cider and Sam and I hung out in her yard. As a side note, my mom's yard is so much nicer than mine, I've always known but today it really struck me. She has patio furniture and I have dirt, she has a nice grill and I have dirt, she has beautiful flagstone and I have dirt. I've used my yard in the past to garden but this year the only thing that hasn't died is my garlic and my green beans.

I thought The Heavenly One my be a bit sad since today is the anniversary of my dad's death and tomorrow is her wedding anniversary but she seemed fine. I thought I might take her to dinner tomorrow or at the very least cook for her but she mentioned that it wasn't something she was interested in doing. My brother may want to do something at the spur of the moment for her so I will give him a call tonight.

I haven't heard the visiting grandchildren since I've been home. I was hoping maybe they went home or possibly off the visit some other relatives, I guess I'll have to wait until around dinner time in order to see.

I spoke to Mysterious Ex today even though I really didn't want to. While I was speaking to him, I just kept thinking, "What am I doing?", "Why am I putting myself through this?" I just wasn't in the mood to be bothered with him really. He drives his cousin's or his friend's car to work almost daily, on the days that he himself doesn't drive, someone picks him up. Anyway, on the days that he does drive, he makes no effort to spend time with me. I am not going to ask him to come see me or spend time with me, if that is something that he wants to do then that is something that he is going to have to do. He lives on the Island which as I said is over an hour away from me but, if he has permission to drive whoever's car back and forth to work, why doesn't he get or ask for permission to bring the vehicle near my house? He was a bit upset while we were on the phone because he tells me that I sounded bothered and that I was conversing with him in one word answers. I wanted to say, "Because you get on my fucking nerves and I'm tired of your bullshit", but of course I didn't. He then got very upset over this conversation:

Mysterious Ex: "What are you doing tomorrow?"

Me: "I don't know"

Mysterious Ex: "You don't know?"

Me:"No"

Mysterious Ex: "Do you want to go out tomorrow?"

Me: "I don't know"

Mysterious Ex: "You don't know?"

Me: "No, it depends on how I feel tomorrow I guess"

Mysterious Ex: "You're not going to feel well tomorrow?"

Me: "I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow, I might not be alive tomorrow"

Mysterious Ex: "Oh". "So you don't know if you want to go out?"

Me: "No"

Mysterious Ex: (quiet for a very long time and I know he was getting upset) "I'm going to go now"

Me: "Okay"

We hang up.

Now, what the fuck? He thinks that because he suggests we do something after not seeing me for all of this time and running and addressing every other need and every other person in his life that I am supposed to just jump for joy? "Oh yes Mysterious Ex, I am so glad that you took the time out of your busy schedule to find an evening for me. What joy! What an honor! God bless you for bestowing your time on me!" I mean give me a fucking break. Even asshole New Guy spent more time with me. I mean my God. We discussed this in depth, we talked about this before we tried again, I told him this was one of the worst parts of our relationship but like I've said many times before NOTHING HAS CHANGED. As I've said, regardless of the circumstances surrounding the outcome, the outcome is still the same. He tells me, "I don't have a car right now". No shit Sherlock but when you DID have a car guess what?, Same shit. The same shit happened in June of 2004 that is going on right now. I mean, I have been patient, I have been understanding, I have waited like a "good girlfriend" and everything is still the same. Now because you go, "Let's go out", I'm supposed to jump up, throw on my Sunday best, forget my feelings and trot out the door with you? You've got to be kidding me.