I've lost 23 pounds so far. Four inches off my waist so hopefully, I'll be back to normal soon.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I've been speaking to Myseterious Ex again. I know that I shouldn't talk to him but, I love him, I do and that complicates matters a lot. He kept saying he wanted to see me, I told him no over and over and over again but he went on and on about it, saying how much he missed me, how much he loved me and thought I was great and so eventually, I broke down. Tuesday was his birthday so, I told him I would bake him a cake. He tells me, "I would love that but unfortunately, I'm going to be in Jersey all day that day". Which leads right back into me thinking he is a liar. I mean literally for weeks he's all, "I love you", "You're the closest thing to perfect in my eyes", "I miss you", "I want to see you", "I want to kiss you", blah, blah and finally I say yes and then it's "Oh, well I'll be in Jersey". SOmething with him just isn't right. I mean, how convenient that he's available seemingly everyday EXCEPT for his birthday. I hate myself so much for even loving him though, I have to ask myself, what exactly is it I love about him because the person that is him, the person that I know, was only very average acting to me. I mean, on paper, he's a great guy but realistically, he's not that good, at least not to me. So, why am I even going through this? Why am I not allowing myself to get over this? Why am I dismissing other men but react so eagerly when he gives me just the slightest bit of attention? I think that I want him to love me the way he says he does. Not I think, I know that's what I want. I asked him this question, which he did not answer, but which I would love to know: If he thinks I'm so great and wonderful, if he loves me so much and wants me so badly, why is he not behaving as though that is the truth? Saying something and doing it are two different things. He says things, and I allow myself to fall for what he says, I allow myself to be swayed by him and I hate myself for that. I know that I'm better than this and Goddess knows that I know I am worth SO much more than this. I'm great. There is no conceit when I say that, I know for sure that I am a wonderful woman, I say that with nothing but honesty. So why, I must ask myself, am I doing this? Why is this so hard for me? Can I honestly believe that I love someone who treats me this way? It's sick.

MD (nice guy I met during my summer classes) called me the other day and invited me to brunch on Sunday. Originally, I told him I couldn't make it, I came up with some excuse or another but tomorrow, I am going to call him and I am going to go out with him. He is a nice guy, he has himself together but, I sit here pining for some man how is doing Goddess even knows what. I'm going to make myself stop. This is ridiculous, I have to move on.

This is the funniest thing I've seen all day!

Oh, it's so late, I'm up and I can't call anyone. This is by far, the funniest thing I've seen all day.

I opted to chop it.

I gathered all of my hair into a ponytail and chopped it off.




The ponytail I chopped off.



After I shaped it up, this is what I am left with:





My very short, but all natural hair.

To Chop, or Not to Chop?

I went natural a while back. I mean permanently natural. I've decided that I will never again use chemicals in my hair, I more than likely will not use heat on my hair either. Here, in lies the problem. My hair, all of my hair currently, is about 16 inches long, only about 4.5 inches of my hair is completely natural, kinky curly. The rest of it is processed and straight. I twisted my hair and have been wearing it like that for the past few weeks since I have two textures upon my head, the straight and the kinky. Tonight, I untwisted my hair and the chemically treated part of my hair, in my eyes, is ugly, it's thin, droopy, I don't like it, and I don't want it. I think I might just chop it all off, go for The Big Chop as it is called. Then, I would be left with a Teeny Weeny Afro. (which looks wonderful on this woman).



But, I'm kind of scared. I've never had hair that short. I think it looks beautiful on many people, I'm just not sure how it's going to look on me. Even in the past, when I've been natural, I've usually had a medium sized to a big ass afro




and now, my afro will be all of 4.5 (or less once I shape it) inches long. I'm afraid of having that little hair. I know that my hair will grow back and more than likely, by the end of the year, I'll have all of my length back but, I'm still scared. To chop or not to chop, that is the question.

Utterly Unbelievable

I have not worked out. Well, I did one day, but only one day. However, I have managed to lose 20 pounds thus far and, I've even had some ice cream. I've decided that February would be the month that I actually start working out. I know that my body will not continue all of this weight shedding on it's own.

Life has been kind of confusing lately. I keep going back on decisions that I've already made. I'm not sure what I should do exactly.

Holding steady at 15 pounds after eating this way for 19 days. I realize all of that was water weight, and now I have to really work to get the rest of the pounds off. The thing is, I'm REALLY lazy. I've been waking up early so that I can get in a good half hour of exercise before I begin my day but mostly I've used the time to lay in bed, give Sam belly rubs and think about what I might make for dinner when I get home. Working out really isn't even hard for me, I'm just SO lazy and really don't want to work out. I'm a sicky.

Mysterious Ex mailed me again, he says he wants to talk about "us", and while I will admit that I am intrigued and interested, I really just can't give in that easily. It isn't that I am playing hard but, I don't think he and I can be a good couple. I love M.E., I think he loves me. Truthfully, if I were to have a "perfect guy" he is it however, our relationship has always been so strained. I don't think it is worth the heart ache. However, M.E. is a very special person but, it's just too much.

My nieces spent the weekend with me this past weekend. It's hard work having kids in the house. I had to make sure they ate, bathed, I had to do their hair, make sure they brush their teeth, make sure they're not burning down my house. Very tiring. The good thing about my nieces is because of Sweet Brother, they are such foodies. I made a grilled chicken salad with balsamic vinigarette, raddichio, arugala, walnuts, apples, tangerined and cherry tomatoes, and they slurped it up like it was hamburger and french fries. They even asked me to make some so that they could take it home. I was actually impressed by their little taste buds. Another funny thing is they wanted to do everything I did. They wanted to me to style their hair like mine, they wanted to wash their faces with the same face cleanser I used instead of the one their mom packed for them. They wanted to use my perfume, my bath products and on occassion, I even saw them mimicking (not in a making fun of way) the way I sit or talk. Very cute. I made them a HUGE breakfast on Sunday consisting of fruit salad, pancakes, sausages, scrambled eggs, cinnamon toast, hot chocolate and orange juice. I invited The Heavenly One over (since she's right up the block) and we had a HUGE feast. I then made them some cinnamon rolls and chocolate chip, walnut, pecan cookies (which I made them take home). Sam had an absolute ball with them and and needless to say, we slept our behinds off when they left. All in all, a pretty good weekend.

Ugh!

Thus far, I have lost about 15 pounds which is cool though admittedly, I need to work out more. I'm pretty lazy, even when I used to exercise regularly, it was something I made myself do and for a semester I taught a yoga class to 4th, and 5th graders so it was like I HAD to work out for 2 hours three afternoons a week because you know, I was the teacher. Anyway, it has been a bit of a struggle to convince myself to work out, the thing is, I KNOW the benefits of working out, I will lose weight faster, I will tone up and not be a flabby, thinner me and I will feel even better than I do now. However, like I said, I am lazy and physical activity beyond shopping or sex just really isn't my forte. It's sad, but, it's true. On a related side note, last night I put on a rather slinky night gown that I haven't worn in a REALLY long time and it fit perfectly, I still can't see how I managed to gain 70 pounds but, I guess the scale doesn't lie. Anyway, I feel really great physically. I no longer feel sluggish, I don't need a nap when I get home from work and my entire body just seems to be working better, not sure if that is true, I just feel really good physically. I've been eating LOTS of fruit and vegetables and like two or three times a week, I eat some chicken or fish. I may cut out the chicken entirely though, since I am a bit scared of the bird flu but, that's an entirely different thing.

I spoke to the former would be father of my possible child to be and told him, right now, though it is something I want to do, we should put off the baby making. This is a huge decision and I want it to feel right. I don't want to rush into becoming a mommy and especially not a single mommy because I am afraid of my tumor. I am afraid of it, believe me, I am scared to death of what it may do to my ability to reproduce in the future but right now, that isn't something that I can really think about. It's like my mind is all over the place. I need to concentrate on one area then another. First things, first, I at least want to get back to my former size before I even consider becoming pregnant, it's just something I feel I need to do.

Work, now is dull as hell, I miss teaching smaller children, I miss being inthe classroom full time. I miss the excitement children have when they learn something new, I miss the children's reacitons when I show them soemthing for the first time or how they feel when they complete their first report, complete their first science experiment on their own. I am going to start looking now for a lower classroom position for next year. Where I am now just isn't gratifying to me, I'm not really happy.

Though physically I feel great, emotionally, I have been a bit upset. I am not sure I feel a real grip on where my life is headed. Everything that I thought I would be doing at this age has not happened. I'm not even in the career I thought I would be in. I've been thinking deeply about a lot of things lately. When I was away ove the weekend, I had a lot of time to think. I've thought maybe I should just sell the house and go live abroad, I love Italy. I lived there for a few months while in college and I could make decent money teaching english and being an associate professor at one of the American universities that have campuses there. I've thought I should try my hand at my own business again. This time, I could do it in addition to working instead of doing it in lieu of working full time. I've thought maybe I should sell my house and move to a smaller city. I'm tired of New York, I've been here all of my life and at this point, it's just boring. I love the museums, the parks, the vibrancy of the city but, it's so big, so impersonal, I think at times I'm ready for a change. Not to mention with the money I could get for this house, I could be a FANTASTICE house somewhere else and still have money left over to invest into a business of my own. I don't think I want to be in education for the rest of my life, it seems to me to be a very dull existence.

Then, there's the relationship, love side of things. Lately, I've been feeling very lonely and have been ignoring the urge to want to call Mysterious Ex. He put it out there and I want to speak to him. He's so comfortable and safe (sort of), and so his reaching out to me has made me want to speak with him though I know it isn't something I should do. Very often it enters into my mind that I don't want to be married or anything. For a long time, since I was an older teenager, I've been in search of a "good man", someone that I could possibly share a life with, have children with, love and who would love me. But as I get older, go through relationships and see people I know in theirs, I don't know if it is something I want to do anymore. It's so time consuming, so hurtful. Almost everyone I know that is married or in a long term relationship is not happy. I don't want to be that way. At this point, I'm not sure if I want to share my living space with anyone. I'm so used to being alone and on my own. I mean, theoretically, yes, that is what I want, the husband, kids, all that jazz. But realistically, is it even possible? I don't wnat to set myself up for disappointment and failure. I will not lie. My breakup with Mysterious Ex still hurts, it's six months later and still, if I think about it, I can cry. Despite the men I've dated after our breakup, I still think of him, of us. Why would I want to put myself through that again. Any sadness that I may feel now pales in comparison to the hurt that I felt when he and I were together. Why would I want to feel that again? So, I'm stuck in this phase, where do I go now, what do I do? What do I want? I'm not sure.

I feel GREAT!

So, in an attempt to lose much needed weight, I have decided to go all natural. I did this while I was in college but truthfully, haven't cared much either way what I put into my mouth as long as it wasn't too gross. So, not only for weight loss, but for over all health, I have cut out refined sugars, flours and food. I gave all of my flour and sugar to The Heavenly One and bought whole wheat flour (which I have yet to use), ane sugar in the raw (which I have used in small quantities in teas and such). I also have bought all organic food, organic unrefined shea butter, cocoa butter and coconut oil for all of my bodily moisturization needs. With the exception of green and herbal teas, the only other thing besides for water that I have been drinking is this orange. mango, apple juice smoothie that I bought from this organic, natural company and even that I water down. I found these great multi grain all natural pretzels (which have become like crack to me) and I've been snacking on these granola bars by Kashi, which are actually very good. I think Gwendolyn Oblivion told me about Kashi cereal. Other than that, I've eaten veggies, fruit, more veggies and some chicken or fish when I feel like being carnivorous.

So, I've had ample amounts of energy lately, Sam and I have been going out a lot, I just need to exercise more (I'm still very lazy when it comes to that). So far, I've lost 10 pounds, and even thought I know that mostly water weight, it feels good to be able to write that. I truly haven't felt this good in a really long time.

So, Mysterious Ex and I exchanged two rounds of emails. He wanted to call me and I basically asked him, "what will we talk about? Please tell me now what it is you feel we need to speak about? What do you have to tell me now that you didn't get the chance to speak with me about in a year and a half and then the six months following that?" He didn't have an answer. His response to me was "you must really hate me now, huh?" My answer to him was, "Please, M.E. you're such a fucking manipulator". That was it. I'm very proud of myself. There was admittedly a small part of me that wanted to speak to him but, really, at this point, what WOULD we talk about? It's just silly, it would be a waste of both our times, not to mention an emotional investment I am not willing to make.

So, I'm going to Philly for the weekend. I rented a villa. I'm going to do a little shopping and a little "hiking".

What the Hell?

Mysterious Ex called me today, 5 times. I didn't answer the phone, (I was here twice when he called), I just looked at the phone. I sent a letter a while back but, it wasn't a please call me, we need to talk letter it was just an, "end of the year get you out of my system so I can move on with my life" kind of letter. I don't want to speak to him. Why is he calling me? I don't think I even want to know why.

Damn!

Today, I decided to start the Weight Watchers point system diet. I tried this like two years ago and lost 32 pounds in seven weeks, so, I've decided to try it again. At the beginngin of the progtam, you have to weigh yourself, take measurements of your body, etc. All things that I didn't really want to do (I haven't gotten on a scale since last year and I mean like this time last year) but, I HAD to. I KNOW that I've gotten fatter, Jesus do I know. Despite running up and down train steps, I still eat, A LOT, I don't exercise any more and I wear two sizes bigger than I used to. So, I figure, two sizes, not too bad right? What could I have gained? 20 pounds? 25 maybe?

WRONG!!!!!! I hate to admit this, but writing this will make it more real for me. I gained 70 SEVENTY pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At first, I got off the scale to check if it was correct (you know, on zero before I get on) and it was. DAMN!!!!!! How the FUCK did this happen and why, oh why, am I only wearing two sizes bigger?!!!

I don't wear my clothes tight, quite to the contrary, my clothes fit tailor well, not too tight, not too big, just like they should. Granted, there are a pair of jeans or 12 that I can't fit anymore, but not by too much, it's not like I can't get them up, I just have a bit of trouble sitting in them all day, and climbing steps, and zippering them closed. But 70?!!!, DAMN!!!! I don't know what else to say. This means, and I HATE to write this, but, this means that I weigh 100 pounds more than I did after I did weight watchers before. That shit is crazy. C R A Z Y.

On the bright side, and Goddess, I'm SEARCHING for a bright side I look pretty good for someone who has gained 100 pounds. I see pictures of myself and though I am obviously bigger than I used to be, I still look cute. My stomach still is not very big, it's still pretty flat actually, and I CAN STILL WEAR LIKE 70% of my clothes. How, I'm not really sure, but I do. So, that's my story. Obviously, I will go back to my old exercise regimine. I won't be happy, it will be hard and I'll probably bitch, moan, cry, complain and be upset A LOT. But, it has to be done because this shit is just RIDICULOUS and, I can't allow this to continue.

Merry Christmas! (I'm glad it's over)

I am tired. Tired, tired, tired. SO tired in fact, that after my guests left, Samson and I slept for about a hour and a half on the LIVING ROOM FLOOR. Well, I guess I should say, I WAS tired. I decided to have Christmas at my house this year. The Heavenly One wasn't really up to it, and my brother had to go to work tonight at 11 so, I decided to take on the task.

I started yesterday with the baking. I made sugar cookies (well actually the dough for sugar cookies has to be made the night before so TECHNICALLY, I started on Friday), which I cut into little Christmas shapes, and some hearts. I baked two Red Velvet Cakes, three cheesecakes, 1 cherry, one chocolate swirl and one sweet potato swirl. I baked an apple pie and a sweet potato pie. We didn't want to do the whole "feast" thing again, like we had for Thanksgiving, so we let my nieces choose the menu. So, as per the the children's request, we had Lasagna, garlic bread, salad, barbecued ribs, sweet and sour chicken and cajun chicken. I also made a Mozarella and tomato salad and had a large asssortment of crudite and chips, pretzels, nuts, etc. My sister in law made banana pudding, (which was VERY good) and carrot cake (didn't have room to taste it) and we ate like HOGS! All in all, it was a pretty good evening though, I had a LOT to do. I had to go to the basement, and find the two leaves to my dining table, clean the house of course (that wasn't so bad since I clean normally) but, the cooking and preparing was the worst. I also had to wrap gifts and look cute for them. I started the day off in 4 inch heels and a black wrap dress, but ended it in flip flops and yoga pants. Samson had a ball with Delilah (my mom's dog) and my nieces, and my cat even came out after a while. Now, my house looks a mess, they did put the food into refrigerator containers but, tomorrow, I will have to wash dishes, and get things back to normal. We had a really good time so, though I am tired, I am happy.

On a nother note, I spoke to Mysterious Ex through email the other day. Actually, we exchanged like 20+ (no exaggeration) emails for like two days. He wants to meet with me, he says he misses me and he wants us to talk. There is a side of me that wants to see him, that wants to talk to him, but last night, as I was lying in bed, I came to the decision that I won't see him. I have been down that road before, I cannot do it again. I love him, yes, I won't say I don't, but, I love me, and I cannot do that to myself. Not again.

You're a Strong Independent Woman

I heard that AGAIN today. I guess in many instances it could be taken as a compliment but, I for one am kind of tired of this namesake. I think that being seen as a "strong independent woman" has some negative conotations. It makes me seem like "the kind of woman who doesn't need (want) a man". I think it gives me the appearance of being forever okay with what is going on in my life. Don't get me wrong, I like my life, I have a good life but, I would like to be in a relationship. I would like the husband and the baby, if that is to exist for me. This "strong independent woman" thing is "keeping" me from being in a relationship, at least a good one. But, I cannot just go and change who I am. I am the person I am, regardless of whether that is seen as strong, independent or whatever other words anyone would use to descirbe me. I cannot change that part of me but, will it be detrimental to my life in love?

Natural

I have decided to go natural. This is not a new thing for me. I have been natural on and of since I was 18. I'll go a year were I don't straighten my hair then I'll have a year of getting my hair permed. I am tired to destroying my hair by making it do what it isn't supposed to naturally do. I don't want to be a slave to a chemical or wear my hair straight because that is the way it is supposed to be. Today, well actually a few weeks ago, I say goodbye to the perm. Good bye perm. Hello Natural.

blah

not much going on. For most of the week, after work, I have been re arranging furniture, throwing out old stuff and putting up the new things that have been arriving daily. With the excepiton of a few things here and there, much of my second floor is done. I still have to put up the canopy around my bed, I am waiting for this huge paintinf that I ordered and for my new dining room chairs. In addition to all of that, I have been converting my cd collection onto my iPod which has been taking a lot of time. Actually, I haven't used my iPod out of the house yet, I'm scared, I know that's crazy, but some kid got killed for one just last year and I'm not in the mood really to die for a toy.

Sam was sick the other day, and so I was up all night wih him, rubbing his belly and singing to him. For some reason, every so often or so, he gets the runs. He's is eating one of the best (and most expensive) foods available but he has this sensitive tummy. I made him some chicken stew with rice and have been giving him yogurt treats. He seems a lot better but, I'm still going to take him to the vet this weekend which should set me back at least a hundred.

Other than those things, not much going on. I haven't done any Christmas shopping as of yet, even though I did buy myself a bunch of crap. I've decided to take Wed., Thurs. and Friday off in order to do some last minute shopping. And because honestly, a lot of my students aren't going to be in school anyway.

I'm so tempted to bake some cookies, but after last weeks three square meals of cookies and this week's too tight to wear jeans incident, I'm going to back off. I began to lose some weight when I started abck to work, but between sitting in the house and eating these grand dinners and sweets I love to make (cooking and baking relax me), I've been putting on the pounds like no one's business. One of the reasons I bought the iPod was so that Sam and I oculd go jogging outside and I could have something to listen to but, like I mentioned, I don't want to get killed over a toy.

OMG!

I totally stole this picture from The Humanity Critic RIP indeed. This is F'ed up.

This morning, for breakfast, I ate cookies and milk, and then for lunch, I ate cookies and milk and then for dinner, I ate cookies and milk. Very unhealthy but, heh, who cares? I'm trying to "get it while I can", but more on that later.

I've been rearranging the furniture in my house for about the last week. Every day after work, I move one thing about two feet in one direction, and then something else about three feet in another direction. Then, I sit for about an hour examing the aesthetic of each piece and how it's position sits in the flow of the room. (Another way of saying, I talk on the phone for about two hours and get too sleepy to finish). Today,I woke up bright and early with the intention of finishing everything today. I would have to say, I am about 65% finished. Still shopping for the new furniture I am going to get. I ordered a bunch of stuff and some of it has come already but, I'm still not finished of course.

I went to a really cool party last week and so now I am thinking about having a party for New Year's. I want it to be really cool, and so I have been trying to put together really cool, eclectic music and a great menu. I definitely want to have a huge party some time next year. Probably a swanky cocktail party and then a big back yard barbeque shin dig. Don't really know how I've been feeling the last few days, just ho hum I guess. Not sad, or happy, just so. I sent that letter off to Mysterious Ex the other day and I haven't regretted it as of yet. I thought I would get a bit nervous or weird feeling about it but, I've been cool. Haven't gone out AT ALL since yesterday. I think Samson and I will go for a big walk tomorrow, stop being such a weird hermit.

The Heavenly One went to a Passion Party at her sister's house tonight. She asked if I wanted to come along I quickly declined. #1 I have all of the "toys" I need and #2 Something skeeved me out about sitting in a room full of 60 year old women and dildos. So, I'm just here, doing nothing. I've decided to become celibate and get back into yoga and meditation, do some introspection. I told Q, (older guy with house in Belize) that I'm not really ready to date, I have some things that I want to sort out with myself. He, being the earthy, meditation prone guy he is, answered, "that's cool, I just did that for the last three years, real clarifying. We'll speak, keep in touch, it's cool." Three years? I don't know if I can do that for that long, but we'll see.

So, as a part of my celibacy/yoga/meditation/enlightenment, I've decided to cut out as much sugar (uggggh!) white flour (uggggggggh!) and high fats (ugggggggh!) as possible. I've done this before but always with much resistance. I always fall off about a month into it. Well see how this goes, again.

I sent the letter. I didn't think about it much of the day, but now that I am home, I feel a bit nervous. Not sure why exactly, but it is just a bit unnerving. I have to think, I feel as though I am doing this for closure's sake, but I hope somewhere deep down, I am not doing this for a response. When M (my ex fiancee) and I broke up some years ago, I sent him a letter a few months after the break up and it felt great to just get rid of that hurt. I feel that is what I am doing with this letter to Mysterious Ex, I hope I am right.

Not much to say

Life has been pretty ordinary. Work is fine. I've recently undertaken some redecoration/ petty renovation projects. I'm redoing my informal living room, bedroom and upstairs bathroom. I'm looking for a new biege couch, a new carpet and some new decor for the living room. My bedroom is getting a new bed, and a new setee or chaise lounge, plus a new table or two and definitely some new plants and lighting in both rooms. My bathroom I guess will have the most work done to it. I'm going to have the ceiling raised, new sink, cabinets and fixtures, new toilet and maybe a new tub/shower. My studio will also have some work done to it but that consists mainly of just new lighting. It's a lot of money and will probably take some time but, I'm bored with the way my house looks, it's time for something different.

I wrote Mysterious Ex a letter but, I've yet to mail it off. It felt good to just write it so, I'm not sure if I'm going to even send it to him, I may have just needed to get those feelings out of me and onto paper.

Desperately anticipating the christmas holiday so I can get a week and a half off. I just haven't really been in the work mood lately, not sure if I'm restless or just plain lazy, just not in the mood to be at work.

I went to a great party this weekend and now I have been inspired to have a party too. I was thinking of having one for New Year's, but, maybe I'll wait until I finish redecorating.

I spoke with Q (older guy with house in Belize), we are supposed to go out tomorrow but, I was speaking with my cousin T and I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't go out with him. Not because I don't like him, I think he's cool but truthfully, I don't feel much like going out with anybody, I just want to chill for a bit and be with myself. Also, I'm not sure what will happen between me and him. We really dug each other before and we stopped seeing one another because he felt he was so much older than me (which truthfully, he is) the thing is, I know I don't automatically have to marry him just because we go out a few times or enjoy one another's company but, there really isn't anywhere for us to go. I will admit that though I might not be trying to get into a relationship now, I would like to be apart of a relationship relationship and that isn't something that I feel he and I can do because, he's SO much older than me. His life is pretty settled, he's made his choices and they thus far have not included a wife or children, I don't think we want the same things out of life.

Spoke with my friend T (girl with the fabulous life but doesn't know it) and she tells me, her husband cheated on her and she was devastated. I admittedly didn't understand this because this is the same woman who cheats on her husband like (no exaggeration) three - five times a month. I just was a bit taken aback that she would go as far as to describe her feelings as that of devastation when she doesn't seem to take her relationship seriously AT ALL. That was a bit strange.

Well, nothing else besides that going on.

You are my friend, I like you but why do you insist on getting on the phone and recounting EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of your VERY boring day? I took the day off, you know this, I want to chill, hang out and do nothing. But, you INSIST on calling me 6,7,8,9 times until I answer the phone. WHY? Why do you do this? If you are my friend, you would leave me alone, you would respect my day off and leave me be, but NO! I have to hear from the time you woke up, to what soap you used, to what you wore to work, it's ridiculous. Leave me alone!

Well

Here I am, a year older and hopefully, a bit wiser. I don't know exactly the mood I've been in lately. I was sad most of last week, okay much of this week, but today, I've been just, blah. Didn't go to work today. Took a shower, then a bath, gave myself a pedicure, took Sam outside, washed some clothes, took out something for dinner (though I've yet to cook it) and layed across the bed reading 'The Cider House Rules' for about the last hour. I guess I'm going through the motions. Of what? I'm not really sure. Think I might stay home tomorrow too, I just feel content where I am and I don't want to ruin this feeling.

I thought alot today about things with Mysterious Ex. I'm tired of dwelling on it for so long. I know that I should be over it by now but my brooding over our break up has shifted gears. No longer am I just sad about the situation as much as I am upset with myself for investing so much time, effort and emotion into it. One part of me wants to write him a letter, I feel that I will feel better if I get some things "off my chest" another part of me thinks it's a lame idea and I'm not really in the mood to do so. I don't know.

The other day, Q called me (the older guy with the house in Belize) and asked me why I haven't called him. He says that he would like to go out with me, he'd like us to reconnect. I told him okay but truthfully, I'm just not in the mood to do any connecting. Right now, I just want to be. I somehow think that it is important for me to just take some time, reflect, gather myself before I make any moves, any decisions. I like him, he's a cool person, I don't want to tangle my mind up with thoughts of him while I am still dealing with the Mysterious Ex/me thing. I think that my rushing into trying to have a baby put those "dealing with my sadness" issue on the back burner. I know that everything we do in life is supposed to teach us a lesson, and I am trying to learn from my experience with M.E.

In other parts of my life, I am completely hooked on LOST.

Though I must admit I am knd of angry at the writers for trying to make EVERY character sympathetic. First it was Shannon who was such a bitch last season, I liked her as a bitch, it was funny and it gave the show some depth. Then we have to find out right before she dies that she was only so mean because her step mother stole her inheritance. Then it was Ana Lucia who obviously is a bit nutty, we have to find out the only reason she's so angry, bitter and murder happy is because some rouge thug shot her and killed her unborn child. Now, #1 I've known women who have lost babies, and it hasn't turned them into trigger happy manical killers. and #2 if Ana Lucia knew she was pregnant, why was she running around being a beat cop? Hasn't she ever heard of desk duty. Then we have to see Kate's story. Last season, Kate was the bad ass. The cute girl with this wild past. She robbed a bank, was on the run and now we find out, she killed her father? Because, she didn't like the fact that he was her dad? Huh? I've also known a person or two whose dads ran out on them. I knew this one girl whose father beat her mom, ran out on them, then married the mother's sister and believe it or not, they moved down the street from the girl and her mother, now if anyone deserves to die, it's that nigger, and miraculously, that girl didn't do anything. The things the characters are starting to do are beginning to seem a little far fetched. I don't know if I'm buying it all.

Some other things that are kind of pissing me off are the others/hatch story line. Are the others supernatural?
Why are they stealing children?
Is the hatch some kind of abandoned goverment experiment?
If they have been on the island for only like 50 days, why is Sayid boo hooing over Shannon like she was his wife?
Why doesn't Mr. Ecko ever answer when people speak to him? I find that shit rude.
Why did Michael sit down to chat on the computer like he was on AOL at home? I wouldn't have answered.
Where is Walt? and why is he always soaking wet when people see him, speaking backwards, but apparently he has internet access?

All of this and about a months worth of repeats to get through. I need a life.

Today's my Birthday!!

Happy Birthday Me!

Depression Becomes Her

I've been in this very bad place for the past few days. I know I shouldn't get this way. I know that I have a good life but every so often, I just get kind of down in the dumps about stuff. I hate to feel that way, but it's the truth.

I dont' think I have the Assistant Principal job. They told me they would get back to me by Friday but I haven't heard from them. I thought I had this too, they seemed so interested and when I went for a tour of the school, the principal said, "I'll take you to YOUR office" but, ah well. The funny thing is, I spent all of the extra money in my head, I thought about how I would redocorate and renovate the downstairs the way I wanted to. So, I've been a bit sad about that.

Also, I've been going through this whole thing where I have been missing Mysterious Ex. I thought I was okay but, I think I'm getting anxious with my birthday coming up. For some reason, I think that I'm going to hear from him on my birthday, and that kind of has me on edge. One side of me wants to hear from him, I want things to progress fromt there, but the other side of me knows that isn't a reality. So, I have done this sad sack thing that I always do. As soon as work was over yesterday, I went shopping and bought a bunch of clothes, which I definitely don't need. Thoguh they were pretty cute. Then I went to the furniture store and bought a bunch of accents, just crap to put on shelves, on tables, and I saw a bed that I might get. I came home and shopped on line and bought a ring, a bracelet and an ipod. Then I went to bed, sad, near tears and upset because I thought about the reasons M.E. and I broke up and realized/always knew they were trivial. Then I went to this really dark place where I am thinking, "I was just a joke to him", " I wasn't significant to him", "He never loved me, he just thougt me to be a game to him, I wasn't important". It really hurt. I have to think, if I were important to him, why would he just give up on us so easily, I know I'm the one who intiated our break up but, he didn't give much resistance. I realize I am not over how things ended with us, I'm not okay with it, I kind of just brushed it out of my mind and now I think it is coming back.

I sat in my house yesterday and I just look at the sheer size of it. It's a huge house, way too big for just me. Just room after room of emptiness. I thought about baby and realize this isn't something I want to do by myself, tumor or no tumor. I'm not saying I'm going to hav ethis perfent happy life, but, I don't want to be a single mother, that isn't something I want to do. Doint so would mean that I'm just giving up, I'm not even going to try to make my life what I want it to be. I became upset again because I think, what else is there? Like, what is the point of life and why am I even in existence? Not in an "I want to kill myself type of way", but just in a "what is the point of it all?" kind of way. It makes me upset at times that I am not as strong as I think I am, that I am not as strong as I claim to be or want to be.

I feel very alone. It isn't the "I need a man" type of alone, I'm not that kind of girl. But, I must admit that I miss that kind of companionship, I miss that type of attention. But, even when M.E. and I were together I felt this way because, I barely saw him. Why is it so difficult for me to be in a decent relationship when almost everyone around me has someone in their life. Almost everyone I know has started their family or is on their way to doing so, and here I am, still alone, still waiting or looking or whatever it is I am doing. Then it makes me think, there must be something wrong with me, or I must not be a good person to be so unlovable, so unwantable. Friends and family tell me I am great, and even men that I meet and date casually, but arent' friends and family supposed to tell you that? And men are just trying to fuck me so of course I am great to them. I feel that I am a good person, anyone I have ever dated has told me I am, so, what is the problem?

I never seem to meet someone that I really like, and when I do, there is something wrong with them. Since I was 17, there have been three men that I have taken seriously, and all three of them had some serious problems so, it makes me think I must have problems too, to be attracted to those kinds of people. What do my choices in men say about me as a person? as a woman? The thing is, I think that I built Mysterious Ex up into this unattainable kind of person. Of course he had faults, but I thought so much of him, I allowed myself to love him in such a way that now, it's like no one else can compare to him. One part of me so badly wants to talk to him, even just to ask why? Why did things end up this way? You claimed to have loved me, but not enough to fight for us? I guess I am not worth that. I don't want to be broken hearted, I don't want to be "stuck"on him, but, I am. I have of course tried dating other people since he and I have broken up but, maybe I'm not ready yet. No one that I meet is as smart, is as funny is as put together, I seem to compare everyone to him. It just bothers me so much, I feel as though I've missed out on something huge in my life. I think it's very rare that someone meets a person who so perfectly fits into their version of "it", where will I meet someone like that again? I've convinced myself that meeting someone like him is not likely. But then again, maybe he was not the person I thought he was. If he were, would I be here now?

So, very early this morning, I woke up and made a bunch of shit to eat. I made sweet potato pancakes, sausages, coffee, eggs and I ate it all. I got in the bed and went back to sleep, slept until noon, let Sam run around the back yard for a while, and now I'm in the bed again laptop in tow, shopping online. I don't want to be in this state, it's stereotypical, it's stupid, but this is how I deal, this is what is comfortable to me when I am hurt and right now, I am hurting.

At this point, I don't know what to do. I guess there isn't much for me to do but just go through it. I wish I were different, I wish I were stronger, but, I'm not, this is just who I am.

So, what do I do? I have seriously thought of just not pursuing a serious relationship anymore, just casually dating and when I am ready to have a child, to just do so because it is obvious that now, I am NOT ready. This way, I would just be single for the rest of my life. I've thought of just getting into a realtionship with the next decent person who wants to be with me but, I know I won't be able to do that, if I'm not into someone, I can't fake it. I've thought of calling M.E. but, I wasn't happy with him with the way things were between us. There's a reason our relationship didn't work. I've thought of calling A again but, I can't do it. I can't be with someone I don't think highly of. I know that I'm young but, in other aspects, in so far as having children and all that jazz, I'm not. I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone right now, that I know but, how long will I be in this heartbroken state? It's been four months, how long will it be before I am okay again?

I'm an asshole, and immature too

I have been dating since I was about 18. Before I met my first serious boyfriend at 18, I of course, went out with a few guys here and there. At the age of 18, when I didn't like a guy for what ever reason, I would just stop talking to him. I would stop calling him and I would no longer take his phone calls. Some guys got it right away, it took others a few weeks and in two cases, several months. The weird thing is, as I've gotten older, (I'll be 28 in two weeks), I do the same thing! What's wrong with me? Why do I do this? I liken myself to be a pretty put together intelligent chick, but, it is hard for me to just say, "hey guy, I don't want to do this, it's not you, it's me, let's just be friends" not me, I just stop talking to the person. I fantasize these long conversations where I am being very adult and discussing the reasons why I and the guy shouldn't see one another, but, I just don't do it.

I'm in the midst of this thing now with A, the guy I was pseudo dating and whom I now consider to be a big idiot. I haven't spoken to him in like 4 four days. I could just call and say, "Hey, A, I made a mistake, maybe we shouldn't pseudo date, I don't like you, you're an bigoted idiot". or, I could just say. "A, this really isn't working out, I think you're a nice person, I just don't think we click". That would be the cool adult thing to do, but, obviously, I'm neither cool nor adult. The funny thing is, every so often, some guy calls me out on my bullshit. I kind of feel bad for the three minutes it takes me to listen to their messages, and sometimes for about four minutes after that, but all in all, I don't really care. The VERY strange thing about it is, that was the way Mysterious Ex handled things, to just stop talking to me, and I HATED that shit. HATED, HATED, HATED. So, why would I do this to other people? I'm not sure really. Maybe I'm afraid of confrontation, maybe I'm just an asshole.



I have that interview tomorrow for the AP position. I guess I'm pulling out the big guns. I have all of my excellent evaluations, my reports from the teacher training I've done, my classroom management program (which can easily be modified for school wide use), reports from all of the after school programs I've been a part of (2 of them being under my direction), I've gone over my educational theories, my discipline tactics, I've pulled out my crispest, most expensive interview outfit (crossing my fingers, legs, toes and eyes that it still fits) and I hope it all works. Looking through my things, I seem to be a pretty proficient person, at least career wise, kind of makes me wonder why I don't use those same tactics in my personal life.

Since I sat on my fat ass shopping on line for half the day yesterday, like some kind of idiot, Sam and I are going for a brisk walk in the park to try and burn off at least some of the three donuts I ate yesterday.

Such an Idiot! and WooHoo, a job offer!

I just got off of the phone with A, the guy that I have been psuedo dating and I don't like him anymore, this dude is a total idiot. First off, he calls me, we exchange normal pleasantries and he goes, "Hold on, I want to hear this". He comes back tothe phone so I say, "what happened?" He says, "nothing, they were saying there was a bias attack and I thought some black guy got beat up, but it's just some gay dude." I of course go, "and that's okay? Is that what you are saying?" He says, "no, but it's not really that big of a deal". "What!" I say, "it isn't cool if the guy is Black but because he's gay it's fine, that's some bullshit." I guess he was taken a back by my pro gayness and he actually tells me "what, are you defending THEM?" WTF?! This dude is a straight idiot, I HATE him. I go on to ask him if he feels it's okay for a white, asian, latino, woman, arab, indian person to be beat up purely because they are what they are, he goes "of course not, why do you have to pull apart what I'm saying, what's up with that?" I really just kind of get angry and disinterested so I pull back, I've labeled him an idiot so, I don't say much. I then turn on the news (a different channel then he was watching) and they are talking about the attack, it occurred on Christopher and Stonewall Streets, right in the middle of the Village which is known as a very "gay" area. I'm actually shocked that someone would attack someone for being gay there, it's like a Black guy being beat up for being Black, in Harlem of all places, so I go, "they went to the Village and did it! What nerve!" he then responds, and I QUOTE, "Well, if you want to go beat up some gay people, I guess that's where you should go, there are wall to wall HOMOS in the city". WTF IS UP WITH THIS GUY?! At this point, I want to curse him out or tell him to go fuck himself but instead, I just sit there because I'm angry, he's an idiot, and I don't want to make the problem any worse.

He then goes on to speak about how he didn't vote today because he didn't like Bloomberg as a candidate and he didn't like Ferrer's "attitude" he said, and I QUOTE, "he was speaking too much to "the" Puerto Ricans, we need a good Black candidate." Now, I'm really angry, I'm not at all against a Black candidate, but I'm not for one based purely on the fact that the nigger is Black either, ie. Larry Elder, Condaleeza Rice, Alan Keyes etc. So of course I tell him, "what's wrong with you? are you serious?" I then shut completely up, there isn't anyway I'm going to sit here and converse with this idiot. Goddess I HATE him now.

So, through nepotism, I have been offered a job. It is as Interim Acting Assistant Principal of Lower Grades (grades K -3) at a small elementary school on the other side of Brooklyn. Now, here are the good points:

#1 It's in Brooklyn, I would only have to take one bus there instead of 2 trains and a bus, this bus would let me out in front of the school, no more walking up hills and up six flights of steps

#2 It's more pay, woo hoo, like 15,000 more, that kicks ass

#3 It's great experience, I want to be a principal eventually (within the next 3 - 5 years) this would be WONDERFUL

#4 It's elementary, I LOVE elementary. Kids don't usually bring guns to school yet and I won't have to spend my days arguing with 6'5" 400 pound 17 year old boys on why it isn't correct to hit other student's in the head with desks

#5 It's in Brooklyn, I would only have to take one bus there instead of 2 trains and a bus, this bus would let me out in front of the school, no more walking up hills and up six flights of steps

Here are the bad points:

#1 I don't know if I'm ready to become as Assistant Principal. I have most of the needed credits but, I'll admit, I don't have all of my credentials (this has btw, never stopped anyone before) this happens a lot

#2 Because of #1, I will be Interim Acting AP, which means if they don't like me or feel I'm not doing a good enough job, I will be "let go"

#3 If that happens, I'll be unemployed, (again)

#4 Who am I to think I can be Assistant Principa?, I'm a little kid in that world, everyone will know I'm a kid, will they treat me that way?

#5 Without my 2 trains, bus, hill and 6 flights up steps, I might have to go to the gym (ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!)

I might accept the nomination, who knows. I have a week to decide and two weeks after that to find out whether or not I get it. Here's mud in my eye.

Blah

Didn't go to work today, didn't much feel like it. I woke up, took a shower then got back in the bed, it was just one of those days. Funny thing is, my cousin T called (after she said she called my office) and she was home too, it really was one of those days. THO and I are going to Sweet Brother's house tonight. He's doing a Cajun style dinner so he's making gumbo and shrimp creole, I'm making dirty rice, peanut butter pralines and beignets and THO is bringing French Vanilla ice cream. We were going to make Mississippi Mudslides, but couldn't agree on whether that is truly a Cajun drink or not.

After cooking all of that stuff, I was cleaning the kitchen and I got very sad. So much so that my niece (who is all of 12) called me during my sadness and the first thing she asked after I said "Hello" was "what's wrong Auntie?" I was a little taken aback because I didn't know what she meant, so I asked "what do you mean Sweetie?" she answered, "You sound so sad." I was just thinking and I HATE to sound sorry for my self knowing all of the for lack of a better word, badness that occurrs in people's lives everyday. I mean, I woke up this morning, I am helathy, I have a great family, well most of them, who are healthy and alive, I have a decent job that pays well and I have a pretty nice place to live. I am no where next to starving, I live a pretty good life, what do I have to complain about? But, I thought about how much of what I thought I would do or accomplish by now has not really panned out. I at times feel a bit slouchy, thinking that I have not accomplished all that I have set out to do. I sometimes think that I am in a position where I will more than likely not get married anytime soon and as days go by, I have less and less chance of having a baby. It's funny how it can just all come to me at once, like, before I thought of this, I was in pretty good spirits and then bam, it just brings me down.

While I am fully aware of the fact that I have so many great things hapening in my life and I have so many things to be grateful for, it does admittedly get me down every so often.

I've always likened myself to be the kind of woman who was very independent. Actually, A (the guy I started psuedo dating again) told me the other day, that I was different from most women that he has dated for the simple fact that I don't seem as though I "need" him. But the other day, I was lying in bed with Sam reading and I thought, if only for a second, am I going to always sleep alone? Is this going to be my life? I mean, not at all that it is a scary situation, it just seems so finite like "this is it".

I have been pseudo dating A (more of just a distraction to the whole baby thing for me) and I think, is it that I am constantly looking for the wrong kind of guy? I mean, Mysterious Ex was the right kind of guy on paper. He is educated, owns his own place, has a good job is paid well, he's very "with it", suave, funny, up- wardly mobile, he's cultured, the kind of person that I feel compliments me well. But, in all other aspects, he was not good for me. A is a nice guy, and we seem to have a lot of things in common. When we dated a few years ago, I thought he was really nice, he alwys had time for me, as he does now, he was really a sweet guy who claims to be looking for "a good woman" (his words) but, he doesn't have a degree though he is quite intelligent, he has an okay job, one without much growth, he rents a teeny, tiny studio which he has been living in since I first met him about 4 years ago, and he's a bit rough around the edges, ex. he came to my house last weekend for dinner EMPTY HANDED, he didn't even ask IF he should bring anything. All the times that I've seen him (4) he has been wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. While at my house last weekend, he called a martini glass a wine glass, something that bothered me and, he wiped his hands on one of my decorative bath towels. Oh, and he ate chicken breast with his fingers. All of those things to me are ewwwwww factors.

I know that those things are superficial and do not mean a whole lot in the scheme of things. I know that the person that one will end up with probably won't be the type of person you have in mind but, how much compromising should one do?

I have been in this very weird place for the last few days. As I am getting closer and closer to the time where I should seriously be preparing for Baby, I honestly think, do I want to do this? Do I want to be a singel mother? What about me? Should I finish the principal trainging program and possible miss out on the opportunity to have a child? Am I in a good enough place to bring a child into this world? Will I make a good mother? Will having this child mean that I am admitting defeat to the fact that my life will be NOTHING as I have planned it? WIll I be able to have some semblence of the life I want with a child in tow? Will I be fair to the baby? Will I regret my decision? Is this something that I honestly want to do right now? Does every one have doubts like this? How do I know if I am just nervous or if I am seriously in doubt? It hurts a lot to even consider doing this outside of a marriage. This is something I thought I would never do. I am near tears a lot just thinking about this.

I have to get dressed, it's getting late.

To the Anonymous Comment

The reason that I can call one of my students a doofus is because:

I am a dean of discipline in an alternative school for students who have been kicked out of "regular" schools for their CONTROLLABLE behavior. The students who attend my school are plain and simply BAD. Some of them have brought guns and knives to school, beat up teachers and other students, which is why they have been sent to my school. The school I work in is a last resort for many of these students who often have little or no credits towards graduation. If read properly, I am calling them a doofus because of their BEHAVIOR, not their learning ability.

Leave a comment with your name next time.

7 Whole Days and Not a Word From Me

Not really much has been going on lately. Work is blah, everything else is copacetect (sp?). I've been kind of busy lately, I've been dating, running my mouth on the phone, etc. My doctor called me the other day, she would like me to come in next week because she has come across this drug that may be able to help with my tumors which would be great. I spoke to the father of my child and I think that we will hold off for a bit just to see how things will go. I want to have a child, but not like this. I've always thought of myself as being married, in the big house, etc. before I started pushing out some kids. If nothing can be done to help me, that's fine, I'll just continue with my plans.

So, Q (the older guy with the house in Belize) invited me to go to the Bahamas next weekend. Should I go? I don't know. I've never been to the Bahamas, at the very least, it would be a cool experience. Then I wonder, does he expect us to go as a psuedo couple? Is he expecting me to have sex with him if I go? Truthfully, I think hes cool, but that isn't something I'm looking to get into at this point. I have so much going on with just figuring things out with the baby, I can't entertain the notion of having "a man" or man like person in my life also. The dating here and there is fine, it's fun, there isn't anything serious coming out of it or expected of me.

I also went out with A (really nice guy I wasn't attracted to). He's SO sweet and actually, as an older woman than I was when we first met, I can appreciate him more as a person but, I'm still not attracted to him. He's nice, he's smart, he's cool to hang around but, I have absolutely no attraction to him what so ever. He's just not my "type" I guess.

My job gets very boring at times. I thought I would like the idea of not reallly having to do much work, but it gets irritating. It's like, and I would NEVER say this at work least they take my job away. That school doesn't really need a dean like person. There are a few bad asses here and there, but for the most part, those kids are okay. I kind of walk around the school, I scare kids into running faster to their classes and thats pretty much it. Every once in a while, some doofus acts a fool but that is usually cured with a call home and the taking away of a free period or two.

Sam and I went to the park today. It's starting to get cold here in the city, I had to bundle him up in his little sweater this evening. I guess I'll go scrape together some dinner or call THO to see what she's made.

Sam's New Haircut

I can't believe she woke me up for this shit.




Picture of Sam looking possessed.

I ate so much shit today, nothing nutritious. In no particular order, this is what I ate today. (I was feeling VERY piggy). Donut, orange, pear, banana, another donut, potato chips, grilled cheese sandwich, twix, snickers, another donut, juice, more candy and another donut. What the hell is wrong with me?

Today is Love Your Body Day

and not that I'm particularly very observant about it because truthfully, I forgot about it until like 6 or so this evening but, just thought I would mention it.

Feeling a little down lately, about nothing in particular, I decided to go all out this morning when getting dressed. Now, I'm no slouch, I usually look pretty damn good when I leave the house but today, I don't know, I just felt, FABULOUS. So, I wore this great silk kimono shirt that I have it's very mod with swirls of pinks, browns, neutrals with tiny little gold flecks, I wore my ultra push up bra and these great long brown slacks, I then pulled out the pink 4 inch Jimmy Choo like shoes (it was like 71 degrees today) and my hair and make up were impeccable, I wore this great huge gold locket that belonged to my grandmother and I wore my slouchy goldish Dooney and Burke bag, needless to say, I looked absolutely fabulous and I felt fucking fantastic. So all day people were telling me, you look great, you're so pretty, you're beautiful, it was wonderful, mind you I wasn't doing any of this specifically for attention but, that doesn't hurt sometimes. The funniest part of the day was after work I went to the bank and there was this guy there, actually, a really good looking guy that I was kind of eyeballing. As he is walking to get on line, he just stares at me and literally goes "wow" then, not watching where he was going, he tripped over the division rope that ensures everyone stays in a single file, it was quite funny.

I felt so wonderful today that I decided to call some ex guys. Not real boyfriends, just nice guys that I've dated in the past and stopped seeing for one reason or another. The first was this guy, A, who was always very sweet to me but at the time, I just wasn't into him. He and I dated for like a month and then, pttt, I stopped calling him, stopped taking his calls, it was childish, but I just didn't want him. But I had to admit, he was a really great guy, he and I are going out on Friday.

Then, I called Q who I ADROED. He was/is a GREAT guy but, he's a bit older than me so during the midst of our dating he tells me "I really, really, really like you, but, I'm too old for you, I feel like I'm stealing your youth". We spoke a few times after that and he called me like once a year for the past few years, but we never really went out again. He said he was really happy to hear from me he's thought about calling me before but, he heard about me and Mysterious Ex, getting "deep" (his words). He wanted to go out on Friday but, I told him we could get together Saturday. The really cool part about talking to him was, he is always on some adventure, he's always good for a wonderful story. The guy isn't super rich, but he's done nicely for himself, he's always traveling around the world going here and there, so he tells me, "guess what?" of course I go, "what?" he goes, "I bought a house in Belize". Thats cool and exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. I mean, who buys a house in Belize? (except of course for Belizians?) I thought that was pretty cool. So he goes, great, you can come to Belize with me over the school winter break (he also works for the NYC school system).

Then I called K, who was a GREAT guy. He was very sweet and really nice but I didn't like him because he asked me, while looking at a Gustav Klimt print (I have a LOT of art (paintings, drawings, sculpture, etc of differnet mediums, most of it mine but a lot from friends of mine) ALL around my house) and I quote "what kind of art that be?" Um, what? That was REALLY a turn off I mean, could he have slaughtered the English language further. But, other than that excusable(?) faux pas, he was very nice. He and I spoke and we are going out on Sunday. Then Monday, I am supposed to go out with the father of my child.

So, I guess I'll have a very full weekend.

Today, I was very upset over this entire tumor thing. I wish it weren't so big, I wish this was something I didn't have to deal with right now. I know that there are people all across this earth suffering, hurting, unhappy and that really, I have no right to complain about what is really a minor thing but, I just wish things were different.

How I Spent My Saturday Morning

You Are Strawberry Ice Cream

A bit shy and sensitive, you are sweet to the core. You often find yourself on the outside looking in. Insightful and pensive, you really understand how the world works. You are most compatible with chocolate chip ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

You Are 80% Weird

You're more than quirky, you're downright strange. But you're also strangely compelling, like a cult leader.

How Weird Are You?

Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest: You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you. At Your Lowest: You require a lot of attention and praise. In Love: You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are. How You're Attractive: You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic. Your Eternal Question: "Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

What's Your Power Color?

Your Personality Profile

You are dignified, spiritual, and wise. Always unsatisfied, you constantly try to better yourself. You are also a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books. You tend to be philosophical, looking for the big picture in life. You dream of inner peace for yourself, your friends, and the world. A good friend, you always give of yourself first.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Blah

It's been raining and raining and raining here. It's cold, windy, such a blah week. I went shopping today to cheer myself up. I know I'm not supposed to do that, I know I'm supposed to stick to my budget but, I only bought things on sale, with the exception of this jacket that I ADORED. It was the only one left in my size so I bought it. The rest of the stuff was in clearance so I bought some really great tanks, some new panties and a few new bras. I also got a little lingerie since I'm really girly and like to feel pretty after a great shower before bed. Plus, I'm trying to buy pieces that are cute and will last me through at least the first few months of pregnancy since I really don't like "maternity" clothes and really, really, really don't like maternity clothes made for fat chicks, ewwwww.

I spoke with the father of my child who I actually forgot was such a great guy. It's like whenever we've spoken or hung out, I'm all, FOMC is SO great, why didn't I ever date him? I'm not "liking" him liking him but in my humble opinion, he is a great choice for the father of my child, I think I chose wisely.

I just came back from THO's house. It has been our ritual I guess for a bit of time to hang out together on Friday or Saturday night. It's cool but my mom and I get together and we are like little kids. When I eat alone, I eat things like chicken salad, fish, veggies and rice, I still like to bake but, I've been curtailing my baked goods intake as well as too much munchy, fatty, sugary kind of foods especailly for the baby. THO will tell me, I'm eating salad and fish tonight or, I'm going to have some grilled chicken and veggies, but, when THO and I get together, we start making cheeseburgers, french fries, eating ice cream. It's sick. I don't know what it is. Tonight, we had cheese turkey burgers, waffle fries, soda then for dessert, we had ice cream a (ewwwww) store bought chocolate chip cookies. What's up with that?

I felt a wee bit sad for a wee bit of time tonight. I called my friend C, my and he was out on a date. I was so shocked, he's always complaining about this woman or that one and talking about how he's NEVER going out anymore, which he usually doesn't so I figure, hey, it's raining, let me see what C is up to, and he's on a date. So I called my friend K out in Chicago who's always good for a long Friday night chat since he and his girlfriend broke up and guess what? She's over there. So I ask him, are you two getting back together? and in typical man fashion he answers "nah, it's not like that, you know, we just chillin'", okay. My cousin T had to go to bed early because she has a test in the morning (for a job promotion) and my friend T has a class in the morning so she's in bed. THO was tired, she went to the doctor like 8 this morning and FOMC is going to the Million More Movement (very proud of him for that) tomorrow so I have no one to talk to really. I am by myself which I normally don't mind, I'm not the lonely type, but tonight Ijust feel alone. I guess I could watch a movie or something since I'm not tired at all, Sam and I slept for like 2 hours this afternoon.

Not much else is going on. I'm tired of the rain. Work is fine, Sam and I take a nap everyday after work. Nothing big or significant.

Why am I such a kid?

I'm angry at myself. I do VERY stupid things. Childish and unwarranted. I am better than this. I know that I am but I can't seem to help myself sometimes. I'll be going along just fine and then BAM! I have to do something stupid. Today, I sent out the confessionary mail to my friends just like a play around thing that someone sent me and so I forwarded. It's confessing stuff that I have done while in a relationship or what I really thought about someone I was in a relationship with. One part of the mail was about Mysterious Ex, it's very mean and not very nice at all but hey, it's the truth right? So, I cannot be satisfied with just writing it and sending it to my friends, no, not crazy me, I have to send it to him to. To seem as though I "accidentally" sent it. I mentioned that fact that I'm expecting too. Why do I do this? There is really no reason at all that I should send this, it's just to hurt his feelings and make him feel bad, that's very childish and quite unecesarry. But, I did it anyway. One part of me says fuck it, he's hurt you why can't you do the same? The other part of me knows it isn't right. But the real question is, do I really even care? It's just so stupid.

My Sister is the Biggest Fucking Liar Ever!

We all had a "family" meeting on Wednesday night, which cut into like half of a new episode of LOST, I was needless to say, pissed off. Anyway she lied through this entire meeting. She said the reason she was witholding rent money was because she was saving money for new windows, mind you, the house doesn't need new windows but this is the excuse she uses. My cool sister D and oldest brother Junior were basically telling her, a 50+ year old woman mind you, that you just can't go and withold rent because you feel like it, you just can't do what you want to do in this world. If she were living anywhere else, she would have been out on her ass MONTHS ago. I think she knows my mom won't kick her out and that's why she acts the fool. I told THO if it were me, that bitch would have been out on her arse after month one. That's some bullshit, just NOT paying rent 'cause you don't feel like it. Mind you, if it were cold in her house or if some bullshit went down in her apartment, she would be the first one complaining and wanting to get it fixed. Basically that bitch is an asshole, first class.

She then went on to tell everyone, I told THO I was going to hold the rent. My mom, being the lady she is refused to get down and dirty just politely answered, "No, you didn't". At which Queen Asshole answered, "Yes, I did!", this exchange went back and forth about four times then I, who is very much the lady most of the time but decided this wouldn't be one of those times answered, "You're a fucking liar, cut that shit out!"





She then went on to mention the fact that since HER father bought the houses SHE should be the one who took over the houses. My sister D snaps, "What!? Daddy and THO were married for like 30 years, the last three houses were bought when they were married, everyone else was already out of the house, where do you even get off saying some shit like that?" Since Queen Asshole claimed she had saved the money for windows, my oldest brother Junior says, "then you should have no problem paying THO the back rent by this weekend, since you know, it's saved up and what not". Queen Asshole responds, snidely (sp?) "You'll get your money." Ass of today, Saturday, at 8:28 p.m., THO has gotten $800.00 of the $3500 she was owed. THO then raised her rent which she probably won't get since she can't/won't pay what little she owes now. If I were THO, eviction proceedings would have started already man. That bitch is an asshole, for real.

I'm seriously considering giving my tenants the old heave ho, they paid up on their past due rent but, I think I'll keep them around for like another year until after Baby is born, their extra rent money will come in handy while I'm on maternity leave, and then, they're outta here. Maybe I'm just being mean thinking about Queen Asshole, we'll see.

So, the next day, my sister D calls me and tells me that Queen Asshole called and asked her if D could take out a loan for Q.A. Apparently QA wants the money for said loan but doesn't want to put her credit at risk. WTF?! How do you ask someone to do something like that and say because I don't want to ruin my credit?



#1 Queen Asshole doesn't need credit beyond the liquor store or coke dealer. This bitch is not/will not do/doing anything productive with her life. Getting drunk and high I think is her limit in the goals department.

#2 Duh, you're a fucking credit risk whore! You don't pay your $500 a month rent despite having two minimum wage jobs and you want someone to not loan, but take out a loan for you? You've got to be kidding!




#3 The fucking gall man, I could see if you are responsible but maybe acquired bad credit because of mistakes in your youth but shit man, her youth was like 35 years ago. If she hasn't gotten it together as of now, it's basically a lost cause.

To top it all off, D says that Queen Asshole's shiftless good for nothing husband tells her "you and B (D's husband) should buy us a Lexus, what with all the money y'all got". I don't even know what to say about that.

Then Queen Asshole tells "me because you, you think you're so great but you live in a house daddy left you, I can't understand why it's such a big deal that I do the same".

(By the way, I do think I'm great because fuck, I am. My daddy thought I was great too which is why she's so angry at me, this chick has a LOOOOOOOOOOONG history of fucking up. It's like way too much to mention, maybe I'll start a Great fuck ups in history made by Queen Asshole .)

I answered her, plain as day,

#1 I lived in my own apartment where I was paying like $900 a month in addition to going to graduate school and paying other bills. I was NEVER late with my rent, my landlord didn't try to kick me out. He was actually sad when I moved out.

#2 I'm 27. I have two bachelors, two masters, I've worked for like 10 years, I owned my own business, I make like $60,000 a year and byt the time I'm 31, I'll make like twice that. What have YOU done?



#3 Daddy left me this house because he knew I wouldn't squander it away on blow you fucking crack head! Don't you ever fucking compare me to you. Any male living in my house, not working, eating food I paid for and sucking on my titties will at least be in diapers. You're a fucking asshole.

I don't usually let people get to me, I think I'm a rather calm person, but she gets on my fucking nerves. It's just, she's so fucking foul, and the thing is, she doesn't even realize she's stupid. Man, she's such a fucking asshole.

Ugh, Ugh and Ugh!

I'm going to say something that is vey evil. I HATE my sister. I'm frowning up my face as I even think about her. She is such an asshole. I have two brothers and two sisters. Three of them, I'll call them Jr. (the oldest brother), D (the cool sister) and Queen Asshole (the hated sister) are from my dad's first marriage. My dad was 21 years older than my mother so he had a wife and three children before he and The Heavenly One met. Dad was already divorced when he and THO met. Anyway, my brother, the younger than the rest but older than me brother and I are my dad's "second set" of kids. Since my brother who I'll call Sweet Brother and I grew up together, we are close. The other three were young adults when Sweet Brother was born and already married with children when I was born. Sweet Brother is 10 years older than me. Anyway, when my dad died, he left me this house because I was the youngest and my dad being an old country boy was following Southern tradition which says that the house, bulk of money, etc. goes to the youngest unmarried child (especially a daughter). When my dad died, I was in graduate school and so the money he left me and this house really helped out. All of my brothers and sisters, with the exception of Queen Asshole own their own houses (or two) and are doing very well financially.

Just a little background. Queen Asshole barely graduated from high school. She didn't go to college and really hasn't done anything productive with her life. She was/is a coke head, drinks more than a fish and is just in general a get over creatin (sp?). She is like 55, has some crap ass job at a department store where all of her co workers are college students and is married to a man who does not work and is generally a nasty person. Once when I was like 7 or 8, my cousin T and I walked in on her sniffing cocaine in my parents' bathroom. She continuously cries broke and borrows money from my older brother and sister who bail her out time and time again. She is stupid, conniving, not cute at all, she has a little smushed in face and just is generally not a nice person. Sam, who is the sweetest dog in the world bit her once and barks at her constantly whenever he happens to see her. I barely speak to her, other than to say hi when I am face to face with her and I keep my distance. And, she is cheap, not frugal, but cheap. Once, we were all visting my parents, I think we were having a barbeque, she was going to go to the store because my parents didn't have the kind of beer she wanted, my dad asked her to buy him a pack of cigarettes, and she held out her hand so that he would give her the money. To her own daddy!

All througout her adulthood, my dad has given her money, given her down payments on apartments, etc. She is just a fuck up.

Anyway, her son is a special needs child (he is 25 now) because he was born addicted to cocaine, because she's a coke head and he serious problems. Before my dad died, he allowed her to live in a house he owned because she felt her son would do better in a smaller environment (she was living in one of those HUGE apartment buildings). My dad allowed her to live there at discount rent, $500 dollars a month for a three bedroom, two bathroom living room, dining room, eat in kitchen deck type apartment. In NYC, this apt is worth like $2,500 dollars a month and even when she moved in, it would have been worth like $1,500. However, she doesn't pay rent. Like EVER. The Heavenly One now owns the house and Queen Asshole DOES NOT PAY RENT. No explanations, no excuses, no nothing, she just doesn't pay. She hasn't paid rent since like April, maybe May. And when she does manage to pay, it always late or half , some stupid shit like that. However, taxes are still due, water bill and insurance has to be paid and all of this comes out of THO's pocket. On top of all of this, Queen Asshole goes around gossiping about people, telling EVERYONE'S business and just generally being an asshole. Sweet Brother stayed over to THO's house the other night, something was wrong with the alarm on his SUV and he didn't want to park on the street near his house so he parked in THO's garage and got it fixed in the morning. Queen Asshole saw Sweet Brother at THO's house and she called EVERYONE and told them ALL, Sweet Brother and his wife were having problems. WTF?! That shit is ridiculous. About 2 weeks ago or so, D (the cool sister) asked me, how are you and Mysterious Ex doing? As this is something she has never asked, I asked her, what do you mean? She tells me, Queen Asshole told me she hasn't seen him around. WTF? You mean to tell me in between fucking her drunk ass husband and snorting cocaine 20 hours a day, this bitch has time to look ten houses up the street and see who's car is in my driveway?! You've got to be kidding me!

She told me last year sometime, "you know if you sell that house, you have to split up the money five ways right? It's not fair that you should be the only person to share in OUR (her empahasis) father's hard work."

First off, I never said I was going to sell the house (not to her at least or matter of fact, not to any of my siblings)

Second off, my dad left ME the house, not us. Anyway, I'm not selfish, it isn't as though I wouldn't share but,

#1 My brothers and sister all own their own houses. Sweet Brother owns a condo, a house and some land further south where he and his wife are planning to build a home. Jr. has two houses and is planning on retiring to Florida in the next couple of years to a custom built home. D and her husband sold their townhouse for like $1.2 million dollars a few years ago and are living the high life, sans the drugs, in the south.

#2 NO one else has even mentioned anything like this to me. The furthest thing that has occurred is my oldest brother Jr. told me if I wanted to sell the house to let him know so that no one tries to cheat me out of a decent price.

#3 Since everyone is doing their own thing, no one cares about this house, they all have their own lives and their own stuff, no one cares.

#4 Even without this house, it has always been my plan to go out into the world and buy my own place. Since I was younger, it has always been my intention to make my own way in life and own my own shit.

It sickens me that she can't do the same. Why does she feel entitled to live off of my dad's hard work? Like when my dad died, everyone was sad and upset over his death but SHE was the one to lead the crusade to having the will read and getting the money she thought she was entitiled to. While no one else in the family was even thinking about how this or that was going to be split up or who was going to own this house or that, she was on top of evrything. I bet you to this day, she could tell anyone who asked how much each of us received, down to the penny. It's like since he did well for himself, she feels she doesn't have to. She is such a fucking get over and I hate her for that.

We are supposed to have a family meeting on Wednesday to discuss her non payment of rent and already I am heated. I know that I'm going to wind up cursing her out or something, already I'm angry just thinking about it. She gets on my nerves. She's such a lazy, get over bitch.

But the thing is, for some reason, no one tells her any of this stuff. It's like they just let her continue to do this shit. She shouldn't do any of this stuff and should have enough common sense or self respect to not do it but obviously she doesn't and no one will ever say, "hey Asshole, cut that shit out". I just don't understand how she feels its her right to stay anywhere and especially for free. I've always been thankful that I've been given such a privilege. I'm thankful I had parents who invested well and made it possible for me to have a great future for myself and for my future children. Even The Heavenly One has said time and time again, if it weren't houses, we wouldn't have been able to send you to school or be able to afford this or do that. I've always been thankful, but, I've always known that it was a privilege and not a right. I KNOW that I am not entitiled to anything. SHE, doesn't seem to understand that. I'm the only one EVER who has called her out on her dumb shit and so she continues to do this. THO feels bad because she says if she dies, I will get the four houses and she doesn't want me to put up with Queen Asshole's bullshit. I told THO, let her have the house, you know that's what she wants anyway it isn't worth the irritation to me, it really isn't. I have no long term vested interest in any of those houses and feel wishy washy about the one I am living in, it really isn't a big deal to me. THO however is very stuck on "the principle of the matter". I'll see how shit turns out.

Single Handedly Setting Back the Black Race

So, I was at THO's house just a bit ago, we were talking about my tenants' non payment of the rent (I know I have to get gully with them, I was just waiting for them to do what they needed to do). Anyway, we were in the kitchen and her television was playing in the living room when I hear the words, "Fantasia Barrino" and "illiterate".



I hightalied it into the living room to hear the most shocking shit (at least for this evening). Apparently, Fantasia of American Idol fame is not only an unwed ex welfare mother, but that bitch is illiterate too! WTF son?, it's like 2005 and shit, that chick is only 20 or so and she can't read? I mean, not even a little bit? She says that the most embarassing and hurtful part of being unable to read is that she can't read a book to her 2 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. I mean what are two year olds reading? The Little Engine that Could and shit? Come on. How embarassing. Not only that, but after announcing that she cannot read, she plugs her memoirs. You read thar correctly, her memoirs. First off, she's 20, what living has she done? Second off, we know her life story, she can't read, she had a kid at 16, she's never had a job in her life and she won American Idol. See, end of story, and she needs a whole memoir for what I recapped in not quite one sentence? Give me a break.


Leading to the most shocking thing of the day. Gambling addict and all around asshole Bill Bennett made the most heinous comment on his little listened to show yesterday morning. While speaking to a caller of his who suggested if all of the children who had been aborted since Roe vs. Wade had not been aborted, our Social Security system would not be in jeopardy (his stupid comments did not go unnoticed by me, we could for instance stop sending 40 billion dollar rockets into space to do Goddess know what and put that money towards Social Security or crack down on governmental corruption or tax the rich and corporations at the same rate working people are taxed, or spend the money we spent on that stupid war on Social Security but that would be silly now wouldn't it?) he responded: "You could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down". Then, crack head Rush Limbaugh had the nerve to accuse Media Matters for America (a very decent news source) of taking Bennett's comment out of context. The only context those statements need to be taken in is that that dude is a idiotic racist idiot (I know I used the same description). Later, Bennett tried to blame his blatantly racist comments on a discussion he had with Steven Levitt who wrote Freakonomics a while back. But, going back to that discussion (the transcript can be found on Slate.com) he was found to be a bold faced liar. Stupid idiot.





It's funny how most crimes and wrong doings are always blamed on people of color and poor people when the real criminals are those in our government who are basically stealing from us everyday and corporations who fuck their workers over by stealing their pensions, not giving their workers insurance or a living wage, and stealing $600 million worth of company funds. Yet, our biggest interest is the guy who is tealing from the local Dunkin' Donuts. It's just funny sometimes.

What's Up With Me?

Did some blatantly immature bullshit today. The funny (or not so funny) thing is, I knew what I was doing was stupid, not cool, not necesarry (sp?) and just plain dumb but you know what? I did it anyway. I would say what I did, but I'm scared someone I know will come across this and realize that I was the one who did the dumb shit so, I'll just not mention any specifics. The thing is, before, during, and after I did said dumb shit, I was telling my self, "Self, this is stupid. What's up with you? Why do you do such things?" But then I said, "Fuck it, I'm gonna do it anyway, and I did."

I'm such a television fanatic lately, I've REALLY been watching Lost and it is so FUCKING GOOD! I actually get angry (for a short time) when it goes off, it's like I HAVE to watch it, it's sick. So, in addition to that show, I've been watching My Name is Earl which is very funny, Everybody Hates Chris which is good, Survivor, which I've been taping as to be able to wath Chris and last night, I was trying to watch three different shows at once, its sick but, I really did try. I'm nutty.

Work has been cool I guess. Not much has been going on and truthfully, it gets a bit boring but, I get paid again this weekend so that should make things better.

Because of Humanity Critic I watched the VH1 Hip Hop Tribute show, which could have been much, much, much better. First off, I thought it would be more old school, they had Salt 'n Pepa, who looked pretty hot still, LL Cool J, Big Daddy Kane (who was off the fucking hook) and then, they do a tribute to Notorious BIG, Biggie Smalls, whatever you wnat to call him. WTF, since when was Biggie an old school artist? That nigga was rhyming when I was in college and that shit was not that long ago. That kind of pissed me off because it was like cool, LL, Salt 'n Pepa, Kane who were all rockin' at least from the mid 80's and then Biggie?! It just didn't sit well with me. Then, why the hell was Kanye West rapping at the tribute show? What has this big toothed bastard done that is remotely deserving of being honored? I mean give me a fuckin' break, how could you honor a legend like LL who has been on the scene for three decades, crossed over into television and movies and doing fucking commercials for women's products and then put up some sophomore album 2 hit pussy like Kanye, that shit was insulting. The biggest highlight of the day was definitely BDK who after all these years, fucking flipped on the stage like no one's business. I was at The Heavenly One's house watching it and got up screaming "warm it up Kane, warm it up Kane, ooooohhhh, go, go, go" like an idiot until my momma came in and yelled some sense into my dumb ass. That shit was tight though.

Well, I guess I should try to get some sleep. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.

No Work Tomorrow

I am at my cousin's T house tonight. Not going to work tomorrow. Didn't do much today at all. Came over here, took Sam for a walk in the park where he proceeded to bark at every single, dog, cat, squirrel, man, woman and child he saw. Ate an ENTIRE pint of ice cream, that was pretty gross of me but damn it was good. Walked about two miles, lifted weights, did about 20 minutes of yoga and did a few sit ups. Porbably will do more work tomorrow as I am watching a special on a woman who weighs about 700 pounds and it has scared me shitless. If I was one of those throwing up chicks, I would have done it when this first came on. Spoke to the futre father of my child. He's really funny, such a sweet guy. I guess that's it. Not much going on.