Well, it's official, the man I knew as new Guy is no more. I will say a few short words about him.
New Guy, even though you obviously turned out to be an asshole, you were for a short time a really cool guy. You were funny and smart and you seemed kind and generous but sadly, you turned out to be a dipshit. Will you make it into my boyfriend hall of fame? No. Will you be missed? Not quite. Will I add you to my list of men I hate? Nope, I didn't care that much. Will the wind whisper your name on a cold winter's day? I hope not. Anyway, we met, you were cool for a while and then you revealed your true identity as a pussy; just like most of the men who have entered my life, but in a far shorter period of time. New Guy has been retired.
Eaten Today
Breakfast: Toast and a sausage, tea and orange juice
Dinner: Turkey cheese burger and french fries, lemonade (going food shopping tomorrow, thanks M.E!)
Resumes: 4
Exercise: none, blaming the cold weather today
Hours on Phone: about 4 (spoke to G)
Bought: Nothing
My morning started off pretty bad today. I woke up about 3 in the morning and stayed up until about 7. I decided to go back to sleep and slept until about 10. During the hours of 3 and 7 when I was up though, I cried like no one's business. I was crying because I felt like a failure. I've done all of this stuff with my life, and now I feel as though I am accomplishing nothing. I used to be so lucky when I was younger but, I guess my luck has run out. I still can't seem to get hired. I am VERY low on cash and I am bored out of my mind. I have set aside my most valuable things in casee I have to sell some stuff to stay afloat. I have like 3 Louis Vuitton bags I can part with, hopefully, they will bring in a little over a thousand dollars. I also have this old diamond ring that was given to me by my ex fiance. Since I don't wear it and very rarely even look at it, I figured selling it wouldn't have a huge impact on my life. I suppose I can get about twenty five hundred for that. If worse comes to worst (and I hope it doesn't) I can always sell my LV luggage set which will hurt my little heart but make my even smaller pockets quite large. And though I don't want to, and it will be the last thing I probably do, I can always sell Sam's LV collar and carrier (that will be a last ditch option though). Mysterious Ex has been very generous, leaving me money in pocketbook and in my desk since he knows I won't take it from him. Usually, my pride is right there, blocking me from accepting anything but, I will do it for Sam cause my baby needs to eat. It isn't that I am dirt poor, but at this point I have no more income. I am living off of the little money that I had the good sense (for once in my life), to save. If it wasn't for this, I wouldn't have anything. I musn't complain too much though, things could be far, far worse. I could be homeless, I could have nothing, I could be forced to live in a shelter or have no family or friends to help out. I could be so down and out that I couldn't be able to pay my bills, I could be in awful health and not just a little extra chubby/fat. So compared to all of the things that COULD be going on, I'm in pretty good shape, not too much to complain about.
I was talking to my Godfather today and he reminded me of some land my dad left for me in the South. If things got really bad, I could sell that for a really good amount of money. Though I wouldn't want to sell off what my dad left for me, I hope that he would understand, it isn't as though I would be selling it to fund a vacation, this would be for living. My dad was a good guy, something tells me that he would understand. I will leave that as a last, last option.
Mysterious Ex and I are supposed to do something for the weekend since it is a holiday. Everyone in the world knows its going to be crowded with the exception of M.E. He thinks that we can just go down to the Jersey shore and find a great place to stay for the weekend. He thinks many people will be scared away because of the crappy weather we have been having. I think we should just do a day trip type thing, nothing too big. We will see what it turns out to be. I'm sure it will be okay.
Of course Samson will be coming along which sometimes proves a little difficult when we want to go somewhere. On the whole, Sam has been accepted nicely but with his new found "aroma" we may be asked to leave the place we choose to stay. We'll see.
I changed my blog look. I like it though I do have to say thanks to Gwendolyn Oblivion (first link) since I basically stole her blog design. I went to read her blog ans was like, wow that's so cool, so cool in fact that I too must have it too so, I copied it. Sounds kind of bad so to ease your mind, I didn't actually steal it, I kind of "borrowed" her idea. Thanks Gwen!
5.26.2005
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: Pancakes and sausages
Dinner: Turkey Breast and Rice
Hours on Phone: about 1
Resumes: 5
Exercise: 0
Bought: Nada
Well, I guess it's official and New Guy really doesn't want to speak to me. I called him twice over the past few days and I left 2 messages and he hadn't gotten back to me. At first I was worried because I thought maybe something happened to him so I called his job today, just to see if he was okay. His secretary connected me to him, he answered the phone so I hung up. I find it very strange though because he has pursued me for like over 2 months now. I just don't get it. I thought maybe I had done or said something to offend him, but that hasn't been the case. The last time I saw him, we went out to dinner, he came to my house, we laughed and talked, he left to go home, he called me while he was driving home and then he called me again later that night (even though it was like 11 or 12), we spoke until about 1 in the morning, as usual, then we hung up saying good night and how we would speak the next day. But, I didn't hear from him. Very strange. I thought I would be sad about it but truthfully, I'm not. I must admit that its very strange and that I don't understand it so I am obsessing over it a bit but more from the "why would someone spend 10 weeks of their life running after you, speaking to you for HOURS at a time, going places with you, going out of their way to try to woo you and then disappear" type thinking. Very strange indeed. Being the proverbial scorned woman, I was thinking of doing something evil like reporting him the NY justice system or reporting him to the Bar Association but, I don't think I have time like that on my hands. A nice, "I'm tired of you" or "you suck bitch" might have eased things over a bit but, whatever. And this, I guess is why I am so scared of letting go of Mysterious Ex, no matter the B.S. he and I have ever been involved in, he's there for me. We could argue today and if I called tomorrow in need, he would come through for me, of that I am sure. Does that mean I'm settling? I'm not sure. Is that what a good relationship is made of? I'm not sure. I know I'd rather have a reliable not so great car than a never running Bentley.
Not to go on and on about this but, what happened exactly? How does one go from laughing and having a good time one day to not speaking to the person at all the next? How does one go from, "I care for you and I want to be a part of your life for a long time to come" to just not having anything to say? How does one discus their hopes and dreams and inner most thoughts and then just go away for no apparent reason? At least Mysterious Ex has manners enough to pick a fight (at least in the past) with me before doing such weird things. I mean, he really every day, more than a few times a day was all "I like you a lot", "I want to have a chance with you", "I think you're a great person", "I'm trying to build trust with you so that we can have a good relationship", "I think of you as the start of my family", he even invited me to go on vacation with him, could you imagine? I mean, not that I'm like, boo hoo now I'm not going to the Virgin Islands but, what was the point of all of that? Why even do that at all? I mean, it really wasn't necessary. I'm glad I didn't fall completely for him. My goodness, had I just jumped right in, I would have been devastated right now, I know me, my feelings would have been so hurt. Because it isn't as though I just met this man, we had a continuous relationship for some time now. Hummph, I guess this is one for the books. I've already decided I just won't speak to him again, not that he will try to call but if he does, I just won't speak to him, it's just that simple.
I cannot sleep. I've been doing this thing lately where I go to sleep at like 12 or so (pretty early for me), but I wake up like 3 or 4 in the morning and stay up until maybe 6 or 7 and then sometimes go back to sleep. It's quite aggravating. I get up in the middle of the night, sometimes I watch old movies but mostly I just read. I WAS reading A Widow for One Year by John Irving but truthfully I was really only reading a page or two a day, for some reason it wasn't holding my interest. But in the last couple of days, I have read through more than 3/4 of the book. I've brought my laptop to my bed so now my time has been split between the television, reading and the computer.
Samson is so gassy lately. He's eating the same food, eating at the same times and the same amount but it's so gross in here. It's been freezing in NYC the last few days so I have been keeping the windows closed because even the slightest crack sends in a gust of cold like you would not believe. I've even resorted to sleeping with my thermal blankets again it's so cold. Anyway, this lack of ventilation has been horrible for me because my baby has been letting it rip. Who knew a four pound dog could smell up the place so much? God sometimes I have to sincerely think, did I do that? Even though I know I haven't.
On the job front things aren't looking that great. Maybe I have horrible interview skills even though I somehow don't think that's true. (Come to think of it, New Guy was even helping me with my job search, see how strange it is?) At least now I am getting call backs but no one seems to be hiring me. I've never had this much trouble finding a job. I got a copy of my teaching record and Jesus do I sound unbelievable. So, what's the problem? I don't know. It looks as though I'm going to have to stick to my own neighborhood for a job (which I know I will get) but, I'm sick of working here with children who can't read despite their being as big as me and I'm sick of teaching nothing but how to pass a reading test, that isn't why I became a teacher, that is not teaching. If I have to step into another classroom like that this year, my brain will turn to mush, I just can't do it. I was watching PBS some day, probably in the middle of the night, and there was a teacher with her class and they were doing these great projects. They were writing books that were going to be published by and available in their state's library. They were doing a real life math lesson where they had to go grocery shopping and get the best deal for their dollar. The classroom was beautiful and, get this, actually had supplies. That is what I want. Why because I am Black, must I be sent to these horrible schools? It isn't automatic that I share a kinship with kids because we are of the same race. I just want to teach at a good school where my students will be doing something with their brain other than memorizing the answers to some test. I don't think that's too much to ask for. Maybe it is.
Breakfast: Pancakes and sausages
Dinner: Turkey Breast and Rice
Hours on Phone: about 1
Resumes: 5
Exercise: 0
Bought: Nada
Well, I guess it's official and New Guy really doesn't want to speak to me. I called him twice over the past few days and I left 2 messages and he hadn't gotten back to me. At first I was worried because I thought maybe something happened to him so I called his job today, just to see if he was okay. His secretary connected me to him, he answered the phone so I hung up. I find it very strange though because he has pursued me for like over 2 months now. I just don't get it. I thought maybe I had done or said something to offend him, but that hasn't been the case. The last time I saw him, we went out to dinner, he came to my house, we laughed and talked, he left to go home, he called me while he was driving home and then he called me again later that night (even though it was like 11 or 12), we spoke until about 1 in the morning, as usual, then we hung up saying good night and how we would speak the next day. But, I didn't hear from him. Very strange. I thought I would be sad about it but truthfully, I'm not. I must admit that its very strange and that I don't understand it so I am obsessing over it a bit but more from the "why would someone spend 10 weeks of their life running after you, speaking to you for HOURS at a time, going places with you, going out of their way to try to woo you and then disappear" type thinking. Very strange indeed. Being the proverbial scorned woman, I was thinking of doing something evil like reporting him the NY justice system or reporting him to the Bar Association but, I don't think I have time like that on my hands. A nice, "I'm tired of you" or "you suck bitch" might have eased things over a bit but, whatever. And this, I guess is why I am so scared of letting go of Mysterious Ex, no matter the B.S. he and I have ever been involved in, he's there for me. We could argue today and if I called tomorrow in need, he would come through for me, of that I am sure. Does that mean I'm settling? I'm not sure. Is that what a good relationship is made of? I'm not sure. I know I'd rather have a reliable not so great car than a never running Bentley.
Not to go on and on about this but, what happened exactly? How does one go from laughing and having a good time one day to not speaking to the person at all the next? How does one go from, "I care for you and I want to be a part of your life for a long time to come" to just not having anything to say? How does one discus their hopes and dreams and inner most thoughts and then just go away for no apparent reason? At least Mysterious Ex has manners enough to pick a fight (at least in the past) with me before doing such weird things. I mean, he really every day, more than a few times a day was all "I like you a lot", "I want to have a chance with you", "I think you're a great person", "I'm trying to build trust with you so that we can have a good relationship", "I think of you as the start of my family", he even invited me to go on vacation with him, could you imagine? I mean, not that I'm like, boo hoo now I'm not going to the Virgin Islands but, what was the point of all of that? Why even do that at all? I mean, it really wasn't necessary. I'm glad I didn't fall completely for him. My goodness, had I just jumped right in, I would have been devastated right now, I know me, my feelings would have been so hurt. Because it isn't as though I just met this man, we had a continuous relationship for some time now. Hummph, I guess this is one for the books. I've already decided I just won't speak to him again, not that he will try to call but if he does, I just won't speak to him, it's just that simple.
I cannot sleep. I've been doing this thing lately where I go to sleep at like 12 or so (pretty early for me), but I wake up like 3 or 4 in the morning and stay up until maybe 6 or 7 and then sometimes go back to sleep. It's quite aggravating. I get up in the middle of the night, sometimes I watch old movies but mostly I just read. I WAS reading A Widow for One Year by John Irving but truthfully I was really only reading a page or two a day, for some reason it wasn't holding my interest. But in the last couple of days, I have read through more than 3/4 of the book. I've brought my laptop to my bed so now my time has been split between the television, reading and the computer.
Samson is so gassy lately. He's eating the same food, eating at the same times and the same amount but it's so gross in here. It's been freezing in NYC the last few days so I have been keeping the windows closed because even the slightest crack sends in a gust of cold like you would not believe. I've even resorted to sleeping with my thermal blankets again it's so cold. Anyway, this lack of ventilation has been horrible for me because my baby has been letting it rip. Who knew a four pound dog could smell up the place so much? God sometimes I have to sincerely think, did I do that? Even though I know I haven't.
On the job front things aren't looking that great. Maybe I have horrible interview skills even though I somehow don't think that's true. (Come to think of it, New Guy was even helping me with my job search, see how strange it is?) At least now I am getting call backs but no one seems to be hiring me. I've never had this much trouble finding a job. I got a copy of my teaching record and Jesus do I sound unbelievable. So, what's the problem? I don't know. It looks as though I'm going to have to stick to my own neighborhood for a job (which I know I will get) but, I'm sick of working here with children who can't read despite their being as big as me and I'm sick of teaching nothing but how to pass a reading test, that isn't why I became a teacher, that is not teaching. If I have to step into another classroom like that this year, my brain will turn to mush, I just can't do it. I was watching PBS some day, probably in the middle of the night, and there was a teacher with her class and they were doing these great projects. They were writing books that were going to be published by and available in their state's library. They were doing a real life math lesson where they had to go grocery shopping and get the best deal for their dollar. The classroom was beautiful and, get this, actually had supplies. That is what I want. Why because I am Black, must I be sent to these horrible schools? It isn't automatic that I share a kinship with kids because we are of the same race. I just want to teach at a good school where my students will be doing something with their brain other than memorizing the answers to some test. I don't think that's too much to ask for. Maybe it is.
5.24.2005
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: Italian bread and butter
Lunch: Frosted Flakes
Dinner: Turkey and white potatoes (getting poorer day by day)
Hours on Phone: about 4
Resumes: 6
Exercise: None (very bad but oh well)
Bought: Doll hair and a tongue ring on ebay (I love ebay)
Wow, either New Guy is really tired of me or something really bad has happened to him. I hope he's just pissed off at me because I haven't heard from him in a few days which is really out of the norm for us. New Guy moved to NYC from Minnesotta like two months ago, other than a friend who he knows in Brooklyn, I am the only person outside of his office that he knows in NY. Actually, I am kind of scared because he and I usually speak EVERYDAY for hours a day. Once when it was raining very hard, he and I stayed on the phone or over 12 hours. So it's very strange to just hear nothing from him at all. We saw one another last week, he brought me home, we hung out here for a while, he went home, he called me when he got home, we spoke for a bit longer then, nothing, I just haven't heard from him. I was thinking of calling his job tomorrow to see if he's been coming in and to see if he is okay but, if he has been going to work and just doesn't want to call me, I don't want to be embarrassed. I'm really not sure what to do.
I feel so bad about bitching over Mysterious Ex over the weekend. We spent some time together just talking and hanging out and I have so many conflicting issues because I remember why I love him, I remember why he's such a great guy but, I still feel very weird about our situation. I was under the impression that I was making some progress in our relationship but, I am right back to where I started. Truthfully, I don't think I ever moved. I am soooo tired tonight, I'm going right to bed now.
Breakfast: Italian bread and butter
Lunch: Frosted Flakes
Dinner: Turkey and white potatoes (getting poorer day by day)
Hours on Phone: about 4
Resumes: 6
Exercise: None (very bad but oh well)
Bought: Doll hair and a tongue ring on ebay (I love ebay)
Wow, either New Guy is really tired of me or something really bad has happened to him. I hope he's just pissed off at me because I haven't heard from him in a few days which is really out of the norm for us. New Guy moved to NYC from Minnesotta like two months ago, other than a friend who he knows in Brooklyn, I am the only person outside of his office that he knows in NY. Actually, I am kind of scared because he and I usually speak EVERYDAY for hours a day. Once when it was raining very hard, he and I stayed on the phone or over 12 hours. So it's very strange to just hear nothing from him at all. We saw one another last week, he brought me home, we hung out here for a while, he went home, he called me when he got home, we spoke for a bit longer then, nothing, I just haven't heard from him. I was thinking of calling his job tomorrow to see if he's been coming in and to see if he is okay but, if he has been going to work and just doesn't want to call me, I don't want to be embarrassed. I'm really not sure what to do.
I feel so bad about bitching over Mysterious Ex over the weekend. We spent some time together just talking and hanging out and I have so many conflicting issues because I remember why I love him, I remember why he's such a great guy but, I still feel very weird about our situation. I was under the impression that I was making some progress in our relationship but, I am right back to where I started. Truthfully, I don't think I ever moved. I am soooo tired tonight, I'm going right to bed now.
5.22.2005
Oh my goodness
I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday before my aunt's party (which was rather sweet) and I mentioned to said friend that I was thinking of dying my hair, just to have a little something different to look at in the mirror. When I was younger, I dyed my hair like every two weeks so for me to now have my natural hair color is a big thing onto itself. Anyway, this friend, who I am only writing about because I know she will not read this tells me that she feels dying one's hair is un-lady like and that she would NEVER dye HER hair, as though I were a heathen to even think such a thing. I was speechless, I didn't know what to say because, this same friene has cheating and continues to cheat on her husband quite regularly, this same friend uses drugs recreationally and has on more than one occassion driven WITH HER INFANT CHILD when she was high or at least semi - high. WTF?! Me dying my hair is un - lady like but you can screw people (randomly screw) and drive around high?! You've got to be kidding me. Mind you, I've never committe adultry (I'm not married and I have definitely Never taken drugs and probably won't ever take drugs. Truth be told, I only have one person who I truly consider to be "My Friend" and sadly everyone else are just people I kind of talk to or hang out with. It's sad but I realized, I know some pretty screwed up people man.
I compiled this short list of Mysterious Ex likes and dislikes and it's pretty bad. I have to wonder, why are we even trying? Why do I even love him? Is it because I've known him for so long? Am I more used to him than in love with him? Truthfully, if I don't see him for a while, I don't have those lovey dovey feelings (yes I do, I think), I'm really not sure what I ACTUALLY feel. Is it enough to sustain a relationship? I don't know? Do I want to be in this position? NO. I think that I will not have sex with Mysterious Ex anymore. I always try no to but, I'm a horny chick, I try not to be, finishing myself off before he come by but, I always give in to temptation. And, it's ALWAYS me. One would think because he's a guy he's trying to get me into bed but, I'm always the one to jump on him. I'm so ashamed (I'm really not). So, I'm going to wean myself from sex with him and see what is left of our relationship. We've had good times but, am I emotionally stck on him because of all the after sex chemicals floating around or do I truly, honestly unabashedly love this man? If tommorrow his penis suddenly fell off, would I still want to be with him? Tough question. It isn't that the sex is the only thing in our relationship (believe me, it's not THAT great, I've had a lot better) but, I think maybe the act of sex and all the releasing of seratonin (sp?) and all that other love chemical crap is clouding my judgement. Years ago, I was engaged to this guy that I was with for like 5 years (ages 18 -23) I believe I was like 21 or so at the time, I know I was still in college. Anyway, a bunch of friends and I had this psuedo dinner party (no one cooked, we just kind of ordered a bunch a food and sat around eating it and drinking wine) anyway, after having more than a few glasses of wine, my fiance at the time came to pick me up. When he came through the door, I remember looking at him in my newly acquired drunk goggles and I thought my god, what do I see in this guy? I was wearing these five inch platforms at the time so I towered over him and he just looked small and paunchy and not that cute. Then for some reason, all of the eveil things he had done and all of the bad things I thought about him during the course fo our relationship kept playing through my mind. The point is, I feel that I saw him how he truly was, without the googly love eyes, I need to do something like that for Mysterious Ex.
About 10 minutes later:
How funny, M.E. called right at the end of that sentence. See it's barely 10 o'clock in the morning and already he is complaining. That is something that bothers me about him. I am not saying that people should not complain believe me, I do enough of it but the things he complains about are always so minor to me. They seem almost trivial, maybe I'm just annoyed by him, I have been pretty pissy this weekend. He wants to get together this weekend but truthfully, I'm not in the mood to see him or anyone else for that matter. I just want to sit here, I don't want to be bothered with men or thoughts of "relationships" I just want to wear my dingy sweat pants, eat some ice cream (if I have any left) rub my puppy's belly, and watch Desperate Housewives and then Queer as Folk. I'll go visit my mom today, we went to my aunt's party yesterday so I know she'll want to gossip, she already called me over for breakfast this morning.
Here is my list.
Things I like about Mysterious Ex
He's smart, funny, can be very caring, can be very kind, can be sweet, gainfully employed, cute, tall, educated, ambitious, compassionate educated and he has really nice teeth, going to therapy to get rid of all his weirdness (at least alleviate the worst of his weirdness), seemingly less Mysterious.
Things I DON'T like abut Mysterious Ex
He NEVER has enough time for me, he still seems a bit mysterious at times , he can be very mean, he can be very childish (not in a playful way, in an immature way), we don't do a whole lot together, he has weird religious ideologies (he thinks homosexuality is wrong because "it says so in the bible" yet, he fornicates and commits sodomy with me), he doesn't do a whole lot sexually (he's not as free as I would like him to be), his member is a bit on the wee side, I don't know if I can go the distance with him, I STILL am afraid to say certain things to him because of his past reactions
I think those are more dislikes than likes but I'm not about to count them, Im afraid of the outcome. My mom has called for a second time so, I will throw on some jogging pants, get Sam suited up and run to my hot awaiting breakfast.
I compiled this short list of Mysterious Ex likes and dislikes and it's pretty bad. I have to wonder, why are we even trying? Why do I even love him? Is it because I've known him for so long? Am I more used to him than in love with him? Truthfully, if I don't see him for a while, I don't have those lovey dovey feelings (yes I do, I think), I'm really not sure what I ACTUALLY feel. Is it enough to sustain a relationship? I don't know? Do I want to be in this position? NO. I think that I will not have sex with Mysterious Ex anymore. I always try no to but, I'm a horny chick, I try not to be, finishing myself off before he come by but, I always give in to temptation. And, it's ALWAYS me. One would think because he's a guy he's trying to get me into bed but, I'm always the one to jump on him. I'm so ashamed (I'm really not). So, I'm going to wean myself from sex with him and see what is left of our relationship. We've had good times but, am I emotionally stck on him because of all the after sex chemicals floating around or do I truly, honestly unabashedly love this man? If tommorrow his penis suddenly fell off, would I still want to be with him? Tough question. It isn't that the sex is the only thing in our relationship (believe me, it's not THAT great, I've had a lot better) but, I think maybe the act of sex and all the releasing of seratonin (sp?) and all that other love chemical crap is clouding my judgement. Years ago, I was engaged to this guy that I was with for like 5 years (ages 18 -23) I believe I was like 21 or so at the time, I know I was still in college. Anyway, a bunch of friends and I had this psuedo dinner party (no one cooked, we just kind of ordered a bunch a food and sat around eating it and drinking wine) anyway, after having more than a few glasses of wine, my fiance at the time came to pick me up. When he came through the door, I remember looking at him in my newly acquired drunk goggles and I thought my god, what do I see in this guy? I was wearing these five inch platforms at the time so I towered over him and he just looked small and paunchy and not that cute. Then for some reason, all of the eveil things he had done and all of the bad things I thought about him during the course fo our relationship kept playing through my mind. The point is, I feel that I saw him how he truly was, without the googly love eyes, I need to do something like that for Mysterious Ex.
About 10 minutes later:
How funny, M.E. called right at the end of that sentence. See it's barely 10 o'clock in the morning and already he is complaining. That is something that bothers me about him. I am not saying that people should not complain believe me, I do enough of it but the things he complains about are always so minor to me. They seem almost trivial, maybe I'm just annoyed by him, I have been pretty pissy this weekend. He wants to get together this weekend but truthfully, I'm not in the mood to see him or anyone else for that matter. I just want to sit here, I don't want to be bothered with men or thoughts of "relationships" I just want to wear my dingy sweat pants, eat some ice cream (if I have any left) rub my puppy's belly, and watch Desperate Housewives and then Queer as Folk. I'll go visit my mom today, we went to my aunt's party yesterday so I know she'll want to gossip, she already called me over for breakfast this morning.
Here is my list.
Things I like about Mysterious Ex
He's smart, funny, can be very caring, can be very kind, can be sweet, gainfully employed, cute, tall, educated, ambitious, compassionate educated and he has really nice teeth, going to therapy to get rid of all his weirdness (at least alleviate the worst of his weirdness), seemingly less Mysterious.
Things I DON'T like abut Mysterious Ex
He NEVER has enough time for me, he still seems a bit mysterious at times , he can be very mean, he can be very childish (not in a playful way, in an immature way), we don't do a whole lot together, he has weird religious ideologies (he thinks homosexuality is wrong because "it says so in the bible" yet, he fornicates and commits sodomy with me), he doesn't do a whole lot sexually (he's not as free as I would like him to be), his member is a bit on the wee side, I don't know if I can go the distance with him, I STILL am afraid to say certain things to him because of his past reactions
I think those are more dislikes than likes but I'm not about to count them, Im afraid of the outcome. My mom has called for a second time so, I will throw on some jogging pants, get Sam suited up and run to my hot awaiting breakfast.
5.21.2005
I am very, very sad today. I am on the verge of tears as I write this. I am down to my last bit of money, and I still haven't found a job. Thank God I own this place and it isn't cold enough for heat because I don't know what I would do. I am trying to be as frugal as possible, I did go shopping but, that was on my Lane Bryant card which is like 20 dollars a month so, I'm okay on that end. I am tired of being in this house, I am tired of walking around this horrible neighborhood, I am tired of not having a job. I don't know what else to do. My house has never been cleaner, I have never been so caught up on my laundry, I've never had a shorter list of "wanna read" books and I've never wathced so much television in my life. I've made dolls, I've improved my baking and cooking skills, my garden has not one weed, I am bored as hell. I cannot take it any longer. I want to get out of the house, do something (other than go on a date with one of those men), but this being New York, I have to pay my 20 dollar walk out of the house tax and right now, I can not afford that. I haven't gone food shopping in a while, I've been living off of the stuff that is usually in my freezer that I never eat so yesterday, I made spaghetti and frozen meatballs (my mom gave me those like a LOOOOONG time ago). Now believe me, I will not starve but, I am down to rice, ramen noodles, some packages of chicken, ground turkey a couple more packages of pasta (thanks mommy!) and what I believe is a beef brisket (which I have NEVER cooked, was probably given to me by my mom and HAS to be about two or more years old). I am just sick, I applied to work summer school but, I haven't worked Summer school in a while, I probably won't get called unless someone dies or something. I think my god, what did I do to get myself into this predicament? I've always been this dream chaser, always going after what I want in life, I've always loved that part of myself but now, I think it's gotten me into deep shit. If I had stayed at my job instead of trying to do my own thing, I'd be living it up right now. Everyone gives me all of this credit and kudos for following my heart and doing things on my terms but all of those people get a pay check every week. I think I'm angry at myself. I don't want to do that to me because I don't want to kill that part of my personality. I love my free loving self. I love the fact that I want to do my own thing, but at what cost?
As I'm sitting here in my self wallowing glory, I realize, I want a "real" relationship. Here I have been playing with Mysterious Ex for over a year and this is stupid, I need more than this, I want someone who is dependable, who I know has my back and is on my side. I don't feel that I have that from him. He is unreliable, he is iffy. That is not what I want in my life. I am 27, everyone tells me, you're young, you're a kid but, I don't feel that. I am at a stage in my life where I'd like to know exactly what I am doing, not "hoping" for the best or wishing that things would be a certain way. I am tired of my relationship with Mysterious Ex. Our "thing" upsets me. I know that I deserve more, I know that I want more. This brings me to this thing with New Guy. I don't think I want him either. I like him but, there isn't that silly spark thing that I think I should feel. He's nice to hang out with, he's a cool guy but I'm not gaga over him. Should that come later on? Should that be there already? Who knows, maybe I'm just upset and slinging a bunch of crap now. I'm just tired of everything, I'm ready to move, I've been in this place, physically and spiritually for too long.
I was offered a job in South Carolina. I was thinking about going then I thought, God, I don't have any money, how am I going to get myself down there? I thought of renting my place but, where would I stay until I got enough money to get there? If I did one of thouse first and second month contracts, I could get enough money to go but, where would I put all of my stuff? Do I take everything with me? Do I rent out my place already furnished and buy new things in SC? I figured I could get about 1200 - 1500 a month since I have a two bedroom. Rent for a two bedroom in Columbia is only 500 a month, a deposit plus the extra charge for Sam is only like 100 dollars. Added with the money I have now, theoretically, I could do it. That might be something I will have to think about. I want to leave New York in a few years anyway, this will just be jumping the gun.
I was thinking of dying my hair today but then I thought, God, I don't have money to just dye my hair right now but then I think screw it, I should just spend the money and think about the consequences later, sometimes you have to do that. I was even thinking of shopping today, LB has these real woman dollars and I have like 10 of them, shopping would make me feel a hell of a lot better. I think I'll just stay put though, I'm in one of those moods where I'll go off and do all kinds of things and then regret them later. Today though, is a pig out kind of day. I'll probably end up going to the store and buying a bunch of crap an cramming it down my throat. I have some money in my emergency fund that I could use for a situation just like this. Think I'll just blow dry my hair, give myself a pedicure and take it from there. Woe is me.
As I'm sitting here in my self wallowing glory, I realize, I want a "real" relationship. Here I have been playing with Mysterious Ex for over a year and this is stupid, I need more than this, I want someone who is dependable, who I know has my back and is on my side. I don't feel that I have that from him. He is unreliable, he is iffy. That is not what I want in my life. I am 27, everyone tells me, you're young, you're a kid but, I don't feel that. I am at a stage in my life where I'd like to know exactly what I am doing, not "hoping" for the best or wishing that things would be a certain way. I am tired of my relationship with Mysterious Ex. Our "thing" upsets me. I know that I deserve more, I know that I want more. This brings me to this thing with New Guy. I don't think I want him either. I like him but, there isn't that silly spark thing that I think I should feel. He's nice to hang out with, he's a cool guy but I'm not gaga over him. Should that come later on? Should that be there already? Who knows, maybe I'm just upset and slinging a bunch of crap now. I'm just tired of everything, I'm ready to move, I've been in this place, physically and spiritually for too long.
I was offered a job in South Carolina. I was thinking about going then I thought, God, I don't have any money, how am I going to get myself down there? I thought of renting my place but, where would I stay until I got enough money to get there? If I did one of thouse first and second month contracts, I could get enough money to go but, where would I put all of my stuff? Do I take everything with me? Do I rent out my place already furnished and buy new things in SC? I figured I could get about 1200 - 1500 a month since I have a two bedroom. Rent for a two bedroom in Columbia is only 500 a month, a deposit plus the extra charge for Sam is only like 100 dollars. Added with the money I have now, theoretically, I could do it. That might be something I will have to think about. I want to leave New York in a few years anyway, this will just be jumping the gun.
I was thinking of dying my hair today but then I thought, God, I don't have money to just dye my hair right now but then I think screw it, I should just spend the money and think about the consequences later, sometimes you have to do that. I was even thinking of shopping today, LB has these real woman dollars and I have like 10 of them, shopping would make me feel a hell of a lot better. I think I'll just stay put though, I'm in one of those moods where I'll go off and do all kinds of things and then regret them later. Today though, is a pig out kind of day. I'll probably end up going to the store and buying a bunch of crap an cramming it down my throat. I have some money in my emergency fund that I could use for a situation just like this. Think I'll just blow dry my hair, give myself a pedicure and take it from there. Woe is me.
5.20.2005
What's Going On?
I swear I must have a portal or something under my bed. In the last two days, I have lost my makeup and some nail glue. Mind you under my bed, there isn't much. I only have six pairs of shoes, shoes that don't fit in my shoe closet, and old speaker lifters. There isn't anything else. So, the other day before my interview, I of course did my makeup. I was not in a rush or anything like that, I put everything I used that morning, my makeup, powder, lipstick. perfume and deodarant on the shelf near my bed as I always do. I came up and went to clean off my shelf, to put things back where they should go and my foundation is missing. No big deal I think, it must have rolled on the floor or something. But I have looked everywhere, under the bed, on the shelf, I've moved all of the shoes from under the bed, I've basically thrown, (very gently) my bedroom apart and still haven't found it. I figured since I was looking under the bed, I might as well do a thorough cleaning. I found some hair pins and a hair clip but no foundation. I then looked in every pocketbook I own, even though I've only been using one lately no foundation. I looked in every room of my apartment, still no foundation, where has this thing gone? So this morning, I'm sitting across the bed reading the paper when I drop my nail glue, (in addition to reading the paper, I was gluing on one of my fake nails that fell off), anyway, I drop the nail glue and now that is gone too. Mind you, there isn't ANYTHING under the bed now wince I pulled those shoes out. Where does this stuff go? It's kind of scary but, it's truly annoying too. I want my crap back.
5.19.2005
I thought the confusion was supposed to go away
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: Cup of oatmeal, two slices of whole wheat toast, orange juice
Dinner: Chef Salad, Ice cream, snickers miniatures (my mom gave them to me)
Hours on phone: about 2.5
Resumes: 4
Exercise: None
Bought: new tongue ring and doll hair (I'm starting a new doll)
The last few days have been okay I guess. I have seen Mysterious Ex and New Guy twice each in the last five days so today, I am getting a much needed rest. Right now I guess things are okay. I am enjoying both their company, I'm going out a lot and I almost always have something to do but, things will not stay this uncomplicated. Yesterday, New Guy asked me if I would mind if he introduced me as his girlfriend when I met his friends. I feel really bad, I want to tell him "no, I'm not your girlfriend, don't do that" but then I think, New Guy would make a great boyfriend, why wouldn't I want him to be? Then I remember Mysterious Ex who has been making this great effort in our relationship, it's so weird. It's like he never does any of the silly things he used to do. It makes it a very strange situation for me to be apart of. I am not going to be able to keep this two "boyfriend" thing up, eventually, I am going to have to choose someone. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings in the the end of all of this, I can't be that person.
I was beginnign to get a bit worried because I haven't really heard from Lane Bryant. I think I would be great working there plus, I really want to work there. I was getting kind of anxious then, I had to remember I really only went on the interview two days ago. I guess it will take them that long to make decisions and call references. I have to admit that I am very nervous though. It has never taken me this long to get a job and truthfully, I can't understand why it is taking so long. I was going to call my alma mater and set up a meeting with the employment office thinking maybe they had some tips or techniques that I could probably use.
I have to exercise more. Though I haven't been gaining weight, I haven't been losing any either. I eat too much but, being home is conducive to overeating. I really don't have much to do, I rarely skip a meal, it's just very difficult to stay motivated when I'm not doing much outside of the house. I was walking again for a while but truthfully, that gets so boring. I was doing a lot of yard work but, once the over winter weeding and planting is done, maintainence doesn't really take much. I'm just tired of being here, I'm ready to move on and do something new. It bores me to be home.
I am so tired today. I was hanging out with New Guy until really late last night, he brought me home, came in for a while and then we stayed on the phone half the night since he called me when he got home. Yesterday, I was looking at all of these ghost pictures on line (since I have nothing to do) and so last night, I could not sleep. I am such a baby. I stayed up watching Shrek 2 until the sun came up and the birds were chirping. I really have to stop. Since I am bored, I think I am going to give myself a new hairstyle. I have been debating it for the last couple of days because I can at times, be very impulsive. I've been wearing my hair curly for about the last month, and though that has been fun, now it's just boring. Maybe I'll dye my hair, maybe I'll chop it all off, I'll see. I just feel restless, and sleepy, I think I'll go to bed now.
Breakfast: Cup of oatmeal, two slices of whole wheat toast, orange juice
Dinner: Chef Salad, Ice cream, snickers miniatures (my mom gave them to me)
Hours on phone: about 2.5
Resumes: 4
Exercise: None
Bought: new tongue ring and doll hair (I'm starting a new doll)
The last few days have been okay I guess. I have seen Mysterious Ex and New Guy twice each in the last five days so today, I am getting a much needed rest. Right now I guess things are okay. I am enjoying both their company, I'm going out a lot and I almost always have something to do but, things will not stay this uncomplicated. Yesterday, New Guy asked me if I would mind if he introduced me as his girlfriend when I met his friends. I feel really bad, I want to tell him "no, I'm not your girlfriend, don't do that" but then I think, New Guy would make a great boyfriend, why wouldn't I want him to be? Then I remember Mysterious Ex who has been making this great effort in our relationship, it's so weird. It's like he never does any of the silly things he used to do. It makes it a very strange situation for me to be apart of. I am not going to be able to keep this two "boyfriend" thing up, eventually, I am going to have to choose someone. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings in the the end of all of this, I can't be that person.
I was beginnign to get a bit worried because I haven't really heard from Lane Bryant. I think I would be great working there plus, I really want to work there. I was getting kind of anxious then, I had to remember I really only went on the interview two days ago. I guess it will take them that long to make decisions and call references. I have to admit that I am very nervous though. It has never taken me this long to get a job and truthfully, I can't understand why it is taking so long. I was going to call my alma mater and set up a meeting with the employment office thinking maybe they had some tips or techniques that I could probably use.
I have to exercise more. Though I haven't been gaining weight, I haven't been losing any either. I eat too much but, being home is conducive to overeating. I really don't have much to do, I rarely skip a meal, it's just very difficult to stay motivated when I'm not doing much outside of the house. I was walking again for a while but truthfully, that gets so boring. I was doing a lot of yard work but, once the over winter weeding and planting is done, maintainence doesn't really take much. I'm just tired of being here, I'm ready to move on and do something new. It bores me to be home.
I am so tired today. I was hanging out with New Guy until really late last night, he brought me home, came in for a while and then we stayed on the phone half the night since he called me when he got home. Yesterday, I was looking at all of these ghost pictures on line (since I have nothing to do) and so last night, I could not sleep. I am such a baby. I stayed up watching Shrek 2 until the sun came up and the birds were chirping. I really have to stop. Since I am bored, I think I am going to give myself a new hairstyle. I have been debating it for the last couple of days because I can at times, be very impulsive. I've been wearing my hair curly for about the last month, and though that has been fun, now it's just boring. Maybe I'll dye my hair, maybe I'll chop it all off, I'll see. I just feel restless, and sleepy, I think I'll go to bed now.
5.17.2005
Eaten So Far:
Breakfast: Frosted Flakes
Lunch: a little pasta and turkey
I plan of having a chef salad for dinner
Hours on Phone: Less than one
Exercise: Not a lot though I did have good intentions (my dad always said "the path to hell is paved with good intentions")
Bought: don't know if this counts but, I paid for a cab ride
I went to the interview with Lane Bryant today. Truthfully, it seemed like a really good place to work. Everyone seemed joyous and nice. Not that I was sincerely looking to get into retail but, it might be a nice change. I ran my own business for a while so, it may be a good change. They said they would let me know by Friday afternoon so, we'll see. The best part of the whole thing is the 40% discount, my eyes are nearly bulging out for that one, what fun that will be.
Spoke with Mysterious Ex and New Guy last night. It's strange but it seems inevitable that one will call if I am on the phone with the other. Even if I am not on the phone that long with one, the other calls in, it's like they have some kind of "cheating" sense. I am supposed to go to the Home Depot tonight with Mysterious Ex, he's taking me to get some perrenials and herb plants for my garden so, I guess I'll make him some dinner. I was going to have a chef salad tonight but, I guess I'll have to make him something a little snazzier. I am having dinner with New Guy tomorrow night so, I guess I'll take Thursday off.
Being home for as long as I have been may be having a negative effect on Samson. He's my baby, I love him, I've had him since he was 8 weeks old but since I have been home, he and I are almost always together. If I go shopping, he goes, when I manage to pry my fat ass off the couch and go for a walk, he comes along so on days when I have to get up and go without him, he has like a mini heart attack. This morning when I left, he threw himself around the house crying and whining horribly. I took him to my mom's house and she said he wouldn't eat, he just sat there sulking until I came home. Even as I write this, he is sitting behind me in the chair, if I get up or even move an inch or two, he jumps up and runs in what ever direction he thinks I'm going to go in the apartment. I think I should leave for different periods throughout the day to get him un - used to me. Poor puppy.
Breakfast: Frosted Flakes
Lunch: a little pasta and turkey
I plan of having a chef salad for dinner
Hours on Phone: Less than one
Exercise: Not a lot though I did have good intentions (my dad always said "the path to hell is paved with good intentions")
Bought: don't know if this counts but, I paid for a cab ride
I went to the interview with Lane Bryant today. Truthfully, it seemed like a really good place to work. Everyone seemed joyous and nice. Not that I was sincerely looking to get into retail but, it might be a nice change. I ran my own business for a while so, it may be a good change. They said they would let me know by Friday afternoon so, we'll see. The best part of the whole thing is the 40% discount, my eyes are nearly bulging out for that one, what fun that will be.
Spoke with Mysterious Ex and New Guy last night. It's strange but it seems inevitable that one will call if I am on the phone with the other. Even if I am not on the phone that long with one, the other calls in, it's like they have some kind of "cheating" sense. I am supposed to go to the Home Depot tonight with Mysterious Ex, he's taking me to get some perrenials and herb plants for my garden so, I guess I'll make him some dinner. I was going to have a chef salad tonight but, I guess I'll have to make him something a little snazzier. I am having dinner with New Guy tomorrow night so, I guess I'll take Thursday off.
Being home for as long as I have been may be having a negative effect on Samson. He's my baby, I love him, I've had him since he was 8 weeks old but since I have been home, he and I are almost always together. If I go shopping, he goes, when I manage to pry my fat ass off the couch and go for a walk, he comes along so on days when I have to get up and go without him, he has like a mini heart attack. This morning when I left, he threw himself around the house crying and whining horribly. I took him to my mom's house and she said he wouldn't eat, he just sat there sulking until I came home. Even as I write this, he is sitting behind me in the chair, if I get up or even move an inch or two, he jumps up and runs in what ever direction he thinks I'm going to go in the apartment. I think I should leave for different periods throughout the day to get him un - used to me. Poor puppy.
5.14.2005
I was speaking with this friend of mine last night who is normally a seemingly good person, but yesterday she did something that really pissed me off. I have a phobia that I have had since I was younger. It is not debilitating and does not affect the day to day goings on of my life, it is just something that I don't like to think about, I won't watch movies or television shows about it and I don't like to talk about it. On the chance that I happen to see a show or movie about it, I turn and try not to think about it at night, otherwise, I will have a hard time falling asleep. Again, it is very easy for me to avoid this thing and doing so doesn't make me into some weird freak, it isn't as though I'm afraid of tissue or aluminum foil or something like that (sorry if you happen to be afraid of tissue or aluminum foil, I'm sure you're not a freak, I was just using that as an example). It's a pretty obscure thing that I'm afraid of actually, and I really only have to confront the fear like maybe two or three times a year, nothing big. Anyway, this particular friend happens to know my phobia, so while talking to her yesterday, she kind of indirectly touched on the subject. Right after she said something alluding to the subject, she immediately said, "oh, let me not talk about that, I know that you are afraid" and then instead of NOT talking about it, she went on to talk about it. She then told me that I need to "get over it", suggested I see a doctor and that I just "need to talk about it". Now, let me reiterate, it is not as though this is a common everyday thing people talk about like maybe q tips and then I start screaming. #1 - It's a pretty obscure topic as far as normal conversation goes, #2 - My phobia is something that only affects me, if I am sleeping alone at night, it is difficult for me to sleep because essentially, I become very afraid. I couldn't believe she was doing that, I was very upset and thought, WTF?! I put the phone down while she was going on and on and then got back on the phone and told her, "Not to be funny, but I really don't think that's cool. It isn't funny, it's a genuine fear of mine and I really just don't like to talk or hear about it." She then went on some more about it, I mean, My God! If you know that someone is afraid of something, even if you yourself find it silly, if this person is your friend or even not, if you have compassion, you don't just go on and on and then dismiss this person's fears, what the hell is that about? I thought it was so rude as well as being disrespectful,I asked my Mom about it and I don't think I'm making more of it than I should.
So, I spent time with New Guy and Mysterious Ex yesterday. I had a good time with both of them though I must admit, I was so tired last night. I went straight to bed and slept the entire night through. And God, I was so full, I hate so well yesterday, not that I normally don't eat well but, I didn't have to cook, it was wonderful. I had a sort of brunch, late lunch with New Guy, we went to see a movie and walked around a bit, he bout me flowers, red roses which I like and then he brought me home, I invited him in for a bit but told him I had to get dressed because I was supposed to go out again. He assumed I was going out with my cousin and I didn't correct his assumption. The only problem was, he offered to drive me to meet her and he knows I am unemployed (dropping me off could save me money in carfare), but I told him "she" was coming to pick me up. I then ran, took a shower, re did my makeup (for a more night time, sultry look), and changed into my night time, come hither attire. Mysterious Ex and I went to eat, then we went to the pier which is one of our favorite places, (we went there on our first date). I had a great time with both of them and have decided to take the advice given to me and just enjoy myself for now. I guess things will work themselves out.
The interview went pretty well, I was really nervous and kind of weirded out about it but, it was far better than I expected. The kids seem well behaved and it is a position I mat seriously consider taking. I have three interviews this week (woo hoo!) so I told the mom I would let her know later this week. I have an interview with Lane Bryant (a plus size clothing store) for a managerial position, and two schools for employment in September. Ideally, I would LOVE to get a job at Lane Bryant that I would keep until September, and then start teaching again. I am not sure if that is how things will work out but, it's good to dream. I'm supposed to see Mysterious Ex again tonight but truth be told, I'm not sure if I'm up to it. I appreciate his trying to make more of an effort towards our relationship but truthfully, dating two guys is hard, I don't know how people carry on affairs, have marriages and jobs. If I'm going to have to go back to work soon (which I hope I will), someone's going to have to go because I am not sure if I can keep this schedule up.
Samson and I have spent the entire day together, I felt so bad since I pushed him off on my mom yesterday. Feeling like a guilty mom, I bought him a hot dog when we went to the park he was quite happy slurping it up so it alleviated some of my guiltiness. The thing is now he's funking up the house. I think I'd rather feel guilty than be in here with this stench.
Eaten Yesterday:
Brunch/Lunch: Rice, Broccoli, Spicy Chicken
Dinner: Stuffed, smothered pork chop, green beans, macaroni and cheese
Hours on Phone: less than 1
Resumes: none
Exercise: No formal exercise, did a lot of walking
Bought: nada
So, I spent time with New Guy and Mysterious Ex yesterday. I had a good time with both of them though I must admit, I was so tired last night. I went straight to bed and slept the entire night through. And God, I was so full, I hate so well yesterday, not that I normally don't eat well but, I didn't have to cook, it was wonderful. I had a sort of brunch, late lunch with New Guy, we went to see a movie and walked around a bit, he bout me flowers, red roses which I like and then he brought me home, I invited him in for a bit but told him I had to get dressed because I was supposed to go out again. He assumed I was going out with my cousin and I didn't correct his assumption. The only problem was, he offered to drive me to meet her and he knows I am unemployed (dropping me off could save me money in carfare), but I told him "she" was coming to pick me up. I then ran, took a shower, re did my makeup (for a more night time, sultry look), and changed into my night time, come hither attire. Mysterious Ex and I went to eat, then we went to the pier which is one of our favorite places, (we went there on our first date). I had a great time with both of them and have decided to take the advice given to me and just enjoy myself for now. I guess things will work themselves out.
The interview went pretty well, I was really nervous and kind of weirded out about it but, it was far better than I expected. The kids seem well behaved and it is a position I mat seriously consider taking. I have three interviews this week (woo hoo!) so I told the mom I would let her know later this week. I have an interview with Lane Bryant (a plus size clothing store) for a managerial position, and two schools for employment in September. Ideally, I would LOVE to get a job at Lane Bryant that I would keep until September, and then start teaching again. I am not sure if that is how things will work out but, it's good to dream. I'm supposed to see Mysterious Ex again tonight but truth be told, I'm not sure if I'm up to it. I appreciate his trying to make more of an effort towards our relationship but truthfully, dating two guys is hard, I don't know how people carry on affairs, have marriages and jobs. If I'm going to have to go back to work soon (which I hope I will), someone's going to have to go because I am not sure if I can keep this schedule up.
Samson and I have spent the entire day together, I felt so bad since I pushed him off on my mom yesterday. Feeling like a guilty mom, I bought him a hot dog when we went to the park he was quite happy slurping it up so it alleviated some of my guiltiness. The thing is now he's funking up the house. I think I'd rather feel guilty than be in here with this stench.
Eaten Yesterday:
Brunch/Lunch: Rice, Broccoli, Spicy Chicken
Dinner: Stuffed, smothered pork chop, green beans, macaroni and cheese
Hours on Phone: less than 1
Resumes: none
Exercise: No formal exercise, did a lot of walking
Bought: nada
I Am Nervous as All Hell
So, I went out with New Guy last night and have to admit that I had a good time. He wants to do something this afternoon so I am sitting here waiting for him to pick me up. I am supposed to go out with Mysterious Ex tonight also, I feel so whorish. My friend T says that I have too much of a conscience. She calls me the leader of the moral parade. I will not go that far but, I do feel weird about this situation. Not that anything truly salacious (sp?) is going on, it isn't as though I am sleeping with New Guy but, I still feel like a horrible cheat. I had to lie to M.E. last night. It wasn't my intention but it just sort of happened. He asked me what I was doing for the night (he wanted to hang out), I couldn't just go, "Oh, going out with this guy". I don't want to walk this path. I am going to have to come up with a solution as quickly as possible because, I can't continue on this route.
5.13.2005
Who Am I to Turn Down a Job?
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: Egg, sausage on a roll, coffee
Dinner: Getting ready to go out now, probably to Akwabaa or Marroon's
so dinner will be high caloried
Hours on Phone: About 3, spoke to G today
Resumes: 3
Exercise: Nada (I'm so bad, and lazy too)
Bought: Dog Food (Samson has to eat too)
I have a job interview tomorrow with a family who is looking for a Governess/Home School Educator. The job pays $55,000 a year, is not far from home and is with a seemingly good family. For all intent and purposes, I should be jumping for joy, excited that I can actually get back into the job market making as much money as I was before I mean really, in my current predicament, who am I to turn down a job? However, I have some huge reservations about what is expected of me. I liken myself to be a professional, someone who takes her job seriously and has invested well into her education in preparation for the world. I think this job is much like an overpaid baby sitter (I don't turn up my nose at being over paid for anything) and I feel a bit weird about it. In addition to teaching the children, I am expected to prepare their breakfast, lunch and sometimes dinner, take them to the park and appointments, I guess much like a stand in mommy. Why on earth someone would want another person doing all of this for their children is beyond me but, I am not here to judge that end of it. I guess I am afraid of working in such close quarters with a family. Will I be expectdd to teach the children in the fashion that the mom would if she weren't busy working? Would someone be over my shoulder checking everything that I do? These are their children after all, not like I'm mopping a floor or something simple like that. What about the children? Are they going to be some spoiled no listening kids that I'll want to smack up? (though I never would) And, this has crossed my mind more than a few times, since I am a black chick, and a fat black chick at that, will these people look at me as being some type of mammy figure for their children? Being a woman of color, when I see other women of color with children who are white and obviously not theirs I must admit I have looked at themm like, "wow, are we going back there, taking care of "their" children?" I don't know how I feel about it. I don't want to be a racist but, I can't help but feel as though maybe I will be viewed as some type of house negro taking care of the "folkses babies". Maybe I'm being silly, maybe I'm reading too much into something that is far more simpler. When I spoke to the mom, she said she was most impressed by my attending Columbia and starting my own businesses. Maybe I AM being paranoid but, it still bothers me somewhat.
Breakfast: Egg, sausage on a roll, coffee
Dinner: Getting ready to go out now, probably to Akwabaa or Marroon's
so dinner will be high caloried
Hours on Phone: About 3, spoke to G today
Resumes: 3
Exercise: Nada (I'm so bad, and lazy too)
Bought: Dog Food (Samson has to eat too)
I have a job interview tomorrow with a family who is looking for a Governess/Home School Educator. The job pays $55,000 a year, is not far from home and is with a seemingly good family. For all intent and purposes, I should be jumping for joy, excited that I can actually get back into the job market making as much money as I was before I mean really, in my current predicament, who am I to turn down a job? However, I have some huge reservations about what is expected of me. I liken myself to be a professional, someone who takes her job seriously and has invested well into her education in preparation for the world. I think this job is much like an overpaid baby sitter (I don't turn up my nose at being over paid for anything) and I feel a bit weird about it. In addition to teaching the children, I am expected to prepare their breakfast, lunch and sometimes dinner, take them to the park and appointments, I guess much like a stand in mommy. Why on earth someone would want another person doing all of this for their children is beyond me but, I am not here to judge that end of it. I guess I am afraid of working in such close quarters with a family. Will I be expectdd to teach the children in the fashion that the mom would if she weren't busy working? Would someone be over my shoulder checking everything that I do? These are their children after all, not like I'm mopping a floor or something simple like that. What about the children? Are they going to be some spoiled no listening kids that I'll want to smack up? (though I never would) And, this has crossed my mind more than a few times, since I am a black chick, and a fat black chick at that, will these people look at me as being some type of mammy figure for their children? Being a woman of color, when I see other women of color with children who are white and obviously not theirs I must admit I have looked at themm like, "wow, are we going back there, taking care of "their" children?" I don't know how I feel about it. I don't want to be a racist but, I can't help but feel as though maybe I will be viewed as some type of house negro taking care of the "folkses babies". Maybe I'm being silly, maybe I'm reading too much into something that is far more simpler. When I spoke to the mom, she said she was most impressed by my attending Columbia and starting my own businesses. Maybe I AM being paranoid but, it still bothers me somewhat.
Wow
I had yet another stimulating conversation with New Guy last night and he tells me,
"I know that your relationship with Mysterious Ex is deep. I know that you love and care for him and I am sure he thinks he loves you" (New Guy can be a little jabbing and sarcastic toward M.E. sometimes) "and if my intentions were anything but true I would back off. I am not trying to woo you to make you my play thing or girlfriend or anything foolish like that. M.E. had over a year with you, if he hasn't gotten himself together as of yet and realized the kind of woman you are and the greatness you can bring to a relationship then he is a fool. My intentions towards you are to try to get you, you call it wooing, I call it the start of my family, my intentions towards you result in marriage and family."
I didn't know what to say. The best I could get out was a less than enthusiastic "Okay" I mean, what do I say to that? I love that he said it, I am flattered, I am happy but deep down somewhere, I wanted that to come from you know who. He suggested that I not talk to Mysterious Ex for like a week. He tells me in that time, I will forget about him. He also said I am so used to being with M.E. that I have come to expect that he is what I deserve when according to him, that is far from true. He then invited me to go on vacation with him next month. He said he would make reservations for me and Samson. I agreed to have dinner with him tonight but even thinking about it makes my stomach hurt. I spoke to my cousin T and she tells me, that I should go out with New Guy. She tells me to stop it with M.E., this back and forth, trying to make things work, she tells me to get myself out of this rut.
Between the ages of 18 and 23, I was involved in this relationship with this guy (who I have rather affectionately refered to as Fat Bastard ever since) that I loved so much, I once fell out of a chair and cried naked on the floor for over an hour after he told me he had been sleeping with another girl. (I also laid in bed for ten days and did NOTHING but drink pepsi after we REALLY broke up, but that's another story). During the relationship, I thought there were things that could have been helped or changed or saved. I even agreed to marry this guy and had our children's names picked out and everything. When it all finally ended, it took me like a year to get over him and GOD, it hurt like hell. When I was finally over him and away from the hurt long enough I remember thinking, my goodness, what did I ever see in him? He was unambitious (if that is a word), he's insensitive, incompassionate, I remember one time he kicked a cat, he cheated on me, called me stuck up, exclaimed loudly one day in front of his friends that he didn't like going out with me because I "speak like a stuck up white girl" (he meant that to be derogatory), he was rather ghetto, not quite stupid but against learning new things, among a host of other crap. Is this where I am with Mysterious Ex? I mean, not that I am comparing M.E. to him per se but, I thought I had grown. On the surface, Mysterious Ex is a far better choice. He's well educated, ambitious (very much so), he has a great job which he loves, he's sensitive, he's supportive of me and not threatened by me, he's very intelligent, we have great conversations, he's funny, sweet, he has all of these great qualities but something is wrong with us, though I don't want to admit it, it's true. If he is so good, why are "we" so hard? Am I in a place where I am just so stuck on him that I can't see anything else? We connect but, there is something wrong. I told T the other day that I feel like a version of myself around M.E., there are certain things I won't say, there are certain things I won't do, it isn't as though I think, I'm not going to do this that or the other, or even as though I think he won't approve, I just don't do certain things. Why am I censoring myself? Why do I do that?
The other thng is this. Mysterious Ex was engaged before we got together and this girl, at least according to him, screwed him over pretty bad. She was cheating on him and a lot of people he knew, knew about it though no one really told him and she made things between them seem the same as it had always been. She hurt him really bad, I know what's that like as does half the world, we've all been there. Some of us are able to recover better than others, M.E. was one of those people who has taken a long time to get over it. He still has lots of issues stemming from that relationship. I don't want to screw him over again. I love him so I am conscious of the ramifications my actions will have on him. I don't want to just toss his feelings aside. I feel that by continuing this thing with New Guy, that is exactly what I am doing. I mean fine, he doesn't haven't to know now, which I do feel horribly about but, what if this grows into something bigger, what if I fall in love with New Guy? Do I just go, sorry M.E., things like this happen, good luck?. I know that my feelings come before anyone else's, I know that I have to be happy above all others but, I am not willing to cause him pain for my happiness. That is too selfish a move for me, I am not that person so, do I tell him now? Do we have this conversation? I'm not ready for that either. I feel that I am paralyzed by fear, something I don't want to own up to. I fear what will happen between Mysterious Ex and I if I continue seeing New Guy, I fear what WON'T happen between Mysterious Ex and I if I continue this relationship with him alone. I don't fear being alone, but, I do fear hurting people unnecessarily. I don't want to hurt New Guy or Myserious Ex but most importantly, I don't want to hurt myself.
"I know that your relationship with Mysterious Ex is deep. I know that you love and care for him and I am sure he thinks he loves you" (New Guy can be a little jabbing and sarcastic toward M.E. sometimes) "and if my intentions were anything but true I would back off. I am not trying to woo you to make you my play thing or girlfriend or anything foolish like that. M.E. had over a year with you, if he hasn't gotten himself together as of yet and realized the kind of woman you are and the greatness you can bring to a relationship then he is a fool. My intentions towards you are to try to get you, you call it wooing, I call it the start of my family, my intentions towards you result in marriage and family."
I didn't know what to say. The best I could get out was a less than enthusiastic "Okay" I mean, what do I say to that? I love that he said it, I am flattered, I am happy but deep down somewhere, I wanted that to come from you know who. He suggested that I not talk to Mysterious Ex for like a week. He tells me in that time, I will forget about him. He also said I am so used to being with M.E. that I have come to expect that he is what I deserve when according to him, that is far from true. He then invited me to go on vacation with him next month. He said he would make reservations for me and Samson. I agreed to have dinner with him tonight but even thinking about it makes my stomach hurt. I spoke to my cousin T and she tells me, that I should go out with New Guy. She tells me to stop it with M.E., this back and forth, trying to make things work, she tells me to get myself out of this rut.
Between the ages of 18 and 23, I was involved in this relationship with this guy (who I have rather affectionately refered to as Fat Bastard ever since) that I loved so much, I once fell out of a chair and cried naked on the floor for over an hour after he told me he had been sleeping with another girl. (I also laid in bed for ten days and did NOTHING but drink pepsi after we REALLY broke up, but that's another story). During the relationship, I thought there were things that could have been helped or changed or saved. I even agreed to marry this guy and had our children's names picked out and everything. When it all finally ended, it took me like a year to get over him and GOD, it hurt like hell. When I was finally over him and away from the hurt long enough I remember thinking, my goodness, what did I ever see in him? He was unambitious (if that is a word), he's insensitive, incompassionate, I remember one time he kicked a cat, he cheated on me, called me stuck up, exclaimed loudly one day in front of his friends that he didn't like going out with me because I "speak like a stuck up white girl" (he meant that to be derogatory), he was rather ghetto, not quite stupid but against learning new things, among a host of other crap. Is this where I am with Mysterious Ex? I mean, not that I am comparing M.E. to him per se but, I thought I had grown. On the surface, Mysterious Ex is a far better choice. He's well educated, ambitious (very much so), he has a great job which he loves, he's sensitive, he's supportive of me and not threatened by me, he's very intelligent, we have great conversations, he's funny, sweet, he has all of these great qualities but something is wrong with us, though I don't want to admit it, it's true. If he is so good, why are "we" so hard? Am I in a place where I am just so stuck on him that I can't see anything else? We connect but, there is something wrong. I told T the other day that I feel like a version of myself around M.E., there are certain things I won't say, there are certain things I won't do, it isn't as though I think, I'm not going to do this that or the other, or even as though I think he won't approve, I just don't do certain things. Why am I censoring myself? Why do I do that?
The other thng is this. Mysterious Ex was engaged before we got together and this girl, at least according to him, screwed him over pretty bad. She was cheating on him and a lot of people he knew, knew about it though no one really told him and she made things between them seem the same as it had always been. She hurt him really bad, I know what's that like as does half the world, we've all been there. Some of us are able to recover better than others, M.E. was one of those people who has taken a long time to get over it. He still has lots of issues stemming from that relationship. I don't want to screw him over again. I love him so I am conscious of the ramifications my actions will have on him. I don't want to just toss his feelings aside. I feel that by continuing this thing with New Guy, that is exactly what I am doing. I mean fine, he doesn't haven't to know now, which I do feel horribly about but, what if this grows into something bigger, what if I fall in love with New Guy? Do I just go, sorry M.E., things like this happen, good luck?. I know that my feelings come before anyone else's, I know that I have to be happy above all others but, I am not willing to cause him pain for my happiness. That is too selfish a move for me, I am not that person so, do I tell him now? Do we have this conversation? I'm not ready for that either. I feel that I am paralyzed by fear, something I don't want to own up to. I fear what will happen between Mysterious Ex and I if I continue seeing New Guy, I fear what WON'T happen between Mysterious Ex and I if I continue this relationship with him alone. I don't fear being alone, but, I do fear hurting people unnecessarily. I don't want to hurt New Guy or Myserious Ex but most importantly, I don't want to hurt myself.
5.12.2005
Eaten Today
Breakfast: Egg and Bacon on a roll and coffee
Dinner: Caesar salad and iced tea
Hours on the Phone: about 1
Resumes: 6
Exercise: Not much today
Bought: a sympathy card
Death is a sad thing. I feel bad about saying mean things about E's family earlier. I mean, they are the people I said they were but, this was a really big blow to them. I felt expecially bad for her mom since she lost a child. It was a really hard thing.
I told E I would call her over the weekend. I don't mind being there for her through this ordeal, I hope that I can be a good friend to her.
Being at the wake today made me think of things greatly. E's sister was rather young, only in her mid forties. I haven't spoken to E in nearly three years and in that time, she has gotten a divorce and has the most beautiful daughter and I think that my life is seemingly the same. On the one hand, not really because my job situation is different, I've grown as a person but my personal life seems very much the same. Three years ago, I was involved with this crazy guy, upset with the way our relationship was going, upset with my love life. Right now, I feel the same. My personal life is not where I want it would be or where I thought it would be. Mind you, I never really have expectations on where I think I should specifically be but, I would think that at my age, I could say I am involved in an adult relationship looking towards something more than possibly being someone's girlfriend.
Last night, I had this conversation with New Guy. He thinks that if we spend more time together, that we would definitely be on the marriage track. He's a great person, if hypothetically we were to get together on that level, I'm sure he would make a good partner and co-parent. Do I see that with him as of yet? I'm not sure. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I dn't allow myself to see him that way. I think that I have to push myself forward. I am safely staying in this place where I don't have to push myself out of where I am, like I am afraid to move. I think that this whole thing with Mysterious Ex is comfortable to me because I know what to expect from him, our relationship no matter how bad, has a certain pattern that I am accustomed to. I think that is sad but, it is the truth. I have to make myself break out of the pattern I have set myself into. I think that most definitely entails letting Mysterious Ex go. Whether or not I am ready to do that is another story though, I know it is probably best for me. I think to myself, you're a smart girl, you know what is good for you and what is not but, my heart as so much more say in this decision than my logical brain. I know that it will hurt but no matter how screwed up we are, I like being with him, I don't really know what that's about and I don't think I like it very much.
Breakfast: Egg and Bacon on a roll and coffee
Dinner: Caesar salad and iced tea
Hours on the Phone: about 1
Resumes: 6
Exercise: Not much today
Bought: a sympathy card
Death is a sad thing. I feel bad about saying mean things about E's family earlier. I mean, they are the people I said they were but, this was a really big blow to them. I felt expecially bad for her mom since she lost a child. It was a really hard thing.
I told E I would call her over the weekend. I don't mind being there for her through this ordeal, I hope that I can be a good friend to her.
Being at the wake today made me think of things greatly. E's sister was rather young, only in her mid forties. I haven't spoken to E in nearly three years and in that time, she has gotten a divorce and has the most beautiful daughter and I think that my life is seemingly the same. On the one hand, not really because my job situation is different, I've grown as a person but my personal life seems very much the same. Three years ago, I was involved with this crazy guy, upset with the way our relationship was going, upset with my love life. Right now, I feel the same. My personal life is not where I want it would be or where I thought it would be. Mind you, I never really have expectations on where I think I should specifically be but, I would think that at my age, I could say I am involved in an adult relationship looking towards something more than possibly being someone's girlfriend.
Last night, I had this conversation with New Guy. He thinks that if we spend more time together, that we would definitely be on the marriage track. He's a great person, if hypothetically we were to get together on that level, I'm sure he would make a good partner and co-parent. Do I see that with him as of yet? I'm not sure. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I dn't allow myself to see him that way. I think that I have to push myself forward. I am safely staying in this place where I don't have to push myself out of where I am, like I am afraid to move. I think that this whole thing with Mysterious Ex is comfortable to me because I know what to expect from him, our relationship no matter how bad, has a certain pattern that I am accustomed to. I think that is sad but, it is the truth. I have to make myself break out of the pattern I have set myself into. I think that most definitely entails letting Mysterious Ex go. Whether or not I am ready to do that is another story though, I know it is probably best for me. I think to myself, you're a smart girl, you know what is good for you and what is not but, my heart as so much more say in this decision than my logical brain. I know that it will hurt but no matter how screwed up we are, I like being with him, I don't really know what that's about and I don't think I like it very much.
Oh My God, I HATE, Stupid People
So, I'm fresh off of my hate fest with stupid AOL from yesterday. (By the way, I am totally going to find a new ISP, I might take the advice of The Ming(thanks) and get a cable connection 'cause AOL blows) Anyway, I wake up this morning, have a great breakfast as well as very stimulating conversation with my cousing and return home to find that I have a message from a place where I applied to worked. Woo Hoo!, I think because frankly, I am in desperate need of a job. The position is for Teaching Artist (basically, a glorified Art Teacher's position but, hey, who am I to complain. They wanted someone who is an artist (check for me) and someone who has teaching experience (second check for me). That's basically it. To put things into perspective, I am going to post my resume, just so that there is an idea of my qualifications:
My Name
My Phone Number
My Street Address
My City, State and Zip Code
My Email Address
HIGHLIGHTS OF QUALIFICATIONS
EFFECTIVE, ORGANIZED EDUCATOR with over 5 years experience. Combines a love for the arts with New York State standards to successfully develop lessons that engage students, promotes learning and a sense of accomplishment. Great classroom management and superb interpersonal skills. Core competencies include:
Creation and implementation of lesson plans targeting students of multiple intelligence
Creation of Individual Education Programs
Behavior modification through Montessori like approach to teaching
Specialty in Literacy and writing skills
Strong Conflict Resolution Skills
Excellent Classroom Management
Specializing in educating academically delayed students
Creating and directing extracurricular activities
Teacher Training
Team Leadership
EXPERIENCE
OWNER AND PRESIDENT Samson and Delilah's Doggy Style (09/2003 - present)
Samson and Delilah's Doggy Style is a mail order business providing clothing, accessories and baked goods for the distinguishing person and their companion animal. We offer, clothing and a wide range of
accessories along with cakes and other pet friendly baked goods. We also provide party planning and consultation for pet oriented events. We provided services for the hit HBO show Sex and the City.
As the owner of this company, I have many skills including but not limited to:
Recruiting and training personnel including assistant managers, customer service, administrative and production staff working both full-time and part-time positions
Hiring and supervising a staff of up to 15 with responsibility for performance evaluations, benefits and payroll administration including state and federal taxes
Overseeing operations including customer service, accounting, auditing, advertising, inventory control and order fulfillment for departments with sales of up to $100,000 annually
EDUCATOR AND HOME SCHOOL CONSULTANT, Brooklyn, NY, Grades 2 - 12, (09/2003 -present)
Create engaging lessons that meet NY State standards for students who are academically delayed or in need of enrichment. Provide support for classroom teacher and parents by providing an alternate education source. Increase skills of students in areas such as literacy, writing, social awareness, science and arithmetic. Create alternate outlets for behaviorally challenged students which include, art and
yoga.
CLASSROOM TEACHER, PS 123 The Suydam School, Brooklyn, NY, Grade 4, (09/ 2000 - 06/ 2003)
As a Classroom Teacher, I worked in an ever changing environment where my organizational, interpersonal, authoritative and professional skills were continuously challenged.
Stringently prepared my students for the ELA and standardized mathematics and science tests with 99% success rate. Provided leadership and support to new teachers.
Created inviting and exciting classroom environment that was conducive to learning.
Educated academically delayed and behavior challenged students.
Used formal and informal assessment strategies to evaluate and ensure the continuous intellectual, social and physical development of students.
Along with two colleagues, created Building Community Through Movement, an after school program composed of Karate, Yoga and African dance which supplemented physical education for students who received additional academic support during school hours. Not only was this program successful for the physical achievement of our children, 98% improved academically, socially, and behaviorally.
Created an after school program based on gardening and improving the community. Students planted trees, flowers and vegetables and cleaned community gardens.
TEACHER, PS 309, Brooklyn, NY Grades 3 - 6, (01/ 2000 - 06/ 2000)
Created engaging and challenging social studies and science lessons.
Educated students of multiple intelligence including inclusion classes.
Worked closely with supervisors to ensure academic standards of lessons.
ART INSTRUCTOR, St. John the Evangelist Elementary School, Grades 6-8, (09/ 1998 - 05/ 1999)
Created Art curriculum
Managed and purchased necessary art supplies
Solicited donations from companies and retail outlets to supplement school art inventory
Implemented lessons in art from art history to art creation tailored to ability levels
ART INSTRUCTOR, St. John's University's Metropolitan College, (09/1997 - 05/ 1999)
Created Art curriculum for approval by the dean
Encouraged group motivation which created a learning environment that stressed positive social interaction, active engagement in learning and self-motivation
EDUCATION
Columbia University Teacher's College, New York, NY
Master of Art Secondary Art Education
Master of Science in Education Elementary Education
New York State Certification May 2002
St. John's University, Jamaica, NY
Bachelor of Fine Art Fine Art and Graphic Design September 1999
Okay, and that's right, not one, but TWO Masters and a double major. So basically this is how the conversation goes:
Me: Hello, this is MY NAME, I am calling to speak to J.O., he left me a message concerning the position of Teaching Artist.
J.O. (stupid person if you haven't figured it out): Yes, My Name, I called you.
Me, (after a few seconds of awkward silence): yes, you did. Would you like to speak about the position?
J.O. (already labeled in my mind as a stupid person): Uh,....., Um,... Uh, yes, this position is for a Teaching Artist, tell me, what do you think a Teaching Artist is? (rather condescendingly) Do you know what a Teaching Artist is?
Me: I would assume that it was an Art Teacher of sorts.
J.O. (sounding more and more stupid by the moment): Uh,........., Um, not quite. A Teaching Artist is an artist that teaches.
Me: Okay.
J.O.: I see that you have extensive experience helping (HELPING MIND YOU, I'M A FUCKING TEACHER DUDE, GIVE ME A BREAK!) children.
Me: Not quite, I was a teacher for over 5 years. I started and ran two afterschool programs and taught upwards of 36 children at a time. I was a classroom teacher. If you look at my resume, I have two Masters in education.
J.O.: Oh, Uh, ......., Um, ......., oh yes, I have your resume. Let me ask you, do you like children?
Me: Excuse me?
J.O.: Do you like children?
Me: I have taught children for over 5 years. I have worked by choice, with children in grades 3 - 6 for my adult life, yes, I like children.
J.O.: Are you an artist?
Me: I am a painter, and illustrator, I make dolls and I have double undergraduate degrees in Fine Arts and Graphic Design.
J.O.: Are you an artist?
Me: Yes.
J.O.: We are most interested in your experience at P.S. 123, was that full time?
Me: Yes, I was a classroom teacher. I taught all subjects and was in the classroom with the children all day, I was the classroom teacher.
J.O.: So that was full time?
Me: Yes.
J.O.: (Even though the postion was specifically for upper elementary) How do you feel about kindergarten children?
Me: Well truthfully, the majority of my experience has been with children in grades 3 and up, I don't have extensive expereince with kindergarteners.
J.O.: So you uh......, um......., don't like them?
Me: I don't have experience with children that young, I don't not like them, I don't have experience with them to draw upon.
J.O.: You don't like them.
Me: I didn't say that.
J.O.: Uh, huh. Um........,This position starts in the fall, it's two hours a week. We need someone really flamboyant and out there to get these kids going, this will be anafterschool program. Do you have experience with afterschool?
Me: Yes, I helped start and run two after school programs. But truthfully, I'm looking for something a little more full time, more than two hours a week.
J.O.: Well, It isn't going to pay your rent, you'll have to get another job.
Me: I don't think this will be a good position for me.
J.O.: Good Luck, bye. Hangs up the phone.
My God, he was such an idiot. I wish I could have taped it so that it could be rebroadcast. I wanted to laugh during the entire thing. I have never had experience with an interviewer like this, it was ridiculous. Where do they get people like this? I find it so rude that the person interviewing me isn't at least of the same intelligence as me. How can you determine whether or not I am a good fit for the position when #1, you don't have a command of the english language, #2, you obviously have some basic comprehension problems? This is ridiculous. Then he tells me "Good Luck and Bye" with such an attitude as though I wasted his time. I am sincerely thinking of sending a very damaging letter to his place of employment I mean my God, was he nervous, on herion, eating a bagel? WTF? I can't take it. I'll write more later, I have to get dressed later.
This may sound really mean to complain about and believe me, I'm not really complaining about it but, I am. My friend E's sister passed away. I feel really bad for her, I went through the death of my dad not so long ago. The thing is, I haven't spoken to E in like three years because she is one of those annoying and needy friends. If I speak to her one day it's like I'll have to talk to her 7 or 8 times a day as she complains about her socks, shoes, television, cereal, any and everything little thing that happens in her life. All the while, she, her family, friends, child or anyonee that is visiting her house is yelling in the background at the top of thier lungs scraming in a multitude of languages and joining in our conversation. Speaking to her is draining. This is mean and I'm only writing this becasue I know she will NEVER read this but, E, and her family are SO annoying. They are ALL SO loud and they tell really bad jokes that they all think are funny even though they really aren't. They all dress in this old lady type clothing though truth be told, they are very sweet people, they are just annoying as hell. So, I am dreading having to go to this wake today because I am not in the mood to be around these folk. I'll have to talk to them and laugh at their crappy jokes. This is one they have been telling for years: They are all about 5'2, I happen to be 5'9" and I LOVE heels so I am usually about 6 feet tall when I'm outside. During the course of any event where I am around them one of them inevitably says, "How's it going up there?" or this one "Jeez, think you can lend me some leg?" at which they all simultaneously (and I'm talking about 20 people in all) burst out laughing, holding their bellys and wiping tears from their eyes. That's not even that funny. Once, I ran it across my cousin to see if maybe they had some inside joke going or they were being sarcastic but, they are way too simple for that, like they aren't savvy enough to be sarcastic.
Boy, I'm evil, I might go to hell for that one.
My Name
My Phone Number
My Street Address
My City, State and Zip Code
My Email Address
HIGHLIGHTS OF QUALIFICATIONS
EFFECTIVE, ORGANIZED EDUCATOR with over 5 years experience. Combines a love for the arts with New York State standards to successfully develop lessons that engage students, promotes learning and a sense of accomplishment. Great classroom management and superb interpersonal skills. Core competencies include:
Creation and implementation of lesson plans targeting students of multiple intelligence
Creation of Individual Education Programs
Behavior modification through Montessori like approach to teaching
Specialty in Literacy and writing skills
Strong Conflict Resolution Skills
Excellent Classroom Management
Specializing in educating academically delayed students
Creating and directing extracurricular activities
Teacher Training
Team Leadership
EXPERIENCE
OWNER AND PRESIDENT Samson and Delilah's Doggy Style (09/2003 - present)
Samson and Delilah's Doggy Style is a mail order business providing clothing, accessories and baked goods for the distinguishing person and their companion animal. We offer, clothing and a wide range of
accessories along with cakes and other pet friendly baked goods. We also provide party planning and consultation for pet oriented events. We provided services for the hit HBO show Sex and the City.
As the owner of this company, I have many skills including but not limited to:
Recruiting and training personnel including assistant managers, customer service, administrative and production staff working both full-time and part-time positions
Hiring and supervising a staff of up to 15 with responsibility for performance evaluations, benefits and payroll administration including state and federal taxes
Overseeing operations including customer service, accounting, auditing, advertising, inventory control and order fulfillment for departments with sales of up to $100,000 annually
EDUCATOR AND HOME SCHOOL CONSULTANT, Brooklyn, NY, Grades 2 - 12, (09/2003 -present)
Create engaging lessons that meet NY State standards for students who are academically delayed or in need of enrichment. Provide support for classroom teacher and parents by providing an alternate education source. Increase skills of students in areas such as literacy, writing, social awareness, science and arithmetic. Create alternate outlets for behaviorally challenged students which include, art and
yoga.
CLASSROOM TEACHER, PS 123 The Suydam School, Brooklyn, NY, Grade 4, (09/ 2000 - 06/ 2003)
As a Classroom Teacher, I worked in an ever changing environment where my organizational, interpersonal, authoritative and professional skills were continuously challenged.
Stringently prepared my students for the ELA and standardized mathematics and science tests with 99% success rate. Provided leadership and support to new teachers.
Created inviting and exciting classroom environment that was conducive to learning.
Educated academically delayed and behavior challenged students.
Used formal and informal assessment strategies to evaluate and ensure the continuous intellectual, social and physical development of students.
Along with two colleagues, created Building Community Through Movement, an after school program composed of Karate, Yoga and African dance which supplemented physical education for students who received additional academic support during school hours. Not only was this program successful for the physical achievement of our children, 98% improved academically, socially, and behaviorally.
Created an after school program based on gardening and improving the community. Students planted trees, flowers and vegetables and cleaned community gardens.
TEACHER, PS 309, Brooklyn, NY Grades 3 - 6, (01/ 2000 - 06/ 2000)
Created engaging and challenging social studies and science lessons.
Educated students of multiple intelligence including inclusion classes.
Worked closely with supervisors to ensure academic standards of lessons.
ART INSTRUCTOR, St. John the Evangelist Elementary School, Grades 6-8, (09/ 1998 - 05/ 1999)
Created Art curriculum
Managed and purchased necessary art supplies
Solicited donations from companies and retail outlets to supplement school art inventory
Implemented lessons in art from art history to art creation tailored to ability levels
ART INSTRUCTOR, St. John's University's Metropolitan College, (09/1997 - 05/ 1999)
Created Art curriculum for approval by the dean
Encouraged group motivation which created a learning environment that stressed positive social interaction, active engagement in learning and self-motivation
EDUCATION
Columbia University Teacher's College, New York, NY
Master of Art Secondary Art Education
Master of Science in Education Elementary Education
New York State Certification May 2002
St. John's University, Jamaica, NY
Bachelor of Fine Art Fine Art and Graphic Design September 1999
Okay, and that's right, not one, but TWO Masters and a double major. So basically this is how the conversation goes:
Me: Hello, this is MY NAME, I am calling to speak to J.O., he left me a message concerning the position of Teaching Artist.
J.O. (stupid person if you haven't figured it out): Yes, My Name, I called you.
Me, (after a few seconds of awkward silence): yes, you did. Would you like to speak about the position?
J.O. (already labeled in my mind as a stupid person): Uh,....., Um,... Uh, yes, this position is for a Teaching Artist, tell me, what do you think a Teaching Artist is? (rather condescendingly) Do you know what a Teaching Artist is?
Me: I would assume that it was an Art Teacher of sorts.
J.O. (sounding more and more stupid by the moment): Uh,........., Um, not quite. A Teaching Artist is an artist that teaches.
Me: Okay.
J.O.: I see that you have extensive experience helping (HELPING MIND YOU, I'M A FUCKING TEACHER DUDE, GIVE ME A BREAK!) children.
Me: Not quite, I was a teacher for over 5 years. I started and ran two afterschool programs and taught upwards of 36 children at a time. I was a classroom teacher. If you look at my resume, I have two Masters in education.
J.O.: Oh, Uh, ......., Um, ......., oh yes, I have your resume. Let me ask you, do you like children?
Me: Excuse me?
J.O.: Do you like children?
Me: I have taught children for over 5 years. I have worked by choice, with children in grades 3 - 6 for my adult life, yes, I like children.
J.O.: Are you an artist?
Me: I am a painter, and illustrator, I make dolls and I have double undergraduate degrees in Fine Arts and Graphic Design.
J.O.: Are you an artist?
Me: Yes.
J.O.: We are most interested in your experience at P.S. 123, was that full time?
Me: Yes, I was a classroom teacher. I taught all subjects and was in the classroom with the children all day, I was the classroom teacher.
J.O.: So that was full time?
Me: Yes.
J.O.: (Even though the postion was specifically for upper elementary) How do you feel about kindergarten children?
Me: Well truthfully, the majority of my experience has been with children in grades 3 and up, I don't have extensive expereince with kindergarteners.
J.O.: So you uh......, um......., don't like them?
Me: I don't have experience with children that young, I don't not like them, I don't have experience with them to draw upon.
J.O.: You don't like them.
Me: I didn't say that.
J.O.: Uh, huh. Um........,This position starts in the fall, it's two hours a week. We need someone really flamboyant and out there to get these kids going, this will be anafterschool program. Do you have experience with afterschool?
Me: Yes, I helped start and run two after school programs. But truthfully, I'm looking for something a little more full time, more than two hours a week.
J.O.: Well, It isn't going to pay your rent, you'll have to get another job.
Me: I don't think this will be a good position for me.
J.O.: Good Luck, bye. Hangs up the phone.
My God, he was such an idiot. I wish I could have taped it so that it could be rebroadcast. I wanted to laugh during the entire thing. I have never had experience with an interviewer like this, it was ridiculous. Where do they get people like this? I find it so rude that the person interviewing me isn't at least of the same intelligence as me. How can you determine whether or not I am a good fit for the position when #1, you don't have a command of the english language, #2, you obviously have some basic comprehension problems? This is ridiculous. Then he tells me "Good Luck and Bye" with such an attitude as though I wasted his time. I am sincerely thinking of sending a very damaging letter to his place of employment I mean my God, was he nervous, on herion, eating a bagel? WTF? I can't take it. I'll write more later, I have to get dressed later.
This may sound really mean to complain about and believe me, I'm not really complaining about it but, I am. My friend E's sister passed away. I feel really bad for her, I went through the death of my dad not so long ago. The thing is, I haven't spoken to E in like three years because she is one of those annoying and needy friends. If I speak to her one day it's like I'll have to talk to her 7 or 8 times a day as she complains about her socks, shoes, television, cereal, any and everything little thing that happens in her life. All the while, she, her family, friends, child or anyonee that is visiting her house is yelling in the background at the top of thier lungs scraming in a multitude of languages and joining in our conversation. Speaking to her is draining. This is mean and I'm only writing this becasue I know she will NEVER read this but, E, and her family are SO annoying. They are ALL SO loud and they tell really bad jokes that they all think are funny even though they really aren't. They all dress in this old lady type clothing though truth be told, they are very sweet people, they are just annoying as hell. So, I am dreading having to go to this wake today because I am not in the mood to be around these folk. I'll have to talk to them and laugh at their crappy jokes. This is one they have been telling for years: They are all about 5'2, I happen to be 5'9" and I LOVE heels so I am usually about 6 feet tall when I'm outside. During the course of any event where I am around them one of them inevitably says, "How's it going up there?" or this one "Jeez, think you can lend me some leg?" at which they all simultaneously (and I'm talking about 20 people in all) burst out laughing, holding their bellys and wiping tears from their eyes. That's not even that funny. Once, I ran it across my cousin to see if maybe they had some inside joke going or they were being sarcastic but, they are way too simple for that, like they aren't savvy enough to be sarcastic.
Boy, I'm evil, I might go to hell for that one.
5.11.2005
I HATE AOL!
Eaten so far today:
Breakfast: Grits, eggs, sausage toast and coffee
Thinking of having rice and chicken for dinner if I get hungry.
Hours on Phone: only about 1/2 was outside most of the day
Resumes: 2 but intend to send more
Exercise: Does 4 hours of yard work count? I say an enthusiastic YES!
Bought: Nada though, I'm going to buy some crap tomorrow.
Uggh! Why do I pay 25 dollars a month for such crummy service?! I don't even use the stupid AOL browser but, I am constantly kicked off because of stupid AOL. Ugggh! It just did it while I am writing this, now I will have to sign on again before I put up this post. This is insane! If I didn't work, someone would fire me but AOL can just not work and blame their "technical difficulties" as though that is a good enough explanation. Could you imagine telling your boss, "I can't work today because of technical difficulties"?! Some f---ing nerve these AOLers have. I HATE them. I hope AOL goes out of business and suffers a horrible, horrible demise but being a liberal, I hope no one has to lose their job or their pension because of it. Speaking of losing pensions, I was reading today abut how Delta Airlines (I think) will not have to pay their employees pension plan even though these people have worked hard, invested in it and rightfully deserve it. It infuriates me that this can so easily be done yet the same government who allows this passes a bill to make it harder for people to claim personal bankruptcy. Has anyone heard of such assinine B.S.? It's crazy how working people are continuously screwed over while those who can afford to be screwed every so often are allowed to slip pass the cracks paying smaller amounts of taxes percentage wise and getting all kinds of freebies. I'm not trying to turn my blog political or anything but, it's crap like this that gets on my nerves. It's sad indeed what our country is becoming or rather is, a haven for the wealthy while the rest of us scrap by trying to make it. On the flip side, I must say I LOVE Mac OS X. I remember the early days of the Mac OS system, if AOL kept crashing the way it has been, I would have had to restart my computer each and every time, now, I can just restart AOL without touching the rest of my system, such wonderfulness. AOl just did it again, that's three times in less than ten minutes. I'm calling and demanding a credit right now. They have me on line with one of those computer things the ones that you have to talk to and always gets what you say wrong. Who invented this thing? and I hope they were not allowed to live after unleashing such an awful so called communication device into the world. Do they honestly believe that people would rather speak to a machine than a human being? I am so disgusted. Finally a person has come on and while I am speaking to him, it disconnects again. He has the nerve to try to get me to sign for another year with them and if I cancel my service anytime during the year, I will owe them the full amount at the time of cancelling. HELLO, I'm calling because your'e company sucks. I could see if was all "Oh, AOL is wonderful, I've never had anything better." They've got to be kidding. What are they on, some kind of crack? These people are ridiculous.
Today, Samson and I were in the yard. I was gardening and he was barking at various insects, and pieces of pollen. While in the yard, I heard two loud pops and became very afraid. I don't know if I was being paranoid (actually, I KNOW I was being paranoid) but, I automatically assumed someone wanted to shoot me and my dog. Oh god, I was so scared, I went in the house and sat there for a long time, thinking it I went out, the sniper would surely do us both in. I'm irrational, I know.
Mysterious Ex made me feel so bad yesterday. I was very angry at him and I wanted to pick a fight. I had all of my words planned out so that I would have the right stuff to attack him with and then he went and told me this very sad story and about how it has him down. I felt like such a louse, I'm terrible. I don't know what to do or think. I thought I was coming to some type of decision but, I truly felt for him, where does that leave me? The thing is, I really do love M.E. I think about him often, I see us living in a house together making babies and stuff, he's going to counseling but, I don't see an effect thus far. I know that a major part of a relationshiop is sticking with that person during the good and bad but, am I doing too much?
Breakfast: Grits, eggs, sausage toast and coffee
Thinking of having rice and chicken for dinner if I get hungry.
Hours on Phone: only about 1/2 was outside most of the day
Resumes: 2 but intend to send more
Exercise: Does 4 hours of yard work count? I say an enthusiastic YES!
Bought: Nada though, I'm going to buy some crap tomorrow.
Uggh! Why do I pay 25 dollars a month for such crummy service?! I don't even use the stupid AOL browser but, I am constantly kicked off because of stupid AOL. Ugggh! It just did it while I am writing this, now I will have to sign on again before I put up this post. This is insane! If I didn't work, someone would fire me but AOL can just not work and blame their "technical difficulties" as though that is a good enough explanation. Could you imagine telling your boss, "I can't work today because of technical difficulties"?! Some f---ing nerve these AOLers have. I HATE them. I hope AOL goes out of business and suffers a horrible, horrible demise but being a liberal, I hope no one has to lose their job or their pension because of it. Speaking of losing pensions, I was reading today abut how Delta Airlines (I think) will not have to pay their employees pension plan even though these people have worked hard, invested in it and rightfully deserve it. It infuriates me that this can so easily be done yet the same government who allows this passes a bill to make it harder for people to claim personal bankruptcy. Has anyone heard of such assinine B.S.? It's crazy how working people are continuously screwed over while those who can afford to be screwed every so often are allowed to slip pass the cracks paying smaller amounts of taxes percentage wise and getting all kinds of freebies. I'm not trying to turn my blog political or anything but, it's crap like this that gets on my nerves. It's sad indeed what our country is becoming or rather is, a haven for the wealthy while the rest of us scrap by trying to make it. On the flip side, I must say I LOVE Mac OS X. I remember the early days of the Mac OS system, if AOL kept crashing the way it has been, I would have had to restart my computer each and every time, now, I can just restart AOL without touching the rest of my system, such wonderfulness. AOl just did it again, that's three times in less than ten minutes. I'm calling and demanding a credit right now. They have me on line with one of those computer things the ones that you have to talk to and always gets what you say wrong. Who invented this thing? and I hope they were not allowed to live after unleashing such an awful so called communication device into the world. Do they honestly believe that people would rather speak to a machine than a human being? I am so disgusted. Finally a person has come on and while I am speaking to him, it disconnects again. He has the nerve to try to get me to sign for another year with them and if I cancel my service anytime during the year, I will owe them the full amount at the time of cancelling. HELLO, I'm calling because your'e company sucks. I could see if was all "Oh, AOL is wonderful, I've never had anything better." They've got to be kidding. What are they on, some kind of crack? These people are ridiculous.
Today, Samson and I were in the yard. I was gardening and he was barking at various insects, and pieces of pollen. While in the yard, I heard two loud pops and became very afraid. I don't know if I was being paranoid (actually, I KNOW I was being paranoid) but, I automatically assumed someone wanted to shoot me and my dog. Oh god, I was so scared, I went in the house and sat there for a long time, thinking it I went out, the sniper would surely do us both in. I'm irrational, I know.
Mysterious Ex made me feel so bad yesterday. I was very angry at him and I wanted to pick a fight. I had all of my words planned out so that I would have the right stuff to attack him with and then he went and told me this very sad story and about how it has him down. I felt like such a louse, I'm terrible. I don't know what to do or think. I thought I was coming to some type of decision but, I truly felt for him, where does that leave me? The thing is, I really do love M.E. I think about him often, I see us living in a house together making babies and stuff, he's going to counseling but, I don't see an effect thus far. I know that a major part of a relationshiop is sticking with that person during the good and bad but, am I doing too much?
5.09.2005
can't think, I'm tired
Eaten so far today:
Breakfast: Bowl of Corn Pops
Lunch: Baked Ziti and Baked Chicken
Dinner: Baked Chicken and Ziti
Hours on Phone: about 2 so far
Resumes: I believe 5 have three interviews next week (woo hoo!)
Exercise: Some yard work about an hour
Bought: Some doll hair for a new doll I'm making only .75 cents a pack(I love ebay)
So, I have three job interviews next week. I'm very excited about that considering the fact that I am in desperate need of a job. I hate being unemployed man, I've never not had a job and it's starting to take it's toll on me. I hate not having enough money to do the things I want to do, I hate having to be on this cock a mammy tightwad budget.
I am so happy for my friend G, she's getting married this year to a really great guy that she really loves. I hope that I am able to be with someone like that.
Back to the Mysterious Ex, New Guy thing. I am seriously angry at Mysterious Ex, it just bothers me that he is doing the same things he has done in the past and doesn't seem to see anything wrong with it. The thing is this, we broke up, I wrote him this huge letter outlining all of the problems we have, all of the things I feel that he has done wrong, our break up lasted a week with our going back and forth making these points to one another. We were apart for three months, we did not speak to one another, we didn't see one another then, out of the blue he calls me, professes all of this love to me and wants us to try to be together again. I cautiously agree, of course I still have doubts about how our relationship has played out in the past. But, I feel after the break up we had, if he is coming back, he is going to take the things I have told him seriously and try to honestly change, he even tells me this but, I feel that he was not being truthful with me or with himself. I care for him but, I am not willing to allow myself to be hurt for his benefit. I am not going to silently sit on the sidelines and hope for the best from him. I did that for a year, an entire year and I don't want to do that any longer. If he loves me, how can he be so careless with my feelings.
I don't want to play one guy against the other. If M.E. and I don't work I want it to be because we just don't work, not because some other guy wooed me better but, New Guy (at least now), seems like a better choice. I don't want things to be over with M.E., I don't want to just end things because they aren't going the way I want them to, I realize that a relationship is work and it needs attention and time to grow but, when is enough enough? When do you realize that no amount of time or energy will make a relationship grow to where you want it?
Breakfast: Bowl of Corn Pops
Lunch: Baked Ziti and Baked Chicken
Dinner: Baked Chicken and Ziti
Hours on Phone: about 2 so far
Resumes: I believe 5 have three interviews next week (woo hoo!)
Exercise: Some yard work about an hour
Bought: Some doll hair for a new doll I'm making only .75 cents a pack(I love ebay)
So, I have three job interviews next week. I'm very excited about that considering the fact that I am in desperate need of a job. I hate being unemployed man, I've never not had a job and it's starting to take it's toll on me. I hate not having enough money to do the things I want to do, I hate having to be on this cock a mammy tightwad budget.
I am so happy for my friend G, she's getting married this year to a really great guy that she really loves. I hope that I am able to be with someone like that.
Back to the Mysterious Ex, New Guy thing. I am seriously angry at Mysterious Ex, it just bothers me that he is doing the same things he has done in the past and doesn't seem to see anything wrong with it. The thing is this, we broke up, I wrote him this huge letter outlining all of the problems we have, all of the things I feel that he has done wrong, our break up lasted a week with our going back and forth making these points to one another. We were apart for three months, we did not speak to one another, we didn't see one another then, out of the blue he calls me, professes all of this love to me and wants us to try to be together again. I cautiously agree, of course I still have doubts about how our relationship has played out in the past. But, I feel after the break up we had, if he is coming back, he is going to take the things I have told him seriously and try to honestly change, he even tells me this but, I feel that he was not being truthful with me or with himself. I care for him but, I am not willing to allow myself to be hurt for his benefit. I am not going to silently sit on the sidelines and hope for the best from him. I did that for a year, an entire year and I don't want to do that any longer. If he loves me, how can he be so careless with my feelings.
I don't want to play one guy against the other. If M.E. and I don't work I want it to be because we just don't work, not because some other guy wooed me better but, New Guy (at least now), seems like a better choice. I don't want things to be over with M.E., I don't want to just end things because they aren't going the way I want them to, I realize that a relationship is work and it needs attention and time to grow but, when is enough enough? When do you realize that no amount of time or energy will make a relationship grow to where you want it?
5.08.2005
Have I Made a Decision?
Eaten Today
Breakfast: Corn Pops Cereal
Lunch: Salami Sandwich potato chips
Dinner: Salami Sandwich Potato Chips
Also a host of cookies, snack cakes and I even had some ice cream
Hours on Phone: over 3
Exercise: Not much
Bought: Nothing
After another day of spending time with New Guy, I have come to realize that I really do like him. I feel very comfortable around him. Mind you, time I spend with Mysterious Ex is also good, it is not as though I don't like to be with M.E., in fact, I LOVE spending time with him. But realistically, I am not sure if we are going along the path that I would like to go. I am not sure if the end result of our relationship will be note worthy. We still barely see one another, I know that for the time being and for the short term future he does not and will not have a vehicle so that would put a damper on any real attempt he would be trying to make in advancing our relationship but outside of that, I feel as though I still do not know him, I feel as though I am not apart of him. It is not that I want him to put his entire self into our relationship or place our connection above all goings on in his life, but I would like to know that there is something more than what is on the surface. I need more from him and I don't feel that I am going to get that.
When I see him, I see children and a home and a family but I realize that I see that like a fantasy, I don't feel that there is a true path to that world. I don't feel that we are in a place to make a way there, it is sad, but it is true. Maybe I am jumping the gun, we have been together again for only about a month but, I see no difference, things are very much as they were.
I did not want to spend time with New Guy originally, I didn't want to confuse myself by spending time with him but it has been much less confusing than I thought it would be. Truth be told, it has opened my eyes, with him, I feel free to talk about what I want, I don't feel that he is judging me. We have both declared the type of relationship we want and the kind of person we would like to be with and what we want is similar. I am very serious about what I want from my personal life and what he want directly coincides with my thoughts. I don't want this to be the end of me and Mysterious Ex. I don't want our relationship to disintergrate into nothing. I don't want to admit that I've made yet another mistake with Mysterious Ex but, I think that I may have.
Breakfast: Corn Pops Cereal
Lunch: Salami Sandwich potato chips
Dinner: Salami Sandwich Potato Chips
Also a host of cookies, snack cakes and I even had some ice cream
Hours on Phone: over 3
Exercise: Not much
Bought: Nothing
After another day of spending time with New Guy, I have come to realize that I really do like him. I feel very comfortable around him. Mind you, time I spend with Mysterious Ex is also good, it is not as though I don't like to be with M.E., in fact, I LOVE spending time with him. But realistically, I am not sure if we are going along the path that I would like to go. I am not sure if the end result of our relationship will be note worthy. We still barely see one another, I know that for the time being and for the short term future he does not and will not have a vehicle so that would put a damper on any real attempt he would be trying to make in advancing our relationship but outside of that, I feel as though I still do not know him, I feel as though I am not apart of him. It is not that I want him to put his entire self into our relationship or place our connection above all goings on in his life, but I would like to know that there is something more than what is on the surface. I need more from him and I don't feel that I am going to get that.
When I see him, I see children and a home and a family but I realize that I see that like a fantasy, I don't feel that there is a true path to that world. I don't feel that we are in a place to make a way there, it is sad, but it is true. Maybe I am jumping the gun, we have been together again for only about a month but, I see no difference, things are very much as they were.
I did not want to spend time with New Guy originally, I didn't want to confuse myself by spending time with him but it has been much less confusing than I thought it would be. Truth be told, it has opened my eyes, with him, I feel free to talk about what I want, I don't feel that he is judging me. We have both declared the type of relationship we want and the kind of person we would like to be with and what we want is similar. I am very serious about what I want from my personal life and what he want directly coincides with my thoughts. I don't want this to be the end of me and Mysterious Ex. I don't want our relationship to disintergrate into nothing. I don't want to admit that I've made yet another mistake with Mysterious Ex but, I think that I may have.
?
I spoke with Mysterious Ex this morning and it occurs to me as I am speaking to him, I don't think he is for me. The other day, I invited him to have Mother's Day dinner with me and my family at my brother's house and he says, "that sounds like a plan" but this morning his mom, who lives in Florida, suddenly makes an appearance here in NY and he is going to do something with her. Now, I realize that she is his mother and I am in no way thinking that I have precedent over her believe me but, I do find it strange that he did not say during the week, my mom is coming up for Mother's Day or she will be here for the weekend, he makes no mention of her but then suddenly she is here. He does weird things like this every so often, just strange unexplained things, hence his name, Mysterious Ex. While speaking to him this morning, it just really hit me (again) there is this constant battle between us, something that I really don't want to give much energy to anymore. There is this thing where I try to include him in my life, I make an effore for him to share things with me but I feel that he is constantly pushing me away or rather, that he is not even attempting to include me in his life. There are times when I feel that he is giving me great effort, when I feel that things could work between us and all could be well, but then, I get this type of thing where I feel as though I am continuosly on the outside, where I feel that I am always trying so hard to be apart of him and that is something that I am no longer going to do. I don't feel as though I should be at war with him. If he wants me to be apart of him and his life then this should come easy, it should just be. But, it isn't that way, I don't think it will be and I am not going to try to make it that way. In short, I give up, I will not try, it will from now on be all on him so, I think that we are over.
5.07.2005
Eaten Today
Breakfast:
Cheese omelet, sausage, toast, coffee
Lunch:
Salami Sandwich potato chips
Dinner:
Salami Sandwich potato chips
Hours on Phone:
over 12
Resumes: none, it's Saturday
Bought:
nada
I have spent ALL day on the phone with New Guy. Mysterious Ex is off somewhere doing something and so I have been on the phone wasting time. New Guy wanted to hang out today but I would not see him since I am trying not to confuse myself anymore than I already am. I do have to say we are having one of the best conversations I have ever had. I am very comfortable with him, I can say what I want, do what I want and I don't feel weird about what I am saying. I'll write more later.
Breakfast:
Cheese omelet, sausage, toast, coffee
Lunch:
Salami Sandwich potato chips
Dinner:
Salami Sandwich potato chips
Hours on Phone:
over 12
Resumes: none, it's Saturday
Bought:
nada
I have spent ALL day on the phone with New Guy. Mysterious Ex is off somewhere doing something and so I have been on the phone wasting time. New Guy wanted to hang out today but I would not see him since I am trying not to confuse myself anymore than I already am. I do have to say we are having one of the best conversations I have ever had. I am very comfortable with him, I can say what I want, do what I want and I don't feel weird about what I am saying. I'll write more later.
5.06.2005
Where in the crap did these come from?
So, I'm still on my feel good high, fine I'm fat, actually fatter THAN I"VE EVER BEEN but, hell, I'm still H-O-T, right? I've been obsessing over my thighs and in the midst of all of that, I've forgotten about these two MASSIVE mounds that have taken root on my chest. I put on a push up bra this morning (as though I really need one now) but I like a little cleave every now and then and instead of making a beautiful accentuated crevice of boob, there were these two things just there blocking my view of my nice new shoes. Where the hell did these things come from? Where have they been all this time? I mean, I'm sure sensibly one would assume that my boobs would have grown larger along with my waist, thighs, butt, arms, legs and every other part of my body but goodness gracious, these things are monsterous. As though to get their own point across of their newly obtained mass, while eating a piece of toast, a chunk fell off the bread, or out of my mouth, not sure of that one yet, and stuck, literally STUCK itself into the little or not quite so little crevice or rather cavity created by my boobs. I actually had to dig down in there and get them out. Now, I sit braless, something I very rarely do, these babies are usually strapped to my chest like shrink wrapped cookies, and there is so much movement, even when I myself move very little. Even a quick breathing quiver, yes I actually did it and yes I DO have a LOT of time on my hands sends the twins a flapping. Scary, scary stuff.
5.05.2005
Do things grow stickier yet?
Eaten so far:
Breakfast: Rice Krispies
Lunch: Rice Krispies (ran out of Frosted Flakes again)
Dinner: Kielbasa (spelling?) with onions and peppers, coconut rice and spinach
Resumes: None so far, just got in a bit ago
Exercise: Left my pedometer home today (blast!) but, did a significant amount of walking and in heels no less, plus, engaged in a little amorous activity which HAS to account for some type of exercise
Bought: A crap load of stuff today, coupon for Lane Bryant + Clearance Rack + First Thursday of the month sale = Lots of stuff for very little, needless to say, I am very happy
Well, thirty pounds or not, I am still officially H-O-T. Boy, staying home unemployed really makes a girl forget that actually is considered cute in society. I do admit that I felt really good about myself today. My jeans were cute, pluse the new blazer I wore and my heels looked great. My hair wasn't too frizzy, my make up was great, I just had a great body/hair/face day today. Some really good looking guys were trying to talk to me (not at all that I need yet another man beckoning me but, it felt nice) I did some great shopping, overall I'd have to say a pretty delightful day, at least so far.
So, Mysterious Ex and I jung out last night and despite my telling myself over and over, NO and despite polishing myself off not once but three times befor he came over, we still did the deed, and boy was it fun! I forgot how great sex was, not that I really forgot but I haven't done it in a few months so, I kind of forgot. WHat fun, what excitement, what calories I burned. A good time was had by all and by that I mean Mysterious Ex and yours truly.
New Guy called twice while Mysterious Ex was here, the first time I ignored the call but, I didn't want to appear suspicious so the next time he called, I answered. I promplty told him I needed to call him back and I knew I hurt his feelings. It wasn't my intention but, I very well couldn't carry on a conversation with him while M.E. was over here, that would be just plain whorish.
On the way home today, I was thinking, I do a lot of this lately. Mysterious Ex and I have lots of fun together. I love him, yes and for the past few weeks (like 2 or maybe 3), there has been a significant change in our relationship but, Mysterious Ex had a year. I gave him a year of my attention, my love, of being there for him and he took that for granted. He says that has come to his senses know, that he is ready to truly be in a "real" relationship but, what message am I sending him by so easily and willingly going back to him? Does he know think that he can do as he pleases because I love him so much that I will just take what he dishes out and still accept him? Has he truly seen how our relationship was hurting before and he really wants it to change? What are we doing? We speak of marriage and children but it always is like in the distant future. Not that I am ready to be married and made into a mom right now but, I'd like to know that will be the end result of our relationship. I'd like to know that we aren't just sitting around wasting time with one another.
On the flip side. New Guy is so sure of what he wants but, I am not willing to let go. What if things don't work out between us? What if our relationship is superficial since since we have really just met. I mean at the very least, M.E. and I have been through things together and in my personal and humble opinion, our relationship is stronger for it. It just feels right to be with him. When Mysterious Ex and I are together, I just feel as though he is with whom I belong. I see babies and a house, I see us in bed with children, on the couch watching tv and loving each other. Right now, I don't see that with New Guy but, am I just keeping myself from seeing that? I'm not sure.
Breakfast: Rice Krispies
Lunch: Rice Krispies (ran out of Frosted Flakes again)
Dinner: Kielbasa (spelling?) with onions and peppers, coconut rice and spinach
Resumes: None so far, just got in a bit ago
Exercise: Left my pedometer home today (blast!) but, did a significant amount of walking and in heels no less, plus, engaged in a little amorous activity which HAS to account for some type of exercise
Bought: A crap load of stuff today, coupon for Lane Bryant + Clearance Rack + First Thursday of the month sale = Lots of stuff for very little, needless to say, I am very happy
Well, thirty pounds or not, I am still officially H-O-T. Boy, staying home unemployed really makes a girl forget that actually is considered cute in society. I do admit that I felt really good about myself today. My jeans were cute, pluse the new blazer I wore and my heels looked great. My hair wasn't too frizzy, my make up was great, I just had a great body/hair/face day today. Some really good looking guys were trying to talk to me (not at all that I need yet another man beckoning me but, it felt nice) I did some great shopping, overall I'd have to say a pretty delightful day, at least so far.
So, Mysterious Ex and I jung out last night and despite my telling myself over and over, NO and despite polishing myself off not once but three times befor he came over, we still did the deed, and boy was it fun! I forgot how great sex was, not that I really forgot but I haven't done it in a few months so, I kind of forgot. WHat fun, what excitement, what calories I burned. A good time was had by all and by that I mean Mysterious Ex and yours truly.
New Guy called twice while Mysterious Ex was here, the first time I ignored the call but, I didn't want to appear suspicious so the next time he called, I answered. I promplty told him I needed to call him back and I knew I hurt his feelings. It wasn't my intention but, I very well couldn't carry on a conversation with him while M.E. was over here, that would be just plain whorish.
On the way home today, I was thinking, I do a lot of this lately. Mysterious Ex and I have lots of fun together. I love him, yes and for the past few weeks (like 2 or maybe 3), there has been a significant change in our relationship but, Mysterious Ex had a year. I gave him a year of my attention, my love, of being there for him and he took that for granted. He says that has come to his senses know, that he is ready to truly be in a "real" relationship but, what message am I sending him by so easily and willingly going back to him? Does he know think that he can do as he pleases because I love him so much that I will just take what he dishes out and still accept him? Has he truly seen how our relationship was hurting before and he really wants it to change? What are we doing? We speak of marriage and children but it always is like in the distant future. Not that I am ready to be married and made into a mom right now but, I'd like to know that will be the end result of our relationship. I'd like to know that we aren't just sitting around wasting time with one another.
On the flip side. New Guy is so sure of what he wants but, I am not willing to let go. What if things don't work out between us? What if our relationship is superficial since since we have really just met. I mean at the very least, M.E. and I have been through things together and in my personal and humble opinion, our relationship is stronger for it. It just feels right to be with him. When Mysterious Ex and I are together, I just feel as though he is with whom I belong. I see babies and a house, I see us in bed with children, on the couch watching tv and loving each other. Right now, I don't see that with New Guy but, am I just keeping myself from seeing that? I'm not sure.
5.04.2005
Have no funny little title
Eaten Today:
Breakfast: scrambled eggs, grits, toast, coffee (I dreamt of breakfast last night, how sick is that?)
Lunch: Salami and cheese sandwich and two slices of salami (I realized there were only two slices left and didn't want to make a crummy sandwich next time around so, hence the two extra slices)
Dinner: Chili and cornbread
hours on phone: about 3, 1 was job related
Resumes: 2, it's a slow job posting day
Exercise: I walked 2.5 miles today or according to my pedometer, 6,147 steps, I'm trying to get back up to my 5 miles a day, my thigh incident last week scared me straight
Bought: Received wonderful coupon from Lane Bryant so, I got a blazer, a few shirts for summer and a pair of new BIGGER jeans, also picked a job application and interview for next week (go me!) so that's a bit exciting, said job comes with 40% discount (woohoo!) so hope that works out. Might be a huge transition from teaching to retail but, I'm so poor at this point I'll mop floors (not really, just saying that)
So, I spoke to New Guy, and told him we should switch his birthday celebration to the weekend. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, I'm supposed to be narrowing down my decision to ONE man and here I am making plans to hang out with him. The thing is, he's a really nice guy, he's very respectful, and nice, we have so many things in common, it's scary. Last night, I spoke to Mysterious Ex for like 2 hours, when we got off the phone I instantly thought "awww, no wonder I love him so much, he's so great". I don't like that I'm causing so much confusion for myself. I spoke to this guy friend of mine and tells me to date both of them, not anything physical but just see who "wins" basically he tells me things should become more apparent to me as time goes on. I hope that he is right.
On the job front, after spending some of the little money I have at Lane Bryant, I saw job applications, and decided to fill one out. I never thought I would work in retail but times are getting rough, I can't sit around waiting for another great job to come around and sitting here day after day is driving me crazy (there is only so much watching Oprah and doing crafts a girl can take). I filled out the application, sent in my resume and was granted an interview next week. Cool, I could use a regular paycheck around here not to mention the distraction of a job.
While planting in the garden, Samson discovered the joy of seed packets. Now he's running around the house stealing them. I had to put them up on the refrigerator in order to keep him from shaking them around the house. My dog is sweet but boy is he easily entertained, I mean seed packets, come on.
I am sitting here waiting for Mysterious Ex to come over. I thoroughly worked myself over earlier so hopefully that will be enough for my crazy raging hormones.
I was added to the Chubby Girl Brigade member list today, that really brightened my day. M.E.'s car just pulled up outside, will have to finish this later.
Breakfast: scrambled eggs, grits, toast, coffee (I dreamt of breakfast last night, how sick is that?)
Lunch: Salami and cheese sandwich and two slices of salami (I realized there were only two slices left and didn't want to make a crummy sandwich next time around so, hence the two extra slices)
Dinner: Chili and cornbread
hours on phone: about 3, 1 was job related
Resumes: 2, it's a slow job posting day
Exercise: I walked 2.5 miles today or according to my pedometer, 6,147 steps, I'm trying to get back up to my 5 miles a day, my thigh incident last week scared me straight
Bought: Received wonderful coupon from Lane Bryant so, I got a blazer, a few shirts for summer and a pair of new BIGGER jeans, also picked a job application and interview for next week (go me!) so that's a bit exciting, said job comes with 40% discount (woohoo!) so hope that works out. Might be a huge transition from teaching to retail but, I'm so poor at this point I'll mop floors (not really, just saying that)
So, I spoke to New Guy, and told him we should switch his birthday celebration to the weekend. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, I'm supposed to be narrowing down my decision to ONE man and here I am making plans to hang out with him. The thing is, he's a really nice guy, he's very respectful, and nice, we have so many things in common, it's scary. Last night, I spoke to Mysterious Ex for like 2 hours, when we got off the phone I instantly thought "awww, no wonder I love him so much, he's so great". I don't like that I'm causing so much confusion for myself. I spoke to this guy friend of mine and tells me to date both of them, not anything physical but just see who "wins" basically he tells me things should become more apparent to me as time goes on. I hope that he is right.
On the job front, after spending some of the little money I have at Lane Bryant, I saw job applications, and decided to fill one out. I never thought I would work in retail but times are getting rough, I can't sit around waiting for another great job to come around and sitting here day after day is driving me crazy (there is only so much watching Oprah and doing crafts a girl can take). I filled out the application, sent in my resume and was granted an interview next week. Cool, I could use a regular paycheck around here not to mention the distraction of a job.
While planting in the garden, Samson discovered the joy of seed packets. Now he's running around the house stealing them. I had to put them up on the refrigerator in order to keep him from shaking them around the house. My dog is sweet but boy is he easily entertained, I mean seed packets, come on.
I am sitting here waiting for Mysterious Ex to come over. I thoroughly worked myself over earlier so hopefully that will be enough for my crazy raging hormones.
I was added to the Chubby Girl Brigade member list today, that really brightened my day. M.E.'s car just pulled up outside, will have to finish this later.
I'm Crazy
Today is New Guy's birthday so what do I do? I tell him I'll make him dinner and bake him a cake. What's up with me? Why do I do that? I have some serious issues.
5.01.2005
I have to make some serious choices
Eaten:
Breakfast: Oatmeal and banana strawberry smoothie
Dinner: Rice, Chicken, Plantanos
Hours on phone: over 7 (it was rainy all day)
Resumes: 2 (it's Saturday)
Exercise: ha ha
Bought: Nothing today though, I have big shopping planned for next week
I cannot keep doing this. I feel as though I am leading New Guy on and that is something I don't want to do. I think this is the deal. I love Mysterious Ex and I would love if things worked out between us, but I feel as though I cam keeping New Guy on the back burner in case things don't work out between Mysterious Ex and I. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that person. The thing is, he is a great guy and if there was no Mysterious Ex, I would totally dig him completely but, there is a Mysterious Ex so that complicates things to no end. The other thing is, if I had complete faith in Mysterious Ex, there would be no need for New Guy to still be around. Just the fact that I have him around proves that I don't truly trust where things are going with Mysterious Ex. I don't want to be that "what are we doing, where are we going" type girl but all jokes aside, I need to know. I am not 22 or 23 any more. I just can't aimlessly be in some relationship crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. There are certain things that I would like to do in life and I feel that I would like to be with someone who also wnat to do those things. The thing is, Mysterious Ex and I have spoken so much about "us" we've been through a WHOLE lot in the last year alone. I feel as though things are just beginning to come to a place where we are easing into a decent kind of relationship. Mind you thins has really only been going on for like a week. There are still some things between us that I feel a bit uncomfortable with but, I see where he's trying to make an effort. But, these same issues just don't exist at all with New Guy and I've known him for such a shorter period of time. What does this all say? I honestly have to say that I think I believe in fate and all that jazz. When Mysterious Ex and I got together, I thought it was fate working itself. I thought we were supposed to be together because we clicked so well but, we had huge communication problems, huge trust issues, we couldn't even have a simple disagreement without things getting totally out of control and turning into something so big and unneccesary. We keep getting back together, we keep trying to make it work but thus far, it hasn't. This last time has been the only time that we have tried together we talked things out, we decided what we wanted to do but this is the first time. Things are different in a sense but, we are the same people though we both want the same thing, old habits die hard, I know that. Is it better to leave what you know for something you don't know just because you think it may possibly be better? What happens if things don't work out there, after doing that, there is no going back and even with our problems, where in the world will I ever find another Mysterious Ex?
Breakfast: Oatmeal and banana strawberry smoothie
Dinner: Rice, Chicken, Plantanos
Hours on phone: over 7 (it was rainy all day)
Resumes: 2 (it's Saturday)
Exercise: ha ha
Bought: Nothing today though, I have big shopping planned for next week
I cannot keep doing this. I feel as though I am leading New Guy on and that is something I don't want to do. I think this is the deal. I love Mysterious Ex and I would love if things worked out between us, but I feel as though I cam keeping New Guy on the back burner in case things don't work out between Mysterious Ex and I. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that person. The thing is, he is a great guy and if there was no Mysterious Ex, I would totally dig him completely but, there is a Mysterious Ex so that complicates things to no end. The other thing is, if I had complete faith in Mysterious Ex, there would be no need for New Guy to still be around. Just the fact that I have him around proves that I don't truly trust where things are going with Mysterious Ex. I don't want to be that "what are we doing, where are we going" type girl but all jokes aside, I need to know. I am not 22 or 23 any more. I just can't aimlessly be in some relationship crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. There are certain things that I would like to do in life and I feel that I would like to be with someone who also wnat to do those things. The thing is, Mysterious Ex and I have spoken so much about "us" we've been through a WHOLE lot in the last year alone. I feel as though things are just beginning to come to a place where we are easing into a decent kind of relationship. Mind you thins has really only been going on for like a week. There are still some things between us that I feel a bit uncomfortable with but, I see where he's trying to make an effort. But, these same issues just don't exist at all with New Guy and I've known him for such a shorter period of time. What does this all say? I honestly have to say that I think I believe in fate and all that jazz. When Mysterious Ex and I got together, I thought it was fate working itself. I thought we were supposed to be together because we clicked so well but, we had huge communication problems, huge trust issues, we couldn't even have a simple disagreement without things getting totally out of control and turning into something so big and unneccesary. We keep getting back together, we keep trying to make it work but thus far, it hasn't. This last time has been the only time that we have tried together we talked things out, we decided what we wanted to do but this is the first time. Things are different in a sense but, we are the same people though we both want the same thing, old habits die hard, I know that. Is it better to leave what you know for something you don't know just because you think it may possibly be better? What happens if things don't work out there, after doing that, there is no going back and even with our problems, where in the world will I ever find another Mysterious Ex?
4.29.2005
Things are getting a bit sticky
Eaten Yesterday:
Breakfast: Frosted Flakes (about 7 am)
2nd Breakfast: oatmeal (about 12)
Lunch: Bologna sandwich with chips (about 3)
Dinner: Pizza (about 7)
Hours on the phone: about 4
Resumes: 2 (I have a phone interview today)
Exercise: very little I was pretty sedentary
Bought: Nada
Well, I had this long conversation with New Guy yesterday and I think I should stop speaking to him. He is getting VERY into me and I guess I still see him as just someone to talk to and hang out with. I don't want to string him along, I don't want to make him feel hope for something that might not be. I tried explaining this all to him but he feels that if I just stop seeing Mysterious Ex and focus more energy on him and us, then my feelings will change. They probably would if I focused more energy on him but, I am not willing to let Mysterious Ex go. I will let New Guy go before I get rid of M.E. even with all of our faults. Then I have to wonder, would I be selling myself short if I do so? Yes, Mysterious Ex and I have problems, and yes, things are moving slowly in the the working it out department but, I have strong feelings for Mysterious Ex. I love him, what if I take New Guy up on his suggestion and everything is not right. What if I never find someone I connect with the way that I connect with Mysterious Ex. New Guy is nice but, he's on the surface, brand new guy nice. We get along yes but, what if I don't have the feelings for him that I have for Mysterious Ex, then what? I know that it takes more than love to make a relationship work. I know that at this point, New Guy knows exactly what he wants he is very sure and aware of the type of relationship he wants and that is in total alignment with what I want but, is it enough to just want the same things? I think I need more than that. Again, I'm not sure what I should do.
On the job front, I went on an interview the other day with a private school. It's a really great position teahcing an advanced 5th grade with lots of academic freedom but, it's so far from my house. I should be called back for a second interview in about 2 weeks or so so, we'll see.
My dog Samson has a new ball and he is driving me crazy with it. A friend of mine gave it to him, it rolls around, lights up and get stuck under the couch, bed, dresser, sink, toy chest like every 20 minutes where he, instead of trying to get it, runs stands directly in front, or to the left or right of me and begins barking at full lung capacity and tempo until I lug my fat ass up to get it. God, I thought is was sweet of her when she gave it to him but now, I'm so tired of that thing. I want to hide it, I'll have to do that when he's not looking.
Breakfast: Frosted Flakes (about 7 am)
2nd Breakfast: oatmeal (about 12)
Lunch: Bologna sandwich with chips (about 3)
Dinner: Pizza (about 7)
Hours on the phone: about 4
Resumes: 2 (I have a phone interview today)
Exercise: very little I was pretty sedentary
Bought: Nada
Well, I had this long conversation with New Guy yesterday and I think I should stop speaking to him. He is getting VERY into me and I guess I still see him as just someone to talk to and hang out with. I don't want to string him along, I don't want to make him feel hope for something that might not be. I tried explaining this all to him but he feels that if I just stop seeing Mysterious Ex and focus more energy on him and us, then my feelings will change. They probably would if I focused more energy on him but, I am not willing to let Mysterious Ex go. I will let New Guy go before I get rid of M.E. even with all of our faults. Then I have to wonder, would I be selling myself short if I do so? Yes, Mysterious Ex and I have problems, and yes, things are moving slowly in the the working it out department but, I have strong feelings for Mysterious Ex. I love him, what if I take New Guy up on his suggestion and everything is not right. What if I never find someone I connect with the way that I connect with Mysterious Ex. New Guy is nice but, he's on the surface, brand new guy nice. We get along yes but, what if I don't have the feelings for him that I have for Mysterious Ex, then what? I know that it takes more than love to make a relationship work. I know that at this point, New Guy knows exactly what he wants he is very sure and aware of the type of relationship he wants and that is in total alignment with what I want but, is it enough to just want the same things? I think I need more than that. Again, I'm not sure what I should do.
On the job front, I went on an interview the other day with a private school. It's a really great position teahcing an advanced 5th grade with lots of academic freedom but, it's so far from my house. I should be called back for a second interview in about 2 weeks or so so, we'll see.
My dog Samson has a new ball and he is driving me crazy with it. A friend of mine gave it to him, it rolls around, lights up and get stuck under the couch, bed, dresser, sink, toy chest like every 20 minutes where he, instead of trying to get it, runs stands directly in front, or to the left or right of me and begins barking at full lung capacity and tempo until I lug my fat ass up to get it. God, I thought is was sweet of her when she gave it to him but now, I'm so tired of that thing. I want to hide it, I'll have to do that when he's not looking.
4.27.2005
What Am I Doing?
Eaten so far
Breakfast: Frosted Flakes
Lunch: Grilled Chicken, small salad, black beans, rice and tortilla MMMM!
Dinner: Left over chicken, rice, salad, and green plantanos
Hours on Phone: Less than 1 hour, I had company
Resumes: 2 but, went on an interview, was pretty positive by the end, will see
Exercise: None really
Bought: Food, and two taxi trips
So, Mysterious Ex came over and we hung out. We were supposed to go out but, I knew that he was very tired, he had been at work all day and it was late. We really just hung out in the house and half watched a few movies. I told myself I would not have sex with Mysterious Ex, I don't want sex to have an effect on what we are trying to accomplish. I feel that if things don't work out, I won't feel like so much of a slut if we break up after having sex plus, I want to know that I have these genuine thoughts and feelings, not crowded by the act of sex. But there I was, God only knows how I got there. I was laying on the bed, he was laying next to me, we were kissing, but, we've kissed with no sex before, no big deal right? All I know is he rubbed my boob and next thing I knew, I was straddling him, and penis was everywhere. As I'm up there, I'm thinking, what the hell is wrong with me?! What am I doing?! I'm going against the little talk I gave myself. No Sex, No Sex, not yet. Usually, I try to masturbate myself dry before he comes over because let's face it, he's still very cute, and I'm still horny all of the time. He realized something was wrong though and asked me, "what's wrong, you're not that into it?" I exclaimed, "Oh God, I feel so FAT!" (and I did, that's just an entirely different story from this one, I'll get to that later). So, we did not have complete sex but now, does this mean that we will be expected to have sex? I think I should just tell him I don't think we should have sex for a while. I know that he won't be upset about it, he's not that kind of guy. I think that I will talk to him about it.
So on the other side of that, I have gained weight, I know that, everyone who knows me or sits whithin earshot of me knows that I have. I mean I have always been a fat chick and very happy with who I am but admittedly, I have taken this fat thing to a whole new level. I know that sitting home day after day (I'm unemployed, what do you want?) and trying out the new cookie recipe posted on epicurious or chubby girl brigade isn't going to help but hey, I'm unemployed, I've got to have my low cost fun where I can find it. So, whilst sitting atop my beloved, I noticed a little extra thighage then normal. WTF?! where did this come from!? I know my tummy has gotten a little more giggly, so has my arms, booty and other various body parts but dammit! I thought my thighs were at capacity, and were accepting no more passengers, sadly, I was very mistaken. So, I'm on top one of our favorite positions, and as I'm jumping up and down, gyrating, all that stuff, I keep feeling this little, what can only be described as cushioning, like I had stuck two pillows under my but and thighs, "Jesus" I think, "What could that be?" then I realize, "My good, that's my f---ing thighs! WTF!" I then get very sad and get off, there's no way I'll be bouncing around with all that extra baggage in between my legs. I better get rid of these thirty pounds very quickly. Buying new clothes, I can handle but ruining my sex life? This extra fat has got to go.
So, on the other side of this fiasco. I spoke to New Guy briefly this morning. He is really upset that I didn't speak to him yesterday. I think maybe I am using him which, I don't like about myself. I am treating him the way that Mysterious Ex sometimes treats me. I will talk to him today and straighten things out between us. The thinkg is, he doesn't care if I have a boyfriend or not. Hell, I'm not sure if I have a boyfriend some times. There I go, back into that again. I'm getting depressed, think I'll go bake some cookies.
Breakfast: Frosted Flakes
Lunch: Grilled Chicken, small salad, black beans, rice and tortilla MMMM!
Dinner: Left over chicken, rice, salad, and green plantanos
Hours on Phone: Less than 1 hour, I had company
Resumes: 2 but, went on an interview, was pretty positive by the end, will see
Exercise: None really
Bought: Food, and two taxi trips
So, Mysterious Ex came over and we hung out. We were supposed to go out but, I knew that he was very tired, he had been at work all day and it was late. We really just hung out in the house and half watched a few movies. I told myself I would not have sex with Mysterious Ex, I don't want sex to have an effect on what we are trying to accomplish. I feel that if things don't work out, I won't feel like so much of a slut if we break up after having sex plus, I want to know that I have these genuine thoughts and feelings, not crowded by the act of sex. But there I was, God only knows how I got there. I was laying on the bed, he was laying next to me, we were kissing, but, we've kissed with no sex before, no big deal right? All I know is he rubbed my boob and next thing I knew, I was straddling him, and penis was everywhere. As I'm up there, I'm thinking, what the hell is wrong with me?! What am I doing?! I'm going against the little talk I gave myself. No Sex, No Sex, not yet. Usually, I try to masturbate myself dry before he comes over because let's face it, he's still very cute, and I'm still horny all of the time. He realized something was wrong though and asked me, "what's wrong, you're not that into it?" I exclaimed, "Oh God, I feel so FAT!" (and I did, that's just an entirely different story from this one, I'll get to that later). So, we did not have complete sex but now, does this mean that we will be expected to have sex? I think I should just tell him I don't think we should have sex for a while. I know that he won't be upset about it, he's not that kind of guy. I think that I will talk to him about it.
So on the other side of that, I have gained weight, I know that, everyone who knows me or sits whithin earshot of me knows that I have. I mean I have always been a fat chick and very happy with who I am but admittedly, I have taken this fat thing to a whole new level. I know that sitting home day after day (I'm unemployed, what do you want?) and trying out the new cookie recipe posted on epicurious or chubby girl brigade isn't going to help but hey, I'm unemployed, I've got to have my low cost fun where I can find it. So, whilst sitting atop my beloved, I noticed a little extra thighage then normal. WTF?! where did this come from!? I know my tummy has gotten a little more giggly, so has my arms, booty and other various body parts but dammit! I thought my thighs were at capacity, and were accepting no more passengers, sadly, I was very mistaken. So, I'm on top one of our favorite positions, and as I'm jumping up and down, gyrating, all that stuff, I keep feeling this little, what can only be described as cushioning, like I had stuck two pillows under my but and thighs, "Jesus" I think, "What could that be?" then I realize, "My good, that's my f---ing thighs! WTF!" I then get very sad and get off, there's no way I'll be bouncing around with all that extra baggage in between my legs. I better get rid of these thirty pounds very quickly. Buying new clothes, I can handle but ruining my sex life? This extra fat has got to go.
So, on the other side of this fiasco. I spoke to New Guy briefly this morning. He is really upset that I didn't speak to him yesterday. I think maybe I am using him which, I don't like about myself. I am treating him the way that Mysterious Ex sometimes treats me. I will talk to him today and straighten things out between us. The thinkg is, he doesn't care if I have a boyfriend or not. Hell, I'm not sure if I have a boyfriend some times. There I go, back into that again. I'm getting depressed, think I'll go bake some cookies.
4.26.2005
Same thing as always
Eaten today:
Breakfast: Cinnamon Rolls
Lunch: Turkey slices with ritz crackers
Dinner: Cinnamon Rolls
Hours on Phone: over 4
Resumes: 7 (I got 2 call backs today resulting in 2 interviews, that's a good thing)
Exercise: Two hours of yard work
Bought: Nothing today
Well, Mysterious Ex is definitely back to himself. Truthfully, I don't really think he ever changed, I was just excited to have heard from him and got all wrapped up in the excitement of "us". I'm not sure what I think of him. I have love for him that is to say that I do love him but, he's so weird. It doesn't really seem as though he's interested in me at all but he keeps coming back, I don't understand it. We aren't having sex and I haven't had sex with him since like before Christmas so it can't be that. I have no idea what is going on with him. He literally chases after me, calling me telling me tha the loves me and he wants ys to get back together. He talks about how much he has missed me and how he wants us to try again. I do so and then it's nothing. I don't see him, (I've only seen him once in like the last two weeks) he hardly even calls like he used to. There was a time when he called in the morning on his way to work, he called during his lunch break, he called on his way home from work and if we didn't see one another that evening, he called before he went to bed. Today, I spoke to him once this morning because I called to ask about a computer problem and then he called me about 10 o'clock this evening. I was on the phone with New Guy, making plans for today, I abruptly hung up the phone so that my answering machine would pick up and Mysterious Ex would think that I wasn't home. It's sad that I even have to play games like that. Here I am seeing another guy and not only does he not know, he's doesn't even care. I could go out with New Guy every evening and I dont' think it would make one bit of difference to him. I think that maybe our trying to get back together may have been a huge mistake. He doesn't have time for me, he doesn't make time for me, and we hardly speak. I would have always said before that he was my number one, no other guy could touch him but, that is slowly becoming so untrue now. It's sad I guess.
New Guy is really great. We had a very good conversation. We spoke for about 4 or 5 hours all night almost. I am very confused because he wants the kind of relationship that I want but, I wish I could have it with Mysterious Ex. Too bad things don't work the way you want them to just because you want them to be that way. On one hand, I don't want to have to feel this way but on the other hand, if Mysterious Ex were truly "my man" I wouldn't have time to run around with other people.
I have two job interviews this week. A very good thinf indeed. I was going to get and move since it was proving so difficutl to find a job here in NY. I would have never thought that it would have been so hard for me to get a job. I thought I entered the world so prpared for the things it may have thrown at me but, I guess I was wrong.
Breakfast: Cinnamon Rolls
Lunch: Turkey slices with ritz crackers
Dinner: Cinnamon Rolls
Hours on Phone: over 4
Resumes: 7 (I got 2 call backs today resulting in 2 interviews, that's a good thing)
Exercise: Two hours of yard work
Bought: Nothing today
Well, Mysterious Ex is definitely back to himself. Truthfully, I don't really think he ever changed, I was just excited to have heard from him and got all wrapped up in the excitement of "us". I'm not sure what I think of him. I have love for him that is to say that I do love him but, he's so weird. It doesn't really seem as though he's interested in me at all but he keeps coming back, I don't understand it. We aren't having sex and I haven't had sex with him since like before Christmas so it can't be that. I have no idea what is going on with him. He literally chases after me, calling me telling me tha the loves me and he wants ys to get back together. He talks about how much he has missed me and how he wants us to try again. I do so and then it's nothing. I don't see him, (I've only seen him once in like the last two weeks) he hardly even calls like he used to. There was a time when he called in the morning on his way to work, he called during his lunch break, he called on his way home from work and if we didn't see one another that evening, he called before he went to bed. Today, I spoke to him once this morning because I called to ask about a computer problem and then he called me about 10 o'clock this evening. I was on the phone with New Guy, making plans for today, I abruptly hung up the phone so that my answering machine would pick up and Mysterious Ex would think that I wasn't home. It's sad that I even have to play games like that. Here I am seeing another guy and not only does he not know, he's doesn't even care. I could go out with New Guy every evening and I dont' think it would make one bit of difference to him. I think that maybe our trying to get back together may have been a huge mistake. He doesn't have time for me, he doesn't make time for me, and we hardly speak. I would have always said before that he was my number one, no other guy could touch him but, that is slowly becoming so untrue now. It's sad I guess.
New Guy is really great. We had a very good conversation. We spoke for about 4 or 5 hours all night almost. I am very confused because he wants the kind of relationship that I want but, I wish I could have it with Mysterious Ex. Too bad things don't work the way you want them to just because you want them to be that way. On one hand, I don't want to have to feel this way but on the other hand, if Mysterious Ex were truly "my man" I wouldn't have time to run around with other people.
I have two job interviews this week. A very good thinf indeed. I was going to get and move since it was proving so difficutl to find a job here in NY. I would have never thought that it would have been so hard for me to get a job. I thought I entered the world so prpared for the things it may have thrown at me but, I guess I was wrong.
4.24.2005
So, to take away the pain from the still not arrived New York Times (blast my non gentrified Brooklyn neighborhood!), I decided to make cinnamon buns. They came out very crumbly, i.e., couldn't take a whole bun out of the pan, but, quite scrumptious. So, there I am, digging cinnamon buns out of the pan, sugar, butter, and of course cinnamon dripping down my forearm when my telephone rings. It's New Guy, we had the greatest conversation about, Walmart, Target and the best way to cook a red snapper then, Mysterious Ex beeped in, this would be my ultimate test. I didn't answer the phone. I didn't click over because I didn't feel like talking to him. Wow!, Who would have ever thought this? MYSTERIOUS EX!, the guy that I have spent the last year and a half loving, breaking up and getting back together with. NO man has ever been able to touch him and EVERYONE I know knows that he gets phone precedence(sp?) with the exception of my mom of course. So, what is a girl to do? New Guy wanted to get together again even though I am supposed to see Mysterious Ex tonight. Truth be told, I'm not sure if I want to see M.E. I am not sure what I am sure of.
Damn the New York TImes!
Eaten so far today: Nothing but last night, gorged myself on Manicotti with Italian sausage, garlic bread, pepperoni roll and ice cream, God that was good, too bad I ate it all
Hours on the phone: So far, less than 30 minutes, with NY Times guy plus, it's still very early
Resumes: None, it's Sunday silly
Exercise: between running back and forth to the front door to see if my paper has arrived, I must have burned like a thousand calories
Bought: Nothing so far but, the day is still young
Why do I pay 5 dollars a week? So that I can receive an under edited 2,ooo page paper every weekend. So that when my neighbors go out to walk their dogs in the morning, they can see my bright blue plastic wrapped paper letting all who glimpse is know, Yes, I am a New York Times subscriber. I like to sit in the morning with my paper spread around me in little category piles, what I will definitely read, what I might read and what I will use as lining for the cat's litter box. But this morning I awoke and arrgh!, No New York Times. I called and politely let the rather Southern sounding gentlemen representative (which seemed a bit strange to me actually being a New Yorker and calling the New York Times) know that my paper hadn't arrived. he assured me that my paper would be out to me within the hour. Here I am an hour later and still, no paper. My morning routine is completley thrown off now. Here I am with a pot of French Vanilla Roast ready to be guzzled and no paper to accompany it, poor, poor me.
I have yet again come to a decision concerning Mysterious Ex and New Guy, this must be the third or fourth time this week. I will wait a month and see what happens with happens with the both of them. Yesterday, Mysterious Ex (under circumstances which were a bit out of his control) fell right back into his regular ways. No matter the circumstances surrounding how it came about, the result was still the same and I must say, I am more than a bit tired of it. One of the reasons we broke up earlier this year was because as I've said, it really feels as though I am a tight fit in his life. It is as if there is really no time for me, as though I am way down on the list. I don't want to out right dismiss him, since I am accused of this so much but truthfully, what else can I do? There is only so much sitting and waiting patiently a girl can do.
On the flip side, I hung out with New Guy yesterday who seems to have ample amounts of time to spend with me. I feel a bit weird being with him as though I am cheating, which I guess technically I am, though I don't want to think of it that way. To save my own ass I'll say this, it isn't as though I am blowing off my "boyfriend" (not quite sure why I felt the need to put that word in parentheses, though truthfully, it does speak volumes) he is not there, he is not available to me. I guess I have answered my own question.
I often feel as though I should let Mysterious Ex know. Tell him that I was before we got back together and continue to see someone else. I am not sure how he would react, I am not sure how things will work out between us. Sadly, I think maybe part of me likes it, the going behind his back and doing something he knows nothing about. I've never thought of myself as that kind of person but, it must be true, at least in some aspect since I continue to do this. It isn't as though I want to be deceitful, but as simply as I can put it. Mysterious Ex is not here and New Guy is but, where am I in this whole situation?
It is so cold in my house, I tried to convince Sebastian (my cat) to sit behind me in my chair to create a living hot water bottle type effect. He was with it for about a minute then meowed at me, flicked his tail at me and kindly sat on the couch opposite of where I am. I guess he has is standards. Thankfully Samson (my dog) is laying on my feet, keeping my tosies warm and licked. Well, since it is NOT raining for a nice change, I will go out and walk, try to get in a little exercise and scout around the neighborhood looking for the New York Times delivery guy, I KNOW he has to be around here somewhere.
Hours on the phone: So far, less than 30 minutes, with NY Times guy plus, it's still very early
Resumes: None, it's Sunday silly
Exercise: between running back and forth to the front door to see if my paper has arrived, I must have burned like a thousand calories
Bought: Nothing so far but, the day is still young
Why do I pay 5 dollars a week? So that I can receive an under edited 2,ooo page paper every weekend. So that when my neighbors go out to walk their dogs in the morning, they can see my bright blue plastic wrapped paper letting all who glimpse is know, Yes, I am a New York Times subscriber. I like to sit in the morning with my paper spread around me in little category piles, what I will definitely read, what I might read and what I will use as lining for the cat's litter box. But this morning I awoke and arrgh!, No New York Times. I called and politely let the rather Southern sounding gentlemen representative (which seemed a bit strange to me actually being a New Yorker and calling the New York Times) know that my paper hadn't arrived. he assured me that my paper would be out to me within the hour. Here I am an hour later and still, no paper. My morning routine is completley thrown off now. Here I am with a pot of French Vanilla Roast ready to be guzzled and no paper to accompany it, poor, poor me.
I have yet again come to a decision concerning Mysterious Ex and New Guy, this must be the third or fourth time this week. I will wait a month and see what happens with happens with the both of them. Yesterday, Mysterious Ex (under circumstances which were a bit out of his control) fell right back into his regular ways. No matter the circumstances surrounding how it came about, the result was still the same and I must say, I am more than a bit tired of it. One of the reasons we broke up earlier this year was because as I've said, it really feels as though I am a tight fit in his life. It is as if there is really no time for me, as though I am way down on the list. I don't want to out right dismiss him, since I am accused of this so much but truthfully, what else can I do? There is only so much sitting and waiting patiently a girl can do.
On the flip side, I hung out with New Guy yesterday who seems to have ample amounts of time to spend with me. I feel a bit weird being with him as though I am cheating, which I guess technically I am, though I don't want to think of it that way. To save my own ass I'll say this, it isn't as though I am blowing off my "boyfriend" (not quite sure why I felt the need to put that word in parentheses, though truthfully, it does speak volumes) he is not there, he is not available to me. I guess I have answered my own question.
I often feel as though I should let Mysterious Ex know. Tell him that I was before we got back together and continue to see someone else. I am not sure how he would react, I am not sure how things will work out between us. Sadly, I think maybe part of me likes it, the going behind his back and doing something he knows nothing about. I've never thought of myself as that kind of person but, it must be true, at least in some aspect since I continue to do this. It isn't as though I want to be deceitful, but as simply as I can put it. Mysterious Ex is not here and New Guy is but, where am I in this whole situation?
It is so cold in my house, I tried to convince Sebastian (my cat) to sit behind me in my chair to create a living hot water bottle type effect. He was with it for about a minute then meowed at me, flicked his tail at me and kindly sat on the couch opposite of where I am. I guess he has is standards. Thankfully Samson (my dog) is laying on my feet, keeping my tosies warm and licked. Well, since it is NOT raining for a nice change, I will go out and walk, try to get in a little exercise and scout around the neighborhood looking for the New York Times delivery guy, I KNOW he has to be around here somewhere.
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