My Feelings of Malcontent Continue

Eaten Today:
Breakfast: grapes, banana, orange juice
Lunch: seafood gumbo (made by my brother)
Snack: Pear, lots of water
Dinner: Haven't eaten dinner yet but thinking of popcorn, ice cream, donuts and possible some cookies, it isn't right but it's just one of those days dammit

Exercise: none officially but, I did walk up some giant hill, twice

Hours on Phone: Less than 1, haven't been home that long
Resumes: none, though I'll probably send off a few before the day is over
Bought: a taxi ride back and forth (it was crazy hot today)

Thanks to The Ming and of course to my dear Gwen (not that Ming is not dear, I love her too) for the great advice, you girls put a great big smile on my face, ah someone cares.

I was offered another job today. Isn't that always the way? No job = no job offers. Job = Lots of job offers. It's a great school, even better than the first school but, it's so far from my house. I would have to travel like a hour and a half just to get their. Boy, I'm not sure if I am up to that.

I spoke to Mysterious Ex today though truthfully, I didn't want to. I was going to just ignore him (he has done this to me in the past, I know, I'm stupid) but, I figured at the very least, I should speak to him. I wanted to say M.E. this isn't working. I'm not happy, things aren't going the way I want them to go, I think we should stop, I can't do this anymore. Instead, our conversation went more along the lines of:

Mysterious Ex: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, (or whatever it was he was saying).

Me:

Mysterious Ex: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah, radio, blah, computer, blah, not feeling well, blah.

Me:

Mysterious Ex: What wrong MY NAME?

Me: Nothing.

Mysterious Ex: Yes there is, what's wrong, tell me

Me: Nothing really, I'm okay

Mysterious Ex: What's wrong, why don't you tell me? Are you sick, tired, bothered, what's wrong?

Me: Nothing

Mysterious Ex: I'm going to go to my brother's house, are you sure you are okay? I'll call you later

Me: Okay

Mysterious Ex: Okay, bye

Me: Be careful, bye

The phone then rings again.

Me: Hello

Mysterious Ex: Are you sure you're okay

Me: Yes, good bye.

Mysterious Ex: Okay, bye.

I am not entirely sure what is wrong. I have this feeling of what can only be described as blah. I don't know if it's because of Mysterious Ex or if he is just adding to it. I'm not sure if we are on the right track. I know that when we were apart, I was so sad, my heart hurt so much, that isn't something that normally happens with me. Usually I break up today and in at least a week, I am okay again. So, I think I love him. I'm realizing now that the whole New Guy thing wasn't so much confusing as it was a distraction from my relationship with M.E. Am I feeling this way because we are supposedly serious and I am scared? If we are supposed to be serious, why do I feel our relationship is so crappy? Do I think it's crappy because that's the way I'm making it out to be? Are things really okay between us but I'm making it seem un - okay? If I am, what kind of sick shit is that? I think I won't speak to him for a few days, just to clear things out, just to have a better understanding of my feelings. I mean, we fought so hard to get back together, I'm sure that wasn't done just for the hell of it. I know that he loves me, I know that he cares for me. I also know that somthing is bothering me. Again, I'm not sure of what I should do.

I'm going to hang out with The Heavenly One now. She has all of the junk food I wanted for dinner at her house.