Tonight, I am finding it very difficult to sleep. Mysterious Ex is supposed to come by in the morning, he said he wants to talk and he is bringing breakfast. I know that he is going to talk about us again and I know that he is going to say something I don't want to hear. I find him so strange at times, hence the name Mysterious Ex. He says he loves me, he says he wants to be with me, we seem to get along very well, we click like I haven't ever clicked with a person before in my life, he says the same thing but, he claims his job keeps him SO busy but, I have never in all of my life met someone as busy as he is. Often, I feel that he is lying to me but, I know him and lying and carrying on just really don't seem to fit into his personality. He really is a nice person, very sweet and kind so, I can't see him purposefully telling me untruths, purposefully hurting me but still, I don't understand.

For me, things are very simple. If I love someone, then they are important to me. I will not go as far as to say they are THE most important thing inmy life, but they are important. I will make time to be with the person I love, I will make sure that person KNOWS they are important to me. For me, ACTIONS speak louder than words. Not only will I TELL you I love you, you will SEE that I do. Things are not like that with him. He says I love you but to me, his actions do not evoke that. That is important to me. It is important for me to feel loved to feel as though I mean something to the person I am with, with him, I don't feel that way.

Mysterious Ex comes from a higher financial background than I do (my parents provided extremely well for me and my siblings but M.E.'s parents are on the cusp of being rich) so, it is important for him to be "more" than his parents. This means in addition to his "regular" job, which takes up about 10 hours of his day, he has side ventures, start ups that require his attention. Of course I am supportive of him, of course I want him to be successful, of course I am happy for him and his search for bettering (sp?) himself but I also do believe that if he really loved me as he claimed he did, this wouldn't be a problem, we would still be able to make this work.

I am staying up with the intentions of him waking me up when he gets here. I don't want to think about this before he gets here, I think it will make me too jittery, too nervous. I want to stay up as long as possible so that I will be asleep until he rings my bell. I hate this.

My Sister What is Up?

Just finished watching the Tyra Banks show which admittedly, I don't normally watch. Her topic today was racism and on the show, she had two guests that were of particular interest to me.

One the guests was this woman named Shelly Williams. Shelly is a thick Black woman, someone that I thought was very pretty until I heard what came out of her mouth. Shelly said she HATES (yes, she used the word hates) Black women. She also mentioned hating Black men but, she had a particular disdain for Black women. She then went on to describe so many things she hated about them (me) that it's hard to even list but she mentioned Black women being loud, obnoxious, atitude-y and being Aunt Jemima nappy heads. She went on about how she didn't consider herself to be a Black woman, how she doesn't call herself Black and how she only dates White men. Needless to say, I was more than a bit shocked. Where the hell does this come from? How can a person look at themselves (especially someone with lucsiously beautiful black skin) and say they hate that? It really sadenned me. She mentioned that she permed her hair EVERY TWO WEEKS because she didn't want nappy hair. Being an absolute proud person of color, this baffles me, it's just sick.

The other guest was a Black woman named Jamilah who said she purposefully married a Korean man so that her children would have "good hair". She went on about how when she was a child, her sister who was lighter than her, was treated better than she was. She says she didn't want her children to have to live in a world where they were viewed as less beautiful or less than other people because of their skin color or hair texture. There was also an Asian woman who had eye surgery to make her eyes appear more Caucasian. Again, all of this saddens me. What does one even say to a person like this? Someone who is so self loathing?

As a big fat, black nappy headed woman, one who has ALWAYS loved herself I just DON'T understand. I know this will come across as racist but, oh well. I can't see myself wanting to do something to myself to make ME look like those who are (and have been for centuries) oppressive, racist, and life stealing towards others just because of the way they look. Knowing MY history in this country and how I am viewed, I am happy, thrilled actually at my skin, my naps, my big nose, lips, hips, butt and everything else. It is who I am. I cannot, will not understand someone who lives their lives wanting to be something they are not especailly when the something they want to be reflects that of a race who have single handedly caused so much death and destruction world wide. I enthusiastically pick out my fro and throw my fist in the air on that one.

Lyrics from Welcome To The Colored Section by Donnie



Cloud Nine

"Yes, I wear the lamb's wool, the feet of burned brass and the wool defies gravity like the nature of a cloud".

"Happy to be nappy. I'm Black and I'm proud that I have been chosen to wear the conscious cloud".

"I could be a chameleon and wear it bone straight. But it's so much stronger when it's in it's nappy state."

"Don't let them tell you that you're ugly."

Meal Post

Thanks for the love guys. I'm very happy with my weight loss so thanks for your kind words. As I told Slow Metamorphosis I would, here are my meals for the day.

Breakfast:

6 strawberries
1/2 cup blueberries
1 container Stony Field Farms Organic Strawberry Yogurt
3 Tbsp Berkely and Jensen Granola

Snack

4 pieces of organic pineapple
6 pieces of organic honey dew melon
10 red seedless organic grapes

Lunch

Medium Salad - handful of EarthBound Farms Organic Romaine Hearts, handful of Organic baby romanie, handful of organic baby spinach, 1 organic Roma tomato, some fat free italian dressing

2 chicken breast wraps - 2 slices whole wheat organic wrap tortialla thingy
2 ounces of Thuman's Chicken Breast, handful of Organic Spring Mix

20 ounces Crystal Light Pink Lemonade


Snack

2 whole grain pretzels
1 organic fuji apple

Anticipated Dinner (if I get hungry)

a big salad (like the one I had for lunch)
water
yogurt with fruit or just some fruit

Wow, Again.

I reached my 30 pound mark today. I'm so excited about that. It has been much easier to lose weight than I thought it would be. Now, I have about 40 to go, but wow, 30, not bad at all, especially in 8 weeks.

Over the weekend I was feeling very lonely or I don't know, weird, so, I called Mysterious Ex and asked him to come over. I know that I said I didn't want him to come to my house so soon but, this was my choice, I really just needed him to come by. So, he brought breakfast, we ate, read the paper and just hung out, nothing special, and no sex, though, we did kiss. It felt so comfortable being with him, I'm not sure if it's because I love him or just because we click so well, but it wasn't even as though time had passed, we just fell into our usual habits, sitting on the couch while he rubbed my feet, me brushing his hair as we watched television. I asked him how he felt about our seeing one another and he said he thought it would be a bit weird since we haven't seen one another in a really long time but, it didn't he said, it just felt normal. My sentiments exactly.

So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my ex, ex, the one who called me and I called back recently. Truth be told, I think I'm just going to leave it alone. I loved him and he was a HUGE part of my life, we were together for five years, he is the first man I've ever loved, the first man I ever had sex with, the person who just a few years ago, I thought I would be with forever but, that's gone now. I'm not that person anymore and I don't think I could be for him what he thinks I am. The girl I was years ago and the woman I am now are different. My roots are in her, but I am not her. I think she is who he loves, that girl that he used to know. In many ways, I am not the person I was because of him. There isn't any way that I could just go back to that. I am cool with myself now. As much as I may complain about my life, I'm really cool and I don't want to back track. I'm just going to close that section of my life.

Now, I admittedly am not a fan of modern day hip hop, I'm a child of the 80's/90's: A Tribe Called Quest, De La Soul, BDP, etc. but wasn't it cool to see 36 Mafia win their Oscar last night? That was cool.

So, Mysterious Ex asked me out for later this week. He says he wants us to talk and I'm thinking, what else could we talk about? With him, it's a bit scary at times so, I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Wow

I almost can't believe it. The other day, my ex boyfriend who I haven't spoken to in five years called THO. He left her his info and asked that I call him. I didn't call him for days because I was thinking, "What does HE want?" "What is THIS about?" I called him and he apologized. Apologized for all of the things he did to me while we were together, apologized for the way he treated me, apologized for eing such an asshole. It was unbelievable. Still, right now, it all seems so surreal. It's just weird I guess, strange to think that I spoke to him, stranger still that he apologized because years ago, he was NOT that type of person. I guess stranger things have happened.

He and I exchanged email addresses and already, he has mailed me. He wants to know, without any pressure, if he and I could be friends and possiblyturn that into "more". Again, it is such a strange situation that I don't know how I feel about it exactly. I think one of the thngs I'm thinking is "why can't this be Mysterious Ex?" I know I have to stop that, I know I shouldn't do that but, I can't help it. A man I haven't spoken to, seen or heard from in FIVE YEARS jumps up one day and says "I love you, I think you're great, I want to be with you". Just like that, throws his heart on the line and M.E. who says he loves me more than this and that, he wants me and feels I am the ying to his yang son't nudge at all. It's like, at this point, do I just give in, date M.E. or even this old boyfriend? But, Goddess I don't want to sound whiny, but, those are not the people I want. Why are things this way? Why is everything so complicated?

So cool

While reading Donna's blog Creamy Crack, I read a comment by LDB Living on Purpose, where I saw a mention of Inspire Me Thursday which led me to post this self portrait. My major in undergrad was Fine Arts/Graphic Design and one of my Masters is in Graphic Design. I paint and create every so often, but this, is cool.

I used colored pencils on black illustration board because it's fast and I'm a bit sleepy.

Well

I went out with MD (really nice church guy) yesterday and he really is nice. He's smart, tall, good looking, funny, sweet, gentlemanly. So, why am I not that "into" him? Then I remember, he's just so churchy. Everything is god this and god that. Let's pray before we eat a french fry, let's pray before we cross the street. Though he's nice, I know there isn't anyway that he and I could ever REALLY have a relationship becuase in a word, I'm a heathen. Most black folks LOVE their god, and while I personally don't find anything wrong with that, organized religion of almost any form, and christianity in particular (which I personally view as a white male chauvanistic entitiy which down plays the role of women in biblical history and uses a badly re-written text which omits or plain changes many of the facts and the color and ethnicity of it's main character) just doesn't sit well with me. MD, I think, thinks that I am on the verge of being holy. Like "she just needs a good man and a baby then she'll go to church" kind of thing. But church, religion and what it stands for (taking poor folks money) just isn't my thing. So, I doubt that anything will come into fruition between MD and I because nothing will definitely come into fruition with me and his beloved church.

Lost 27 pounds thus far which has been VERY encouraging. Thus far, I've lost 4 inches off my waist, two off my upper arms, 1 off my thighs (I have THUNDER thighs, but, I say that with love) 2 inches off my calves and I think 3 or 4 off my hips, don't remember. Today, I put on a pair of yoga pants, which I love, they are my favorite "hanging around the house, not leaving a 5 block radius around the house" type pants. And what? They were TOO BIG. They hung way down on my hips, were too big in my thighs and actually dragged on the floor. I should still work out though, and much more than just walking. My stomach, thighs and butt look good but, my upper arms are getting flabby, I notice the difference. But my lazy ass, instead of thinking of the bicep and tricep curls that I SHOULD be doing, and can do because I have a friggin' Total Gym Platinum as well as numerous free weights in the house, just decided that I wouldn't wear anything sleeveless for a while (it's winter anyway, right?). So, only 43 more ponds to go. Doesn't seem as bas as that 70 I had to tackle a few weeks back.

I wore an afro puff piece yesterday and so now, I am trying to figure out what I should do with my hair. I really don't have any plans for tomorrow, and my nieces called and asked if they could stay over Saturday night (not sure about that yet) so, I want to get my hair done between tonight and tomorrow. I still am not used to my hair being this short. Today, as I walked around the house, I kept shocking myself because everytime I look in a mirror (and for some reason, I seem to have a lot of mirrors around the house), I see this short bushy haired chick who kind of looks like me, but not quite. It's very strange. I was going to attempt some tiny two strand twists just to see how they look, my dumb ass actually measured my hair and after the trim I gave myself the other day, I have about 3.25 inches of hair on my head, a bit of a shocker but, that's reality. However, I must say I'm LOVING my hair, I had my hands in it for most of the day. It' SO thick, and SO curly, I am never, ever, ever, never going back to the perm. While visiting The Heavenly One (mom, who uses no chemicals) I asked her, "why did I perm my hair ma?" Her answer (in a whiny and mocking voice) "cause you HAD to have it straight, remember?" Oh yeah.

Every morning, along with my other vitamins, I've been taking GNC's Hair, Skin and Nails Formula. It got really GREAT review on DrugStore.com so, I'm giving it a try just to see if it works. In addition, every night before I go to bed, I've been spraying an olive oil, rosemary, water mixture on my head which is supposed to stimulate hair growth.

So, I'll see.

Racism Maybe?

Since I am off for the week, I decided to untwist my hair so that I could properly wash and condition it and let it rest for a bit. Not that having my hair in the twists is at all stressful to it, I just really wanted to try out some of the shampoo and conditioner I made. Since this isn't the first time in my life that I have worn my hair natural, I have a bunch of hair recipes that I use when my hair is in it's natural state. Anyway, I decided that since is the way my hair is going to be FOREVER and since I've never worn my hair this short (very limiting in styles, to me) I wanted to buy an afro wig. So, I began searching and searching and searching. With the exception of a few wigs at this site:
Katour Wigs most of the wigs that consist of natural Black, African-American, Afro, type hair (whatever you wish to call it) MY natural hair type, are clown wigs. This goes for many of the dred loc type wigs too, they are from costume shops or are meant to be funny. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I am not the most open minded person to the world and I normally see things with a "racial twist" to them, from goings on at my job to television commercials but, I find it almost disturbing that natural afro type hair is used as clown hair. Why in the hell do clowns have afros? And, why in the hell is this funny? I told my cousin T (who is my best friend, quite rational and very clever) and her answer was, and I quote "yeah, clowns have big noses and big lips too". The other thing I saw where whores. Clowns and whores.


Now, how could ANYONE as beautiful as this:



or this:




or this:



or this:




ever be mixed up/made fun of (don't know the exact words I'd like to use) with this:




or this:







It's just disgusting.

Arrrgh

Been emotionally eating for the last day or two. I know better than that but doing it anyway. At the very least, I haven't eaten anything that could be catergorized as being "bad" for me, just eating a lot of the good stuff.

Despite what I said I would do, I continued to speak to Mysterious Ex. I know it was stupid, I know it was something I should not have done, but did. The last time I spoke to him, we spoke for about 2 and a half hours and he said a few times during our conversation that he wanted to see me this weekend. Now, I don't think I would have seen him, it wasn't something that I really wanted to do since I knew that would be opening a can I didn't want to open so I told him "we'll see". But, this weekend came and went and he didn't call me, I didn't hear from him, not once. Typical of M.E. the same thing over and over. He really does confuse me, I don't understand how he would go on and on about seeing me and then boom, nothing. This is why I shouldn't be speaking with him, this is why I broke up with him months ago, I never seem to learn. I think that I keep hoping that he will be different. I don't want to use the word change because I know he won't. He keep ing hoping deep down that he will understand the things that he does and just stope doing them, act correctly sometimes but, that isn't what he does. It upsets me though I know I shouldn't allow it to.

I am on vacation for the entire week for President's Week. So, I really don't have much planned. I am supposed to have lunch with MD (really nice church guy) on Wednesday and I was thinking of calling this guy I dated for a short bit of time last year. I have to write two essays for the Principal Training program, I don't want to do it, truthfully I think it's a bit silly, but it has to be done. I start my work out routine tomorrow. I can definitely say I'm not looking forward to that.

New Hairstyle

So far, I've lost 25 pounds, which is GREAT, especially since I haven't been working out as I should. Next week I have the ENTIRE week off! Which will give me a chance to finish up some of the redcorating I've started in the house and implement some exercise into my routine.

After chopping off all of my hair, I just oculdn't do it. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my hair, I always love my hair when it is natural. But, I've never had hair that short and it just felt kind of weird so, I bought some hair (kinky hair, actually, it was called Marley Braid) and I twisted my hair. It took about hours but, I went to The Heavenly One's house and sat on her living room floor, we ran our mouths, ate and watched movies so it wasn't that bad. So, I went from this:




to this:



But, I very well couldn't just walk around with all of this hair swinging all over the place, it just got in the way, going from 4 inches of hair to hair down the middle of my back in a few hours. So, I went to Nappturality.com and stole a hairstyle from a member named Schiffon (thanks girl and sorry I lost the address to your page) and did this to my hair:







Thus far, I like it, though I must admit that my bun is VERY large. I tried to smush it amd make it smaller, but that didn't work.

Since I have rather dry scalp and it's winter, under MotownGirl's advice, I made a leave in conditioner/moisturizer out of Creme of Nature's Nourishing Conditioner, a little olive oil and marm water, I put this into a spray bottle and before bed, I spritz a little on my hair and scalp and every other night, I work a little shea butter into my scalp. So far so good.

Admittedly, I have been speaking to Mysterious Ex for the last couple of days. Why? I don't know. I know that I shouldn't, but I have anyway. I told MD (nice church guy) that I would have brunch with him this Sunday after church. I already know that I will find something unbearably wrong with him, though I will try hard not to do so.

I bought a new old album by Amp Fiddler and have been listening to it for much of the evening, it's pretty solid piece of work. I'll have to listen to it much more.

Happy V Day

I spent Valentine's Day Evening watching Paula Abdul find a date on the
Dr. Phil Valentine's Evening I Need Love Special (or whatever it was called), giving myself a pedicure then chomping down on some yogurt and granola. THO gave me some flowers, how sweet, my brother gave me a card and a box of candy, awwwwww. And Sam, gave me a big wet kiss, even though he gives me those whether it's Valentine's Day or not. So, if you didn't get a Valentine today, here's one from me to you:

I've lost 23 pounds so far. Four inches off my waist so hopefully, I'll be back to normal soon.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I've been speaking to Myseterious Ex again. I know that I shouldn't talk to him but, I love him, I do and that complicates matters a lot. He kept saying he wanted to see me, I told him no over and over and over again but he went on and on about it, saying how much he missed me, how much he loved me and thought I was great and so eventually, I broke down. Tuesday was his birthday so, I told him I would bake him a cake. He tells me, "I would love that but unfortunately, I'm going to be in Jersey all day that day". Which leads right back into me thinking he is a liar. I mean literally for weeks he's all, "I love you", "You're the closest thing to perfect in my eyes", "I miss you", "I want to see you", "I want to kiss you", blah, blah and finally I say yes and then it's "Oh, well I'll be in Jersey". SOmething with him just isn't right. I mean, how convenient that he's available seemingly everyday EXCEPT for his birthday. I hate myself so much for even loving him though, I have to ask myself, what exactly is it I love about him because the person that is him, the person that I know, was only very average acting to me. I mean, on paper, he's a great guy but realistically, he's not that good, at least not to me. So, why am I even going through this? Why am I not allowing myself to get over this? Why am I dismissing other men but react so eagerly when he gives me just the slightest bit of attention? I think that I want him to love me the way he says he does. Not I think, I know that's what I want. I asked him this question, which he did not answer, but which I would love to know: If he thinks I'm so great and wonderful, if he loves me so much and wants me so badly, why is he not behaving as though that is the truth? Saying something and doing it are two different things. He says things, and I allow myself to fall for what he says, I allow myself to be swayed by him and I hate myself for that. I know that I'm better than this and Goddess knows that I know I am worth SO much more than this. I'm great. There is no conceit when I say that, I know for sure that I am a wonderful woman, I say that with nothing but honesty. So why, I must ask myself, am I doing this? Why is this so hard for me? Can I honestly believe that I love someone who treats me this way? It's sick.

MD (nice guy I met during my summer classes) called me the other day and invited me to brunch on Sunday. Originally, I told him I couldn't make it, I came up with some excuse or another but tomorrow, I am going to call him and I am going to go out with him. He is a nice guy, he has himself together but, I sit here pining for some man how is doing Goddess even knows what. I'm going to make myself stop. This is ridiculous, I have to move on.

This is the funniest thing I've seen all day!

Oh, it's so late, I'm up and I can't call anyone. This is by far, the funniest thing I've seen all day.

I opted to chop it.

I gathered all of my hair into a ponytail and chopped it off.




The ponytail I chopped off.



After I shaped it up, this is what I am left with:





My very short, but all natural hair.

To Chop, or Not to Chop?

I went natural a while back. I mean permanently natural. I've decided that I will never again use chemicals in my hair, I more than likely will not use heat on my hair either. Here, in lies the problem. My hair, all of my hair currently, is about 16 inches long, only about 4.5 inches of my hair is completely natural, kinky curly. The rest of it is processed and straight. I twisted my hair and have been wearing it like that for the past few weeks since I have two textures upon my head, the straight and the kinky. Tonight, I untwisted my hair and the chemically treated part of my hair, in my eyes, is ugly, it's thin, droopy, I don't like it, and I don't want it. I think I might just chop it all off, go for The Big Chop as it is called. Then, I would be left with a Teeny Weeny Afro. (which looks wonderful on this woman).



But, I'm kind of scared. I've never had hair that short. I think it looks beautiful on many people, I'm just not sure how it's going to look on me. Even in the past, when I've been natural, I've usually had a medium sized to a big ass afro




and now, my afro will be all of 4.5 (or less once I shape it) inches long. I'm afraid of having that little hair. I know that my hair will grow back and more than likely, by the end of the year, I'll have all of my length back but, I'm still scared. To chop or not to chop, that is the question.

Utterly Unbelievable

I have not worked out. Well, I did one day, but only one day. However, I have managed to lose 20 pounds thus far and, I've even had some ice cream. I've decided that February would be the month that I actually start working out. I know that my body will not continue all of this weight shedding on it's own.

Life has been kind of confusing lately. I keep going back on decisions that I've already made. I'm not sure what I should do exactly.

Holding steady at 15 pounds after eating this way for 19 days. I realize all of that was water weight, and now I have to really work to get the rest of the pounds off. The thing is, I'm REALLY lazy. I've been waking up early so that I can get in a good half hour of exercise before I begin my day but mostly I've used the time to lay in bed, give Sam belly rubs and think about what I might make for dinner when I get home. Working out really isn't even hard for me, I'm just SO lazy and really don't want to work out. I'm a sicky.

Mysterious Ex mailed me again, he says he wants to talk about "us", and while I will admit that I am intrigued and interested, I really just can't give in that easily. It isn't that I am playing hard but, I don't think he and I can be a good couple. I love M.E., I think he loves me. Truthfully, if I were to have a "perfect guy" he is it however, our relationship has always been so strained. I don't think it is worth the heart ache. However, M.E. is a very special person but, it's just too much.

My nieces spent the weekend with me this past weekend. It's hard work having kids in the house. I had to make sure they ate, bathed, I had to do their hair, make sure they brush their teeth, make sure they're not burning down my house. Very tiring. The good thing about my nieces is because of Sweet Brother, they are such foodies. I made a grilled chicken salad with balsamic vinigarette, raddichio, arugala, walnuts, apples, tangerined and cherry tomatoes, and they slurped it up like it was hamburger and french fries. They even asked me to make some so that they could take it home. I was actually impressed by their little taste buds. Another funny thing is they wanted to do everything I did. They wanted to me to style their hair like mine, they wanted to wash their faces with the same face cleanser I used instead of the one their mom packed for them. They wanted to use my perfume, my bath products and on occassion, I even saw them mimicking (not in a making fun of way) the way I sit or talk. Very cute. I made them a HUGE breakfast on Sunday consisting of fruit salad, pancakes, sausages, scrambled eggs, cinnamon toast, hot chocolate and orange juice. I invited The Heavenly One over (since she's right up the block) and we had a HUGE feast. I then made them some cinnamon rolls and chocolate chip, walnut, pecan cookies (which I made them take home). Sam had an absolute ball with them and and needless to say, we slept our behinds off when they left. All in all, a pretty good weekend.

Ugh!

Thus far, I have lost about 15 pounds which is cool though admittedly, I need to work out more. I'm pretty lazy, even when I used to exercise regularly, it was something I made myself do and for a semester I taught a yoga class to 4th, and 5th graders so it was like I HAD to work out for 2 hours three afternoons a week because you know, I was the teacher. Anyway, it has been a bit of a struggle to convince myself to work out, the thing is, I KNOW the benefits of working out, I will lose weight faster, I will tone up and not be a flabby, thinner me and I will feel even better than I do now. However, like I said, I am lazy and physical activity beyond shopping or sex just really isn't my forte. It's sad, but, it's true. On a related side note, last night I put on a rather slinky night gown that I haven't worn in a REALLY long time and it fit perfectly, I still can't see how I managed to gain 70 pounds but, I guess the scale doesn't lie. Anyway, I feel really great physically. I no longer feel sluggish, I don't need a nap when I get home from work and my entire body just seems to be working better, not sure if that is true, I just feel really good physically. I've been eating LOTS of fruit and vegetables and like two or three times a week, I eat some chicken or fish. I may cut out the chicken entirely though, since I am a bit scared of the bird flu but, that's an entirely different thing.

I spoke to the former would be father of my possible child to be and told him, right now, though it is something I want to do, we should put off the baby making. This is a huge decision and I want it to feel right. I don't want to rush into becoming a mommy and especially not a single mommy because I am afraid of my tumor. I am afraid of it, believe me, I am scared to death of what it may do to my ability to reproduce in the future but right now, that isn't something that I can really think about. It's like my mind is all over the place. I need to concentrate on one area then another. First things, first, I at least want to get back to my former size before I even consider becoming pregnant, it's just something I feel I need to do.

Work, now is dull as hell, I miss teaching smaller children, I miss being inthe classroom full time. I miss the excitement children have when they learn something new, I miss the children's reacitons when I show them soemthing for the first time or how they feel when they complete their first report, complete their first science experiment on their own. I am going to start looking now for a lower classroom position for next year. Where I am now just isn't gratifying to me, I'm not really happy.

Though physically I feel great, emotionally, I have been a bit upset. I am not sure I feel a real grip on where my life is headed. Everything that I thought I would be doing at this age has not happened. I'm not even in the career I thought I would be in. I've been thinking deeply about a lot of things lately. When I was away ove the weekend, I had a lot of time to think. I've thought maybe I should just sell the house and go live abroad, I love Italy. I lived there for a few months while in college and I could make decent money teaching english and being an associate professor at one of the American universities that have campuses there. I've thought I should try my hand at my own business again. This time, I could do it in addition to working instead of doing it in lieu of working full time. I've thought maybe I should sell my house and move to a smaller city. I'm tired of New York, I've been here all of my life and at this point, it's just boring. I love the museums, the parks, the vibrancy of the city but, it's so big, so impersonal, I think at times I'm ready for a change. Not to mention with the money I could get for this house, I could be a FANTASTICE house somewhere else and still have money left over to invest into a business of my own. I don't think I want to be in education for the rest of my life, it seems to me to be a very dull existence.

Then, there's the relationship, love side of things. Lately, I've been feeling very lonely and have been ignoring the urge to want to call Mysterious Ex. He put it out there and I want to speak to him. He's so comfortable and safe (sort of), and so his reaching out to me has made me want to speak with him though I know it isn't something I should do. Very often it enters into my mind that I don't want to be married or anything. For a long time, since I was an older teenager, I've been in search of a "good man", someone that I could possibly share a life with, have children with, love and who would love me. But as I get older, go through relationships and see people I know in theirs, I don't know if it is something I want to do anymore. It's so time consuming, so hurtful. Almost everyone I know that is married or in a long term relationship is not happy. I don't want to be that way. At this point, I'm not sure if I want to share my living space with anyone. I'm so used to being alone and on my own. I mean, theoretically, yes, that is what I want, the husband, kids, all that jazz. But realistically, is it even possible? I don't wnat to set myself up for disappointment and failure. I will not lie. My breakup with Mysterious Ex still hurts, it's six months later and still, if I think about it, I can cry. Despite the men I've dated after our breakup, I still think of him, of us. Why would I want to put myself through that again. Any sadness that I may feel now pales in comparison to the hurt that I felt when he and I were together. Why would I want to feel that again? So, I'm stuck in this phase, where do I go now, what do I do? What do I want? I'm not sure.

I feel GREAT!

So, in an attempt to lose much needed weight, I have decided to go all natural. I did this while I was in college but truthfully, haven't cared much either way what I put into my mouth as long as it wasn't too gross. So, not only for weight loss, but for over all health, I have cut out refined sugars, flours and food. I gave all of my flour and sugar to The Heavenly One and bought whole wheat flour (which I have yet to use), ane sugar in the raw (which I have used in small quantities in teas and such). I also have bought all organic food, organic unrefined shea butter, cocoa butter and coconut oil for all of my bodily moisturization needs. With the exception of green and herbal teas, the only other thing besides for water that I have been drinking is this orange. mango, apple juice smoothie that I bought from this organic, natural company and even that I water down. I found these great multi grain all natural pretzels (which have become like crack to me) and I've been snacking on these granola bars by Kashi, which are actually very good. I think Gwendolyn Oblivion told me about Kashi cereal. Other than that, I've eaten veggies, fruit, more veggies and some chicken or fish when I feel like being carnivorous.

So, I've had ample amounts of energy lately, Sam and I have been going out a lot, I just need to exercise more (I'm still very lazy when it comes to that). So far, I've lost 10 pounds, and even thought I know that mostly water weight, it feels good to be able to write that. I truly haven't felt this good in a really long time.

So, Mysterious Ex and I exchanged two rounds of emails. He wanted to call me and I basically asked him, "what will we talk about? Please tell me now what it is you feel we need to speak about? What do you have to tell me now that you didn't get the chance to speak with me about in a year and a half and then the six months following that?" He didn't have an answer. His response to me was "you must really hate me now, huh?" My answer to him was, "Please, M.E. you're such a fucking manipulator". That was it. I'm very proud of myself. There was admittedly a small part of me that wanted to speak to him but, really, at this point, what WOULD we talk about? It's just silly, it would be a waste of both our times, not to mention an emotional investment I am not willing to make.

So, I'm going to Philly for the weekend. I rented a villa. I'm going to do a little shopping and a little "hiking".

What the Hell?

Mysterious Ex called me today, 5 times. I didn't answer the phone, (I was here twice when he called), I just looked at the phone. I sent a letter a while back but, it wasn't a please call me, we need to talk letter it was just an, "end of the year get you out of my system so I can move on with my life" kind of letter. I don't want to speak to him. Why is he calling me? I don't think I even want to know why.