Utterly Unbelievable

I have not worked out. Well, I did one day, but only one day. However, I have managed to lose 20 pounds thus far and, I've even had some ice cream. I've decided that February would be the month that I actually start working out. I know that my body will not continue all of this weight shedding on it's own.

Life has been kind of confusing lately. I keep going back on decisions that I've already made. I'm not sure what I should do exactly.

Holding steady at 15 pounds after eating this way for 19 days. I realize all of that was water weight, and now I have to really work to get the rest of the pounds off. The thing is, I'm REALLY lazy. I've been waking up early so that I can get in a good half hour of exercise before I begin my day but mostly I've used the time to lay in bed, give Sam belly rubs and think about what I might make for dinner when I get home. Working out really isn't even hard for me, I'm just SO lazy and really don't want to work out. I'm a sicky.

Mysterious Ex mailed me again, he says he wants to talk about "us", and while I will admit that I am intrigued and interested, I really just can't give in that easily. It isn't that I am playing hard but, I don't think he and I can be a good couple. I love M.E., I think he loves me. Truthfully, if I were to have a "perfect guy" he is it however, our relationship has always been so strained. I don't think it is worth the heart ache. However, M.E. is a very special person but, it's just too much.

My nieces spent the weekend with me this past weekend. It's hard work having kids in the house. I had to make sure they ate, bathed, I had to do their hair, make sure they brush their teeth, make sure they're not burning down my house. Very tiring. The good thing about my nieces is because of Sweet Brother, they are such foodies. I made a grilled chicken salad with balsamic vinigarette, raddichio, arugala, walnuts, apples, tangerined and cherry tomatoes, and they slurped it up like it was hamburger and french fries. They even asked me to make some so that they could take it home. I was actually impressed by their little taste buds. Another funny thing is they wanted to do everything I did. They wanted to me to style their hair like mine, they wanted to wash their faces with the same face cleanser I used instead of the one their mom packed for them. They wanted to use my perfume, my bath products and on occassion, I even saw them mimicking (not in a making fun of way) the way I sit or talk. Very cute. I made them a HUGE breakfast on Sunday consisting of fruit salad, pancakes, sausages, scrambled eggs, cinnamon toast, hot chocolate and orange juice. I invited The Heavenly One over (since she's right up the block) and we had a HUGE feast. I then made them some cinnamon rolls and chocolate chip, walnut, pecan cookies (which I made them take home). Sam had an absolute ball with them and and needless to say, we slept our behinds off when they left. All in all, a pretty good weekend.

Ugh!

Thus far, I have lost about 15 pounds which is cool though admittedly, I need to work out more. I'm pretty lazy, even when I used to exercise regularly, it was something I made myself do and for a semester I taught a yoga class to 4th, and 5th graders so it was like I HAD to work out for 2 hours three afternoons a week because you know, I was the teacher. Anyway, it has been a bit of a struggle to convince myself to work out, the thing is, I KNOW the benefits of working out, I will lose weight faster, I will tone up and not be a flabby, thinner me and I will feel even better than I do now. However, like I said, I am lazy and physical activity beyond shopping or sex just really isn't my forte. It's sad, but, it's true. On a related side note, last night I put on a rather slinky night gown that I haven't worn in a REALLY long time and it fit perfectly, I still can't see how I managed to gain 70 pounds but, I guess the scale doesn't lie. Anyway, I feel really great physically. I no longer feel sluggish, I don't need a nap when I get home from work and my entire body just seems to be working better, not sure if that is true, I just feel really good physically. I've been eating LOTS of fruit and vegetables and like two or three times a week, I eat some chicken or fish. I may cut out the chicken entirely though, since I am a bit scared of the bird flu but, that's an entirely different thing.

I spoke to the former would be father of my possible child to be and told him, right now, though it is something I want to do, we should put off the baby making. This is a huge decision and I want it to feel right. I don't want to rush into becoming a mommy and especially not a single mommy because I am afraid of my tumor. I am afraid of it, believe me, I am scared to death of what it may do to my ability to reproduce in the future but right now, that isn't something that I can really think about. It's like my mind is all over the place. I need to concentrate on one area then another. First things, first, I at least want to get back to my former size before I even consider becoming pregnant, it's just something I feel I need to do.

Work, now is dull as hell, I miss teaching smaller children, I miss being inthe classroom full time. I miss the excitement children have when they learn something new, I miss the children's reacitons when I show them soemthing for the first time or how they feel when they complete their first report, complete their first science experiment on their own. I am going to start looking now for a lower classroom position for next year. Where I am now just isn't gratifying to me, I'm not really happy.

Though physically I feel great, emotionally, I have been a bit upset. I am not sure I feel a real grip on where my life is headed. Everything that I thought I would be doing at this age has not happened. I'm not even in the career I thought I would be in. I've been thinking deeply about a lot of things lately. When I was away ove the weekend, I had a lot of time to think. I've thought maybe I should just sell the house and go live abroad, I love Italy. I lived there for a few months while in college and I could make decent money teaching english and being an associate professor at one of the American universities that have campuses there. I've thought I should try my hand at my own business again. This time, I could do it in addition to working instead of doing it in lieu of working full time. I've thought maybe I should sell my house and move to a smaller city. I'm tired of New York, I've been here all of my life and at this point, it's just boring. I love the museums, the parks, the vibrancy of the city but, it's so big, so impersonal, I think at times I'm ready for a change. Not to mention with the money I could get for this house, I could be a FANTASTICE house somewhere else and still have money left over to invest into a business of my own. I don't think I want to be in education for the rest of my life, it seems to me to be a very dull existence.

Then, there's the relationship, love side of things. Lately, I've been feeling very lonely and have been ignoring the urge to want to call Mysterious Ex. He put it out there and I want to speak to him. He's so comfortable and safe (sort of), and so his reaching out to me has made me want to speak with him though I know it isn't something I should do. Very often it enters into my mind that I don't want to be married or anything. For a long time, since I was an older teenager, I've been in search of a "good man", someone that I could possibly share a life with, have children with, love and who would love me. But as I get older, go through relationships and see people I know in theirs, I don't know if it is something I want to do anymore. It's so time consuming, so hurtful. Almost everyone I know that is married or in a long term relationship is not happy. I don't want to be that way. At this point, I'm not sure if I want to share my living space with anyone. I'm so used to being alone and on my own. I mean, theoretically, yes, that is what I want, the husband, kids, all that jazz. But realistically, is it even possible? I don't wnat to set myself up for disappointment and failure. I will not lie. My breakup with Mysterious Ex still hurts, it's six months later and still, if I think about it, I can cry. Despite the men I've dated after our breakup, I still think of him, of us. Why would I want to put myself through that again. Any sadness that I may feel now pales in comparison to the hurt that I felt when he and I were together. Why would I want to feel that again? So, I'm stuck in this phase, where do I go now, what do I do? What do I want? I'm not sure.

I feel GREAT!

So, in an attempt to lose much needed weight, I have decided to go all natural. I did this while I was in college but truthfully, haven't cared much either way what I put into my mouth as long as it wasn't too gross. So, not only for weight loss, but for over all health, I have cut out refined sugars, flours and food. I gave all of my flour and sugar to The Heavenly One and bought whole wheat flour (which I have yet to use), ane sugar in the raw (which I have used in small quantities in teas and such). I also have bought all organic food, organic unrefined shea butter, cocoa butter and coconut oil for all of my bodily moisturization needs. With the exception of green and herbal teas, the only other thing besides for water that I have been drinking is this orange. mango, apple juice smoothie that I bought from this organic, natural company and even that I water down. I found these great multi grain all natural pretzels (which have become like crack to me) and I've been snacking on these granola bars by Kashi, which are actually very good. I think Gwendolyn Oblivion told me about Kashi cereal. Other than that, I've eaten veggies, fruit, more veggies and some chicken or fish when I feel like being carnivorous.

So, I've had ample amounts of energy lately, Sam and I have been going out a lot, I just need to exercise more (I'm still very lazy when it comes to that). So far, I've lost 10 pounds, and even thought I know that mostly water weight, it feels good to be able to write that. I truly haven't felt this good in a really long time.

So, Mysterious Ex and I exchanged two rounds of emails. He wanted to call me and I basically asked him, "what will we talk about? Please tell me now what it is you feel we need to speak about? What do you have to tell me now that you didn't get the chance to speak with me about in a year and a half and then the six months following that?" He didn't have an answer. His response to me was "you must really hate me now, huh?" My answer to him was, "Please, M.E. you're such a fucking manipulator". That was it. I'm very proud of myself. There was admittedly a small part of me that wanted to speak to him but, really, at this point, what WOULD we talk about? It's just silly, it would be a waste of both our times, not to mention an emotional investment I am not willing to make.

So, I'm going to Philly for the weekend. I rented a villa. I'm going to do a little shopping and a little "hiking".

What the Hell?

Mysterious Ex called me today, 5 times. I didn't answer the phone, (I was here twice when he called), I just looked at the phone. I sent a letter a while back but, it wasn't a please call me, we need to talk letter it was just an, "end of the year get you out of my system so I can move on with my life" kind of letter. I don't want to speak to him. Why is he calling me? I don't think I even want to know why.

Damn!

Today, I decided to start the Weight Watchers point system diet. I tried this like two years ago and lost 32 pounds in seven weeks, so, I've decided to try it again. At the beginngin of the progtam, you have to weigh yourself, take measurements of your body, etc. All things that I didn't really want to do (I haven't gotten on a scale since last year and I mean like this time last year) but, I HAD to. I KNOW that I've gotten fatter, Jesus do I know. Despite running up and down train steps, I still eat, A LOT, I don't exercise any more and I wear two sizes bigger than I used to. So, I figure, two sizes, not too bad right? What could I have gained? 20 pounds? 25 maybe?

WRONG!!!!!! I hate to admit this, but writing this will make it more real for me. I gained 70 SEVENTY pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At first, I got off the scale to check if it was correct (you know, on zero before I get on) and it was. DAMN!!!!!! How the FUCK did this happen and why, oh why, am I only wearing two sizes bigger?!!!

I don't wear my clothes tight, quite to the contrary, my clothes fit tailor well, not too tight, not too big, just like they should. Granted, there are a pair of jeans or 12 that I can't fit anymore, but not by too much, it's not like I can't get them up, I just have a bit of trouble sitting in them all day, and climbing steps, and zippering them closed. But 70?!!!, DAMN!!!! I don't know what else to say. This means, and I HATE to write this, but, this means that I weigh 100 pounds more than I did after I did weight watchers before. That shit is crazy. C R A Z Y.

On the bright side, and Goddess, I'm SEARCHING for a bright side I look pretty good for someone who has gained 100 pounds. I see pictures of myself and though I am obviously bigger than I used to be, I still look cute. My stomach still is not very big, it's still pretty flat actually, and I CAN STILL WEAR LIKE 70% of my clothes. How, I'm not really sure, but I do. So, that's my story. Obviously, I will go back to my old exercise regimine. I won't be happy, it will be hard and I'll probably bitch, moan, cry, complain and be upset A LOT. But, it has to be done because this shit is just RIDICULOUS and, I can't allow this to continue.

Merry Christmas! (I'm glad it's over)

I am tired. Tired, tired, tired. SO tired in fact, that after my guests left, Samson and I slept for about a hour and a half on the LIVING ROOM FLOOR. Well, I guess I should say, I WAS tired. I decided to have Christmas at my house this year. The Heavenly One wasn't really up to it, and my brother had to go to work tonight at 11 so, I decided to take on the task.

I started yesterday with the baking. I made sugar cookies (well actually the dough for sugar cookies has to be made the night before so TECHNICALLY, I started on Friday), which I cut into little Christmas shapes, and some hearts. I baked two Red Velvet Cakes, three cheesecakes, 1 cherry, one chocolate swirl and one sweet potato swirl. I baked an apple pie and a sweet potato pie. We didn't want to do the whole "feast" thing again, like we had for Thanksgiving, so we let my nieces choose the menu. So, as per the the children's request, we had Lasagna, garlic bread, salad, barbecued ribs, sweet and sour chicken and cajun chicken. I also made a Mozarella and tomato salad and had a large asssortment of crudite and chips, pretzels, nuts, etc. My sister in law made banana pudding, (which was VERY good) and carrot cake (didn't have room to taste it) and we ate like HOGS! All in all, it was a pretty good evening though, I had a LOT to do. I had to go to the basement, and find the two leaves to my dining table, clean the house of course (that wasn't so bad since I clean normally) but, the cooking and preparing was the worst. I also had to wrap gifts and look cute for them. I started the day off in 4 inch heels and a black wrap dress, but ended it in flip flops and yoga pants. Samson had a ball with Delilah (my mom's dog) and my nieces, and my cat even came out after a while. Now, my house looks a mess, they did put the food into refrigerator containers but, tomorrow, I will have to wash dishes, and get things back to normal. We had a really good time so, though I am tired, I am happy.

On a nother note, I spoke to Mysterious Ex through email the other day. Actually, we exchanged like 20+ (no exaggeration) emails for like two days. He wants to meet with me, he says he misses me and he wants us to talk. There is a side of me that wants to see him, that wants to talk to him, but last night, as I was lying in bed, I came to the decision that I won't see him. I have been down that road before, I cannot do it again. I love him, yes, I won't say I don't, but, I love me, and I cannot do that to myself. Not again.

You're a Strong Independent Woman

I heard that AGAIN today. I guess in many instances it could be taken as a compliment but, I for one am kind of tired of this namesake. I think that being seen as a "strong independent woman" has some negative conotations. It makes me seem like "the kind of woman who doesn't need (want) a man". I think it gives me the appearance of being forever okay with what is going on in my life. Don't get me wrong, I like my life, I have a good life but, I would like to be in a relationship. I would like the husband and the baby, if that is to exist for me. This "strong independent woman" thing is "keeping" me from being in a relationship, at least a good one. But, I cannot just go and change who I am. I am the person I am, regardless of whether that is seen as strong, independent or whatever other words anyone would use to descirbe me. I cannot change that part of me but, will it be detrimental to my life in love?

Natural

I have decided to go natural. This is not a new thing for me. I have been natural on and of since I was 18. I'll go a year were I don't straighten my hair then I'll have a year of getting my hair permed. I am tired to destroying my hair by making it do what it isn't supposed to naturally do. I don't want to be a slave to a chemical or wear my hair straight because that is the way it is supposed to be. Today, well actually a few weeks ago, I say goodbye to the perm. Good bye perm. Hello Natural.

blah

not much going on. For most of the week, after work, I have been re arranging furniture, throwing out old stuff and putting up the new things that have been arriving daily. With the excepiton of a few things here and there, much of my second floor is done. I still have to put up the canopy around my bed, I am waiting for this huge paintinf that I ordered and for my new dining room chairs. In addition to all of that, I have been converting my cd collection onto my iPod which has been taking a lot of time. Actually, I haven't used my iPod out of the house yet, I'm scared, I know that's crazy, but some kid got killed for one just last year and I'm not in the mood really to die for a toy.

Sam was sick the other day, and so I was up all night wih him, rubbing his belly and singing to him. For some reason, every so often or so, he gets the runs. He's is eating one of the best (and most expensive) foods available but he has this sensitive tummy. I made him some chicken stew with rice and have been giving him yogurt treats. He seems a lot better but, I'm still going to take him to the vet this weekend which should set me back at least a hundred.

Other than those things, not much going on. I haven't done any Christmas shopping as of yet, even though I did buy myself a bunch of crap. I've decided to take Wed., Thurs. and Friday off in order to do some last minute shopping. And because honestly, a lot of my students aren't going to be in school anyway.

I'm so tempted to bake some cookies, but after last weeks three square meals of cookies and this week's too tight to wear jeans incident, I'm going to back off. I began to lose some weight when I started abck to work, but between sitting in the house and eating these grand dinners and sweets I love to make (cooking and baking relax me), I've been putting on the pounds like no one's business. One of the reasons I bought the iPod was so that Sam and I oculd go jogging outside and I could have something to listen to but, like I mentioned, I don't want to get killed over a toy.

OMG!

I totally stole this picture from The Humanity Critic RIP indeed. This is F'ed up.

This morning, for breakfast, I ate cookies and milk, and then for lunch, I ate cookies and milk and then for dinner, I ate cookies and milk. Very unhealthy but, heh, who cares? I'm trying to "get it while I can", but more on that later.

I've been rearranging the furniture in my house for about the last week. Every day after work, I move one thing about two feet in one direction, and then something else about three feet in another direction. Then, I sit for about an hour examing the aesthetic of each piece and how it's position sits in the flow of the room. (Another way of saying, I talk on the phone for about two hours and get too sleepy to finish). Today,I woke up bright and early with the intention of finishing everything today. I would have to say, I am about 65% finished. Still shopping for the new furniture I am going to get. I ordered a bunch of stuff and some of it has come already but, I'm still not finished of course.

I went to a really cool party last week and so now I am thinking about having a party for New Year's. I want it to be really cool, and so I have been trying to put together really cool, eclectic music and a great menu. I definitely want to have a huge party some time next year. Probably a swanky cocktail party and then a big back yard barbeque shin dig. Don't really know how I've been feeling the last few days, just ho hum I guess. Not sad, or happy, just so. I sent that letter off to Mysterious Ex the other day and I haven't regretted it as of yet. I thought I would get a bit nervous or weird feeling about it but, I've been cool. Haven't gone out AT ALL since yesterday. I think Samson and I will go for a big walk tomorrow, stop being such a weird hermit.

The Heavenly One went to a Passion Party at her sister's house tonight. She asked if I wanted to come along I quickly declined. #1 I have all of the "toys" I need and #2 Something skeeved me out about sitting in a room full of 60 year old women and dildos. So, I'm just here, doing nothing. I've decided to become celibate and get back into yoga and meditation, do some introspection. I told Q, (older guy with house in Belize) that I'm not really ready to date, I have some things that I want to sort out with myself. He, being the earthy, meditation prone guy he is, answered, "that's cool, I just did that for the last three years, real clarifying. We'll speak, keep in touch, it's cool." Three years? I don't know if I can do that for that long, but we'll see.

So, as a part of my celibacy/yoga/meditation/enlightenment, I've decided to cut out as much sugar (uggggh!) white flour (uggggggggh!) and high fats (ugggggggh!) as possible. I've done this before but always with much resistance. I always fall off about a month into it. Well see how this goes, again.

I sent the letter. I didn't think about it much of the day, but now that I am home, I feel a bit nervous. Not sure why exactly, but it is just a bit unnerving. I have to think, I feel as though I am doing this for closure's sake, but I hope somewhere deep down, I am not doing this for a response. When M (my ex fiancee) and I broke up some years ago, I sent him a letter a few months after the break up and it felt great to just get rid of that hurt. I feel that is what I am doing with this letter to Mysterious Ex, I hope I am right.

Not much to say

Life has been pretty ordinary. Work is fine. I've recently undertaken some redecoration/ petty renovation projects. I'm redoing my informal living room, bedroom and upstairs bathroom. I'm looking for a new biege couch, a new carpet and some new decor for the living room. My bedroom is getting a new bed, and a new setee or chaise lounge, plus a new table or two and definitely some new plants and lighting in both rooms. My bathroom I guess will have the most work done to it. I'm going to have the ceiling raised, new sink, cabinets and fixtures, new toilet and maybe a new tub/shower. My studio will also have some work done to it but that consists mainly of just new lighting. It's a lot of money and will probably take some time but, I'm bored with the way my house looks, it's time for something different.

I wrote Mysterious Ex a letter but, I've yet to mail it off. It felt good to just write it so, I'm not sure if I'm going to even send it to him, I may have just needed to get those feelings out of me and onto paper.

Desperately anticipating the christmas holiday so I can get a week and a half off. I just haven't really been in the work mood lately, not sure if I'm restless or just plain lazy, just not in the mood to be at work.

I went to a great party this weekend and now I have been inspired to have a party too. I was thinking of having one for New Year's, but, maybe I'll wait until I finish redecorating.

I spoke with Q (older guy with house in Belize), we are supposed to go out tomorrow but, I was speaking with my cousin T and I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't go out with him. Not because I don't like him, I think he's cool but truthfully, I don't feel much like going out with anybody, I just want to chill for a bit and be with myself. Also, I'm not sure what will happen between me and him. We really dug each other before and we stopped seeing one another because he felt he was so much older than me (which truthfully, he is) the thing is, I know I don't automatically have to marry him just because we go out a few times or enjoy one another's company but, there really isn't anywhere for us to go. I will admit that though I might not be trying to get into a relationship now, I would like to be apart of a relationship relationship and that isn't something that I feel he and I can do because, he's SO much older than me. His life is pretty settled, he's made his choices and they thus far have not included a wife or children, I don't think we want the same things out of life.

Spoke with my friend T (girl with the fabulous life but doesn't know it) and she tells me, her husband cheated on her and she was devastated. I admittedly didn't understand this because this is the same woman who cheats on her husband like (no exaggeration) three - five times a month. I just was a bit taken aback that she would go as far as to describe her feelings as that of devastation when she doesn't seem to take her relationship seriously AT ALL. That was a bit strange.

Well, nothing else besides that going on.

You are my friend, I like you but why do you insist on getting on the phone and recounting EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of your VERY boring day? I took the day off, you know this, I want to chill, hang out and do nothing. But, you INSIST on calling me 6,7,8,9 times until I answer the phone. WHY? Why do you do this? If you are my friend, you would leave me alone, you would respect my day off and leave me be, but NO! I have to hear from the time you woke up, to what soap you used, to what you wore to work, it's ridiculous. Leave me alone!

Well

Here I am, a year older and hopefully, a bit wiser. I don't know exactly the mood I've been in lately. I was sad most of last week, okay much of this week, but today, I've been just, blah. Didn't go to work today. Took a shower, then a bath, gave myself a pedicure, took Sam outside, washed some clothes, took out something for dinner (though I've yet to cook it) and layed across the bed reading 'The Cider House Rules' for about the last hour. I guess I'm going through the motions. Of what? I'm not really sure. Think I might stay home tomorrow too, I just feel content where I am and I don't want to ruin this feeling.

I thought alot today about things with Mysterious Ex. I'm tired of dwelling on it for so long. I know that I should be over it by now but my brooding over our break up has shifted gears. No longer am I just sad about the situation as much as I am upset with myself for investing so much time, effort and emotion into it. One part of me wants to write him a letter, I feel that I will feel better if I get some things "off my chest" another part of me thinks it's a lame idea and I'm not really in the mood to do so. I don't know.

The other day, Q called me (the older guy with the house in Belize) and asked me why I haven't called him. He says that he would like to go out with me, he'd like us to reconnect. I told him okay but truthfully, I'm just not in the mood to do any connecting. Right now, I just want to be. I somehow think that it is important for me to just take some time, reflect, gather myself before I make any moves, any decisions. I like him, he's a cool person, I don't want to tangle my mind up with thoughts of him while I am still dealing with the Mysterious Ex/me thing. I think that my rushing into trying to have a baby put those "dealing with my sadness" issue on the back burner. I know that everything we do in life is supposed to teach us a lesson, and I am trying to learn from my experience with M.E.

In other parts of my life, I am completely hooked on LOST.

Though I must admit I am knd of angry at the writers for trying to make EVERY character sympathetic. First it was Shannon who was such a bitch last season, I liked her as a bitch, it was funny and it gave the show some depth. Then we have to find out right before she dies that she was only so mean because her step mother stole her inheritance. Then it was Ana Lucia who obviously is a bit nutty, we have to find out the only reason she's so angry, bitter and murder happy is because some rouge thug shot her and killed her unborn child. Now, #1 I've known women who have lost babies, and it hasn't turned them into trigger happy manical killers. and #2 if Ana Lucia knew she was pregnant, why was she running around being a beat cop? Hasn't she ever heard of desk duty. Then we have to see Kate's story. Last season, Kate was the bad ass. The cute girl with this wild past. She robbed a bank, was on the run and now we find out, she killed her father? Because, she didn't like the fact that he was her dad? Huh? I've also known a person or two whose dads ran out on them. I knew this one girl whose father beat her mom, ran out on them, then married the mother's sister and believe it or not, they moved down the street from the girl and her mother, now if anyone deserves to die, it's that nigger, and miraculously, that girl didn't do anything. The things the characters are starting to do are beginning to seem a little far fetched. I don't know if I'm buying it all.

Some other things that are kind of pissing me off are the others/hatch story line. Are the others supernatural?
Why are they stealing children?
Is the hatch some kind of abandoned goverment experiment?
If they have been on the island for only like 50 days, why is Sayid boo hooing over Shannon like she was his wife?
Why doesn't Mr. Ecko ever answer when people speak to him? I find that shit rude.
Why did Michael sit down to chat on the computer like he was on AOL at home? I wouldn't have answered.
Where is Walt? and why is he always soaking wet when people see him, speaking backwards, but apparently he has internet access?

All of this and about a months worth of repeats to get through. I need a life.

Today's my Birthday!!

Happy Birthday Me!

Depression Becomes Her

I've been in this very bad place for the past few days. I know I shouldn't get this way. I know that I have a good life but every so often, I just get kind of down in the dumps about stuff. I hate to feel that way, but it's the truth.

I dont' think I have the Assistant Principal job. They told me they would get back to me by Friday but I haven't heard from them. I thought I had this too, they seemed so interested and when I went for a tour of the school, the principal said, "I'll take you to YOUR office" but, ah well. The funny thing is, I spent all of the extra money in my head, I thought about how I would redocorate and renovate the downstairs the way I wanted to. So, I've been a bit sad about that.

Also, I've been going through this whole thing where I have been missing Mysterious Ex. I thought I was okay but, I think I'm getting anxious with my birthday coming up. For some reason, I think that I'm going to hear from him on my birthday, and that kind of has me on edge. One side of me wants to hear from him, I want things to progress fromt there, but the other side of me knows that isn't a reality. So, I have done this sad sack thing that I always do. As soon as work was over yesterday, I went shopping and bought a bunch of clothes, which I definitely don't need. Thoguh they were pretty cute. Then I went to the furniture store and bought a bunch of accents, just crap to put on shelves, on tables, and I saw a bed that I might get. I came home and shopped on line and bought a ring, a bracelet and an ipod. Then I went to bed, sad, near tears and upset because I thought about the reasons M.E. and I broke up and realized/always knew they were trivial. Then I went to this really dark place where I am thinking, "I was just a joke to him", " I wasn't significant to him", "He never loved me, he just thougt me to be a game to him, I wasn't important". It really hurt. I have to think, if I were important to him, why would he just give up on us so easily, I know I'm the one who intiated our break up but, he didn't give much resistance. I realize I am not over how things ended with us, I'm not okay with it, I kind of just brushed it out of my mind and now I think it is coming back.

I sat in my house yesterday and I just look at the sheer size of it. It's a huge house, way too big for just me. Just room after room of emptiness. I thought about baby and realize this isn't something I want to do by myself, tumor or no tumor. I'm not saying I'm going to hav ethis perfent happy life, but, I don't want to be a single mother, that isn't something I want to do. Doint so would mean that I'm just giving up, I'm not even going to try to make my life what I want it to be. I became upset again because I think, what else is there? Like, what is the point of life and why am I even in existence? Not in an "I want to kill myself type of way", but just in a "what is the point of it all?" kind of way. It makes me upset at times that I am not as strong as I think I am, that I am not as strong as I claim to be or want to be.

I feel very alone. It isn't the "I need a man" type of alone, I'm not that kind of girl. But, I must admit that I miss that kind of companionship, I miss that type of attention. But, even when M.E. and I were together I felt this way because, I barely saw him. Why is it so difficult for me to be in a decent relationship when almost everyone around me has someone in their life. Almost everyone I know has started their family or is on their way to doing so, and here I am, still alone, still waiting or looking or whatever it is I am doing. Then it makes me think, there must be something wrong with me, or I must not be a good person to be so unlovable, so unwantable. Friends and family tell me I am great, and even men that I meet and date casually, but arent' friends and family supposed to tell you that? And men are just trying to fuck me so of course I am great to them. I feel that I am a good person, anyone I have ever dated has told me I am, so, what is the problem?

I never seem to meet someone that I really like, and when I do, there is something wrong with them. Since I was 17, there have been three men that I have taken seriously, and all three of them had some serious problems so, it makes me think I must have problems too, to be attracted to those kinds of people. What do my choices in men say about me as a person? as a woman? The thing is, I think that I built Mysterious Ex up into this unattainable kind of person. Of course he had faults, but I thought so much of him, I allowed myself to love him in such a way that now, it's like no one else can compare to him. One part of me so badly wants to talk to him, even just to ask why? Why did things end up this way? You claimed to have loved me, but not enough to fight for us? I guess I am not worth that. I don't want to be broken hearted, I don't want to be "stuck"on him, but, I am. I have of course tried dating other people since he and I have broken up but, maybe I'm not ready yet. No one that I meet is as smart, is as funny is as put together, I seem to compare everyone to him. It just bothers me so much, I feel as though I've missed out on something huge in my life. I think it's very rare that someone meets a person who so perfectly fits into their version of "it", where will I meet someone like that again? I've convinced myself that meeting someone like him is not likely. But then again, maybe he was not the person I thought he was. If he were, would I be here now?

So, very early this morning, I woke up and made a bunch of shit to eat. I made sweet potato pancakes, sausages, coffee, eggs and I ate it all. I got in the bed and went back to sleep, slept until noon, let Sam run around the back yard for a while, and now I'm in the bed again laptop in tow, shopping online. I don't want to be in this state, it's stereotypical, it's stupid, but this is how I deal, this is what is comfortable to me when I am hurt and right now, I am hurting.

At this point, I don't know what to do. I guess there isn't much for me to do but just go through it. I wish I were different, I wish I were stronger, but, I'm not, this is just who I am.

So, what do I do? I have seriously thought of just not pursuing a serious relationship anymore, just casually dating and when I am ready to have a child, to just do so because it is obvious that now, I am NOT ready. This way, I would just be single for the rest of my life. I've thought of just getting into a realtionship with the next decent person who wants to be with me but, I know I won't be able to do that, if I'm not into someone, I can't fake it. I've thought of calling M.E. but, I wasn't happy with him with the way things were between us. There's a reason our relationship didn't work. I've thought of calling A again but, I can't do it. I can't be with someone I don't think highly of. I know that I'm young but, in other aspects, in so far as having children and all that jazz, I'm not. I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone right now, that I know but, how long will I be in this heartbroken state? It's been four months, how long will it be before I am okay again?

I'm an asshole, and immature too

I have been dating since I was about 18. Before I met my first serious boyfriend at 18, I of course, went out with a few guys here and there. At the age of 18, when I didn't like a guy for what ever reason, I would just stop talking to him. I would stop calling him and I would no longer take his phone calls. Some guys got it right away, it took others a few weeks and in two cases, several months. The weird thing is, as I've gotten older, (I'll be 28 in two weeks), I do the same thing! What's wrong with me? Why do I do this? I liken myself to be a pretty put together intelligent chick, but, it is hard for me to just say, "hey guy, I don't want to do this, it's not you, it's me, let's just be friends" not me, I just stop talking to the person. I fantasize these long conversations where I am being very adult and discussing the reasons why I and the guy shouldn't see one another, but, I just don't do it.

I'm in the midst of this thing now with A, the guy I was pseudo dating and whom I now consider to be a big idiot. I haven't spoken to him in like 4 four days. I could just call and say, "Hey, A, I made a mistake, maybe we shouldn't pseudo date, I don't like you, you're an bigoted idiot". or, I could just say. "A, this really isn't working out, I think you're a nice person, I just don't think we click". That would be the cool adult thing to do, but, obviously, I'm neither cool nor adult. The funny thing is, every so often, some guy calls me out on my bullshit. I kind of feel bad for the three minutes it takes me to listen to their messages, and sometimes for about four minutes after that, but all in all, I don't really care. The VERY strange thing about it is, that was the way Mysterious Ex handled things, to just stop talking to me, and I HATED that shit. HATED, HATED, HATED. So, why would I do this to other people? I'm not sure really. Maybe I'm afraid of confrontation, maybe I'm just an asshole.



I have that interview tomorrow for the AP position. I guess I'm pulling out the big guns. I have all of my excellent evaluations, my reports from the teacher training I've done, my classroom management program (which can easily be modified for school wide use), reports from all of the after school programs I've been a part of (2 of them being under my direction), I've gone over my educational theories, my discipline tactics, I've pulled out my crispest, most expensive interview outfit (crossing my fingers, legs, toes and eyes that it still fits) and I hope it all works. Looking through my things, I seem to be a pretty proficient person, at least career wise, kind of makes me wonder why I don't use those same tactics in my personal life.

Since I sat on my fat ass shopping on line for half the day yesterday, like some kind of idiot, Sam and I are going for a brisk walk in the park to try and burn off at least some of the three donuts I ate yesterday.

Such an Idiot! and WooHoo, a job offer!

I just got off of the phone with A, the guy that I have been psuedo dating and I don't like him anymore, this dude is a total idiot. First off, he calls me, we exchange normal pleasantries and he goes, "Hold on, I want to hear this". He comes back tothe phone so I say, "what happened?" He says, "nothing, they were saying there was a bias attack and I thought some black guy got beat up, but it's just some gay dude." I of course go, "and that's okay? Is that what you are saying?" He says, "no, but it's not really that big of a deal". "What!" I say, "it isn't cool if the guy is Black but because he's gay it's fine, that's some bullshit." I guess he was taken a back by my pro gayness and he actually tells me "what, are you defending THEM?" WTF?! This dude is a straight idiot, I HATE him. I go on to ask him if he feels it's okay for a white, asian, latino, woman, arab, indian person to be beat up purely because they are what they are, he goes "of course not, why do you have to pull apart what I'm saying, what's up with that?" I really just kind of get angry and disinterested so I pull back, I've labeled him an idiot so, I don't say much. I then turn on the news (a different channel then he was watching) and they are talking about the attack, it occurred on Christopher and Stonewall Streets, right in the middle of the Village which is known as a very "gay" area. I'm actually shocked that someone would attack someone for being gay there, it's like a Black guy being beat up for being Black, in Harlem of all places, so I go, "they went to the Village and did it! What nerve!" he then responds, and I QUOTE, "Well, if you want to go beat up some gay people, I guess that's where you should go, there are wall to wall HOMOS in the city". WTF IS UP WITH THIS GUY?! At this point, I want to curse him out or tell him to go fuck himself but instead, I just sit there because I'm angry, he's an idiot, and I don't want to make the problem any worse.

He then goes on to speak about how he didn't vote today because he didn't like Bloomberg as a candidate and he didn't like Ferrer's "attitude" he said, and I QUOTE, "he was speaking too much to "the" Puerto Ricans, we need a good Black candidate." Now, I'm really angry, I'm not at all against a Black candidate, but I'm not for one based purely on the fact that the nigger is Black either, ie. Larry Elder, Condaleeza Rice, Alan Keyes etc. So of course I tell him, "what's wrong with you? are you serious?" I then shut completely up, there isn't anyway I'm going to sit here and converse with this idiot. Goddess I HATE him now.

So, through nepotism, I have been offered a job. It is as Interim Acting Assistant Principal of Lower Grades (grades K -3) at a small elementary school on the other side of Brooklyn. Now, here are the good points:

#1 It's in Brooklyn, I would only have to take one bus there instead of 2 trains and a bus, this bus would let me out in front of the school, no more walking up hills and up six flights of steps

#2 It's more pay, woo hoo, like 15,000 more, that kicks ass

#3 It's great experience, I want to be a principal eventually (within the next 3 - 5 years) this would be WONDERFUL

#4 It's elementary, I LOVE elementary. Kids don't usually bring guns to school yet and I won't have to spend my days arguing with 6'5" 400 pound 17 year old boys on why it isn't correct to hit other student's in the head with desks

#5 It's in Brooklyn, I would only have to take one bus there instead of 2 trains and a bus, this bus would let me out in front of the school, no more walking up hills and up six flights of steps

Here are the bad points:

#1 I don't know if I'm ready to become as Assistant Principal. I have most of the needed credits but, I'll admit, I don't have all of my credentials (this has btw, never stopped anyone before) this happens a lot

#2 Because of #1, I will be Interim Acting AP, which means if they don't like me or feel I'm not doing a good enough job, I will be "let go"

#3 If that happens, I'll be unemployed, (again)

#4 Who am I to think I can be Assistant Principa?, I'm a little kid in that world, everyone will know I'm a kid, will they treat me that way?

#5 Without my 2 trains, bus, hill and 6 flights up steps, I might have to go to the gym (ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!)

I might accept the nomination, who knows. I have a week to decide and two weeks after that to find out whether or not I get it. Here's mud in my eye.