Ughh! Slammed my finger in the window tonight and it hurts like fuck! I am weak, I called M.E. and told him I want to see him, I'm choosing to tell myself it's a closure thing. I believe it's a closure thing, maybe I'll just call the whole thing off before it takes place.

Boy, I LOVE Fridays. Class lets out early, I don't have anything to do but sit around, I guess life is good. I've decided to go out into the world. I've been doing a lot of staying home lately because
#1 I was unemployed
#2 I didn't have much money
#3 I was "being respectful" to Mysterious Ex.
Now that I have a job I have decided to spend some of my tenant's rent money in order to make my life more fun. I think it might be the irresponsible thing to do but, hey, you only live once, right? I'm hoping and praying nothing will go wrong in this house though, even though I'm sure it won't because I do plan on enjoying myself for the rest of the summer. First, I think I'll do a little shopping. Nothing big or extreme, I just need to cheer myself up a bit. I have no class next week, so I think I might go away. My brother and I own a timeshre type subscription to this company that allows you to stay at a set number of hotels, resorts, villas, around the world, I think I might take a trip. I just need to do something different than I have been doing lately, I need to get out of the house and enjoy myself more. I actually ran into this guy today that I used to like when I was in college. I never dated him because I was seriously dating someone at the time. We exchanged numbers so we'll see. I'm not trying to jump into a relationship right away though. I know I had plenty of "me time" when I was with M.E. but still, I just need to detox myself. Going to THO's house, she making Mocha Lattes.

Mysterious Ex called and urged on by The Heavenly One, I spoke to him even though I knew I should not have. He told me he's known for some time that I was unhappy and that he too isn't happy because he can't make me happy. He went on to say that he loves me and cares for me and wants us to continue to see one another but things wouldn't really change much. He says and I quote, "there's always something, if it isn't work, it's my family". I, admittedly am not queen of the quick come backs and especiall when dealing with such deep emotional issues, need a bit of time to process and then respond to information. However I told him that the way things were was not good enough for me and that I cannot, as I told him the other day, continue with him. I told him, we have done this a few times, none of this information is new to you, you know how I feel. He asked if he could call me, I told him no and we hung up. I've cried a few times since I've spoken to him and the thing that sits in my mind most is if he loves me, if he cares for me, if I am important to him, why is it so difficult for him to change things and make me more of a priority in his life? People at his job have been quittin left and right since they are demanding so much of their workers but he stays. Not that I am saying he should quit his job but, I just don't understand. His family is such a priority, I don't understand that. It's as though he is the person in the family who must do everything but, he must like that. All of his brothers are married and have children but, does he not want that? If they are not so concerned with his uncles and aunts and cousins and etc., why is he? It's like if anyone in his family needs anything HE has to be the one do everything for everyone. Why am I so expendable to him?

Feeling lazy and crazy today. After class, which let out early today, I went to buy a dress which I fell in love with and decided I had to have. When I saw it Wednesday, it was 157.99, I of course didn't want to spend that much money, but I decided it was TOO cute to pass up. Went to buy it today, and got it for 67 dollars. How is this possible, I'm not sure, there was no sign saying the dress was on sale, that's just the way the sales girl rang it up, needless to say I high tailed it out of the store and won't be going back there for a few weeks. Sice it was under a hundred dollars, I didn't even have to pay tax for it. That kicks ass.

Gave Samson a bath like an hour ago and cut his hair ridiculously short. I have kept Sam's hair long ever since I got him and everyone always thinks he is a girl. Today I decided to de - bitch Sam and give him a rocker's edge. I used Billy Idol circa 198? as my inspiration.

Well, it is done. I do not feel as bad as I thought I would, I guess because it is still new and possibly because I have lots of stuff to keep me busy but, it is done and I guess I feel kind of good. I just couldn't continue to be a part of that whole thing with M.E. It was very unfair to me and not working for my benefit.

It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hot! It's rididculous. I being a fat girl am quite angry about all of the heat, I just can't take it. The cat is hot, Sam is hot, I am hot and thanks to all of NYC being hot, our electricity is doing this weird looks like there might be a black out twitchy thing which isn't very comforting to be witness to especially since my flashlights need batteries. Note to self: must buy batteries tomorrow.

This week's class is Diagnosing and Remediation of Literacy Problems. What joy! Lucky me, I have ANOTHER presentation and ANOTHER paper to write. Damn my ambitions.

I am so emotional and weird today. I am upset over the stupid Mysterious Ex thing. I haven't spoken to him as of yet though he did call a few times and left a few silly messages. I know that I need to get rid of him, I know that it is best for me, I even am ready to do it, I just feel as though it is going on too long. I wish it were done already.

Last week, there was this little kitten running around on my street. I tried a couple of times to catch him, I had intentions of giving him a good home, but I couldn't get him, he was very fast and probably very afraid. This morning when I was getting ready to leave, the kitten was in front of my house, dead. It looked as though someone ran him over and the poor little thing didn't have a face. It made me so sad, I was very upset over seeing him dead because, I tried to help him. I was going to raise him because I thought something would happen to him if he stayed on the street,and it did. To make things even worse, he was righ tin front of my house as though I know this is crazy, it was a reminder that I didn't catch and help him. Poor little kitten.

I have to type my presentation for tomorrow and study for my final.

Well, started school yesterday. It isn't very inconvenient to get to, I guess it's okay. We have to work in groups, like we are in kindergarten to create presentations that are due at the end of this week. Since I have been named a Master Teacher by New York State, I am allowed to take these accelerated courses that last only a week each, though they are about 6 hours a day. Mostly, my group and I sit and laugh at other people and complain about the tiny, tiny, too tiny for my big ass seats they have provided for us. This first course is Understanding Instruction of the Learning Disabled Student. It acctually is very interesting, I have learned all sorts of new things that I previously did not know. I have homework to do (uggh), I have to create an IEP: Individualized Education Program for a fictional emotionally disturbed, academically delayed student. The thing is, though I am technically a general education teacher, many of my students were behind so I have created one more than a few times already. I also have to give a presentation on the Orton-Gillingham methodology of literacy and have to create a sample lesson implementing the methodology as well as give tips and reasons why this mehtod is effective in teaching children with learning disabilities so in other words, I am having a fun filled, non stop excitement week. Yah, me. (Sarcasm alert if not already identified).

On another note, there is a VERY cute guy in my class and he is just my type. Unfortunately, I wear on my left hand a wedding and engagement type ring that I bought myself after my fiancee and I broke up as a symbol of self committment and I think that he thinks I am married. Either that or he doesn't like fat chicks. He's actually in my group and I get to work with him nearly all day, maybe I'll mention I'm not married to him.

On yet another note, Mysterious Ex called me last night but naturally I did not answer the phone and let the machine pick it up. He left me some sad sounding message about how he has been meaning to call me for the last few days but did not because all of his conferences were beginning to early or ending too late, BULLSHIT. When I came home this evening, he had left another message and said he would try to call again later but, I of course "won't be home". I don't have time to talk to him and bring up this entire thing, I have to stay positive so that I can complete this course pass hopefully with a great grade. I will deal with Mysterious Ex on the weekend when I am free to read my script and I won't have much else to do until Monday.

My classes are taking place downtown where all the good shoping is and where there are no less than 6 fat girl stores so yesterday of course, I went shopping during my lunch hour. I bought a pair of shoes, a skirt, a tank top and a pair of earrings. I did all of this in an attempt to continue with my fast and wound up spending like $150.00. Today, in an attempt to spend less money, I went to this very nice restaurant (alone, I've NEVER done that), which I have always loved and had a $30.00 dollar lunch. Sure, it was better than spending 150 dollars but, I can't continue eating 30 dollar lunches, especially when there is no one ther to foot my bill. Not sure what I will do tomorrow, maybe go shopping. Today's luch came with a lovely slice of chocolate moose (I'm sure that's not the spelling) cheesecake, which I ate half of at lunch and wolfed the other half down when I got home.

I was very mean to The Heavenly One today and I feel bad about it, I will have to go to her house and apologize. She has been babysitting Sam for me since I have been going to school so, on the way home, I stop by her house, pick him up then I come home, take a shower or lay down for a bit, take him for a walk and then he and I may or may not go to her house. Today, my brother came by and took The Heavenly One to BJ's (like a Costco or Sam's Club) since I was not going to be home, I gave her a short list of things that I wanted, she said she would get them. Well this evening I was hot, I gave my seat on the bus (ewww, the bus) to a pregnant woman and her baby (despite the fact that there was like four able bodied men on the bus) and had to stand up almost the entire ride home. Also, my ass hurt from squeezing myself into the tiny little seat for like 6 hours today, I was hot, tired and ready to get home. When I went to THO's house to pick up Sam, I remembered I did not have milk at home (I wanted milk to wolf down with the remaining half of my cake) so I went to steal some from my mom. When I was getting ready to leave, she pulled up with my brother, my two nieces and a SUV full of groceries. Dammit! I said to myself. I was not in the mood to cart groceries into her house, mind you, BJ's gives no bags so everything is loose and you literally have to pick up the item and bring it into the house. I DID NOT WANT TO! She gladly announced upon seeing me "MY NAME!, how lucky we are, bring in some groceries!" Mind you, my mom isn't picking up anything, she never does. I made like three trips with stuff in my hand and then I just said, I'M NOT PICKING UP ANY MORE STUFF! I then picked Sam up and came home. That was very mean, I know but, I was tired, I was hiking around the city on BUSES nonetheless, my ass and feet hurt, I was tired and all I wanted to do was lay across the bed naked, turn on the AC, eat my cake and guzzle my stolen milk, that was my plan, not hauling groceries. I didn't want to haul groceries. So, I have to apologize to my mom for my behavior. Well, off to do my homework, ewwwww.

Can't Sleep

I have to be up in less than 2 and a half hours but, I can't sleep. I had this weird dream were I was pregnant, it was obviously in the '50s, I and all of the women, there was my cousin T and some other woman, were wearing these huge I Love Lucy dresses (I guess I REALLY love my dress from last week). Anyway, I was pregnant and my husband was away on business, the dream played like an old sitcom, it was very weird. My cousin T, the girl and I were watching television, like it was this great thing to do, you know like they did back then when TV was sort of new, and we were eating what I could only assume were bon bons. This girl I think was my cousin's friend though whenever we talked to her, she never said anything back, she just stared at the television, stuffing bon bons into her mouth. I explained to them how I was going to redocorate and renovate my house and then suddenly it was present day, our clothes changed, and we were standing in my bedroom, though one of my walls was broken down to reveal a pair of steps that do not actually exist in my house. One of my cousins, who is actually a contractor was there and was telling me that to renovate the entire house, he would charge me 9,000 dollars but I would have to buy my own material. I ran to the phone to call my husband because I was excited and then instantaneously (sp?) we were in this old '50s style car. I was in the back seat and my cousin was in the front seat with this guy who was her boyfriend. He had a black t shirt and rolled cuff jeans and greased back hair with a Elvis type bouffant, think The Outsiders or John Travolta in Grease and I had a big hoop skirt, the kind with a poodle on it with saddle shoes and my hair in a ponytail with the handkerchief hanging around it, I was still pregnant. He was in a bad mood and I was giving him a hard time about it, telling him he should have stayed home and that he was no fun. All of a sudden, I guess I was irritating him, he started stabbing me. I ran out of the car, but no one would help me. I ran into a police officer but it being the '50s, he pushed me away and told me "go home nigger, did your husband stab you up?" I then woke up,kind of scared, kind of angry. Very weird dream.

I was talking to my friend K in Chicago about the Mysterious Ex thing. He is one of the two people that I have relationship talks with. He went through a really horrible break up about a year ago that he is still getting over so, he always has a good sympathetic ear, he never tells me what to do, he just listens and I love him for that. Seriously, if either of us didn't have moving to another big city issues, we would probably get married.

I wrote in my journal yesterday as I normally do and I read past entries as I am coming to the end of my book (something I tend to do from time to time). The majority of my entries are complaining about Mysterious Ex. Sure there are musings on everyday life, worries about joblessness and talk of hope and the future but, the main topic is Mysterious Ex and my unhappiness in our relationship. I continuously talk about how I am unhappy, how I want more, how I am angry at myself because I know that our relationship is not what I want or deserve. It's all right there. I write it here, I write it there, I tell K and T so, why am I not doing anything about it? I sat and I thought deeply about that. If I love myself, why do I eat so much shit? I compared it to being weak. When I told this diagnosis to K, he responded with "you are not weak, that is your personality, you're really sweet and you are positive, instead of rocking the boat and causing confusion, you eat shit, it isn't good or bad, it's who you are, the problem is finding someone who doesnt' take advantage if that and allows you to be yourself". Regardless of the true diagnosis, I think I am ready. I still haven't heard from Mysterious Ex, even though is only like 5 states away and he has a nation wide calling plan. This, to me is the proverbial cherry on the cake. By not calling me, I feel that he is telling me I am not important and not a priority to him. I guess he's been telling me that in other ways but, I am ready. I know that it will hurt, I know that I will be sad, I know that at first I'm going to regret it and cry but ultimately, I feel that it is best for me. This isn't how I want things to be but, I also don't want war, sensless dying and poverty but that stuff doesn't seem to be going any where. This, at least, is something I have control over. I know that it is going to be hard and that I will be accused of dismissing him, trying to sabotage our relationship and being selfish among a host of other things but, I am prepared. This may sound silly, but I am going to write out a script for myself. When I get very emotional, I sometimes forget to hit on points I want to make, I sometimes get wrapped up in the moment and forget the bigger picture, I sometimes get persuaded back into situations. I am trying to be strong, I am trying to be free, I am trying to be a Woman in the truest and most powerful sense. Goddess help me.

Didn't do much today. Went to the post office, to the bank and then to the grocery store. Sam and I took a walk to the park where he played until some big grey dog came so we high tailed it out of there though Sam, forever the masculine little guy he is, tried to battle the dog. We then went to the 99 cent store so I could get some Tide and Downy for five dollars instead of the ten I usually pay for it. Then since I forgot to get milk at the grocery store, we went to the bodega and got some. SOme man let me cut him in line and offered to buy my mile which I thought was pretty weird until I looked down and saw that the twins were making a pushed up and well supported lovely appearance which then made me think about how stupid this man was that he would lose his place in line and part with his money because he got to see the crack of my breasts, that's so stupid. Sam and I then came home where I talked to my friend, The Girl Who Has a Great Life and Doesn't Even Know It. She didn't have any outlandish stories to tell today so our conversation was rather pleasant. I then spoke to my friend K whom I love and who lives in Chicago and who if he were willing to move to NYC or I to Chi-Town, I would definitely marry. I then tried to take a nap on the couch but only achieved watchng The Station Agent which I've seen like 10 times before. We then went to The Heavenly One's house because she had cake over there and I have decided to stop baking (at least for a while, I bake and eat, bake and eat, it's no good).

I had to get some pampers for Sam. He is usually house broken but, he has reached sexual maturity and so he is going through this phase where he feels it's his duty to piss over everything. I washed everything in my house that is piss - on - able whether he peed on it or not and wrapped those pampers tightly around his waist.

Haven't heard from Mysterious Ex in like two days. Not exactly true, he spoke to me for like 2 minutes the day before yesterday. He's away for work but, We've never not spoked when he was away on business. I called him this morning and left him a message but, he did not get back to me. I am very unhappy with how things are going between us and though I know the simple thing would be to just end things, I have these horribly conflicting feelings. One day I'm gung ho on letting him go, the next day I'm thinking about how I should stick things out with him. I'm very confused and that in itself isn't something I am happy about.

I haven't been hungry lately though I have been eating almost constantly whether I am hungry or not. I hate my emotional eating (one of the reasons I have decided to give up my favorite pass time of baking) I eat just to eat, pretty sickening.

I received a call from three different men in the past week whom I used to date or thought about dating. One is a guy, who is actually about 22 years older than me, though he looks like he's in him mid thirties that I really dug. He and I liked each other a lot, but when he found out I was 23, (this was a few years ago of course), he kind of backed off. I started seeing someon else and so we just parted ways. He usually calls me like two or three times a year to see if I would like to get together but usually, I'm seeing someone or just getting over seeing someone. He told me he would love to get together with me and I told him I would let him know. I'll see if I call him.

The other guy is this man who own an auto body shop. He was always REALLY nice to me and though I tried to like him, I was never attaracted to him, there weren't ever any sparks between us. He liked me A LOT and I felt bad when I ended things between us because I really tried to like him, I wanted to. He suggested we go out this weekend and I told him I was seeing someone, his answer was, if you're ever not seeing someone, give me a call.

The third guy is this older, rich guy that I dated for about a month. I actually met him the day I bought Sam home more than two years ago. This guy is really nice, very sweet, wants a full blown relationship and his very wealthy. We stopped seeing each other because, I am 5'9" and LOVE to wear heels, he is about 5'6". Also, he weighs about 130 pounds and let's just say I weigh A LOT more than 130 pounds. Also, (I don't mean this in a racist way at all) he's a little white guy. He's a sweet heart, but I just could never get over people staring at me. Here I am a nearly 6 foot tall, fat, curvy (very curvy) black chick with wild curly hair dating this 5'6" skinny, white guy. I always felt uncomfortable with him not because he made me feel that way but because of the stares we would always get, it was just too much for me to take.

So, will I go out with any of these guys? I'm not sure. I'm going to take a shower an try to finish this book I've been reading for the last two weeks.

I was speaking with The Heavenly One and here is her take on the whole Mysterious Ex thing: She thinks that he and I should stay together, her reasoning being that he and I have been together thus far and we continue to work on our realtionship. She says that we as women grow up with this idea of what we think our partner, our man will be and many times, he may or may not be that person that we have in our minds idealized. She told me, Mysterious Ex is a good man. He loves you, you love him. Even though you feel he doesn't spend enough time with you, it is not because he is sitting on his behind or running the streets with other women. She tells me, when he is unable to see you, it is because he is working, or in the studio, which is working. He is trying to be able to provide a better life for himself and for you. She asked me to list the benefits of a marriage between Mysterious Ex and myself from my perspective. I told her, if we are to marry, I know that I would never want for anything. Financially, I know that I would be more than okay. I know that he would never hurt me, or mistreat me or be unkind to me. I know that he would not cheat on me, I know that I will live well, my children would be cared for and I know that I will be loved and feel loved. I know that our marriage, our household and our lives would be a partnership, I would be okay. My mom asked me if I were willing to trade that, if I were willing to throw that away for the unknown and I told her, I don't think so. She told me that if he and I are seriously discussing marriage and a life together that I cannot so easily decide I want out. She tells me, if the two of you have decided to try and make this work, then that is what you should do. She then tells me, do you think your father was EVERYTHING I wanted in a man? No. Of course he had some faults, of course there are things I would have loved for him to do more of or not do at all but, I love him, and he loved me and we had a great marriage, we had a wonderful partnership. If I had left your dad in search of something greater, would I have had the same life? No. Do I wish I had had a different life? Hell No. That is what love is, you accept the person, faults included. If Mysterious Ex's biggest problem is he works too much, you should be happy.

So, I don't know what to think because I know the reality of our situation and then I know how I feel. I know that when he is off doing all the things he has to do he makes me feel insignificant, as though I am what he thinks of only when he has time to think of me but, I know him and that train of thinking isn't him. I know that I mean more to him than almost anyone. I know that he loves me, I know that I am important to him and important in his life. But, even with all of that, I feel that there is an important part of our relationship missing. So, do I let him go and search for something that I think will be better or, do I stay with what I know and love and try to make that work? I mean, at this point in our relationship, the only thing that bothers me is I don't see enough of him. I feel that we don't spend enough time together, he has made significant positive changes in all other aspects of our relationship. I don't know if I am ready to let him go but, I don't know what is best for me.

The Heavenly One Needs a Man

I love my mom, I really do. I love my dad also. But, my mom needs a man. Or at least a butler of some sort. I visit my mom daily, why not? She's right up the block, she's fun 98% of the time and like I said, I love her. But, once my foot crosses the threshold of her floor, it's like I'm going to work. MY NAME do this, do that. She has a honey do list for me as soon as I get there, hence, my mom needs a man of some sort in that house. Yesterday, I dropped by to gossip about my weekend and just to hang out with her since I hadn't seen her for the weekend. "Oh", she says "I need you to do a couple of things for me." "Really", I answer "who would've guessed." "First, I want to know if you can mop my floor, my girl is off for the week." (First off, why is she calling a GROWN woman a girl? My mom sounds like those snobs in Connecticut I encountered this weekend. Second off couldn't she get a replacement?) As though that isn't enough, she also wanted me to cut her grass, make her bed, moisturize her hair (apparently her hair dresser is on vacation also) and clip her dog's nails. Uh mom, there's only 24 hours in the day, come on. So, she needs a man, I don't care if she dates him or not, she just needs someone in there to get some of this stuff done.

So, Mysterious Ex has reverted to his old self. He has not quite stopped speaking to me, I think he knows a little better than to do that but, yesterday he called while I was at THO's house and left me this sick, sad message. Usually, his messages are along the lines of "Hey baby, was just giving you a call, hope you and Sam are okay, maybe I'll try you on your cell, love you, bye". If I don't call him back within two or three hours, he may call me again with a similar message or try my cell, even though I rarely carry it. Yesterday's message was more along the lines of (as dead and un lively sounding as humanly possible) "Hey, it's me. I guess I'll call you later." Click. I came home late as THO and I were watching this old '50s movie called The Bad Seed which was pretty good. So, I didn't call him back and he did not call me. I am not normally an advice seeker but I will take it if someone offers it. My cousin T, who I find to be a very pulled together person says that I should just date other people. I am honestly thinking that I should. M.E. and I have talked and talked and talked. Even though we think we do, maybe we just have different ideas of what a good relationship is. The thing is, M.E. and I come from very similar familial backgrounds, (even though is family is WAY better off financially, and my mom and dad were no slouches). We are both the babies or our families even though he is like 7 years older than me. All of his brothers have wives and children and he says he wants the same. My family loves him and his loves me. We are bothe intelligent forward thinking people. Theoretically, we should be able to make this work.

As I am getting older, I want a more solid relationship. I want to be apart of something that is building up towards marriage and family. He claims that is what he wants but, I don't see it. I don't see him (despite his positive changes) moving towards what I want. Maybe I don't feel he's moving fast enough, I'm not sure which. He works this job that takes like 12 hours or so of his time daily. In addition to that, he is putting together a studio and he loves to make music. I am supportive of him but, it is having a negative affect on US. His job takes him away every so often for a week or two at a time. In addition to all of this, I mentioned that I might want to get my PhD over the weekend. He says, "I've been thinking about going back to school more and more lately". WHAT? NOW he wants to get his Masters, come on! I mean, if that is a decision he feels he wants to make then of course it's positive, I would be supportive but then I think, he's 33, not 23 or even in his twenties. When does he expect to do this? If he wants us to be together (which is the thought process he has), how does he expect us to survive his job, his studio, and his classes especially since we are not in a good place (at least in my eyes)? The classes that I am going to be taking are in the summer, during the day. Even the principal's program that I have entered has a regular teaching job schedule so my plans do not interfere with US. My doctor has given me a time frame of the next 4 - 5 years to become pregnant, and that is something that I want to and am going to do with or without him. None of his plans fit into mine. It is as though we are living these very independent existences and then just mesh our (or rather for the time being his) schedule into some kind of coordinating fashion. Maybe we are not together on our scope for the future, who knows. And that, to me, is one of the most important things right now. My career is figured out. With this new job I am taking and entering the principal's program, my financial and career life is figured out. I have accomplished what I set out to do. Between my salary, the houses and land and stocks my dad has left me, I can luckily say that I am independent, able to provide for myself or any children I decide to have. I won't have to depend on anyone financially. Now, I would like to concentrate on my personal life. I would like to find a partner and start a family. I mean, if it's something I'll have to do on my own, I am willing to take on that responsibility, but, I would prefer to be with a partner, I would prefer to be someone's wife AND mother.

Last night I had the weirdest dream where my dad, an old family friend and an aunt were present. The thing is, all of these people are dead. It was actually a pleasant if not slightly confusing dream where loads of people from my family, both my mom and dad's side were present. Our house was huge, way huger (if that's a word) than it really is and there were palm trees growing along the side walks even though there was snow on the streets. I had a little sister (which I don't) who stuck to me and she and I were wandering around the house looking for someone who had forged my signature on a job application. We finally found these people, who actually turned out to be my cousin T and her sister and brother and then I proceeded to slap all of them while they laughed at me. I then tried to get back to my bedroom with this little sister of mine in tow and we came to this glass room that had dead people in caskets (these people I could only assume were family members) when I asked my little sister about them, she said they had alsways been there and that I was acting silly. Since the house was so big, we had to walk a long distance to get back to my room and we kept passing these rooms full of family members having these individual parties even though it seemed as though they were all there for some big party. I recognized a lot of people in the rooms and some people were like made up people even though in the dream I knew I was related to them. It was very strange and so realistic. When I woke up, I was really like wow. I dont' like having such weird dreams.

I guess things went well enough

I cannot nomplain to much about this weekend. That sounds VERY negative, let me focus on the positive first.

Mysterious Ex and I didn't argue, well we had one tiny "disagreement" when we got back so I'm not sure if that counts or not. Mysterious Ex, Sam and I stayed at his family's summer home and he finally convinced me to go for a ride on HIS boat (did not know the boat was M.E.'s until this weekend, he always referred to it as "THE" boat), by the way, boating is very scary, I probably won't do that again, though Sam LOVED it. We spent a lot of time together doing nothing, which was cool. Basically, other than the boating and going to the beach and out to dinner, we sat around in our undies reading, listening to music, talking, laughing and dancing oh, and scaring people (more on that later). It was nice to just hang together, I really LIKE M.E. other than the love thing, he really is a great person, he's so funny and smart and sweet, I thoroughly enjoy being with him and he and Sam, as always get along wonderfully.

M.E. is going away for work on Wednesday, when we came back last night, I asked him, "Am I going to see you before you go?" he anwsered, "Do you want to see me?" I was a little taken a back because I expected his answer to be "of course". I guess he felt our spending the weekend together was enough. I told him, "Don't over extend yourself. If you feel that you've seen enough of me then by all means, don't make an effort to see me, it isn't that big of a deal, forget it". I then told him that I don't see him enough, I told him that he thinks things are great between us because we have a successful weekend but successful weekends do not a relationship make. He sighed in the "oh here we go again" fashion and so I just looked at him. He asked me (and I think he was being serious) "you don't think we see each other enough?" without hesitation I answered "NO!" He then asked (this is one of his favorite questions and personally, I abhore when he says this) "Is that the truth?" I just looked at him, "are you SERIOUS!?" I asked him. When it really comes down to it, we only see each other a few times a month, sure we're on the phone ALL OF THE TIME, but again, a PHONE relationship does not a REAL relationship make." I then added (and this is was got him) "You're very busy with your life and your job and your studio, I tell you all of the time and you never seem to realize that you are too busy for US. If you feel that you don't have time, just tell me because it isn't normal, and this entire thing is nor fair to me. I'm committed to you for WHAT?" He then shut down (as is M.E.'s fashion) he stod there for a long time not saying anything then he said "I'm going to go, there is a lot of traffic going out to the island and I don't want to be stuck in it for longer than I have to" I said, "okay". When we got to the door, he asked me "so, can I call you later?" I asked him, "why are you asking me? Of course you can, that isn't what I was getting at" We kissed and he left. I told him to call me when he got home so that I would know he got there safely but, he didn't call. I called him later and he said he wasn't in the talking mood, as is old M.E. fashion. The thing is, if I don't tell him what's bothering me, he makes a huge issue out of it, he tells me I'm not opening up to him, I'm not letting him in, I'm keeping things from him but, if I tell him the thing that is bothering me is us, he gets upset and does this whole "don't feel like talking" or in the past, just stop talking to me thing. He is so weird at times and this isn't something that I feel I can or should have to deal with. When you love someone I know that it includes all of their fucked upedness but, when it is NOT okay to deal with their shit?

My cousin T suggested that I should just start dating other people. She feels that I have exhausted my efforts on M.E. I too feel that way often but, I love him, as sick and sad and ridiculous as that sounds. I don't know why I feel it is my job to stick by him and see this thing out. We have no formal commitment to one another, he doesn't even feel that there is anything wrong with the amount of time we spend together. I feel that in itself says a lot.

Being the anal chick that I can sometimes be, I just added up that I have seen M.E. 12 times since April 8. That is 90 days. In 90 days I have seen him 12 times.


About the scaring people thing. I don't want to be racist but, higher income white people are so stupid. They think that because your skin tone is darker, there can be no possible way that you can live the way they do. On the beach this weekend, there was a group of small rowdy white children, a woman walked over TO ME, mind you there were LOTS of people on this beach and actually asked me "what family are you with?" As in, who's nanny are you? I looked at her and asked (in my perfect standard American english) "what ever are you speaking about?" Mind you, I was on the beach, NO WHERE NEAR these children, with my little expensive dog (who was wearing a tank top and had a playpen, just to give you a glimpse of the snooty factor I was living up to). I had a huge SINGLE beach towel, a small bag containing sun block, water, fruit and the book I was reading (John Irving's Hotel New Hampshire), I was attired in a lovely suit, great straw beach hat and dashing (expensive) shades, a nanny, I was not dressed as. She then repeated herself in a louder voice, (I was of course a lowly dumb nigger in her eyes) "What family are you with? There is a group of children over there misbehaving" (she pointed in the direction of the children because of course, my inferior nigger eyes couldn't see the children kickng balls and sand in the midst of the crowd). I kindly let her know I was not a nanny and that I found her assumption of my career to be insensitive and racist. I let her know that I, like she, was enjoying my weekend away from the city and then suggested she find a nanny and/or a parent post haste. I then added that instead of wasting her time bothering visitors like myself, maybe she should move her set up away from the unruly children. I then kindly smiled at her, and went back to reading my book. (M.E. doesn't like the beach past the boardwalk and I tell you, she was LUCKY because he would not have spoken to her so kindly). The funny thing is later that day, we were boating and I saw her with who I presumed was her spouse on a boat WAY smaller and older than M.E.'s. I waved at her and asked her how whe was enjoying her vacation at which she just literally, stared, mouth wide open.

The next day, we went to dinner (this restaurant is of the $150 + per person variety, not including drinks or dessert). The owners and workers were very nice because of course we are spending so much money. They sat us at a wonderful table and M.E. and I (showing my conceit) looked fabulous. I was wearing this black and white print off the shoulder 50's style dress (think Lucille Ball in I Love Lucy). This dress had a pink belt around the waist and a small pink flower at the clavicle. I wore a pair of pink Jimmy Choo - like shoes (I WILL NOT pay 500 dollars for a pair of shoes, that's just stupid) and wore my pink Lous Vuitton Murakami Papillon (thanks mom!). M.E. wore a dark gray suit and perfectly coordinated to me light pink shirt and tie and he had on these great cuff links I bought him for Christmas. Read, we didn't look thuggish, or unruly, or poor, actually, we were one of the best dressed couples at the restaurant. Upon being seated, this woman and her husband/boyfriend turned and stared right at us like "oh god, they're here too?" M.E. being the funny and suave kind of guy he is goes "hey, how's it going?" They just looked at him and us like we had four heads and continued eating their meal. Then, the woman to the other side of us MOVED HER POCKETBOOK! from the edge of the table where it was to the other side of the table! It was the funniest thing in the world! Had we been in a McDonalds or Burger King instead of that place, I probably would have cursed her out. But instead, I settled for a hushed but loud enough for her to hear us tones, "Is she serious? First off, I'm not snatching and running in four inch heels, second of all what is that bag, plastic, she's got to be kidding, it cost about as much as my undies did." M.E. then asked if we could be moved because of the "low rent element" (he actually used those words which I found fantastically funny) and we had a wonderful meal including for me, a half a bottle of something very close to strawberry champagne (can't pronounce it, something like gerwischwitzer or something) and a wonderful chocolate strawberry cake) Mmmm, chocolate cake.

church on vacation

writing from cell phone forgive punctuation - lack of- here we are in connecticut on a mini vacation of sorts and mysterious ex has to go to church cut it out please i had a cousin who did that no matter where we were she had to go to kingdom hall once we went to boston for the weekend this is when we were in college she had to call around looking for a kingdom hall to attend goddess forbid he doesn't go to church does he think the world will end i dont know what im getting into

Hope it All Goes Well

We are supposed to be going away this weekend. Samson's bag is packed, mine is not. Samson's outfit for tomorrow is picked it, mine is not. Samson is bathed, his hair is combed, his bows are straightened out and my things are all over the place, not even resembling any kind of order. So, we are off to Connecticut for the weekend. Hopefully, things will go well between Mysterious Ex and I. Hopefully things will go well between my bathing suits and I (god, that's an understatement). So, a weekend of beach, sun, fun and boating will hopefully make things between us go well. I guess we'll have to see.

I take two steps forward, he takes two steps back

Since I am home for the time being and don't really have much to do, I have decided to start a scrapbook for Sam. After seeing all of the beautiful scrapbooks people have made, I went out and spent like a hundred dollars on ribbons and letters and paper and glue and all this stuff in order to beautify my book. It's kind of nuts now though because I MUST have more. Everything I see, I want to buy, "Ooooo, I need that" "Oooo, that's cute", "Ooooo, that will look cute in Sam's book". I am a bonafide nut. I have banned myself from eBay beacuse as mentioned, I am crazy and will spend all of my money there.

I can never seem to win with Mysterious Ex. The week before last, I was going to wait until after the wedding to break up with him but last weekend, we had this huge talk and I thought the need for that had been thwarted. Now, some other stuff has come up. There is ALWAYS something with him, and I am back to where I began. Why does it have to be this constant up and down? Why does there always have to be this unknowing? I've already decided this isn't what I wanted, I thought things were sure to get better (yet again) but, we're right back. He's doing some fasting, not talking to me thing which he told me would be over tonight but, I still have not heard from him. I will not call him, I will not make that move, I am tired of having that responsibility. The funny thing is, I really don't think that he understands the damage things like this does to us. It isn't as though we have this strong relationship and everything between us is fine. Our thing is rocky at best. I am one misunderstanding away from dropping us, I don't see how he can't know this. Whenever I think that things are okay and I can sit back and enjoy "us", something arises. Something that upsets our relationship, sets us back a few milestones or causes us to breakup. I know that he thinks that I am dismissive of him, he thinks that I am always ready to break up with him and call it quits but it is true, I won't lie. It isn't that I don't want to work at having a good relationship, but it is all too much. When you are CONSTANTLY fighting and trying to get things to work, is it even worth it? Whenever I think we are moving forward, her we go, back again. I am tired of being in the same place.

Blah Blah today

Today was so hot. The Heavenly One and I went out to take our dogs to the groomer and do a bit of shopping, but not shopping shopping. I bought lotion, face cream, contact fluid, a new journal, toothpaste, tampons and some pens. She got some glasses cleanser (water and tissue are not good enough for The Heavenly One) some fade cream (for the scars left by her operation) and pens, (she had to have some when I bought them and scoffed at the idea of sharing even though mine had like 10 in a pack), my mom's weird at times. After our non shopping shopping trip, we went to Burger King of all places (even though I am supposed to be fasting, I did have a whopper, fries and a sprite, it was good too) and then we went to pick up the dogs (Samson, my baby, and Delilah, my mom's baby) from the groomer. We then came back to her house and complained about the heat as we discussed Mysterious Ex's new found weirdness. Sam and I came home, but I got bored so we went back to THO's house and we just came back about a half hour ago. Samson just finished eating dinner, he's really into this Thanksgiving Day Dinner by Nerrick and I am sitting here shooting the shit.

Though I probably should, I am not in the mood to have a talk with M.E. I'm tired, we spoke last week, I'm just not in the mood. I know that this fasting thing is bothering me though so I will probably bring it up. This weekend being July 4th weekend, we are supposed to do something. We decided last week we were going to go to Connecticut so, I hope things go as well as our last trip.

I start my classes the Monday after next and I AM NOT looking forward to them. I know that in the long run it will be beneficial to my career and my life and all that jazz but, who wants to go to school during the summer? I don't even teach summer school because I don't want to be in school. I don't know how I'm going to get through that but ah well. Nothing much is going on today.

BLATANTLY STEALING FROM GWEN (sorry, love you girl)

I've had the names of my unborn children picked out for sometime. I am assuming that I am going to have two girls and a boy in girl, girl boy order. If there is any deviation from the vision developed in my warped mind, I'm screwed.

BTW Sam, who is kind of like my first baby is named
Samson Louis Bartholomew (don't ask about the Bartholomew, I thought it was nice at the time). When he does something bad, I call him Samson Louis (stereotypical mom stuff)

My first daughter's name will be: Miranda Michelle Iana Phoolan

Miranda Michelle will be her first name, (I love the way it sounds) and I will call her Randa for short. Iana is a variation of M.E.'s name and it means God is gracious. Phoolan Devi is the name of a female Indian revolutionary who really kicked some ass.

My second daughter's name will be: Hellen Olivia Nzingha
or: Olivia Queen Anne Nzingha or Anastasia Olivia Aksana

Hellen is my mother's name which I've come to like in my old age. Olivia is a name that I adore but, depending on how my daughter looks, I don't know if I'm going to go with Olivia for the first name or not. Queen is an old family name. After slavery, a lot of black people started naming their sons and daughters King and Queen as a sign of power and strength. Anne Nzingha was an African woman who was pronounced KING (not queen) because basically, she kicked ass. Really, it's a longer story than I feel like recounting. Anastasia is a name I've loved for a long time and Aksana is just a variation of Oksana (that drunkard skater though I don't want my child to be a drunkard, I just like her name).

My son's name is kind of up in the air. If I have children with Mysterious Ex, I might have a junior because I LOVE M.E.'s name. It's very nice and sounds regal. However, other names that I like for a boy are:

Malcolm Alexander - I just like the way it sounds
Marcus
Aleksander
Owen (heh, I like it but sounds a little wimpy but, sounds really good with M.E.'s last name)

oooo babies, scary

GoddessNoir the Jezebel

Mysterious Ex did or rather said the strangest thing today. Since we have gotten back together, he has been trying or rather actually has been diferent and better than he used to be. He has decided to go to church more and get closer to God as a means to better deal with "us" and though I am not traditionally religious, I respect his decision and the way he is dealing with our relationship. Since he has gotten back his truck things between us have been smoother and even before getting his truck back, he has been nicer, calmer and more expressive with me. But today, he threw me a ball I was totally not expecting.

First off, I have to set a back story so that it is beter understood. M.E.'s problems with me are that according to him, I am very dismissive of him (if I get upset about something I am ready to call it quits), I am not affectionate enough (he likes to hold hands and kiss in public, things that I often feel weird about) and that I don't always allow him to be free with my body, if you catch my drift. Saturday at the wedding, he was holding my hand while we were in church and I, feeling weird, let it go, he didn't say anything, but he just looked at me and made this kind of mmmm sound. Later when we were driving to the reception, he reached over and rested his hand under my dress, on my thigh and I quickly moved his hand. Again, he didn't say anything, but he cut me this look like, "see". While we were at the reception, he rubbed my thigh and I moved his hand, he gave me one of those looks and while we were crossing the street, he reached for my hand, I took his then let it go. I just feel childish holding someone's hand, like I'm in kindergarten again. When we got home Saturday night, I let him do things that he's wanted to do for a while. Mind you, I am not frigid, just self conscious. So, he was reveling in how I let him do this and that and how he was happy with that. Not to get too graphic but, he spoke dirty to me and encouraged me to do the same. He seemed very pleased with the results. Fine.

Today, he calls me and tells me that I won't hear from him until Wednesday night. Before I could ask why, he explained to me that he was going to do a spritual fast and abstaining from certain things. Okay, I said. Why are you doing this I asked, (when I fasted, it was a huge deal, actually I'm fasting again but that's a different story) he told me, and this is the part I have trouble with, he told me he was fasting because his church was fasting, the pastor said they should and he was, I'M QUOTING HIM "trying to be obedient". My goodness I thought. To me, it is one thing if one is fasting because it is apart of one's culture or religion or because someone just wants to fast for personal, spiritual reasons or for whatever reasons ONE decides. But, to fast because someone told you to? That to me is just strange. Then I had to really think. I find Mysterious Ex to be a really smart guy, I mean REALLY smart but this, to me, seems stupid. Is he really this gullible? What else will he do because someone tells him? Maybe I'm being harsh. He then went on to tell me that we weren't going to speak because I might lead him to think, I'M QUOTING HIM "unpure thoughts". I responded to him "what!?" "What are you saying?" I asked him, "Do you think SEX in unpure? Do you think love is unpure? What does that say about me? If this is how you feel, then you shouldn't be having sex with me AT ALL". He told me we would speak about it on Wednesday, I answered fine. We said good night and hung up.

It lead me to think all kinds of things. Like people who send all of their money to televangelists because they are told to, or people who drink cyanide laced kool aid because they are told to. I do have to say honestly that it has given me a huge thing to think about. The fact that he isn't going to speak to me for fear of having "unpure thoughts" as though our love or appreciation for one another physical or otherwise is wrong in some way.

The biggest thing that bothers me though is the fact that he seems to be doing this because he was told to. And that "being obedient" comment, that was really a kicker. I am not sure how to handle this one. I guess I will wait a day and see.

Almost Everything Went Off Without a Hitch

Yesterday was 96 degrees, with a heat index that made it feel as though it was 105 degrees. And there, on the sidewalk of the church stood roughly, 400 people, half of the actual guests in attendance, awaiting the bride. There they waited, and waited, and waited and waited. They waited for nearly three hours, I say nearly because had they waited 6 minutes more, it would have been three hours. I however only waited 35 minutes or so. I know the bride personally and knew that this would happen. Mysterious Ex, The Heavenly One and I planned our travel time to arrive at about 30 minutes before what time we thought the wedding would begin which in actuality was about 2 and a half hours AFTER the wedding was SUPPOSED to start. So, ALMOST everything went off without a hitch with the exception of a few things.

#1 One of my first cousins, who is about 20 years my senior who has disgustingly flirted with me at past family events announced he wanted to, using HIS words not mine, "fuck me". My first cousin, who I have known since I was born. Who is 20 years older than me. Who knew me when I was a little girl. Who KNOWS he is my first cousin. Other than trembling in disgust and horror, I don't have a comment on that one.

#2 One of my cousins (as I predicted), told people that I thought I was, in her words "too good for her" because I didn't hug her for more than ten seconds. Note the 105 degree heat index as stated above, added to the fact that I am admittedly a fat chick, added to the fact that she is too indeed a fat chick, added to the fact that (Goddess forgive me) she smelled as though she hadn't bathed in a day or two. Or, here is another formula:

Fat Girl (cousin, not me) (and not run of the mill chubby or plump but stomach hanging nearly to knee caps despite never being pregnant fat) + 105 degree heat index + standing in hot sun waiting nearly three hours for bride + tafetta (or some other unholy material she was wearing) + you bathed at like 6 in the morning before driving three hours to NYC in said 105 degree heat + the fact that I don't really know you and haven't seen you in like 8 years + I don't want to get your smell, scent and funk all over me = I don't want to hug you whore, now leave me the fuck alone and give me my (as Gwen likes to put it) hula hoop of personal space.

#3 Mysterious Ex was asked to cart some relatives from the church to the reception, since he has a big three rows of seats SUV/truck type of vehicle, he obliged which makes him very nice in my book. Said relatives were from the sect of my family no one likes to mention, they are mostly under educated, under or unemployed (and not because they were going through a career change or slump or this is a good enough job for now type thing), they mostly comprise of the stereotypical jive talking black folks that are thrown up on movie and T.V. screens. My brother, carrying his wife, two daughters and The Heavenly One (who decided she would bless both of us, my brother and I, with her presence by "allowing" M.E. and me to take her to the wedding and then "allowing" my brother to take her to the reception) had an entire row of seats to spare and M.E. and I, traveling together, unfortunately had two rows equaling 6 seats to give away. After the service, my brother and Mysterious Ex who both drive these massive SUVs were LITERALLY nearly run down with requests for being driven to the reception hall by this sect of my family. This is basically how it went:

Embarassing Family Member: (Spoken loudly and in the worst english possible) Yo, yo, MY NAME how you gettin' to the reception?

Me: Um, my boyfriend is going to drive me, well us.

Embarassing Family Member: What he be drivin'?

Me: Excuse me?

Embarassing Family Member: What he drivin'?

Me: You mean what type of CAR is he driving?

Embarassing Family Member: Yeah

Me: Um, he has a Land Cruiser, why?

Embarassing Family Member: He co' (could) take us?

Me: Well, who is "us"?

Embarassing Family Member: (Names replaced) This one, That one, and them, oh, and Her and Him

Me: Um, Let me ask.

Embarassing Family Member: Oh, you gotta be asking yo' man and shit?

Me: Well, it is HIS car, I'll let you know.



They decided they HAD to have beer before they went to the reception, even though the reception was like a mile away (there was beer and liquor being served at the reception) from the church and we left DIRECTLY after the service, (read: there was like 15 minute travel time including getting in the car, driving to the hall and finding parking, etc.) Before they all piled into the car, I let M.E. know about their propensity to make things disappear so he ever so discreetly threw small items into the back hutch like portion of the truck. Even though the ride only lasted a few minutes, it was one of the longest periods of my life. Mysterious Ex and I threw one another sideways glances as we listened to them slay the english language like a knight sent to rid the kingdom of the awful fire breathing dragon. Strangely, I think we grew closer as we listened to them declare how they would "knock a N---er out if he look at me wrong" and how they were ready to "get hiiiiiiiigh" (emphasis is their's not mine) we then listened to how either of us, (M.E. or I) would "get jacked if we came through their 'hood" because we were, AND I QUOTE, "sof', high class niggers, who be talkin' white and shit". I CANNOT POSSIBLY MAKE THIS STUFF UP. Their conversation then turned to how my parents have always been "stuck up", "thinkin' they white", and how they "be turnin' their nose up at us" and how consequently my brother and sister and I were the same. Mind you, I was in the car, in MY BOYFRIEND'S car who was giving them a ride. I would have loved for this lovely portion of the evening to have never ended but alas, we had arrived at our destinantion.

#4 At the reception, people were sitting at our table and they REFUSED to get up even though we were assigned to tables. We (me, my brother, his wife and two girls, Mysterious Ex, my wonderful cousin T her husband, her sister and her boyfriend) were Table 4, they were sitting at Table 4 but told us their table "was too far away from the action". These people were foreign to us so we assumed they were from the groom's sect of the family no one wants to acknowledge. So we sat at their table, which in the long run was better because THE CATERER (another cousin) screwed up the place setting and mixed up the table numbers.

#5 During the reception EVERY aunt, uncle and family member who is married and therefore feel it is their birth right to ask about my questionable marital status, came by to look Mysterious Ex over. While there, they asked me where my babies were, when was I expecting the babies, would the babies be coming soon, if I thought I would be having babies, why was it taking so long for me to get the babies, commenting on how I had a big enough house to put the babies in, how my dog was not a baby substitute, encouraging me to move quickly before my plubmbing ran dry. They then encouraged M.E. to let the wedding get him in the mood to pop the question so that I could start trying to have the babies (hopefully being successful) as though (and this is the feminist part of me) when it truly comes down to it, he has ANYTHING to do with whether I decide to have children, whether I ACTUALLY have children or even if he will be doing the impregnating, I was always under the impression those choices were mine but, I guess I was wrong. Then my pregnant cousins came over and though I am happy for them, (I really am) god did they get on my nerves,

Pregnant Cousin #1: When is it going to be your turn MY NAME?

Pregnant Cousin #2: You're not getting any younger girl.

Pregnant Cousin #1: (Speaking loudly and looking Mysterious Ex directly in the eye) When are you going to get married and start popping out some babies MY NAME. (Popping out babies? that sounds like fun.)


Pregnant Cousin #2: It's time to stop playing around girl.

(Mind you, both these women got married in their early thirties, and now that they are pregnant, they're doing the same shit that was done to them and they hated? Give me a fucking break.)

When I mentioned to Pregnant Cousin #2 that I was not "playing around" and that not only was I trying to lay down the foundations for a great relationship, but that I was embarking on a fulfilling career by becoming a principal and starting my own school, her response was , AND I QUOTE:

"That's all well and good, but money and jobs don't make babies, husbands do."

Uh, Thanks for the sex ed lesson of the day, I would have NEVER figured that out on my own.

Other than that, the day was pretty good. When the wedding DID finally start, it was really beautiful, it was fun talking to the people who weren't behaving ignorantly or asking about my marital status and/or fertility. Afterwards, M.E. and I had a great time. We drove around, which I love to do. We drove into Williamsburg (a newly gentrified and trendy section of Brooklyn) we were going to go to a seafood restaurant but the wait was like 2 hours or more so we left. We went to a street fair/flea market (at 10 at night, god I still LOVE NY sometimes) but didn't really find anything worth buying. We then drove into Queens (a less gentrified and trendy part of NY) so of course everything was closed. So, we drove back into Brooklyn and ended up buying White Castle of all things and ate semi naked (as not to ruin our dress up clothes) on my couch. We then took a shower and had some of the greatest sex we have ever had (really, it was that good). We then feel asleep and he left early this morning to go boating with his dad and brothers (I AM NOT a boating kind of chick). So far today, I have been to see The Heavenly One, we had brunch and discussed yesterday's event, walked Sam, stood in my yard and thought about cutting the grass (which I didn't do) read the papers (both The Times and The News) and ate wedding cake, a pretty good day thus far.

Just wanted to see if the picture thing works

This is Samson, my baby. And those are my rustic wood floors in my studio.

Why Are People I Know So Crazy? (and does this mean that I too am crazy?)

My day has been quite busy thus far though, I haven't really done ANYTHING. I was supposed to clean my house, wash my couch cover and sheets, clean my downstairs living and dining rooms which since because I NEVER use them, are very dusty. I was supposed to then wash my hair, give myself a facial, exfoliate my skin and sew a shrug out of this big satin shirt I have (because I have gotten very fat and my arms are all jiggly, the dress I am wearing tomorrow to the wedding is a "tube" dress, not really a tube top style, but there are no shoulders, no straps so that's the best way to explain it) but I have done nothing. Why? Because I have been on the phone ALL DAY!

First, my cousin T called but I love her and she's wonderful so I really don't have anything to say about her other than I love her and she's my greatest, bestest friend.

Then, G called and got on my nerves, the funny thing is, I didn't realize it was her who was calling, (I didn't check the caller ID) but became so intrigued by what she had to say that I had to stay on the phone. Apparently her mother, HER MOM, is having an operation and asked if she could come to NYC (G used to live in NYC until about February when she and her fiance moved to Baltimore) to help her out for about a week. Mind you, G is not working right now so instead of saying SURE! like any decent daughter/son/friend would, she said no, BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT! Could you imagine?! But, she is coming to NY the following week to finalize plans on her wedding. HER MOTHER! Not the next door neighbor, not her aunt that she doesn't know and hasn't seen since she was 2, but her MOTHER, the woman who gave birth to her and raised her. I can't get over that.

Then a friend of mine called, I will call her The Girl Who Has a Really Great Life and Doesn't Even Know It. This girl is living some kind of life, she has a great job, great husband, UNBELIEVABLE house in a GREAT neighborhood (her house must be worth AT LEAST 4 million dollars) and 2 wonderful children but for some reason, this is not good enough for her, she wants more so she randomly screws people. I mean like meet them today fuck them tomorrow type shit. I really don't approve of what she does but, she's a great person, I really like her. So she's telling me this story about how she is screwing this man in her car, the car that her husband bought her outright, no loan, no payments just "here honey, here's your new car" the same car that she carts her children around in, while her husband is at home watching the children because she has to "work late" and in the middle of this story I literally tell her,

Me: "Just stop!, WTF are you doing? Do you even realize what you're saying? You're fucking some man in the car your husband bought you the car you take _______ and _______ to school in and what do you want me to say? Do you want me to laugh, do you want me to add something to your story or make some kind of comment? Why are you doing this? What do you get out of this? I don't want to hear this, you need to take a look at what's going on with you and decide whether you want to stay in your relationship or not because this is fucking ridiculous, you're being disgusting".


The Girl Who Has a Really Great Life and Doesn't Even Know It then tells me "Don't judge me, I need you to listen as a friend."

Me: "A fucking friend? You need a goddamned psychiatrist, why do you think this is right? Why do you think I am supposed to just sit here and listen to this?" (Her story was very graphic and though I won't give all of the details, it included the words: dripping, knees, ass, bent, carseat and dick. Mind you, the words: condom and safe didn't come up once, hene the dripping)

She then went on to discuss some argument she and the extramarital man had and she tried to compare my situation with Mysterious Ex to her situation with the extra man. That really made me upset. As f'ed up as Mysterious Ex and I are, I am not married to him or any other man and he is not married to me or any other woman. Neither one of us is betraying someone when we are having spats and none of our screwing (WHEN we are screwing) is taking place in some car. (Also, the car was parked in some parking lot, god, that's gross!) I think I'm going to go back to incubating myself at least from some people because I just can't take this. These people are crazy, and while I probably am too, somehow my craziness seems more contained than theirs, I don't know.

Eaten So Far Today
Breakfast: Oatmeal, Apple Juice (going back to fast on Sunday lost 9 pounds then gained 2 back)

Hours on Phone: over 5

Exercise: none, other than my mouth

Bought: dog food for Sam, and Scrapbooking supplies (going to start a Sam scrapbook since I don't have a kid)

Resumes: None, got called in for a sample lesson next week and an interview for a "FREE" school closer to home (when I find out what a "FREE" school is, I'll elaborate)