Before 8 this morning,

My phone is ringing. Last night around 9:30, work people were calling me. What is this?  Is it really this serious?  When exactly am I not supposed to work?  When exactly am I supposed to just be?

This morning, I dropped Bubby off at school and because she saw two other children crying and falling out on the floor, she decided she should do so too. So, here I am, with a three year old dangling from my thigh, screaming and carrying on, mind you she never does this. But today, let's fall out on the floor and act the fool, yah!

My stomach hurts this morning.  I'm not sure why, but it does. My head hurts and I feel kinda icky.

So,

Today, on top of all the crazy stuff I have to do for work, in life, etc. my kid is bugging out. She's screaming, she's yelling, she crying and snot is sliding out of her nose. My head hurts. Why is she doing this? I'm not sure. First she says her elbow hurts but literally two seconds later she's chasing the cat around the house screaming and yelling at him. Then she decides she wants to eat cake but not eat food. She screamed, yelled, hollered, and carried on for close to twenty minutes yelling at the top of her lungs and causing me a horrible headache. I've locked myself in the bathroom to distance myself from the noise. To try and have some kind of quiet. I'm not sure what all of this is. I'm not sure if she's tired or upset or what. It's highly unorthodox for her to behave this way and I'm really not sure what is going on but I know I'm tired.  My head hurts. I was looking forward to a nice relaxing, quiet night at home.

Days like this, I seriously question why I even became a mother. This is what I thought I wanted. I so badly had to have this.  I miss my old life.

I'm EXHAUSTED!

Before I get into work, my phone starts. It's ringing, buzzing, being texted and emailed. This one is gonna be late, that one is early. A parent showed up, a parent didn't show up, someone forgot to do this, that or the other. I'm trying to get dressed, I'm trying to get the kid dressed, we're trying to get out the house. I'm trying to have a moment with my baby, the phone is ringing. It's buzzing, it's making noises I've never heard before. I drop Bubby off to school. I head to work. My phone is going off, it's doing stuff, why don't they leave me alone?

As soon as I walk int my office, I'm inundated with people, I have meetings, someone needs to be hired, someone needs to be fired. Someone didn't show up.  This lasts for about ten ours straight.

I head home. The SECOND I step in the door, "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy" but, she hasn't seen me for 9 hours. I can't be mad.  I entertain, I laugh I listen, I'm tired.  We eat, cleanup, play, watch a kids show, I wash her up, get her to bed. I clean up again, get her clothes ready, get mine ready, sit down then, my phone starts again. Recaps of days, friends calling to vent, pregnant women calling to ask questions, my mama calling to see if I can open a bottle of water for her. I'm exhausted.

It's been a long time

I need to write.

Life is somewhat hectic. My career is going very well ie., I'm crazy busy. I'm single mommy to a soon to be four year old who never seems to stop talking. My mom is not well, and somewhat dependent and I'm in the midst of a huge life change without the benefit of a creative outlet so, to keep myself from going crazy or totally going ballistic on everyone, I will write.

A great sense of calm washed over me just as I wrote that one paragraph (relax, relate, release).

Life is drastically different then it was before so, we start a new.

I'm such a child.

I've been looking forward to my vacation for months! I've been home for two full days and I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bored. I'm a terrible mom because I keep doing things to wake baby up so that at the very least I can feel her move. So selfish, so horrible.

Are You Really In Love?

I was talking with my GodMother last night. I LOVE her dearly. She is fantastic in every way. She has helped me tremendously and I can honestly say that she was the catalyst for some serious changes in my life.

So, last night we were on the phone, talking about Bumble, the weather, work, why I haven't come to see her and junk mail. Just regular stuff. So, she asks, "What happened to this summer wedding you were supposed to be having?" Ummm, I answer, we'll probably do it toward the end of the year. "Mmmmm" she answers, and in that "Mmmmm" there are a thousand and one words. "So" she asks, "Why aren't you getting married now again?" I just don't want to, I answer. I thought it was important but honestly, right now, I don't feel like it is. Not so much. "Mmmmmm" she answers. "Baby, do you WANT to get married? Are you happy?" I answer, Yes. Which wasn't enthusiastic enough for her I suppose because the next thing out of her mouth was, "You can tell me anything. You know that. I just want to make sure you're alright. You have a good man, you're having his baby but, you odn't want to get married. Do you love him?" I answer that Paul is by far the best man I've ever been with, he's kind, considerate, funny, sweet and I know that he'll be a good father. "You didn't answer my question".

So, I think. Paul is fantastic. I cannot say that he isn't. He is kind to me, he is respectful of me, he is caring and responsible, and I know that he loves me. I can feel it, I see it in his eyes. Now, admittedly, am I into him the way I was into Mysterious Ex? I don't think so but, M.E. and I in no way had the kind of relationship that Paul and I have. I think that in many ways, my thing with M.E. was more of a, "this is what we COULD have". Since I have those things WITH Paul, there isn't any speculation about the kind of relationship we could have or the things we can do because we are doing them. It isn't that I don't love him. I think it is so much more than that. We share space, and life, and emotions and a child and future. Those are things I've never had with any person. he and I have made a committment to one another to our life together, to raising our children, to reaching goals together. Honestly, I don't feel like making these things recognizable by law will make them stronger or more true or more real. Could I be wrong?

Week 17 Month 5

Just a note - For pregnancy, I follow the Lunar Calendar which says 1 month is equal to 4 weeks. Some people use the traditional calendar which says a month goes date to date, ex. July 3rd to August 3rd. Based on the Lunar Calendar, pregnancy lasts 10 months so, though I am entering month 5, I still have 5 months to go.

Half Way there!!!

I'm very excited as our pregnancy continues PROBLEM FREE!!! (knock on wood)

Things I LOVE about being pregnant:

-Feeling Bumble inside of me. It is an absolute WONDERFUL feeling! (My baby is the SMARTEST baby EVER) today, I was visiting my Mom. I tell her, Bumble hasn't kicked me in a few days. I've felt her squirming and moving but no kicks. No less than 5 minutes later I SWEAR, she kicks a few times in a row. Tell me that isn't genius!

-Knowing that I have created the smartest baby ever. See above.

-Having that pregnancy glow. Now, admittedly, my skin was jacked up last week. Why? Not sure, probably hormones but once again, my skin is gorgeous and if I do say so myself, I'm looking pretty cute.

-Sex. Now I know this may be too much info but pregnancy sex is like the best sex ever. Or, sex with Paul is the best sex ever though, I really think its the pregnancy.

- My hair is RIDICULOUS. Like, my hairs is crazy thick. The texture has changed too. Its like really coarse now but thicker than ever. Honestly, I'm not really sure what to do with it as I've never had hair like this before. I just two strand twisted it and let it do its own thing for a few days.

-I can eat whatever I want. I've only gained like 5 pounds. The weight I gained before, I lost, not sure why but, who cares. Seriously. I had cheeseburger with fries two days in a row and no one said anything. Of course I still eat lots of fruit and veggies and all the good stuff that I'm supposed to eat but come on, cheeseburgers, twice in week and no one says a thing?

-Everyone is super nice to me. Since I'm REALLY showing now, people are just so kind. They get out of my way when I'm walking down the street, they hold doors open for me for ridiculous amounts of time, like I'm down the hall and they are specifically holding the door for me. I get offered seats even in places where people don't usually sit down, like the bank. (That REALLY happened).

-I can wear flip flops all the time and no one says a thing. I'm pregnant, what are they going to say?

-I take the greatest naps. My mom's couch, is like the comfiest place in the world. I was home today and Sam and I walked down the street specifically so that I could take a nap on her couch.

-I can blame EVERYTHING on Bumble. Admittedly, I've been kind of pushy when it comes to certain things, (what we're going to eat, what movie we're going to see, where I get to sleep in the bed, sending Paul for clam strips at 2 in the morning). As long as I end the statement with, but the baby or but Bumble... Everything is alright.
Ex.
Me: I want pizza. (this can be substituted for any number of things)
Paul: We had pizza yesterday.
Me: Is there some law that we can't have pizza twice in a row? We want pizza.
Paul: Come on now.
Me: But Bumble wants pizza, are you going to deny your child?
Paul: What do you want on the pizza?

-Whining and pouting is cute again. This only would work with my dad, even when I was an adult. After he died, no one paid much attention to my whining so, I stopped. Now that I'm pregnant, I can whine and pout my way into and out of all kinds of stuff.

Things I don't like about being pregnant:

-Waddling. I waddle like a duck. Not a cute look for a fat chick.

-My boobs hurt like ALL of the time. If not the actual breasts, then the nipples. Its really sick.

-My skin is weird sometimes. I'm usually gorgeous but every so often, my skin looks a mess and I'm not sure why.

-Ugly clothes. I can't wear cute vintage stuff anymore. :( I can barely fit into the majority of my clothes and my maternity clothes aren't really my style. All very bad things for a clothes whore.

-EVERYONE wants to talk about me being pregnant. Sometimes I just want to talk about other stuff but its like I'm not supposed to talk about anything else.

-I have to sleep in weird positions. I have to sleep on my sides which is horrendous. I have like 25 pillows that I sleep with nightly otherwise, sleeping in bed is very uncomfortable.

-I think my butt is getting smaller. My mother SWEARS I stole her behind. She says she had a beautiful behind before she was pregnant with me. Apparently, when I was born, I took her booty. Now, I have a VERY BIG booty. Its one of my favorite parts of my body. I swear its getting smaller, Paul says it isn't but, I've had this booty for years. He's only known it for a few months, what does he know?

-Pressure to get married. I've decided not to get married, at least not anytime soon. Everyone, including the person I was supposed to marry is acting as though I've gone completlely nuts. Knowing the Sagittarian I am, I probably don't want to get married because they all want me to. Haven't they learned anything about me yet?

-STRETCH MARKS. No amount of water drinking, olive oil or shea butter can stop these things. They are onthe bottom of my once stretch mark-less belly like veins. They're very light but I see them and worse, I feel them. Very nasty things they are.

I'm Exhausted

How can someone sleep for 11 hours and still be sleepy? Its like I'm some weird freak of nature. I went to bed at 9:30 last night. I was actually mad at myself because I, a big grown woman, was fighting my sleep like a child. Refusing to go to sleep at 9, I began reading. Finally, it was too much and I HAD to actually allow myself to sleep. I woke up about 5 in the morning, laid there until about 6 then went back to sleep. I finally got out of bed at about 9:20 this morning. Now, I sit at my desk at 12:10 pm and I am exhausted. I mean like really, really sleepy. I tried to set up a sleep station between two office chairs but was afraid if I really fell asleep, the chair would roll from beneath me. I have two interviews scheduled for this afternoon and I want to cancel them because I haven't the energy or interest to sit here and listen to someone go on and on about their foolishness. Who cares?

I'm tired.

Its 4:10 am

I'm currently eating manzanilla olives and slices of feta cheese wrapped in salami.

This is supposedly what Bumble is supposed to look like, (according to makemebabies.com). Kind of creepy.

He Touches My Stuff!

Okay, so I'm slowly adjusting to sharing space with someone. I don't say living together because we don't, not full time. I think my head would explode if he just popped up with boxes and boxes of stuff but, he is here like 4 or 5 days a week. That's a lot. But, why does he have to touch my stuff? I go to the bathroom, my towel is moved, my soap is in a different place then where I left it. He opens up the iced tea and drinks the first cup. Why does he do that? He moves my computer, I came out of the shower and it was pulled way over on the other side of the desk. He has his own computer, why does he have to use mine? He takes my favorite pillow and crunches it up. Mind you, there are literally ten other pillows in the bed, why does he have to take mine? He always wants to touch me. Sometimes I just want to sit on the couch or bed and spaz out, why doesn't he just sit there too? He always wants to talk. Sometimes I just want to sit there and contemplate life, think about clothes, stare at the ceiling but, I always have to be engrossed in some kind of conversation. Why doesn't he shut up? He cleans up after me. Sometimes I want to throw a dish in the sink or leave my t-shirt on the floor near the bed. Isn't it my right as a free born american to be messy if I want to be? Why does he do that. Then, to top it all off, he's so sweet so I daren't say any of these things to him. I'd look like a complete fool.

Is This Really My Body?

My legs and feet are swollen. I put on a pair of sandals yesterday and had to switch to flip flops as soon as got to my office, my feet were puffy all around the sandals.

The left side of my face is dry, itchy and peeling. It literally looks as though I have dandruff on my face. I had to scrub my face with a scrub puff and slather shea butter all over it in order for it to even appear somewhat normal.

My head hurts for no apparent reason. I can't take aspirin to make it stop.

When I bend to pick something up, I pass gas. I can't control it, it just happens. Its really gross and I'm afraid I'm going to do it when people are around.

Sometimes when I go to say something, I belch instead of words coming out of my mouth. That's really gross too.

My eyes have like an excessive amount of mucus. Its so gross, I have to clean my eyes like ten times a day.

I have to pumice my feet like three times a week. If I miss a day, it will look as though I haven't pumiced my feet in like a month and a half.

I have stretch marks on the bottom and sides of my belly. They're white and icky and I can't stand them.

My eyebrows have to be picked every other day. The other day, I found a hair growing out of the middle of my cheek.

Sometimes, for no real reason, I feel like I can't breathe. Like I'm sitting on the couch and all of a sudden, I'm short of breath, its ridiculous.

I have mood swings. I can be happy and laughing one minute then I'm sad and don't want to talk the next.

I have to clip my nails every week. If not, they get really long and begin to twist.

This better be one kick ass baby.

So, I thought I was done with this kind of foolishness but apparently, I'm not.

Yesterday, Paul and I decide to have a picnic. We go to the store, get some food, drop by this great bakery, get some cupcakes and head to the park. Its a really lovely day. We intended to go have a picnic, then go to the beach later in the evening. We like the beach at night for some reason. As the day went on, it began to get really cool and, I was wearing a sun dress, no sweater, no nothing. As we left the park we decided we wouldn't go to the beach or Bumble and I would freeze our tushies off. Okay, we're in the car and Paul says, "Let's go shopping!" Okay, I'm always down to buy some stuff (and I have gone particularly crazy in the baby clothes and shoes dept.) Alright, some brief background:

We've decided that I'm going to stay home after the birth of Bumble. My current position is very demanding and don't want to spend upwards of 10 plus hours away from my baby each day. Bumble will only be an infant once in her life and I think its my duty as her mom to give her as much of my time as possible, especially in the very early part of her life. Paul agrees and so, we have been planning that I will stay home with her for about three years. Because of this, admittedly, this man has been holding stuff down. He's wiped out all of his debt, minus about 2 thousand and we have both been living on nothing but cash. I won't use my credit cards at all and we've only been using his for very small purchases to at least keep the account in good standing. We're living below our means because this is what we will have to do once I'm not working. We'v been saving lots of money and, we've been putting money aside. So, we've both been on a strict budget. When we go out, we decide we're only going to spend x amount of money and we stick to that.

All this being said, I've been saving money so that I can make purchases for Bumble if I want to without going over my budget. So, I usually have about two hundred "extra" dollars hanging around because I never know if I'm going to run into a big sale, or see something I just HAVE to have. Yesterday, I had about three hundred "extra" dollars because I was planning on buying Bumble's bedding set for the nursery. Paul decided our budget (from his funds) for yesterday's activities would be 120 dollars which is a lot considering we were just having a picnic and going to the beach. After getting food, and dessert, and drinks, we spent about 60 dollars so, he had about 60 bucks left on him. Okay, we decide to go the mall, we went to Marshall's which is this huge discount store that has all kinds of cool stuff. They had great prices on baby stuff, so, we got 6 onesies, 6 sleepers, two pairs of shoes, four hats, two pairs of socks, a bunting, 2 outside outfits and a receiving blanket for about 85 dollars. Not bad at all. Since Paul only had 60 dollars on him and because I saved up money specifically for this purpose, I bought the stuff with my debit card. Almost immediately, he starts acting weird, like his entire energy is just strange. We're in the car going home and I ask him, "what's wrong?" he answers "nothing". He then hands me money, I ask him "why?" he answers, "what do you mean why?" I put the money down in the cup holder between us. When we get to my house, there is parking all over the place which is unusual for a Friday night but, instead of parking, he pulls up near my house, I get out, he takes my packages to the door, he then gets back in his car and literally speeds off. Okay.

I go to my Mom's house to pick up Sam, I hang out for a while because I'm not tired, I'm mad and I don't feel like sitting in my house by myself. I recount the evening to her but she really doesn't have an answer. I go home, wash up, play with Sam then I text him:
Y r u upset?
He answers: I'm not feeling that you are always pulling out ur wallet EVERYWHERE we go. You took the joy out of me buying things for our baby.

I answer: I didn't take the joy out of anything. U could have said we won't buy anything or, u could have bought some of the stuff if it was so important.

He calls me and tells me I made him feel as though he can't provide for me or our child because I'm always so quick to show how independent I am and how much I don't need him.

I answered: Are you serious? You didn't have enough cash on you. You didn't have your credit card. We were both in the store picking out things together. You stood on line with me. Why is this an issue? I don't understand.

He then tells me I just don't understand, I think he can't provide for me. I have to go buy everything on my own. (Prior to this, I've bought some baby shoes, a few t shirts and what I've been calling Bumble's coming home outfit. I've MADE (with yarn HE bought) some sweaters and booties and I'm still working on two blankets.)

We hung up because frankly, I was just sooooo pissed off. I've been through this "you don't act as though you need me" foolishness with men in the past and I honestly thought we were better than that. I've just been so pissed at him all day because
a) I felt he could have handled this WAAAAAY better. He literally took my packages to the door, jumped in his car and left. He usually stays over on nights he isn't working so, I thought that was the plan.
b) It was just so childish of him and now I honestly feel as though I see him in a different light. I'm not sure if I'm just mad at him now but, I don't even want him to touch me, like I really don't even want to look at him.
c) I'm not even sure I want to be a stay at home mommy. Like this experience just ruined that for me. Of course I want to be with Bumble, especially in the beginning but if that means giving up my independence, especially to someone who seems to be so foolish about such things, I'm honestly not sure if its something I want to do.

I truly thought we were working as a team. I thought we were building he foundation for our family but, he took it to some whole other level. Its just silly.

I'm angry, and sad. I know life isn't going to be perfect. I know there are issues we will have to face and deal with and work out but, this shit is just so ridiculous to me. I'm not even sure where to begin on this one.

I'm retiring.

So, after many years of having this great outlet, I am retiring. I've had the great pleasure of meeting some absolutely wonderful women who have graciously shared their talents, opinions and selves and even got myself into the Schlesinger Library at Harvard. Not bad for a nappy headed girl from Brooklyn.

Thanks for all of the years of fun, exchange of ideas and laughter.

Random Sunday Night Fun

Found this little thingy on another blog (Scribble, Scribble - Roslyn Carrington), apparently, one needs to read on the Junior High School level in order to understand my blog. Interesting.

TV Reviews

The Craziest Thing

Yesterday, after the children in my programs where dismissed, my staff and I came back to our main office to quickly review the day and pack up to leave. Right outside my office window, there were a group of about 25 kids aged from about 10 to about 15-16, boys and girls alike. They were fighting, punching and hitting one another almost like the people in that movie Fight Club. Then, they ganged up on one child, like alomst all of the children against one. I began to open the window and yell at them because that's what I tend to do when I see things like that. One of my staff members stops me and goes, 'mind your business, that's a gang initiation'. It was surreal because the kids really seemed as though they were trying to hurt the one child they were ganged up against. They were kicking him, punching him in the head, throwing him against a fence, it was insane. I then said I was going to call the cops but all of my staff members said I shouldn't so instead, we just watched.

I turned away because I couldn't watch it. I could not watch young people of color #1 destroy themselves, #2 Willingly take part in something that I know will bring such grief and sadness to their lives. When they were done, they spit on the boy then they all hugged and shook hands. It was crazy.

The saddest part about it was I recognized three of the boys in the group. They were a part of my programs from the beginning of the school year until about January when my supervisor made me remove them from program because they were older than the age I was supposed to serve. When the boys came to me respectfully in the beginning of the year, they asked could they join the programs because they I QUOTE, "didn't want to be in the streets". Two of the three boys came to program faithfully EVERY single day until the day my supervisor saw them and made me get rid of them. When removing them as participants, I brought them on into the program as interns, paying them in gift certificates and gift cards and they continued to come, just wanting to be a part of something. When she saw them again, she said plainly, "they CANNOT be here in ANY capacity" so, I had to deny these children entrance into my programs and now they are in a gang.

I failed these children.

Here I am, my mission in the world to create a better place for young people. To help them grow into well rounded, well exposed adults. To help them be better than they can be and all I've done is help them join a gang.

I am leaving this position soon.

A bit ago I said and thought I was passionless but, that isn't true. I just have to find some way to target my passion. To help people, no matter their age.

This afternoon, I am going to go out and talk to those boys if I see them. I am going to re-enroll them in my programs no matter what anyone says. I cannot watch the lives of these young men go to waste because of some stupid rule. These children's lives are at stake. That, righ now, is my mission.