Insert Funny Creative Name Here

I'm such a child.

2010-10-19T23:30:00.001-05:00

I've been looking forward to my vacation for months! I've been home for two full days and I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bored. I'm a terrible mom because I keep doing things to wake baby up so that at the very least I can feel her move. So selfish, so horrible.

Are You Really In Love?

2010-10-19T23:28:00.000-05:00

I was talking with my GodMother last night. I LOVE her dearly. She is fantastic in every way. She has helped me tremendously and I can honestly say that she was the catalyst for some serious changes in my life.

So, last night we were on the phone, talking about Bumble, the weather, work, why I haven't come to see her and junk mail. Just regular stuff. So, she asks, "What happened to this summer wedding you were supposed to be having?" Ummm, I answer, we'll probably do it toward the end of the year. "Mmmmm" she answers, and in that "Mmmmm" there are a thousand and one words. "So" she asks, "Why aren't you getting married now again?" I just don't want to, I answer. I thought it was important but honestly, right now, I don't feel like it is. Not so much. "Mmmmmm" she answers. "Baby, do you WANT to get married? Are you happy?" I answer, Yes. Which wasn't enthusiastic enough for her I suppose because the next thing out of her mouth was, "You can tell me anything. You know that. I just want to make sure you're alright. You have a good man, you're having his baby but, you odn't want to get married. Do you love him?" I answer that Paul is by far the best man I've ever been with, he's kind, considerate, funny, sweet and I know that he'll be a good father. "You didn't answer my question".

So, I think. Paul is fantastic. I cannot say that he isn't. He is kind to me, he is respectful of me, he is caring and responsible, and I know that he loves me. I can feel it, I see it in his eyes. Now, admittedly, am I into him the way I was into Mysterious Ex? I don't think so but, M.E. and I in no way had the kind of relationship that Paul and I have. I think that in many ways, my thing with M.E. was more of a, "this is what we COULD have". Since I have those things WITH Paul, there isn't any speculation about the kind of relationship we could have or the things we can do because we are doing them. It isn't that I don't love him. I think it is so much more than that. We share space, and life, and emotions and a child and future. Those are things I've never had with any person. he and I have made a committment to one another to our life together, to raising our children, to reaching goals together. Honestly, I don't feel like making these things recognizable by law will make them stronger or more true or more real. Could I be wrong?

Week 17 Month 5

2010-10-19T23:27:00.000-05:00

Just a note - For pregnancy, I follow the Lunar Calendar which says 1 month is equal to 4 weeks. Some people use the traditional calendar which says a month goes date to date, ex. July 3rd to August 3rd. Based on the Lunar Calendar, pregnancy lasts 10 months so, though I am entering month 5, I still have 5 months to go.

Half Way there!!!

I'm very excited as our pregnancy continues PROBLEM FREE!!! (knock on wood)

Things I LOVE about being pregnant:

-Feeling Bumble inside of me. It is an absolute WONDERFUL feeling! (My baby is the SMARTEST baby EVER) today, I was visiting my Mom. I tell her, Bumble hasn't kicked me in a few days. I've felt her squirming and moving but no kicks. No less than 5 minutes later I SWEAR, she kicks a few times in a row. Tell me that isn't genius!

-Knowing that I have created the smartest baby ever. See above.

-Having that pregnancy glow. Now, admittedly, my skin was jacked up last week. Why? Not sure, probably hormones but once again, my skin is gorgeous and if I do say so myself, I'm looking pretty cute.

-Sex. Now I know this may be too much info but pregnancy sex is like the best sex ever. Or, sex with Paul is the best sex ever though, I really think its the pregnancy.

- My hair is RIDICULOUS. Like, my hairs is crazy thick. The texture has changed too. Its like really coarse now but thicker than ever. Honestly, I'm not really sure what to do with it as I've never had hair like this before. I just two strand twisted it and let it do its own thing for a few days.

-I can eat whatever I want. I've only gained like 5 pounds. The weight I gained before, I lost, not sure why but, who cares. Seriously. I had cheeseburger with fries two days in a row and no one said anything. Of course I still eat lots of fruit and veggies and all the good stuff that I'm supposed to eat but come on, cheeseburgers, twice in week and no one says a thing?

-Everyone is super nice to me. Since I'm REALLY showing now, people are just so kind. They get out of my way when I'm walking down the street, they hold doors open for me for ridiculous amounts of time, like I'm down the hall and they are specifically holding the door for me. I get offered seats even in places where people don't usually sit down, like the bank. (That REALLY happened).

-I can wear flip flops all the time and no one says a thing. I'm pregnant, what are they going to say?

-I take the greatest naps. My mom's couch, is like the comfiest place in the world. I was home today and Sam and I walked down the street specifically so that I could take a nap on her couch.

-I can blame EVERYTHING on Bumble. Admittedly, I've been kind of pushy when it comes to certain things, (what we're going to eat, what movie we're going to see, where I get to sleep in the bed, sending Paul for clam strips at 2 in the morning). As long as I end the statement with, but the baby or but Bumble... Everything is alright.
Ex.
Me: I want pizza. (this can be substituted for any number of things)
Paul: We had pizza yesterday.
Me: Is there some law that we can't have pizza twice in a row? We want pizza.
Paul: Come on now.
Me: But Bumble wants pizza, are you going to deny your child?
Paul: What do you want on the pizza?

-Whining and pouting is cute again. This only would work with my dad, even when I was an adult. After he died, no one paid much attention to my whining so, I stopped. Now that I'm pregnant, I can whine and pout my way into and out of all kinds of stuff.

Things I don't like about being pregnant:

-Waddling. I waddle like a duck. Not a cute look for a fat chick.

-My boobs hurt like ALL of the time. If not the actual breasts, then the nipples. Its really sick.

-My skin is weird sometimes. I'm usually gorgeous but every so often, my skin looks a mess and I'm not sure why.

-Ugly clothes. I can't wear cute vintage stuff anymore. :( I can barely fit into the majority of my clothes and my maternity clothes aren't really my style. All very bad things for a clothes whore.

-EVERYONE wants to talk about me being pregnant. Sometimes I just want to talk about other stuff but its like I'm not supposed to talk about anything else.

-I have to sleep in weird positions. I have to sleep on my sides which is horrendous. I have like 25 pillows that I sleep with nightly otherwise, sleeping in bed is very uncomfortable.

-I think my butt is getting smaller. My mother SWEARS I stole her behind. She says she had a beautiful behind before she was pregnant with me. Apparently, when I was born, I took her booty. Now, I have a VERY BIG booty. Its one of my favorite parts of my body. I swear its getting smaller, Paul says it isn't but, I've had this booty for years. He's only known it for a few months, what does he know?

-Pressure to get married. I've decided not to get married, at least not anytime soon. Everyone, including the person I was supposed to marry is acting as though I've gone completlely nuts. Knowing the Sagittarian I am, I probably don't want to get married because they all want me to. Haven't they learned anything about me yet?

-STRETCH MARKS. No amount of water drinking, olive oil or shea butter can stop these things. They are onthe bottom of my once stretch mark-less belly like veins. They're very light but I see them and worse, I feel them. Very nasty things they are.

I'm Exhausted

2010-10-19T23:26:00.002-05:00

How can someone sleep for 11 hours and still be sleepy? Its like I'm some weird freak of nature. I went to bed at 9:30 last night. I was actually mad at myself because I, a big grown woman, was fighting my sleep like a child. Refusing to go to sleep at 9, I began reading. Finally, it was too much and I HAD to actually allow myself to sleep. I woke up about 5 in the morning, laid there until about 6 then went back to sleep. I finally got out of bed at about 9:20 this morning. Now, I sit at my desk at 12:10 pm and I am exhausted. I mean like really, really sleepy. I tried to set up a sleep station between two office chairs but was afraid if I really fell asleep, the chair would roll from beneath me. I have two interviews scheduled for this afternoon and I want to cancel them because I haven't the energy or interest to sit here and listen to someone go on and on about their foolishness. Who cares?

I'm tired.

Its 4:10 am

2010-10-19T23:26:00.001-05:00

I'm currently eating manzanilla olives and slices of feta cheese wrapped in salami.

This is supposedly what Bumble is supposed to look like, (according to makemebabies.com). Kind of creepy.

He Touches My Stuff!

2010-10-19T23:24:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I'm slowly adjusting to sharing space with someone. I don't say living together because we don't, not full time. I think my head would explode if he just popped up with boxes and boxes of stuff but, he is here like 4 or 5 days a week. That's a lot. But, why does he have to touch my stuff? I go to the bathroom, my towel is moved, my soap is in a different place then where I left it. He opens up the iced tea and drinks the first cup. Why does he do that? He moves my computer, I came out of the shower and it was pulled way over on the other side of the desk. He has his own computer, why does he have to use mine? He takes my favorite pillow and crunches it up. Mind you, there are literally ten other pillows in the bed, why does he have to take mine? He always wants to touch me. Sometimes I just want to sit on the couch or bed and spaz out, why doesn't he just sit there too? He always wants to talk. Sometimes I just want to sit there and contemplate life, think about clothes, stare at the ceiling but, I always have to be engrossed in some kind of conversation. Why doesn't he shut up? He cleans up after me. Sometimes I want to throw a dish in the sink or leave my t-shirt on the floor near the bed. Isn't it my right as a free born american to be messy if I want to be? Why does he do that. Then, to top it all off, he's so sweet so I daren't say any of these things to him. I'd look like a complete fool.

Is This Really My Body?

2010-10-19T23:23:00.002-05:00

My legs and feet are swollen. I put on a pair of sandals yesterday and had to switch to flip flops as soon as got to my office, my feet were puffy all around the sandals.

The left side of my face is dry, itchy and peeling. It literally looks as though I have dandruff on my face. I had to scrub my face with a scrub puff and slather shea butter all over it in order for it to even appear somewhat normal.

My head hurts for no apparent reason. I can't take aspirin to make it stop.

When I bend to pick something up, I pass gas. I can't control it, it just happens. Its really gross and I'm afraid I'm going to do it when people are around.

Sometimes when I go to say something, I belch instead of words coming out of my mouth. That's really gross too.

My eyes have like an excessive amount of mucus. Its so gross, I have to clean my eyes like ten times a day.

I have to pumice my feet like three times a week. If I miss a day, it will look as though I haven't pumiced my feet in like a month and a half.

I have stretch marks on the bottom and sides of my belly. They're white and icky and I can't stand them.

My eyebrows have to be picked every other day. The other day, I found a hair growing out of the middle of my cheek.

Sometimes, for no real reason, I feel like I can't breathe. Like I'm sitting on the couch and all of a sudden, I'm short of breath, its ridiculous.

I have mood swings. I can be happy and laughing one minute then I'm sad and don't want to talk the next.

I have to clip my nails every week. If not, they get really long and begin to twist.

This better be one kick ass baby.

2010-10-19T23:23:00.001-05:00

So, I thought I was done with this kind of foolishness but apparently, I'm not.

Yesterday, Paul and I decide to have a picnic. We go to the store, get some food, drop by this great bakery, get some cupcakes and head to the park. Its a really lovely day. We intended to go have a picnic, then go to the beach later in the evening. We like the beach at night for some reason. As the day went on, it began to get really cool and, I was wearing a sun dress, no sweater, no nothing. As we left the park we decided we wouldn't go to the beach or Bumble and I would freeze our tushies off. Okay, we're in the car and Paul says, "Let's go shopping!" Okay, I'm always down to buy some stuff (and I have gone particularly crazy in the baby clothes and shoes dept.) Alright, some brief background:

We've decided that I'm going to stay home after the birth of Bumble. My current position is very demanding and don't want to spend upwards of 10 plus hours away from my baby each day. Bumble will only be an infant once in her life and I think its my duty as her mom to give her as much of my time as possible, especially in the very early part of her life. Paul agrees and so, we have been planning that I will stay home with her for about three years. Because of this, admittedly, this man has been holding stuff down. He's wiped out all of his debt, minus about 2 thousand and we have both been living on nothing but cash. I won't use my credit cards at all and we've only been using his for very small purchases to at least keep the account in good standing. We're living below our means because this is what we will have to do once I'm not working. We'v been saving lots of money and, we've been putting money aside. So, we've both been on a strict budget. When we go out, we decide we're only going to spend x amount of money and we stick to that.

All this being said, I've been saving money so that I can make purchases for Bumble if I want to without going over my budget. So, I usually have about two hundred "extra" dollars hanging around because I never know if I'm going to run into a big sale, or see something I just HAVE to have. Yesterday, I had about three hundred "extra" dollars because I was planning on buying Bumble's bedding set for the nursery. Paul decided our budget (from his funds) for yesterday's activities would be 120 dollars which is a lot considering we were just having a picnic and going to the beach. After getting food, and dessert, and drinks, we spent about 60 dollars so, he had about 60 bucks left on him. Okay, we decide to go the mall, we went to Marshall's which is this huge discount store that has all kinds of cool stuff. They had great prices on baby stuff, so, we got 6 onesies, 6 sleepers, two pairs of shoes, four hats, two pairs of socks, a bunting, 2 outside outfits and a receiving blanket for about 85 dollars. Not bad at all. Since Paul only had 60 dollars on him and because I saved up money specifically for this purpose, I bought the stuff with my debit card. Almost immediately, he starts acting weird, like his entire energy is just strange. We're in the car going home and I ask him, "what's wrong?" he answers "nothing". He then hands me money, I ask him "why?" he answers, "what do you mean why?" I put the money down in the cup holder between us. When we get to my house, there is parking all over the place which is unusual for a Friday night but, instead of parking, he pulls up near my house, I get out, he takes my packages to the door, he then gets back in his car and literally speeds off. Okay.

I go to my Mom's house to pick up Sam, I hang out for a while because I'm not tired, I'm mad and I don't feel like sitting in my house by myself. I recount the evening to her but she really doesn't have an answer. I go home, wash up, play with Sam then I text him:
Y r u upset?
He answers: I'm not feeling that you are always pulling out ur wallet EVERYWHERE we go. You took the joy out of me buying things for our baby.

I answer: I didn't take the joy out of anything. U could have said we won't buy anything or, u could have bought some of the stuff if it was so important.

He calls me and tells me I made him feel as though he can't provide for me or our child because I'm always so quick to show how independent I am and how much I don't need him.

I answered: Are you serious? You didn't have enough cash on you. You didn't have your credit card. We were both in the store picking out things together. You stood on line with me. Why is this an issue? I don't understand.

He then tells me I just don't understand, I think he can't provide for me. I have to go buy everything on my own. (Prior to this, I've bought some baby shoes, a few t shirts and what I've been calling Bumble's coming home outfit. I've MADE (with yarn HE bought) some sweaters and booties and I'm still working on two blankets.)

We hung up because frankly, I was just sooooo pissed off. I've been through this "you don't act as though you need me" foolishness with men in the past and I honestly thought we were better than that. I've just been so pissed at him all day because
a) I felt he could have handled this WAAAAAY better. He literally took my packages to the door, jumped in his car and left. He usually stays over on nights he isn't working so, I thought that was the plan.
b) It was just so childish of him and now I honestly feel as though I see him in a different light. I'm not sure if I'm just mad at him now but, I don't even want him to touch me, like I really don't even want to look at him.
c) I'm not even sure I want to be a stay at home mommy. Like this experience just ruined that for me. Of course I want to be with Bumble, especially in the beginning but if that means giving up my independence, especially to someone who seems to be so foolish about such things, I'm honestly not sure if its something I want to do.

I truly thought we were working as a team. I thought we were building he foundation for our family but, he took it to some whole other level. Its just silly.

I'm angry, and sad. I know life isn't going to be perfect. I know there are issues we will have to face and deal with and work out but, this shit is just so ridiculous to me. I'm not even sure where to begin on this one.

I'm retiring.

2008-08-29T14:18:00.001-05:00

So, after many years of having this great outlet, I am retiring. I've had the great pleasure of meeting some absolutely wonderful women who have graciously shared their talents, opinions and selves and even got myself into the Schlesinger Library at Harvard. Not bad for a nappy headed girl from Brooklyn.

Thanks for all of the years of fun, exchange of ideas and laughter.

Random Sunday Night Fun

2008-03-16T19:55:00.001-05:00

Found this little thingy on another blog (Scribble, Scribble - Roslyn Carrington), apparently, one needs to read on the Junior High School level in order to understand my blog. Interesting.

TV Reviews

The Craziest Thing

2008-03-14T13:19:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, after the children in my programs where dismissed, my staff and I came back to our main office to quickly review the day and pack up to leave. Right outside my office window, there were a group of about 25 kids aged from about 10 to about 15-16, boys and girls alike. They were fighting, punching and hitting one another almost like the people in that movie Fight Club. Then, they ganged up on one child, like alomst all of the children against one. I began to open the window and yell at them because that's what I tend to do when I see things like that. One of my staff members stops me and goes, 'mind your business, that's a gang initiation'. It was surreal because the kids really seemed as though they were trying to hurt the one child they were ganged up against. They were kicking him, punching him in the head, throwing him against a fence, it was insane. I then said I was going to call the cops but all of my staff members said I shouldn't so instead, we just watched.

I turned away because I couldn't watch it. I could not watch young people of color #1 destroy themselves, #2 Willingly take part in something that I know will bring such grief and sadness to their lives. When they were done, they spit on the boy then they all hugged and shook hands. It was crazy.

The saddest part about it was I recognized three of the boys in the group. They were a part of my programs from the beginning of the school year until about January when my supervisor made me remove them from program because they were older than the age I was supposed to serve. When the boys came to me respectfully in the beginning of the year, they asked could they join the programs because they I QUOTE, "didn't want to be in the streets". Two of the three boys came to program faithfully EVERY single day until the day my supervisor saw them and made me get rid of them. When removing them as participants, I brought them on into the program as interns, paying them in gift certificates and gift cards and they continued to come, just wanting to be a part of something. When she saw them again, she said plainly, "they CANNOT be here in ANY capacity" so, I had to deny these children entrance into my programs and now they are in a gang.

I failed these children.

Here I am, my mission in the world to create a better place for young people. To help them grow into well rounded, well exposed adults. To help them be better than they can be and all I've done is help them join a gang.

I am leaving this position soon.

A bit ago I said and thought I was passionless but, that isn't true. I just have to find some way to target my passion. To help people, no matter their age.

This afternoon, I am going to go out and talk to those boys if I see them. I am going to re-enroll them in my programs no matter what anyone says. I cannot watch the lives of these young men go to waste because of some stupid rule. These children's lives are at stake. That, righ now, is my mission.

Can Someone Explain To Me

2008-03-05T11:36:00.001-05:00

Why do I have to have a 2 hour meeting with this broad, then she turns around and calls me for a 24 minute conversation to follow up about the meeting.

What the hell?!

I'm Passion-less

2008-02-29T14:07:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, I went to a city wide conference with Directors from around the city. Sitting in the midst of these folks, everyone was discussing work, kids, programs, new clubs, new offerings, etc. and I was not only bored, but MAD that they were talking about work so much. I mean, I was really annoyed, everytime someone asked me, "what are you doing at your sites?" "What new programming are you thinking of for next year?" I just wanted to smack them. Shut up about work already crazies! Then, it dawned on me, they aren't crazy, I am because frankly, I no longer care about my work. Sad, isn't it? I truly, honestly, really, just don't care. I don't care about new innovative programming or finding the best people because I just don't care. It makes me sad, I was very enthusiastic at some point in my life. When did that all change? I'm not in an industry where I make hubcaps or stack boxes, I work with children, our future and all that good jazz. Lately, I've been more excited about how quick I can get home then finding something cool for my kids to do. It makes me VERY sad.

I know that I get bored with work easily. I go into a position with goals. Once those goals are met, I don't want to be in that position any longer. I've done this since I've begun working. I think some of it may have to do with the fact that with the exception of starting my own school (which I'm sure I'll do), I've reached all of the career goals I've set for myself and I may feel as though I don't have a lot more to do. I'm sure I can go further in my career, actually I know I can but honestly, I don't see the point. While looking at new positions, I keep seeing the same types of things, just with a lot more responsibility and a lot more work, very often not with much more pay. At this point, I honestly have to say I live very well off of my salary and really don't see a reason to kill myself making a lot more money. I'm okay.

I thought I'd NEVER say this again but, I think I actually miss being in the classroom. I realized that I was happiest at work when I was teaching the fourth grade. I left because I got bored of going to the same building every day and some teacher who basically said he KNEW he would be teaching at that school for the next 22 years freaked me out. I couldn't see ME working somewhere for 20 plus years so, I gathered my stuff, put in my resignation and moved on to what I thought would be bigger and better things. Now that I've done those bigger and better things, I'm done. I just want a much simplier existence. A position that doesn't require so much of my time and so much of my sanity and patience.

As a Sagittarius, I KNOW I'm cursed with a wandering spirit. I've come to terms with that. I'm constantly in search of the next big thing. But now, I wonder, what is the point of it all? Every day, I wake up, shower, eat, run out the house, do the same crap, go home, eat, shower, sleep and do it all again. Is this all there is to life? When I have kids will it be, wake up, shower, bathe them, eat, feed them, run out the house, come home, eat, feed them, bathe them, shower and back in bed? I want more, whatever that may be. I want to enjoy and experience life, whatever may be in store for me and I honestly don't think it will be possible running around doing meaningless stuff for which I have no passion. The funny thing is, I don't think I have passion for anything; at least not enough passion that I would want to dedicate myself to doing something for the rest of my life. I mean, I have many interests, thoughts, ideas, but, nothing that ever really grabs my attention for massive amounts of time. Are people pretending when they talk about how much they love their jobs? If not, how does one find what they love?

I'm Leaving

2008-02-20T06:58:00.004-05:00

I've made the decision to leave my job.

Yesterday, I felt I was underminded yet again and, when I complained about it - to someone who has given me nothing but praises inthe past two years (and yes, I deserved all of them) - she backed up the underminer. Truthfully, it really wasn't even a complaint as I'm very professional and have been around for a long time, it was more of a - this occurred and I'm not certain why, please advise.

The bottom line is this, when I joined this organization two years ago, I was told they wanted someone who was very independent and a self starter, which I am. The first few months of me working here, I literally was told, this is sort of how this program runs but, we're open to any new thoughts and suggestions you may have. When I came up with said thoughts and suggestions it was always - cool! Love that idea. I don't recall there ever being a problem with anything I've ever done and if anything, my ideas may have been added to - by people who have more experience than I - but NEVER shot down, NEVER. In fact, I was liked so much that I was given a promotion after less than a year of working for said organization and was even told on more than one occassion - you don't have to check in with everything you want to do, just summarize your doings in an email every so often- (which I took to mean about twice a week) and no one EVER said anything about it. (Now, I seem to have developed a problem with communication.) That style of working has worked for me and been effective for the programs. I have increased enrollment, attendance and retention to the highest levels EVER in the history of all the programs I manage. I have created the most diverse and engaging programs for the children (hence high enrollment and attendance) and please keep in mind, my programs are for children in the middle - high school age range, children who DON'T have to come to these kinds of programs because the can run the street, be unsupervised but, they CHOOSE to come because of the changes I have made. Also, and I have been told this on more than one occasion, I've bought a great deal of professionalism to the programs - something the "higher ups" felt was missing before I took over (home - program relations, -school - program relations, - outside agency - program relations) and, since I cleaned house with staff and hired new people, I was told - your staff is the most professional we've had at these programs, blah, blah , blah. And, it's all true.

Now, in the middle of a school year, a position is created for someone who has a TOTALLY different management style than anyone I've ever worked with. Even as a fresh out of college 20 year old teacher I was told - go teach kid- and given pointers along the way. This person calls CONSTANTLY throughout the day. Actually asked me once why I wasn't at my desk (there is such a thing as peeing, meetings, lunch, stretching ones legs, etc.) and basically micro-manages me. I am not a micro-managing type person, I never have been and never will be. That is not my way. I've never had issue with anyone who was a supervisor of mine. I have letters of recommendation applauding me and evaluations specifically noting how I am adaptable, take criticism well and am eager to learn from those with more experience.

It is at the point where the other day, I had a dream about this woman. That is way too much for me. I am done. My health and well being are way more important than any job.

Now the scary part. After stringent calculations, I have about 5 months worth of money on which to live. Technically, if I need to, I can live off of my tenants rent but, with all of the repairs I've had to do in the house and with the possiblity that ANYTHING may happen at ANYTIME in here, I think its best I not do that.

So, I have already begun the search. The good part about this job is that with all of the conferences and meetings I must attend, I've made lots of contacts. I've already sent my resume off to people who I've met. And, if worse comes to worst, I can always return to the classroom.

So, my letter is typed, signed and is going in on Friday morning. Wish me luck.

Top 5 Reasons My Job Sucks Today

2008-02-15T11:28:00.004-05:00

5. Its boring. I do the same thing day after day, there is no challenge.

4. The hours. 10 - 6 are very sucky hours. I'm always tired no matter how much sleep I get and I still haven't become accustomed to the time. When I get home, it's about 7 or later, always too late in my eyes to go out and do something after work. Plus, its a really long stretch of time to leave Sam.

3. The kids. The kids in my programs are really nutty. They start fihgts with one another, are sometimes disrespectful to my staff and often do the most inappropriate things.

2. The stuff I have to do. I think its been well established that I am lazy. I have SO much stuff to do EVERYDAY. Its exhausting. I'm stressed out, tired and very unhappy.

#1. My new supervisor. This chick gets on my nerves so much! Let us count the ways:
A) She has WAY less experience than I do:

1. I have been an educator or in education for like 12 years now. This girl has 4 years in.

2. She got her job as a favor. She and I held similar positions last year (I do more work than her and, I get paid more!). She left to go to graduate school (to get one of the degrees I already hold). She COULDN'T GET IN! So, our supervisor MADE UP a position for her so that she could have a job until she takes REMEDIAL classes to be able to get into Grad School. (Mmmmmmmmm)

3. She has no command of the English language. Now, I know that in this blog I make many mistakes but, this is my personal who gives a shit writing. This woman writes things like (actually taken from a circulated memo) "In which capacitye will these supplies be used in". WTF!?!!!

4. She pretends to know EVERYTHING. Our programs are funded by grants given by the city. A group of our children are funded by one agency, lets call the agency ABC. Another group of children are funded by another agency, lets call it XYZ. Children from XYZ agency receive supper every evening and food is provided to them if they go on trips. Agency ABC does not provide food but will reimburse you if you buy food for the children. So, children funded by agency ABC were going on a trip. She says, " I wonder if XYZ will give food to the children going on the trip". I say, "No, the children going on the trip are funded by ABC", she says, " I KNOW that." Uh, then why would you ask such a dumb question?

5. She is like the dumbest person EVER. I am a salaried employee. If I work 30 hours, if I work 75 hours, I get the same amount. My assistant, is not a salaried worker. So, she gets paid by the hour, goes into overtime, time and a half, etc. The supervisor says, (in a whiny, annoying voice), "Um, S, I don't understand why T worked 65 hours last week". I answer, "Well, I worked 70 hours last week and she was you know, assisting me." She says, "Well, I know sometimes you guys hang out in the office." I interrupt, "HANG OUT? In the office? Seriously? I may hang out at a restaurant or a club but, I certainly do not hang out in the office. What I do there is work." She says, "Well, I want her to stick to her schedule as much as possible. I understand you have things to do but try to use her more during the hours she is supposed to report to work". Uh, okay.

6. Did I mention how annoying she was?

7. She couldn't do the job I currently do. Three years ago, she ran the programs I currently run. Correction, I run two other programs in addition to the ones she ran. She couldn't handle it and (I know I'm going to hell for saying this but I don't care), she cracked under the pressure. Like she LITERALLY nutted it up. (That's why I mentioned faking a nervous breakdown. Going crazy helped her, she was given a sweeter, easier position, prior to the one she currently has).

8. She says dumb things like, "Let me think about that" when I ask her a question when we both know what she really is going to do is ask our head supervisor. Why can't she just say, "I'll ask C" because I ALREADY know that's what she is going to do.

9. She likes to question all of my decisions. Mind you, she just became my supervisor like a few weeks ago. I've been running these programs since the school year began without incident now, all of a sudden, she all, "Why did you do that?" "How do you feel about that decision?" She LOVES to say things like, "When I ran those programs..." or "When I held your postion..." I ALWAYS want to answer, "You mean when you nutted it up and were hospitalized over kids? You mean those times? Mmmmm? STFU _itch

10. She STARES at me. We're having a conference, I look up and she is staring in my face. We are in a city wide conference, there are literally hundreds of people in a room, I look up and guess who is looking back? This chick is scary.

Another my job sucks post

2008-02-10T21:32:00.000-05:00

My job sucks so much that for much of this weekend, all I've been thinking about is how much I don't want to go to work tomorrow. On Friday, I thought, I don't want to go to work Monday, yesterday, I spoke about it for like two hours and tonight when I looked up and saw it was 9 o'clock, I nearly cried. Work, sucks so much.

If I quit my job right now, I have about 5 months worth of money to live on but after being unemployed before, its something I don't want to chance. But, I'm going to go crazy if I have to go to that horrible place everyday like, I really am. Thinking about not wanting to go to work two days before I have to go is horrible, really, really horrible.

I'm seriously thinking of faking a nervous break down or something so that I can go on leave.

This shit sucks.

So get this:

2008-02-04T16:09:00.001-05:00

The girl that the Brit was running around with is all over MySpace (I know I'm too old for MySpace but, everyone has an account) blasting how much she's in love with him and how great things are for them. I didn't know I cared until I saw her blogging about it like it was this great and wonderful thing.

Mind you after we found about one another, she was trying to be my friend, talking "Sis, we should hang out, blah, blah, blah" I was like, "nah, that's aiight" cause you know, I don't know that chick, what I look like hanging out with the next chick?

Then she was on this, "maybe you should forgive him, you were with him first, blah, blah, blah, you know how guys are, maybe he just made a mistake, see where it goes, blah, blah, blah". I mean, we realy had a couple of conversations about this nig and now, she's so in love with him?

What the crap is that about?

I might be moving!

2008-02-01T21:58:00.000-05:00

So, as though life isn't exciting enough, I might be moving soon. See, for the past few months or so, my house has had some serious issues. I was in the process of renovating, which was going over quite well but then, this:

happened. What the hell is that you ask? THAT, my friends is water damage. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, in the midst of all of my decorating, renovating and rearranging, water has been creeping in through the facade of the house. So, one day I go to remove my curtains after purchasing some nifty match stick blinds from a very nice home design store and (whatever noise crumbling plaster makes), there's a hole in my wall. I call the guy who fixes these things and SURPRISE, the entire back wall needs to be replaced. Isn't that special? So, 4,000 bucks and lots of plaster, dust and horrible smelling men later, this:

happens.

What the hell is that you ask? That is my bedroom ceiling, right over the lovely fireplace. One day, I'm straightening up, I look up and see a crack in the ceiling. Oooo, a crack in the ceiling I think, I better call that guy. But then I saw shoes or a bag or got hungry or something and forgot. So, on some other day, Sam and I are doing who knows what in the bedroom, for arguments sake, lets just say we're dancing. Sam looks up at the ceiling and hauls ass into the next room and since it is Black folks policy to run first ask questions later, I followed suit. No less than 45 seconds (or so) later, boom, the ceiling falls. 1,550 bucks later and sweating, unappealing men in my bedroom and all fixed.

Great! So, I decide its time to have a house inspection, don't want anymore surprises. House passes inspection, only minor things need to be fixed, fine.

So yesterday, I'm home, I'm sick, I'm laying in bed and Sam keeps barking. Shut up Sam! I'm calling him all kinds of names that one can only make up when they are sick, have a 102 temperature and are tired of hearing their little (but very loud mouthed dog) bark continuously for two hours. Finally, I get up to investigate. There is water dripping from my tenants house, into my studio and like half my ceiling is wet. Oh F! This is the last thing I want to deal with because you know, I'm sick and stuff. I call my tenants, they are not home. I call their cell phones, no answer. I call that guy, no answer. Oh F!! I call The Heavenly One because I, with my 102 temperature am not equipped to deal with this foolishness. So, I get back in the bed thinking everything will be fine. I wake up to THO shaking me, the leak has gotten worse and she hasn't gotten in touch with anyone to do anything about the leak. Oh F! As a last ditch attempt, I call Mysterious Ex because he owns a home, knows lots of folks who fix things, has gotten me people to fix things in my house before and I'M SICK, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS! So, ME gets in touch with this guy who did my water main like three years ago (wow, it still amazes me that ME and I have known each other for so long, though you know, we're not speaking anymore) so, the guy calls and says he'll be over in about an hour. Great! I get back in the bed, The Heavenly One goes downstairs to drink tea or watch tv or whatever, at that point, I really didn't care. So, Sam and I climb back into bed and BAM! this happens:

The biggest and scariest one yet.

So, I kind of feel like my house is crumbling all around me. I'm going to have workers come in and do lots of work. I mean really, the house was built in 1910, its bound to have some issues, I just think its kond of weird that this all seems to be happening like this.

So, here is the deal: my cousin owns a condo in tres chic Williamsburg. The maintenance is only 500 a month, taxes, 1100 a year so, I would give her 600 a month to cover all of that. Gas, light and electricity and included. (sweet!) I mean, her place is a lot smaller than mine. I'm leaving a whole house for a two bedroom. Sam will be really upset because right now when I go to work, I just walk him down the street to THO's where he stays for the day with her and her dog and, I REALLY like my neighborhood. Its really cool and eclectic and there are cool new things popping up every weekend.

Truthfully at this point, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I could move in with THO, she has a vacant apartment but, then I'd live with MY MOM, at 30! I don't want to upset Sam's life, I know that he'll be very upset, and probably bark all day, bothering the neighbors and such. I may:

a) do all the work that needs to be done in the house, live at my cousin's for the duration then move back

b) do the same but live at THO's

c) do all the work that needs to be done in the house, rent out my part of the house, stay at my cousin's then use the equity and extra money to by anothe house

d) not do any work (which is expensive btw) and sell my house, which has been getting on my nerves lately and get another house or condo

All in all, this really bothers me because, my job sucks, I'm still sick (I have a respitory infection) and, who wants to move?

So, I'm nut sure. Part of me wants to move because its something different and I'm always down for change however, one thing that sticks in my head is Sam. I work pretty weird hours, 10 -6 which means I'm out of the house usually between 9 - 7 and if something goes down at a school, I'm easily out in the street until about 10. I can't do that to Booger-Man. He's very accustomed to being with my mom and her dog where he plays in the yards, has a little bed and more importantly, has regular company. My nutty mother even makes her doctor's appointments INSANELY early so that the dogs are not by themselves for too long. It may seem weird to have a dog be such a factor in my decision but Sam is my baby boy, I want him to be happy.

Also, I'm not sure if there's a strong black, neo-soul, vintage-y, artsy, underground clique there, (we are STRONG in the Stuy) plus, its just cool living in Bed Stuy, W'burgh really isn't supposed to be that cool anymore.

So, I have a lot of decisions to make. I don't want to stay at my job, I may want to move, there's so much to think about.

I think I'm ready to quit my job

2008-01-28T09:07:00.000-05:00

I'm ready for something new. Believe me, a chick likes her regular paycheck. Not having a job a while back was not cool at all but, I'm tired, I'm through. That incident last week was enough for me. Here I sit at 9 in the morning sitting when I should be getting ready to leave the house. I called in and said I was going to be three hours late because I just don't want to go.

I'm ready for a change.

Work Sucks

2008-01-24T22:23:00.000-05:00

My job is sooooo stressful. I am just getting home (well, about a half hour ago) because there was some big fight after a basketball game that I had to investigate. This is the third big fight since the beginning of the New Year. I am tired of these kids. They fight over the dumbest things, "she looked at my boyfriend", "he said my mother is ugly", "I think he said my brother is gay". And I mean REALLY fight like trying to stab each other with pens, hit each other with garbage cans, or in the case of tonight, threatening to run home and get a gun. I. Think. I. Am. Done. Time to find a new job. My head hurts.

I am feeling so much better now.

2008-01-06T19:13:00.000-05:00

First, thank you to everyone for your kind words, suggestions and even for just taking the time to read what I have to write. You people rock.

So, this weekend was a good one.

Yesterday, I ran the street. I went to see a friend perform at a small place in Lower Manhattan then, I came back to the Stuy to catch a craft fair. I wanted to buy a crocheted hat but by the time I got there, there wasn't anything left. That sucked. (I have to up my crocheting game, it would be great to make my own stuff). Then, I went to a friend's store and bought the greatest bag I've bought in two weeks, the last being this green crocodile (I know, I felt bad for the crocodile too but, this bag is RIDICULOUS!) number that is... I have no words.

When I got home last night, I was sooooooooo hungry. It was ridiculous so, I ordered a pizza from dominos, right online, it was so easy, it was scary. I can just see myself now ordering pizzas at 2 in the morning online. So there, like 1 in the morning, I'm sitting on the floor with Sam and the cat (Sebastian) eating hot wings and pepperoni, onion, black olive, meatball, ham, green pepper pizza, which coincidentally became my breakfast, lunch and dinner today too.

Today, I did NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!

In an attempt to make new friends, I joined a Crafting group. A bunch of people who get together to, I guess, talk about crafting and art and share their work. Sounds cool. We were supposed to meet at a local restaurant for brunch this afternoon but, I didn't do that becuase I did NOTHING. I ate, I drank juice, I shuffled around a bit, I tried to take a nap but the cat kept jumping around so that was a no go, I ate some more, drank some more, plucked my eyebrows and managed to half wash my hair (I promise to do some au napturale updates as a few people have asked me to) and other than that, I did nothing.

So, my friend, the one who owns the store, and I were talking about the Brit yesterday. She thinks I should have a sit down talk with him as she says she REALLY likes him and thinks it is the duty of most men to act a fool. She brings up the point that he was really nice to me and how well he and I got along to prove her case. She feels if our talk goes well, I should give him another chance and then see how things go. She poins out the fact that I've given Ian (Mysterious Ex) 3-4 years of try agains. I pointed out that M.E. never had another woman involved in our relationship (not that I recall) our foolishness was OUR foolishness (or rather his). I'm not sure how I feel about speaking with the Brit face to face. I'm not sure how I feel about the possibility of giving him another chance. Honesty is very important to me. The weird thing is, if he had just told me, I dig you but I'd like to see other people, this entire situation wouldn't bother me that much, not at all but, the fact that he INSISTED that we be exclusive then I find out he's chatting up other chicks and running around town with some other broad, I just can't deal with that.

So, this same friend wants to hook me up with her cousin. Her cousin is a chef, a nice guy, I've known him or a bit of time. He actually came to the Christmas party I threw a few weeks back. He's tall, works at some fancy restaurant in the city and has his own catering business. He's nice looking, very nice looking, tall, owns a brownstone (in a nicer part of the Stuy than I do, not that I'm a gold digger but, his house HAS to be worth like 850 now) and apparently, he digs me.

Now, I'll rewind, over the summer, in the midst of the M.E. stuff right around the time I met the Brit, my friend, we'll call her B, kept talking about her cousin A. "You should meet A." "Wait 'til he sees you, you're his type." "He needs a good woman in his life." etc. We met probably in September but, I was real deep into the Brit so, he was just some dude, I wasn't very interested. At my Christmas party, he sat near me when I sat down. When he came and when he left, he gave me this big hug. He was checking out my stuff, he complimented my taste in furniture, my newly renovated kitchen (which is FINALLY done, and remember, he's a chef so a compliment on the kitchen is a BIG thing) and, the last time I saw him, I asked "how are you?" and he answered, (I SWEAR!) "much better now that I'm in your presence", (he was holding my hand in BOTH his hands and looking RIGHT into my eyes when he said this) of course I just giggled and said "go on" like the good girl I am, hee hee. Then, when I left, he gave me apeck on the cheek. B says he's a bit intimidated by me because I'm young (I'm 30, he's 42). He thinks:
A) I'll think he's too old for me
B) I'm cute (he thinks I'm cute!) and I have a bunch of men in my wait
C) I'm career oriented (men think anyone not working at McDonalds is career oriented) and may not want a relationship

Someone told me he was talking about me not very long ago (maybe a week). According to this person he went on about how intelligent and stylish I am, how I have great taste and how I'm a "good girl" cause he sees me with my mom, with Sam and doing nice wholesome activities. I thought the "wholesome activities" part was hilarious.

So, I have his number. I was thinking of calling him but, I've never called a man first, what do I say? What do we talk about? Do I just ask him out? I'm not sure. I'd like to be bad ass and call him, set up a date and everything but truthfully, I'm not that bad ass, at least I don't think I am. As sad as I was the other day, I'm not going to let that get me down for long. I'm going to keep moving.

A New Year

2008-01-02T22:16:00.000-05:00

I am trying to remain positive and be upbeat. When I am with other people, it is very easy, I laugh, make jokes, enjoy being around them but, when I am by myself, it hurts a lot and admittedly, I have been crying a lot. I just finished crying as a matter of fact. It doesn't make me feel much better but, it does feel as though some heaviness has been alleviated, even if only for a little bit of time.

I continuously try to see the good in people but, it is very hard when I always come across people that I can't seem to find much good in.

I spoke briefly wih the Brit and (surprise!) I spoke with the other girl. He keeps pledging all of this love and affection for me, telling me that he wants me, wants to be with me but apparently, he's been telling this girl the same things.

I am convinced there is something wrong with me. It is IMPOSSIBLE that one person can continuously run into the same foolishness time and time again. I even found myself texting Ian (Mysterious Ex) tonight. Yeah, it got THAT bad. I'm not sure what hearing from him is supposed to do for me but admittedly, I am just very lonely very tired and very hurt. I'm not sure how much more I have to give to anyone. Myself included.

Its VERY official

2007-12-20T15:15:00.001-05:00

I've been duped yet again. Wow! I almost can't believe it.

So...

2007-12-19T21:07:00.000-05:00

I'm 30, yay! Not much has changed, not that I expected it to. Work is work, life is life, Sam is Sam. I'm not really sure what's going on with the Brit. As nice and sweet and charming as he seemed, it seems I wasn't the only woman he is being nice and sweet and charming to. We haven't spoken in a few weeks, things just got really weird. At first, it didn't bother me much, at least I tried not to let it do so but, las night, I laid in bed and I cried, I cried, I cried, I cried. It really hurt and I did my best to let it all out.

Tonight I had to go to a function and my mom, The Heavenly One, being the suportive can of wonderful she is came out to be supportive of me. At the function, other women my age were there with their husbands, fiancees and that hurt a lot. I'm just tired still of the same old shit, the same old experiences, the same old nothing.

I have reassessed myself and my life, my thoughts, my actions and I can honestly say, I don't think I'm doing anything entirely wrong to keep attracting all of this bullshit and horribleness into my life. I even spoke to Ian (Mysterious Ex) about whats going on with me and even that dude was like, honestly, you're really really great, you're a wonderful person, you're a good woman, I just think men don't know what to do with you. You make people think about all of the things they are lacking in their lives, you're just really well put together, at least, that's the way I saw it, like I couldn't give you anything you didn't already have. So, I'm back to that shit. Too good for my own good I guess. Its just sad, I'm not really sure what else to say so, I'll leave it at that.

4 Days until my birthday

2007-11-22T21:22:00.000-05:00

Its Thanksgiving and everyone is at my place. What does it say that they are all in the kitchen and dining room and I am in the office typing this?

I feel a little distant today. A bit not here. I tried to laugh and talk but, it wasn't coming so freely so, I'm in here typing this and listening to Jill Scott's newest album.

My Brit is back in England. Sadly, his sister was hurt in a car accident. His entire family went back home from all over the world. He says she isn't too bad but, he hasn't given me any details as of yet.

I'm not sure how I feel about turning thirty. I mean, of course I prefer it to the alternative but, it kind of reminds me of all the things I though I would do by thirty that I still haven't done. Well, actually, the biggest thing which is/was get married and have babies. I don't want to harp on that again. But, I'm honest with myself and honestly, I really feel that is what is bothering me today. I guess being around my family and seeing everyone with their significant other and their babies, makes me kind of sad. Partially, I was looking forward to spending this weekend, my nirthday weekend and the holiday with the Brit but, since he is not here, that isn't going to be a possibility. I don't want to sound upset, I do understand that his sister is in not very good shape and needs the support of her family at this time but, it would have been nice to actually spend a birthday with someone I enjoyed.

Ian (Mysterious Ex) called me last night and this morning. I just let the phone ring. I'm not sure of his purpose in calling me but, I just wan't in the mood to listen to whatever foolishness he felt like throwing at me. I'm through with him and his bullshit.

So, as of right now, I don't have any plans for my birthday, poor me. I guess I'll think of something.

12 days to go until my birthday

2007-11-14T20:27:00.000-05:00

and all continues to be well. Believe it or not, Mysterious Ex, tried to come back on the scene. He called me one day to ask how I was doing and since he is a computer whiz, I asked about an external hard drive. He said he would pick one up for me and never the one to deny free crap, I said okay. He came over to drop off the hard drive. We hugged, he kissed me on my forehead, we spoke for a few minutes and then out of no where he said he loved me, wanted to be with me, he knows taht for years he's been back and forth, in and out of my life but this time, he was sure, he knew more than anything else in this world that he wanted to be with me. And... he CRIED. HE CRIED ACTUAL TEARS. I just looked at him because I was so shocked. I know for a fact that a year ago, two years ago, hell, a few months ago had he come up with this charade of his, I would have been happier than Sam after a good roll inthe dirt but, I looked at him, told him I was flattered but, "it" wasn't there anymore. "I can't believe I'm saying this to you" I told him but, we are not to be, I'm okay now. And, I've been correct. Of course, I care for him, I love him, I want him to be happy but, I don't want him, not anymore. So, after four long, hard years, the thing with Ian (Mysterious Ex, M.E.) is REALLY over.

Things with The Brit have been GREAT! I ADORE him. He has been such a gentleman, so wonderful, so kind, so sweet, so honest and real. It truly is a pleasure to know him, spend time with him, exchange emails with him even just thinking about him. I know I sound mushy but, I don't care. I am in deep like, he says he is in love but, we'll see how things progress.

I am proud to say that I have stopped all of the foolishness from last month even though admittedly, sometimes it is slightly hard, I won't lie. I often get the urge to NOT accept his compliments or NOT allow him to adore me but, I remind myself to just relax, enjoy the moment and go with the flow. Today, we were exchanging emails during working hours and I told him "I like you. A lot." He answers "I LOVE you." I answer, "Go on" he answers, "I'm serious. I'm going to love you, worship you to my dying day. Seriously." Eek! Makes a girl want to squeal. But sincerely, it is wonderful to be part of something so sweet and gentle. I've had a lot of foolishness in my life and this is a very welcome change. As stated before, even if nothing comes of this I am enjoying this moment. I am enjoying this now.

One month and one day to go

2007-10-25T08:15:00.000-05:00

until my 30th birthday. What joy. :| So, life has been... okay I suppose. Though I haven't much to complain about. I am healthy, happy, and still ravishing as ever (joking of course). The new position is going well though, I am busy as crap every day. I took my locs out since my hair didn't seem to be locking properly. I haven't given Sam a hair cut in about a month so, his hair is longer than its been in a really long time. I've bought the most fabulous fall clothes since it sincerely looks like I'll never get into a size 16/18 again. But, I'm even okay with that. My bum is looking rather scrumptious if I do say so myself since I've found the most comfortable heels and can wear them for longer periods of the day than I normally wear three to four inchers.

Things with the new guy have been honestly...okay. Well, let me re-phrase, things between us are going VERY well. He's very bright, really nice, cute and has the hugest, nappiest afro ever (which I LOVE). He's such a fashionista (maybe fashionisto since, you know, he's a guy) and continuously recognizes when I am wearing quality, vintage, artsy items AND compliments me on them (which I REALLY LOVE). He's considerate, and kind, and sweet, and honestly, I haven't been treated so kindly by another person in a REALLY long time. It's sad to say but, I FORGOT how it felt to be treated with such kindness, and spoken to so gently, and appreciated, and even handled so well. It truly has been a pleasure.

Now, the bad part, and I can honestly say, it comes from me this time, I am woman enough to admit it. About two weeks or so ago, he and I went out to dinner, he came to pick me up, and we went to this great place in my neighborhood. An older friend of mine (this woman is talented, funny, ridiculously smart and, SOOOOO intuitive, she is a great friend/auntie) owns a store about a block away from the restaurant so we went to visit her briefly before we went to eat. I introduced them, she gave me a big hug and kiss, we spoke for about five minutes, then, we went out the door. Last week, about a week later, I go visit her again and she asks, "where is S?" (he is in London currently, oh, yes, he is British), I tell her he is away. When are you going to get him back here? She asks. I laugh and ask Why? Because, she says, that man is your husband. I laugh and laugh you know, because it was sort of funny to me, not in a ewww, he can't be MY husband type of way, but in a oh, go on girl type way. So, she says, honey, I'm not playing with you, when that man gets back here, you do what he says and wrap that up, he is for you, you are for him. But, she tells me, you have to trust, I know its hard but trust him, he is sincere. Then, she goes on to describe something that made me really reflect on myself. She says, last week when y'all were here, when you all were leaving, he reached out for your arm to help you down the stairs, and you grabbed your purse instead of allowing him to help you. The poor man didn't know what to do so, he put his hand in his pocket. I hadn't realized I did that. Then, she continues, I watched you as you went down the street, and you kept your hands to yourself, you didn't reach out to him, touch him, you didn't walk "into" him as you should, don't chase this man away, he's good, I like him a hell of a lot better than any of them other ones I've seen you with. This really made me think. Then I thought of all of the times he's pulled out my chair and I told him he didn't have to. Or when he's gone to open the car door for me and I've told him it was okay. Or, any of the times when in the midst of conversation he's commented, you are so bright, and I've told him to stop. Or, sometimes when we are just sitting there and he's commented on how beautiful or stylish or wonderful he's found me and I've said stop again. Then, I thought of how he told me, he likes to send me email because he can say all of the things he wants to tell me without me stopping or hushing him.

So, have I been changed in some way by all of the horrible men I've dated? I guess the answer would be of course! Have I been so conditioned to accepting bullshit that when a sincere, nice and wonderful person shows up, I can't accept it as it is? I am not one of those women who will say "he's too nice" but, am I trying to get him to play down his niceness? And, why is his being nice, appreciative, affectionate, kind, so disturbing to me? Why can't I allow him to be who he wants to be? I am in turn, being like all of those men I've dated in the past who tried to take me from my element or downplay the person that I am. The ones that I've complained about and not understood. That is now me. He's has been away for a bit over a week now and we have spoken, exchanged email. I've promised to myself, to NOT be that person. I sill not stifle his actions or words AND, I will allow myself to be free to express what I want and how I feel. I've noticed I don't allow myself to do those things, I suppose out of fear of being hurt. This is a learning experience. Whether or not he and I actually go anywhere, I am enjoying the experience NOW. I am relishing in our togetherness for this period. And if nothing else, my spirit has been shaken up a bit. My emotions have been genuinely touched, my thoughts and actions for this period of time are and will be pure. As always, I am going with the flow and taking what I can from this moment.

So...

2007-09-26T22:32:00.000-05:00

As predicted by many, myself included, the thing with Mysterious Ex is over. It was mutual though, we are not angry at one another, just knew that things would not work. The last day he was over here, I made dinner (greek salad, veggie pizza and gnocchi with gorgonzola sauce), and while I was heating up the dessert (oversized cinnamon buns), I realized, this isn't going to work. He isn't HIM. Admittedly, this made me a bit sad so, I got in the bed, right while he was here and everything. We spoke a bit then the next day, boom, that's it, we aren't going to try anymore. I just realized that as much as I like/love him, he wasn't ever going to be able to give me what I wanted. It wasn't an idea of me being picky, or demanding or unyielding, it just wasn't for us to be. He wants to be friends but, I am going through the motions of working that out in my head. I am not angry at him but, can I see him as just a friend? Not that I would lust over him or anything but, how would my heart and head react to him? I'm not sure.

So...My new job is SO demanding. Its like, I NEVER have time for lunch. I BARELY have time to pee during the day and the other day, my supervisor asked me to take on an additional site. I really can't do it. I'm not sure if she thinks I'm some kind of super woman, or if she's going to try to milk me until I can't give anymore but, I really can't do it. It honestly is going to be a no, or I quit type of situation too. Case in point, the position that I currently have was held by someone three years ago who had a nervous break down on the job, why? She couldn't handle the pressure. She was replaced by someone who did the job and did it pretty well I might add. Now, I have the position but, in addition to the last person's duties, I am also responsible for the duties of my former position PLUS the new position and she wants me to take on additional duties. It simply isn't possible, it really can't be done, at least not by me. I know when to chip in for the team and when I am being taken advantage of and this to me seems very much as though someone is trying to take advantage of me, something I simply can't allow.

So.. there, as always, is a new guy around. Won't speak too much about it yet because, ya know, shit always goes down. This one is bit differnt though, at least I think so. I'll just have to see.

Also very cool: I went to see Maya Azucena last night!

She performed with Honey LaRochelle at this funky little restaurant in my neighborhood (I don't say this often but, yay! at least slightly to gentrification!). The show was awsome, this is the second time I've gone to see Maya and, she actually came by my table and said hi to me, ( I guess because I clapped when she came in the door) she is super cute (gorgeous really) and very sweet. She and her friend Honey (these girls can sang their asses off, you hear me O-F-F) did a GREAT set of some of their individual songs, then some classics and some of the most awesome freestyles ever! So Yay! I finally got her new CD from her, it was sold out on CD Baby then in the quest for the perfect shoes, coats, bags and redoing my kitchen, I really forgot to pick it up. Check her out!

Okay

2007-08-28T21:15:00.000-05:00

So, I got a promotion. I wanted about 8 thousand more but, I settled for 6. Something told me I shouldn't settle but, I wasn't in the mood for a horrible fight over money.

And again, Mysterious Ex and I are seeing one another. I KNOW I'm crazy with the back and forth thing. I KNOW that I keep saying I have doubts but, we have sincerely been speaking. I truly don't think he is playing games, I just can't see someone going to the lengths to which he is going/has gone to just play games with someone. I've been going through a lot emotionally lately and, he has been so supportive in so many ways. He has really gone above and beyond my expectations of him. I must admit I was and still am surprised.

I will not say that we are a couple but I will say that I depend on him somewhat, I know that I love him, I know that he loves me, its just a matter I think of either acknowledging the situation and parting ways or establishing what I consider to be a real relationship. Through our conversations, we want the same things, but on a different time line. He is a man and as such, he has ample time to have children and do the things he would like to do in life. Me being a woman, a fat woman with fibroids (which have shrunk by the way, woo hoo to healthier living) I am limited in my time for family and child birth. I will be thirty in three months. I've already made the decision to move forward with conception of a child whether or not I am married. I have already decided my future on the chance their isn't a Mr. GoddessNoir in the picture. But, I would like him to be my Mr. GoddessNoir.

Gratuitous and awful picture of Sam

Big Surprise!

2007-08-17T20:28:00.000-05:00

Mysterious Ex is still a child. I orginally thought I sensed growth and development but sadly, I was very wrong.

I wanted things to go well. I had very high hopes for us this time. I am disappointed but, I'll take this and continue on.

Confession Part 2 - Now with 60% more Doubt!

2007-08-10T10:34:00.000-05:00

Why am I doing this? Last night, someone asked me, "why are you back tracking?" Is it that I am lonely and will not admit it to myself? Is it just because I've been having such a horrible time in the dating area of my life?

Thus far, M.E. and I have only been talking, nothing much. I was at first very optimistic thinking, this time will be different, he's matured, we've both grown but, I am having serious doubts, as I should. I mean, how many times have I walked down this road? How many times have I cried and hurt over this man? Why am I even allowing him back into my life? I was bdginnig to feel myself feel the twinges of love again. I was beginning to feel myself forget all of the foolishness we have been through and just want to be again, be what? I don't really have an answer for that. I guess be what we never were. Someone asked me, how do you know he just isn't saying what he thinks you want to hear? How can you think someone who you feel was not truthful with you before will be truthful with you now? I sincerely don't have answeres for those questions. I sincerely don't know what to say.

I can only go by what I feel. I feel that he is being truthful with me. I sincerely can't see someone waiting around for 15 months to just fuck with another person's life again. I can't see someone waiting 15 months to tell more lies, to disrupt someone's life. I sincerely just can't see that.

At this point, I am not sure what to feel or what to think. I am of course not certain of my thoughts or choices which is something I HATE. The only thing that I can do is go through the motions I guess. I don't want to banish him from my life again, especially if there is real growth but, I don't want to be hurt again. I don't know if I can take that.

Confession

2007-08-05T00:13:00.000-05:00

I've been seeing Mysterious Ex again.

I probably shouldn't but, I have anyway.

We've been talking a lot, like for hours and hours and our dates are all talking dates.

We have been sharing a LOT of information.

We have been spending a lot of time together.

Its so weird how we are able to pick right up and feel very comfortbale around each other.

I'm hoping things will be right this time.

A farmer's market in Bed Stuy?

2007-07-21T18:12:00.000-05:00

YES! A farmer's market in BedStuy. Sam and I walked over this morning to check out the wares. It's very small, like really, really small. There isn't a WHOLE lot to choose from but, there was a decent variety and the people working there are very nice. Today, I bought: Cherries, 2 bucks a lb, peaches, 2 bucks a lb, corn, 5 for 2 bucks or 50 cent an ear, a pint of blueberries, 4 bucks and zucchini which was 79 cents a pound. Not bad, We then headed over to BreadStuy and bought a cracked wheat loaf. Then whe headed over to this unnamed store I found a while back and chatted with the owner and her husband who are fantastic people. I bought a great necklace and a beautiful bag, which her husband makes himself. I put thos on hold though since truthfully, I didn't have that much money on me since Sam and I WERE just going to the Farmer's market. We laughed and talked then went over to The Heavenly One's house to share the bounty, eat bread, butter, jam and tea. Then, we came home, I put up groceries, then we took a much needed nap.

I'm having this weird tooth ache. It isn't bad, but just a bit tender and swollen. It's my stupid wisdom tooth which hasn't bothered me in years, I've already threatened it to stop its foolishness because, and I am very serious about this, I AM NOT HAVING MY WISDOM TOOTH PULLED! Sure won't. Lets hope this salt water rinse and anbesol helps.

So, I responded to Mysterious Ex. My response was: I am well. My mom is well. I wasn't trying to be a smart ass, I just know where this may lead if I open myself to it and I really just don't have the energy or the emotional stamina to deal with him again. As great as that man can be. He is VERY tiring. I know that I complain about the men I date but, I know this sounds like a cliche but I would honestly rather be by myself than knowingly in a horrible relationship. Things were not good with M.E. They never were. I know that three years have passed since the beginning of our relationship (yes, three years) and its been an entire year+ plus since we've broken up but, I don't think he has changed. He and I just were not supposed to be, we would not have had so much strife to begin with if were, right?

Wow!

2007-07-20T13:50:00.000-05:00

So, today I get to work. I finish up a report I have been working on. Then I sit back to play on line because, I really don't have much to do. I check out this vintage forum that I go to to see what they're talking about, then, I check my email. I open my mail and there is an email from...... Mysterious Ex! WTF! I was ridiculously surprised because I was just talking about him with my cousin T the other day. It was like, weird and stuff.

So, What does the email say you ask? I'm thinking about posting it, I've done that in the past. But since I'm supposed to be going through growth and development and what not, a small side of me says that immature. Let's just say, if I were still a dumb bitch (which I'm hoping I'm not) I would believe him. Its gushy and mushy and full of all kinds of stuff my romantic silly little heart wants to hear but, my brain, the logic, the thinker of this tank say BULLSHIT! the old me would throw a complimentary (nigga) on the end of that sentence but since I'm supposed to be righteous and stuff, I won't use that word.

So, what possesses someone to email another person that they've fucked over out of the blue? I've never had the urge to call or mail someone that I was done with. I'm going to go mull this one over some more.

I know I go through this every so often but,

2007-07-19T04:40:00.001-05:00

I really am tired of meeting such assholes. It's SO annoying.

Dating Story # Kabillion and one

2007-07-16T21:22:00.000-05:00

New month, new guy, same shit.

This one was named B.

We went out a few times. During one phone conversation, he montioned that I "lived a very comfortable life style". I asked what that meant. He answered "you seem to have a lot of things together". I answered "I'm a nearly 30 year old woman, I should have some things together". I didn'thear from him for a few days. I called him to ask what was up. He answered, I seemed to not "need" a man in my life. I seemed to be okay by myself. I asked, what does that mean? He answered, you know, you have a lot going on. I asked, like what? He answered, I don't know, you just have stuff, what do you need me for? I answered, okay.

The end.

Dating Story # Kabillion

2007-06-30T11:58:00.000-05:00

So, being the forever optimist I am, I can never leave well enough alone. I say that I am not going to date anymere but then, I do.

Over the past month, I've dated two guys.

The first guy, S, seemed nice but, he was rather smallish. I said I would stop looking at things like that and go for personality, morals, etc. We met but instantly, I felt more as though he were my cousin than anything else. Also, he was 27, which made me feel a bit weird since I've never dated anyone younger than me. We went out a few times, he was nice, and smart but, I wasn't attracted to him at all and, he didn't have much experience with women so, I always felt a bit weird around him. I told him I liked him as a person but that there wasn't any attraction on my part to him as a date-able guy. We hung out a few more times and then pffffttt. Nothing. He got angry at me because I didn't like him "like that" and sent me a few childish text messages. But, I shot that down quick, letting him know text messages weren't real communication and that he was indeed behaving like the child I orignally thought him to be. That shut him up.

About a week later, I met this other guy who I was REALLY into for like the first week. He was so smart and deep, and spiritual, we spoke on the phone everyday for hours at a time and went out on like four dates the first week we met one another. Then the second week came and he showed up at my house dead drunk. Huh? What's this? Not knowing what to do, I didn't want to send him home driving while he was intoxicated, I let him sleep on my couch. He went home the next morning and told me he was just feeling upset the night before, he had a bit too much to drink. Okay. We spoke on the phone and I could tell he was drinking then on our next date, he reeked of alcohol. Not good stuff at all. He then told me (surprise!) he had a problem with alcohol. He'd been in and out of rehab three or four times but his drinking was something he felt he could handle. I played along for about a week then one day, he didn't pick me up as he said he would. When he called me later that evening, (surprise again!) he was drunk. I tried (I really did) to see his drinking as something he was dealing with. Something that was not apart of him, something that was just a fault of his like a bad memory. But then I realized, I was falling into that same trap I always get myself into; making excuses for someone. Trying to fix someone. So, I kindly told him things weren't going to work for me. I can not and will not be someone's appeaser. It wasn't fair to me as a person and he shouldn't expect me, a virtual stranger to take on his problems. I let him know I thought he was a nice guy but, he was not ready for me.

So, here I am again. At square one. At not al all discouraged. :)

Yuck!

2007-06-06T10:57:00.000-05:00

My cousin has a new girlfriend and I DO NOT LIKE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, this is my absolute best friend cousin. I don't like the way things have been between us and most of it stems from her relationship with this woman. My cousin and I have been best friends since we were teeny tiny kids. We have not had an argument since we were like ten best last night, we argued...because of this chick.

Okay, they met about four months ago and already, they've decided to live together. Let me re-phrase that, they've done more than DECIDED to live together, since they are ALREADY living together. When they first met and my cousin spoke of her, I thought, I guess she's a nice girl, I don't know her or anything but, from what T says of her, I guess she seems okay. But then, this girl begins to get REALLY insistent. She emails me, through my My Space page, telling me "we've got to meet!" I really though that was kind of rude. I figured, when it was time to meet with her, my cousin and I would put together since MY COUSIN, not she, is my friend. I told my cousin she mailed me, asked my cousin to ask her not to do that again and then, I did not answer her. This all occurrd prior to them moving in together. Now, I am REALLY big on vibes, energy, etc. and there really is just something about this girl that just was not sitting correctly with me. Then, I see a picture of her, and again, there is something that just isn't right. I can't pinpoint it but, it is rare that I get feelings like this but when I get them, I follow with them because I honestly believe it is my spirit or something greater than me letting me know something I need to pay attention to.

So then, three months into their relationship, my cousin announces to me (I knew she would before she told me), she and this girl are moving in together. I was very unhappy about this and things between my cousin and I got weird for about two weeks. In the midst of this weirdness, this girl emails me again, basically saying the same thing, 'we need to get together, it is imperative that we meet, etc.' I told my cousin her girlfriend mailed me and read her the response I sent to her girlfriend, BEFORE sending it to her girlfriend. When I asked my cousin if she thought my response was rude, she responded, "it's fine".

My response was something to the effect of:

I say this not to be mean, or rude, or unkind.

T and I are working on things between us right now. When it is time for you and I to meet, she will let you know.

Many Blessings
Ase

Now, the 'many blessings' and 'ase' are very important because I am wishing her peace and love and good energy.

Fast forward to this weekend. I had a get together, nothing really big, just a few close friends. I invited my cousin and hr girlfriend of course. So,

#1 - They get there about 4 hours late
#2 - When they walk in, her girlfriend is ice grilling me, looking at me in this weird way so I of course, shout down. I'm wondering, why is she looking at me like this, what's up with her?
#3 - The rest of the evening, she is looking at me in this very weird way

After they leave, a friend of mine mentions that the energy in the room shifted as soon as this girl came in. She said she felt me across the room and that she'd never felt me feel like this before.

Two days later, my cousin tells me that her girlfriend felt I was being rude to her. She says that I didn't make eye contact with her all night, didn't offer her anything to eat or drink and that she was trying to get my attention all evening but I didn't pay attention to her. Oh, and she says I didn't speak one on one with her.

#1 - When they came in, I, like I did to everyone, showed them the table where all of the food was set up. I made, pizzas, fried ravioli - (cheese, chicken and lobster), crab salad, salad, sushi, chimichangas and drinks where in the fridge. Everything was laid out buffet style, I saw her eating, quite a few times I might add. How didn't I offer her food? Everyone was told, drinks were in the fridge. When people wanted drinks, they went to the fridge to get them. EVERYONE did this. I saw her and my cousin I might add drink more than a few times.

#2 - I BARELY spoke one on one with anyone. A friend of mine sat near me she and I exchanged a few sentnces but didn't have an entire conversation going on. A friend of mine's boyfriend was sitting near me, again he and I spoke a bit but, nothng on going. My cousin pulled me into my bedroom and spoke with me for a few minutes (at which time, she didn't mention anything about me being rude). My date spoke with me alone briefly but for the most part, it was a very group oriented event. We all spoke together, laughed and got along. She even participated a little bit.

#3 - Anyone that knows me knows that coming into my house in and of itself is a big thing. My house has a very open floor plan so almost everything is visible from a certain vantage point if you are on either floor. I have altars in my house and so people realize that when they come into my home, they are also coming into my temple, very serious business. If I invite you into my home, in short, it is REALLY a big deal.

So tell me after all of this, how was I rude? I'm just so vexed right now because this girl is a BIG drama queen. I HATE her. Bitch.

Got this from

2007-04-28T15:56:00.000-05:00

http://ablackgirlnotbeingaverage.blogspot.com/

great reading.

You can only type one word

1. Where is your cell phone: desk

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: none

3. Your hair: nappy

4. Favorite store: lane bryant

5. Your father: spirit

6. Your favorite thing: contentmen

7. Your dream last night: sensual

8. Your favorite drink: tea

9. Your dream car: red

10. The room you're in: living

11. Your last ex: unknown

12. You are: free

13. What do you want to be in 10 years: content

14. Who did you hang out with last night: Sam

15. What you're not: lost

16. Muffin: banana nut

17. One of your wish list items: diningroomchairs

18. The last thing you did: read

19. What are you wearing: houseclothes

20. Your TV: off

21. Your pet is: sleep

22. Your computer: fly

23. Your life: complete

24. Your mood: grooving

25. MISSING: love

26. What are you thinking about right now: thislist

27. Your car: none

30. Your summer: planned

31. Your relationship status: developing

32. Your favorite color: red

33. When is the last time you laughed: morning

34. Last time you cried: awhile

35. Work: okay

Wow, it has been such a LOOOONG time!

2007-04-28T14:59:00.000-05:00

So, I have been CRAZY busy lately. My new job (well not so new anymore) just seems to have taken over much of my life. I thought I would get used to the hours but I haven't really.

Bullet points on what has happened so far:

I lost 20 pounds
My hair has grown a lot
My bathroom is finished!
My kitchen is not :''(
My new job is great!
The hours are terrible
An old friend of mine and I started talking and hanging out again
I've been saving lots of money
My tenants have been paying their rent on time
Nothing horrible has happened to the house
I've reignited my connection to my spirituality
I have two new really great friends
My cousin is in love and may have found her version of "the one"
I got a new dining room table (for REALLY cheap too)
I met a few new guys
They all turned out to be liars (except one, he and I just didn't work out) one turned out to be homeless, VERY long story
I reconnected with an ex (he's still a liar)
Reconnected with a guy I kind of dated
Things are still up in the air with him
I've met some really great acquaintences
I'm getting a raise next year (school year so, September)
I've been mostly happy!

Not Quite There Yet

2007-02-24T08:41:00.000-05:00

So, the bathroon sink is installed, it's really nice and I LOVE it. I've been going back and forth running (wasting) water in it for the past few days. The floors are installed, now just a few tile need to be put back in place and the over the mirror light put in then, voila, bathroom will be done.

It is such a pain in the ass having someone else in the house, banging stuff, tracking dirt all over the place, yuck. So here is a picture of the nearly finished project. Forgive me for not cleaning off the dirt before snapping the pic but, I SWEAR I didn't see that when I took the picture (hence needing the over the mirror light installed) also, those two white patches are the old soap dish and a space that had to be knoced into in order to install the new water pipes. After this is done, in the next few days or so, I'll finish up the kitchen which looks pretty sorry about now.

So, I decided briefly to give the old dating thing a try again. This guy has been pursuing me for a while, continuously trying to get my number, asking me out so, what the hell, I gave him my number. So, for most of this week it has been "what are you doing this weekend? I want to see you. I want to spend time with you. I want to get to know you, blah blah." Fine, he suggests we meet Friday for dinner, "come on, I just want to go somewhere with you, get to know you". That was Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. So yesterday was Friday, and guess what? (No big surprise), no date. WTF is up with that? Why do guys do that? It wasn't a big deal though, I did a little shopping, met up with some friends for dinner came home, had a bath and some ice cream and got some much needed and really good sleep. So once again, I give up.

I've been invited to a party tonight and though I'm not normally the partying type, I'm going to go. At the very least, I'll get to wear one of the many, many going out outfits that I rarely get to wear.

I've been putting off sewing for weeks and now, though I haven't even begun, I am behind schedule. I wanted to crank out at least two spring/summer dresses by this time of the year but, I haven't.

I'm going to give my house a GOOD cleaning today. I normally clean on Saturdays but today, I'm going to get a ne corn broom (as soon as the stores open) and clean up and down the walls, get some old shit out of here. I've rearranged my house, I'm renovating but, I think there is old shit (energy, something) in here that needs to get out and so that will be my mission today. And, I need to give Sam a bath.

Blech!

2007-02-06T22:25:00.000-05:00

I have decided to throw in the towel when it comes to dating. I have been dating for since I was 18 (though technically I was in a relationship for about 7 of those 11 years) and I am seriously tired of meeting the kinds of men I do. I'm not really even sure what it is. I meet people who seem very nice in the beginning but then all of a sudden, for whatever reason, everything goes to bust. I have not yet to date had a serious adult relationship. The "relationships" that I have been involved in have all been childish, full of lies and stupidity (not on my part).

The last three guys that I have met and sort of dated turned out to be flakes. One guy and I realy took the time to get to know one another. We spoke for hours, hung out, then I don't know what happened, I just haven't been hearing from him so, I left it alone. The next guy seemed really nice, he had a bit of a limp so initially, I was a bit hesitant about dating him. He kept going on and on about how he wnated someone to get to know him for him, how he wanted to be loved and appreciated for the person he was. Okay, fine. We dated for about a month or so, and I was under the impression things were going okay then, phone calls turned into text messages and those turned into nothing. Okay. Then, I met someone who again seemed nice. We went out once where he tells me, "I have something to tell you, I know you're going to be a bit upset". Okay I answer. "I've got two kids, I didn't tell you because I wanted to get to know you." Ooooooookay. So, I think I'm through. I just live a life of solitude and celibacy because honestly, I just can't take this.

I Can't Sleep!

2007-01-19T03:06:00.000-05:00

I've been doing this weird thing lately. If I go to sleep too early, before 11, I wake up in the middle of the night and just lay there, doing nothing. If I go to sleep late, after 12, I'm tired in the morning and can't get out of bed, it's so annoying.

I have been spending money like crazy! I am redecorating my bathroom and kitchen and (big shocker!) I have really expensive taste. I purchased one of those vessel sinks for my bathroom

though mine is gold and not yet installed. New flooring, like a sandstone, new tub fixtures, new sink cabinet and new toilet. I need to get new light fixtures and a new medicine cabinet but, next pay day.

For my kitchen, I bought a new vintage stove, new vintage fridge and vintage accessories, canisters, toaster, mixer, etc. I need to buy new kitchen cabinets (which should really put a hurting on my pockets) and probably some other new stuff, table, breakfast bar, etc.

So, for the most part, I've been loving my new job. I still don't like the hours but, my position is not hard at all, the pay and benefits are good and my co-workers are pretty good. I think my mood for the most part has been good. I've felt okay.

I don't seem to be losing any weight. I'm not gaining any (always a good thing) but, I'm doing a whole lot more than I was and I'm not eating crazy amounts of food. My body just seems to like being at this weight though I still want to get back to my regular size. For the most part, I try to stick with fruit and vegetables and water for the bulk of the day. I may have some soda or juice at night but nothing serious. According to my pedometer, I'm walking between 12,000 and 16,000 steps a day, (and this is only from the time I leave the house until I take off my clothes when I get home which is about 20 minutes after I step foot in the house) depending on how much desk work I have to do in a given day. In addition to this, I've once again been doing my power yoga so what the deal is? I'm not sure.

Nothing new on the dating scene. I met a few people here and there but as always, same bull.

I bought some new furniture for my living room also. Two new chairs, a new coffee table and a tv stand and computer desk I found on craigslist for a hundred bucks delivered to my door!

I'm going to try to get back to sleep since I'm supposed to be up in about 3 hours.

This is retarded.

2007-01-02T00:52:00.000-05:00

At 6 in the evening I was SOOOOOOO sleepy, I could barely keep my eyes open. Now at 1 in the morning, I'm wide awake, not even thinking about sleep.

Ahhhh....

2006-12-29T16:59:00.000-05:00

Heaven is:

getting home early from work
a large cup of hot chocolate and
a glazed donut from Dunkin Donuts.

For the past few days or so, I've been feeling sort of bleh.

2006-12-21T08:06:00.000-05:00

I have to be to work in less than two hours but I'm sitting here in my robe writing this. Maybe it's because the end of the year is near but, I've just been kind of wallowing in my own shit. It's like for whatever reason, old hurts have been coming up and I don't like it at all. I don't like to dwell on stuff, especially old stuff but this isn't my doing, it just comes up and then it's there. Last night, I cried before falling asleep. Actually, I was kind of teary eyed all day. One of the kids I service gave me a huge hug yesterday and said I was the best teacher (all adults who deal with kids within schools are considered teachers in the kids eyes, even if the adult isn't really a teacher) he ever had. That made me cry. When coming home, I thought about a little girl I had to refer to additional services because her family is going through evictions proceedings, (something I've done many times) and that made me cry. Then last night, I took a shower, put on my night gown, flipped Sam into bed (I do that everynight and he loves it) and just the fact that I was going to bed alone again got to me. That made me cry. Believe me, I'm not the lonely type but, it just gets a bit frustratign sometimes, I'm not sure if its because I'm single or because life as I know it hasn't turned out to be ANYTHING like I planned it our hoped it would be.

I know that I would rather be by myself than put up with the dumb shit that I've come acorss in recent years, believe me. I know that I'm not down on myself for "being single" because that too isn't the case. I honestly think it is just that I am TIRED of the bullshit that I constantly come across. I am TIRED of always feeling as though I am being treated in some disgusting or unfit way especially since I know I am not deseerving of such foolishness. As I get older, I don't want to miss out on the chance to have baby. I know that it was something I was going to go at alone last year and so I think, now without the tumor or fear of not being able to have a child, is that something I would once again consider? I've even on a few occassions considered dating outside of my race though that isn't something I feel too keen about. I'm not sure exactly what it is I am feeling. I'm not sure if I could put my finger on it directly but what ever it is, I'm feeling it hard.

All the year long, my family has brought up the fact that we would have dinner at my brother's house for Thanksgiving and then Christmas dinner at my house. Fine. Last night I went to see The Heavenly One and she goes, "So, we're going to your brother's house on Christmas, I told you, right?" Uh, no. When did the plans change? "Oh," she tells me, "we figured you wouldn't want to do all of that cooking since you started your new job and what not." Oh, so, you all figured what you think I might want to do? Uh huh. Is that correct?

Mind you, Christmas is on a Monday so, it isn't as though I'll have to come directly home and cook dinner. I have two days to prepare and more than likely, I'll be leaving early on Friday evening so... I found it so rude, weird, strange, not cute that they would make a decision like that. Without telling me, without saying anything, without asking me. So, I'm going to stay home and make a small dinner for myself and lay in bed with Sam to watch movies. Childish? Yes. But, I'm kind of pissed off and I don't feel like being bothered anyway in the mood I am in.

So for the few of this who read this. Merry Christmas. I hope yours will be better than mine.

So...

2006-12-10T12:44:00.000-05:00

I have been sort of busy. I'm loving my new job as I don't have lesson plans and don't have to grade papers (yay!) so when I am home, I have a lot of time to do whatever it is I want to do. What I don't like about my new job? The hours. I'm working 10-6 and I'm accustomed to working 8-3 so there is a big difference in my evenings. I get home around 7, I don't feel like cooking because it feels super late to me, I've been eating take out. (I know, I know) I play with Sam for a bit, then I'm sleepy. I have to get used to these hours.

So, both of those guys, the shiftless one and the "new" guy are out. The shiftless guy because, well, he's shiftless and the new guy just because something doesn't seem right. I can't quite put my finger on it but, my gut tells me something is wrong so I told him I think we are very different and we should just remain friends, nothing else. Since we weren't friends to begin with, I doubt we will become friends.

This week, I was crazy busy, I had two meetings for work but Friday was sooooo slow I sneaked out and was home before 6, (for shame). I am in the process of putting together my new kitchen. I am not sure for certain what the end result will be but, I'm going to buy a few things at a time and I guess create a mish mash of favorites. So far, I've bought a steel bread box and canister set from the '40s that I really like. I hae my eye on a 50's mixmaster blender, and I'm debating whether I should get a 50's toaster oven or a 40's toaster, I may just get both. In addition to this stuff, it is time for me to get a new bed, coffee tale, and computer table, the stuff I have now are things I've had since college and it just isn't cutting it anymore. Old me and new me don't like the same things plus, old me was a lot poorer than I am now so many of my old items are just plain cheap.

For the past few days, my feet were swollen. It was so weird because this is something I've never experienced before. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I sit a lot now versus when I walked around all day when I was teaching. I get up, walk around but, most of my work requires that I sit at a computer so, it is a bit difficult for me to walk around and get things done. I had to wear some horrible old lady shoes I just happened to have in my closet (for days when I would take my classes on trips) because my regular shoes weren't fitting or hurt too much to wear.

Today, I have a busy day ahead of me again. So far, I've watched a movie while giving myself a MUCH needed pedicure, washed two loads of clothes, had a scrummy but fat laden breakfast. Took Sam for a walk and I still have to clean my house, clean my bathrooms, and I want to get started on a dress that I've put off for the past few weeks. In addition to all of this stuff, I'm REALLY REALLY sleepy. So, I'm off to do those things.

I HATE MySpace!

2006-11-28T06:44:00.000-05:00

I logged onto my MySpace page to check messages and such and the dirty little page put the blaring phrase 29 years old in my face! The dirty little bugger. Here I was going along in my misguided glory, under the pretense that I am still young and I had to go and see that crap. Stupid MySpace!

Anyhoo, my new job has been pretty good thus far. Though I have to travel a bit more, it only takes me an hour (even with my slow fat girl in heels walking on raggedy city streets walk) and, I have my own office! So, my day mostly consists of sitting at the desk, organizing, typing, sending emails and I meet with students for like less than two hours a day. No lesson plans, no grading homework, no spending 6 hours on Sunday preparing for the next week and a bigger pay check. YAY! I even have to be to work later but, my body hasn't realized that yet and still awakens between 5:45 and 6:15 in the morning depending on how it feels. I have a meeting today so, I don't even have to go into work until like 11:30, tell me that doesn't kick ass!

My birthday was pretty boring this year but, I expected it to be. I didn't do anything though everyone who even looked in my direction offered to take me somewhere or do something. I was perfectly content at home. I totally had the complete intention of sewing this dress I was supposed to wear yesterday but of course, I didn't do that. I DID cook a killer meal and an unbelievable (if I do say so myself) chocolate cake which was my dinner last night (I know, I know).

I gave Sam a super haircut the other day. His hair was just starting to look shaggy. I LOVE when his hair is long but, it requires so much more maintainence and I'm just way too lazy to try and keep it up so, he's sporting his super short, Billy Idol type hair again.

There is this crazy big fly in my house, I'm looking at it right now across the room as he sits on my lampshade taunting me. I was sitting at my computer table last night and he flew right at me, scared the crap out of me. I want to kill it but. I kind of think its wrong unless he does something to me and, I'm kind of grossed out by the though of doing so.

I met a new guy (always a new guy). Who seems kind of nice (as they always do). The old guy, (the shiftless one) just wasn't cutting it with me. I just think there is something innatley (sp?) wrong with a man who doesn't want to do anything with his life. Especially a man who claims to want a family and children. It's just wrong. I know that in good faith, I could not date a man like that because, I wouldn't have any respect for him. I'd herb him and that would bring all sorts of problems on its own anyway.

I have to go find something to wear, I'm out.

I have been home

2006-11-15T11:45:00.000-05:00

for the past few days getting ready for my new position next week. I cleaned out my classroon, hauled all of my teacher junk (who knew I had so much?) home and for the past few days have been sewing, sewing, sewing and cooking. I made the most amazing dress from a rereleased pattern from 1952, beautiful. Then I made the most horrible mess of another rereleased pattern. Ugh! I hate when I do things like that, it's like I'm wasting loads of fabric for no reason. First, the dress was too big, then the skirt was too long then I cut the skirt too shirt then when I finally got it to fit correctly, the bodice of the dress just got all saggy and weird. It actually was a better dress when it was bigger, just too big to wear. So, I sit here now, not really knowing whether I should try to salvage the dress or call it quits and start on something new.

Over the past few days, I've been liking this new guy I've been psudeo dating less and less. It's like, he doesn't have the greatest job and he seems content with that. He is older than me by a few years and lives with his family but, that seems okay to him. He proudly announced the other day, "I couldn't afford to live on my own if I wanted to". So a) he can't afford to live alone and doesn't seem to mind b) "if he wanted to" does this mean he doesn't want to? When I first met him, I was under the impression he was living with family because he lost his job, was saving for school and this is just what happened. I was unemployed for a bit so I can't be angry at someone who finds themselves in that position but, to just accept that and not want to advance? That's something I just can't deal with.

I mentioned the other day that I will probably redo my kitchen. Nothing hugely big, just some new appliances, a new coat of paint some cute vintage items I've found. He announces, "oh, I can't wait, I love to cook but can't do it here (his house) because I don't have the tools". Eh? nigga what? Does he think he's going to be in my house cooking? Not up in here he won't. Then, he was trying to invite himself for Thanksgiving dinner next week. I mean, we ain't like that where he can break bread with my family. I don't know, it's time to let this one go.

I've been shopping lately because despite my tiny weight loss, I'm still fat as hell and (eek!) either my winter coats are tight in the ass (always the ass) or, I just don't like them anymore, no longer my style. So, I bought four wonderful coats which I LOVE, but unfortunately its been too warm in the city to wear. I bought two of the greatest shoes I have ever purchased in my life! First, I FINALLY found a pair of cute navy shoes, I've NEVER had navy shoes because either they were not the right color or ugly or whatever but I found a great pair of suede navy 40s style wedgies, so cute and so comfy and they fit my little fat feet. I also got a pair of red red peep toe 50s pumps which should clicl oooo la la when I walk. I LOVE THESE SHOES! CUTE, CUTE, CUTE. I bought a great pair of leather vintage gloves the other day, never worn and they match my shoes perfectly. I got this navy polka dot vintage dress from 1946, in near perfect condition that fits me beautifully. And, I got this black and white wrap dress from the mid '50s, that's slightly too big but I can easily take in, also very cute. I bought a modern reproduction bed jacket that I have wearing everynight to bed and it is sooooo comfy, I have no idea how I ever slept without one before. And finally, I bought some new fabric and a few reproduction patterns.

My birthday is coming up in 11 days. I'm turning the big 2-9, one year away from being really really grown. I don't really have any plans for my b-day, probably just take myself shopping, bake myself a cake and hang out. Off to have coffee with The Heavenly One now.

Grrrrrrrrr

2006-11-08T12:38:00.000-05:00

I am so upset right now. I was just hired for a new position on Friday, I agreed to take it and notified my school, I am home now taking off days I will lose in transitioning to the new job. Anyway, the woman I did my final interview with last week asked me, "Are you entertaining any other offers? We'd like you to start within two weeks." She then offered me the job, I accepted. Today, I'm chillin' at home 'cause it's raining something awful out and I'm not going anywhere. I get a phone call asking me to come in for a "third interview" this coming Friday. WTF!? THIRD interview? Um, I have an offer of employment, I'm supposed to come in next week to do the W2, 401K transfer, all that good crap. On top of this, I was asked to bring in my graduate school transcripts. Now, I am lisenced. In order to be lisenced, one must have proof of completing gradute school and must have a minimum of 3.2 in all classes and 3.0 cumulative. If I have this lisence then that means, guess what? I've done all of those things. I'm slightly upset because at this moment, I feel as though games are being played with me. Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I reading more into the situation than need be?

I SURPASS the requirements for this position. The criteria was a BA or BS, 2 or more years experience working with children, preferably in a school environment. Familiarity with NYS social studies standards and compatibility with children. After the initial interview I was asked to provide 3 references. Now, I have 6+ years working with children as an educator. I have not one, but TWO Masters, I've started and run my own afterschool program, I provided reports, letters from parents and the outline of my program as well as it's charted prgress throughout all three school years I ran it. I am well versed in ALL NYS standards for elementary K-6. I provided FIVE references which all checked out and were impeccable. I provided evaluations of lessons, my overal teacher evaluations, results from my student's test scores (which were all significantly higher AFTER being with me for a school year). And dare I say, I'm pretty darn charismatic as noted by both interviewers. SO, WTF gives?! I'm not sure but, I'm none too happy about this. Not in the least. So, I'll go to their crappy third interview (!). But something tells me I'm having to fill the Black requirements. :(

So......

2006-11-07T07:03:00.000-05:00

I've been offered a new job! 10,000 more, an office and no classroom duty. YEAH!!!!!

I'm very excited and will begin my new position in about 2 weeks, such excitement!

I was up soooooo early this morning as my poor little Sam had a hard time "relieving himself". He usually "goes" about twice a day, yesterday I had Mexican food (didn't feel like cooking) and I made the AWFUL mistake of letting him have some. Why oh why did I do that? First, I though it was all good because he didn't have any awful Sam gas but early this morning he jumped off the bed and went to the laundry room where he has a puppy pad on which to do his "business" on the days he may have to go in the house. He normally doesn't "go" in the house but we all have our off days right? So, I am always prepared. Anyway, he was gone for a LOOOONG time so I called him just to make sure he was okay. Finally, I got up and went to see if things were okay and he was in the back sitting room kind of hunched over in the weird position then NOTHING prepared me for the grossest thing I have seen for a long time. Not to get very graphic but the biggest, thickest, blackest turd was just stuck you know, half way out of him. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! So, I stripped down because I didn't want ANY of that getting on my night clothes and hosed him down in the tub. What an ordeal. He was very appreciative as once he was clean he showered me with puppy kisses the likes of which I have never seen before. This afternoon, I will be taking him to the groomers for some serious booty hair grooming. EWWWWWW!!!!

So, last night I had another date with The Guy. He's really very sweet. Very smart. Very much a gentleman. I was kind of eh, over him before but, I think I may be able to dig him.....eventually. What I find cool about him is that we seem so far to have the same goals in life. He understands the path I'm on at this point in my life and we seem to want the same things. On another note, someone that I haven't spoken to in quite some time but who I really dug, this cat I'll call S called me the other day and we've spoken again a few times. I'm looking foward to seeing where things may progress with him.

Well I'm off to work.

November 1 -

2006-11-01T23:13:00.000-05:00

Today is Sam's birthday. My baby stinky boy is four years old today. Happy Birthday Sam! (even though he can't read and never goes on the internet, you know, because he's a dog).

So.....

2006-10-30T21:01:00.000-05:00

Weird thing happened this weekend. My sister told me she was envious of me! I really didn't know where that came from so I kind of was like, "oh, okay". She tells me that she and my older sister and brother were kind of jealous because I had more time with my dad and because I had education and advantages they felt they didn't have. Also, she tells me that I seem to really have my life together and that makes them upset. So, what do I say to this? I didn't say anything but then I had to think. My dad had my three older brother and sisters when he was in his mid 20's and had me when he was in his mid 50's. When I came along, he was a lot more comfortable in life. He didn't have to struggle to make ends meet, he had reached many of his financial goals so, he had more time to spend with family. I have no control over that. My dad also sent my older brother and sisters to school but, my oldest sister decided to have a baby, drop out of school, smoke weed and drink liquor. My other sister decided to have two babies and spend time with men who stole from her and beat her ass. My oldest brother decided to drop out of school and take the money my father sent for tuition in order to fund his weed habit and not work. I decided not to do any of those things. So, where does that leave me? I'm not sure if I should continue talking to her/them as I feel kind of weird about the entire situation.

So, I've been dating this guy for about the past month. Previous to actually going out, we've spoken on the phone for like two months. He's okay, we've been taking things very, very, very slow as I nor my heart are in any position to go through the crap I've gone through in the past.

All has been great on the shopping front. I've picked up some great vintage dresses in my size or bigger (altered to fit me of course). I even sewed my first coat! A very nice vintage style swing coat. It came out really well and of course I look super cute in it. With the left over material I made Sam a cute doggie coat.

Thanksgiving will be held at my house this year and I have to assemble a menu and cook for like 10 people. Not a problem but a task. Not much any than any of those things. Life is regular.

Yay!!!!!

2006-10-15T23:53:00.000-05:00

So, I haven't intentionally been trying to lose weight any more, something about giving up and it being to hard but, I have been wearing a pedometer and trying to get over 10,000 steps a day clocked on it and, I have been making myself do power yoga again.

So, tonight, I'm putting together an outfit for tomorrow. It's kind of chilly in the city and with chilliness is time to change the wardrobe. Anyway, I decided I would try on, just for kicks a dress I haven't worn in a LONG time just because. The last time I tried this dress on, sometime lasdt year, I literally boo hooed my eyes out for like an hour. Well, tonight, I try on the dress and, not only does it fit, but, it's slightly too big. YAY! I'm so excited! So, I'm totally going to wear it tomorrow because you know, I'm hot like that son.

So, maybe I'll try this route, the don't obsess over food/weight and just walk and do yoga route. Though I'd like to throw in a little weight training of some sort because my tummy still isn't its cute flat self and I'm a little jiggly all over. One thing at a time I guess.

2006-10-07T03:29:00.000-05:00

Eeek! Haven't posted for a while but obviously, haven't been missed. I sprained my hand so, couldn't type much. Went on a date last Sunday. Eh. The guy is nice and smart but, he's in his thirties and doesn't really have himself together. He doesnt' have any children, but, he lives with his mom and sister and her kids and he doesn't have the greatest job. I'm not a gold digger, not in the least, I have my own job, home, etc. but, I can't really see myself being serious with someone who isn't able to care for himself financially. So, we've only spoken twice since the date anyway, I don't much see it going anywhere. I've been interviewing with this school in the Bronx who is looking for and Instructional Supervisor. Good thing about this: substantial raise, :). Bad part about this: over an hour and a half in travel time. :( I haven't officially been offered the job as of yet but, I'm not sure if I'd be able to take it considering how far away it is.

Other than that, there hasn't been a whole lot going on. Tomorrow, I will be going to lunch with some friends, coming back home then out to a swing dance. I made a great crinoline to wear inder my favorite circle skirt and if its cool out, I'll finally be able to wear my new swing coat and kid skin gloves. I'm off on Monday :) so, I'll probably find something to do Sunday night.

creepies and crawlies

2006-09-12T00:57:00.000-05:00

Today was such a weird day. I washed clothes over the weekend but of course did not fold them so today after work, that was my mission. I dried my towels on the line, as I normally do until it gets cold and today when folding the towels, I felt something on my neck. Automatically assuming it was my hair, I though nothing of it but, I kept feeling it slide slowly across my neck. I hit at myself and low and behold, the biggest spider I have ever seen fell off of me and into my laundry basket. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! I was so skeeved out. This thing was no ordinary daddy long legs, it was a big fat huge thing somewhat like this:

it was the grossest thing ever. So, after screaming my heart out, scary my dog and neighbors, I decided to have a seat. I made the most wonderful meal yesterday so, I decided to heat that up and The Heavenly One came over for dinner (dinner posted in new dinner blog!) anyway, so we ate, and I recounted my awful story with the spider of death when my mom asked if I had her percolator. I went into a closet which I never, ever, ever, ever, ever use because that is where her coffee machine was. So, I open the door, running my mouth and out flies moths of every size, color and shape. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! I almost died. It was the grossest thing ever. So, my mom goes, "Wow, you NEVER go in there, uh?" So, here I am, smashing moths, spraying the air with lysol because I couldn't find any bug spray and trying my darndest to get rid of these things. My mom then says, "if all of those things are flying around like that they probably have nested in that closet". EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! So, I put on a pair of gloves, wrap up my hair and start throwing things in the closet away. Mostly, there were some ceramic figurines people have given me for Christmas and birthdays, things I don't like at all. I few aprons which I never wear because I've made more than a few that I like and some other odds and ends which I never use. So, I'm throwing things away when, EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! not only are there moths and dead moths in this closet, there are larvae of the moths. How does something like this go on in the house and I not know it? I have no idea. I've seen a moth or two in the house but, I also keep my backyard door open when I am downstairs so, I figure they came in from outside. So, these little things were wiggling around and being gross and I would not sleep until, I a) vacuumed everything and threw away the vaccuum bag b) threw everything from the closet away c) drenched my closet in bug spray d) drenched my closet in bleach e) scrubbed every surface in my house until my shoulders, wrists and fingertips ached f) checked every corner of my house with my high beam flashlight to make sure no creepy crawlies were hanging around in my house g) made random "pop up" looks at random things to make sure no creepy crawlies were around h) sprayed outside garbage can liberally with bug spray so that I can make sure those little suckers are dead i) scrub my body until my skin turned red. So, that was my harrowing, scary day.

Reason numebr 2 why I need a boyfriend: someone other than me needs to be the killer of the creepy crawly things I sometimes come into contact with.

So...

2006-09-04T22:32:00.000-05:00

School starts tomorrow. I really, really, really, really don't want to go. I'm worse than the kids, argggh! I've been enjoying my time at home too much. Fall is coming quickly as it's been quite chilly here in NY the past few days and, I still haven't finished my summer sewing. What a scandal! I'm already looking at new fall fabrics so that I can make a few items before the year is over. I really want to make a coat but truthfully, I don't know if my skills are up to par as of yet.

I met a guy a while back and he and I have been speaking a lot lately. He told me that he worked in retail but didn't give specifics and since we were going through the motions of getting to know one another, I just let it go. Today, I found out he is a stock guy. He's 34 years old. I think he is very sweet and very nice but truthfully, I really can't see myself involved with someone that does this for a living. Is this a bad way of thinking? I don't need the person I want to be with to be a millionaire but, I make a decent salary. When I finally finish this masters, I'll make an even better salary. I want to live a certain lifestyle, I want to be able to send my children to private school. I want to stay home with my children for a while when I have them. I can't do that with someone who is barely making any money. Then, it makes me think, what has he been doing with his life up to this point? Did he not prepare himself for the future? He's a very bright person, that is certain but, didn't he want to do something with his life? Does he intend on staying a stock boy? He's nearly 40! I don't know. I don't want to be rude to him and I don't want him to think that I think ill of him but, this really isn't something that I think I can get involved with further.

I have to go to bed now because I have to go to work in the morning. :''(

Tea Party Pics

2006-08-29T14:37:00.000-05:00

These aren't all of the pictures, my cousin has a few on her camera too.

2006-08-27T02:04:00.000-05:00

You know, I have to say that for the first time in a very long time, I am happy. I know that I have LOTS to be happy about. I am healthy, I have a home, I have a loving and wonderful family, I have great friends but many times, I allow other things to interfere with these thoughts or my appreciation of them. For a while, I have felt okay. I am pleased to feel this way, it is a great feeling.

I had my tea party tody and though the chance of rain forced me to hold it indoors, it was a splendid day and we all had a great time. Reason #1 why I need a boyfriend or a very close male friend: Picture me, 10 o'clock in the morning pushing a room full of furniture including two 6 foot sofas onto their sides, down a hall and up in the air as to make room in my downstairs living room for 12 women and two tables worth of food! I did this ALL BY MYSELF! First off, I didn't think I had the strength to do such things so, GO ME! Second, I'm REALLY healthy for a fat girl. I did all of this and I mean I was literally lifting these couches, and barely broke a sweat, it was a lot of work but, it didn't take much effort, and my lazy ass doesn't want to go to the gym. I will post pics but for the moment, my camera is downstairs and truthfully, I'm too lazy to go get it.

I've been doing family research and I have found my great, great, great, great grandmother! It is so amazing the research that can be done and the uncovering no matter how slight of a past that I knew absolutely nothing about. Lately, I have beeb reflecting on life. On the memory of my daddy especially and of how much, though I never realized before, how much I miss him. Honestly, there are few things in my life that I regret, if any but, I do regret or maybe a better description would be that I am sorry that I never had the chance to relate to my dad as an adult. I miss him. As I speak with my mom now, especially realizing the way that she and I relate as mother and daughter/friends, (since our relationship has changed drastically from the days when I actually needed mothering) I miss the relationship that my daddy and I would have had at this stage in my life. There are so many things that I want to ask him. There are stories that I want him to tell me. Right now, I am sitting in the very room in which he died and I so much want to even if just for a day, be in his presence because I never got that chance with him. He was always just Daddy, I never saw him as the man that he was. I only ever saw him as my dad. I have started writing a book, that I hope will become an heirloom (if that is the right word). It is filled so far with my family history, as far as I have traced it as well as memories, stories of my granparents, stories told to me by my dad, mom, aunts and uncles. I honestly don't quite understand the introspective/historic thing I've been going through lately but, I think it may have a lot to do with my mood. Overall, I honestly haven't felt this good in a very long time.

School starts again soon and, I may have an out of classroom postion, Yay!! I'm not going to talk much about it yet since it's still a bit up in the air.

I'm sooooo sleepy right now, I've been up since early this morning and have done a lot so, I'm out.

I'm Lazeeeeeee!

2006-08-15T22:32:00.000-05:00

For the past two days, I have done absolutle nothing. Today, I woke up, took a shower washed my face and brushed my teeth. It was raining so Sam and I didn't go for a walk but even after it cleared up later, we still didn't go out. I let him "go" in the backyard and I sat in front of the computer all day looking at You Tube and playing on eBay. Lost the vintage swing coat :( But, got a great set of vintage napkins, a GREAT vintage tea set yay! And some tea themed cookie cutters. Other than that, I did absolutely nothing, didn't clean, didn't wash a load of clothes, I didn't even style my hair. I put on a house dress and that was about it.

This weekend, I ran hard. On Saturday, I was all over the city, walking, shopping, dropping by street fairs. I went with my cousin to a party. On Sunday, I took Sam to a puppy play date, where he had a ball barking at and chasing other dogs then afterward, I went to an outdoor swing concert though I didn't dance with anyone because I had Sam. So, I guess I'm exhausted from my weekend but more than likely, I'm just lazy, with a capital L.

I'm giving a formal tea in two weeks, hence me buying a tea set and vintage napkins. I want it to be a really nice event as it is the first one I am giving. I wanted to do a pink and white theme but, the tea set that I got, a complete set from the '50s, service for 12! is blue so, that kind of changes things. The good thing: my dessert plates have blue in them. The bad thing: I already bought a table cloth so, I'll be taking that back in search of a more appropriate color. I went to a chocolatier and she is making chocolate covered oreos for me which will bear the name of each of my guests, she is also making chocolate tea pots which hold inside of them, chocolate tea cups and a chocolate tea bag. The teapot/cup combination is decorated so it looks just like a teapot, you wouldn't know it was chocolate unless someone told. Very cute. I also bought some tea themed cookie cutters which I will be using to make sugar cookies and make tea sandwiches and, I'm going to make a teapot shaped cake. Very cool. I'll post pictures of the event afterwards.

School starts again soon. :( I've been having a very good time not working, I really don't want to go back.

In addition to being lazy these past two days, I've been greedy too.

Yesterday, I ate fruit all day then for dinner, I ordered some chinese food and slumped over to THO's house where I ate an ice cream cone. Then today, in a bid to make up for yesterday I ate fruit and veggies for breakfast lunch and dinner (and a small piece of chicken) but just ate a bunch of cookies that I found in the back of my closet (yes, I was searching for snacks), not cool.

I started some light waist training today. Waist Training Info I bought a corset a while ago but, I didn't really want to do it. I'm not looking to do any extreme waist modification. I'm a big girl, I know this so I'm hoping to get six inches off of my waist in the next few months, nothing too big. I thought wearing the corset would be uncomfortable but, other than sitting really straight, nothing out of the ordinary. Actually, when I took it off for the night, I kind of wanted to put it back on. I did 3 hours today, tomorrow I'll do three and a half or four. I'm very sleepy and I have letters to write to my penpals send off tomorrow.

Egads!!

2006-08-09T22:55:00.000-05:00

There was once a time when a vintage loving fat girl could get some decent vintage clothes for a very nice price. NOT NOW! Who knows what the hell is going on! It's like every fat girl in America has decided that they too need to wear or at least buy vintage clothing particularly my beloved era, the 40's to the 50's. What's going on? I'm very unhappy about it to say the least. The other day, I saw a GREAT vintage peignor set from the early 50's, the auction was ending in a bit so, I bid up to 50 bucks and Sam and I went for a walk. Back in the day, I would be able to snag something like this for like 10 dollars tops so, 50 is really stretching it. I come back, all ready to pay for my item and await my wonderful new gown in the mail when low and behold, not only did I NOT win the auction, the damn thing sold for 150 bucks!!! I just couldn't believe it. It's nuts. Today, I decided to scan ebay, just to see what's being offered and there is a plethora of goodies awaiting my bid, yay! A great, black satin swing coat from 1945 (yummmmm), a BEAUTIFUL dress from the early '40s and a wonderful evening dress from the mid 50's. Here it is, 7 SEVEN days left in the auction and some ridiculous b-----s have already bid these items up over 40 bucks! The '40s dress had 13 bids! What's wrong with these people? The auction has 7 SEVEN days left! Why are they bidding AT ALL? I hate them.

On a better side, I did buy a great '50s silk circle skirt for four dollars and I got that great bag over the weekend for 5. But still, I want that satin coat and I don't want to pay 400 dollars for it.

Eaten Today
Today, I was very hungry

Breakfast
mixed fruit - half a peach, couple of cubes of honey dew melon and some pineapple chunks then, 1 cup of oatmeal with pat of butter, handful of walnuts and brown sugar (yummmmm)

Lunch
Grilled cheese with turkey and a bit of mayo glass of homemade iced tea, watered down

Dinner
half a can of pineapple chunks in natural juice, 6 whole wheat crackers with a bit of peanut butter and two glasses of watered down homemade iced tea

2006-08-06T22:54:00.000-05:00

I have an interview in the morning. This one is with a school in the Bronx and it will be raining :( not looking forward to that at all. Hung out with my cousin T and her friend J yesterday. It was a very nice day, not at all hot and muggy like it's been lately. We had a good time and I bought some really great items. Picked up a new purse, bracelet, necklace and some hair accessories for less than 10 bucks from a vintage store, very good buys. Since we didn't have a definite plan, we wound up walking from 59th street and 8th avenue to 6th street and 2nd avenue, we had some Indian food, and then walked from 6th street and 2nd to 14th and 8th. I did all of this in flip flops (like an idiot) and so now, my legs are so sore. I don't know how I'm going to get my fat ass up to the Bronx tomorrow but, I have to so...

I went to my family reunion last week in Virginia Beach and I actually had a really good time. I met a bunch of folk I had never met before and they were so educated and talented, so nice to have met them. I'm supposed to be building a family website which I have started and completed some of and, I'm now the newest family historian. It's a very important job and I look forward to it. Other than that, not a whole lot has been going on. My cousin T convinced me to try internet dating again, which I did so I have been meeting a lot of guys that way but, nothing has come out of any of it. A lot of exchanging email, a few phone conversations, not much else than that.

I thought I lost 7 pounds but, when I got on the scale today, I hadn't lost any weight. I haven't gained any either but, I haven't been doing anything that would make me gain weight. My doctor mentioned weight loss surgery to me as an option before and that really isn't something I think I want to do. I'm very healthy, my thyroid doesn't work well but other than that, I don't have any issues, my blood pressure is fine, my bones or joints don't hurt, I don't have any weight related issues, I'm just fat. My stupid tumor even shrunk (yay!) The thing is, I've been fat all of my life and though I'm not totally happy with my body at this size, I love myself. I love my body though it's bigger than it's ever been, I still look cute, I'm just bigger and softer than I normally am. Truthfully, I"m not entirely sure what's going on. I don't eat, I don't lose weight, I eat a bunch of food, nothing really big happens, it's like I"m destined to be fat or something. I walked around 5 miles total yesterday and I was fine during that, I carried on conversation during my walk, it wasn't a leisurly stroll either, so, I'm capable of that. I still practice yoga, not as often as I used to but, I'm okay doing that, I should exercise more but, no one I know exercises as much as they should so it's not like I'm being COMPLETELY slovenly. I'm just regular folk lazy. I don't want to consider surgery as a tool because I just don't want to invite misery into my life where there is none. People who have had this surgery have had ALL kinds of problems and like I said, right now, I hae none, but at the same time, I don't want to be THIS fat. But, I don't want to be thin either, that isn't what I'm supposed to be and I'm okay with that, I think being back in my size 18 is good enough for me, that is where I feel most comfortable. What else should I do? I'm not sure. I've taken the advice of many and added some other foods to my eating but even that, I only do about twice or three times a week. I've taken to drinking iced tea so my body doesn't think I'm starving it and, I'm walking more. I want to get to about 15,000 steps a day. I'm going to give it another month and if I haven't lost anything by then, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Eaten today:

Breakfast:
Mixed fruit (3 strawberries, half a peach a few slices of pineapple a few grapes)

Lunch:
Grilled cheese sandwiches (2, I was being greedy)

Dinner:
ate with The Heavenly One:
white rice(about 1/2 cup), spinach with garlic and 2 beef ribs

throughout day (2 cups of iced tea, maybe 3)

Eaten yesterday:

Breakfast:
iced tea

Lunch:
water, water, and more water (during the walking)

Dinner:
tandoori chicken, shrimp and beef cubes (left about half on the plate) three spoonfuls of rice, one beef samosa, about 1/4 piece of garlic naan, 3/4 small coconut custard, 1 can of sprite and when I came home, 6 cookies
(I was very greedy yesterday)

Boop

2006-07-25T23:25:00.000-05:00

What's boop? I have no idea, it just came to mind when I wrote it.

So, I'm really looking for another job. If I don't find one, I'll go back to my job of course but, I'm looking, a lot. I would love to just get up and leave NY but admittedly, I'm scared, correction, I'm terrified. Where would I go? What would I do once I got there?

So, I'm officially bored. I havent' been doing much this summer. Went to see the El Greco show at the Met. I need some new hang out partners. Most of the girls I used to hang with are married or coupled up, the others, we just don't have a whole lot in common anymore. I've been shopping a lot. Found a great vintage coat, almost brand new for about a hundred bucks. Got a great day dress, brand new from 1939, it's gorgeous, got two clutch bags from the mid '40s, also very nice and, I got a great dress and jacket set from the mid '40s, on the cheap also brand new! I found another vintage store not too far from my house so, I'm going to step over there within the week, see what's going on.

I was talking to that guy I met at the swing dance last week and in the middle of our conversation, he told me that I had the kind of voice that turned him on. He then asked if I would be offended if he masturbated while I was on the phone with him. Needless to say, I hung up. I told my cousin T who SWORE I was lying. She just can't believe that I meet guys like this but, it's the God's honest truth. It's just, weird, he seemed like a really nice person, I just can't see myself asking someone something like this. The thing is, I'm not sexually forward like that. I mean, I'm no prude, believe me but, when I first meet a person, I'm not overtly sexual, I'm not sure what it is. I really think it has to do with me being a fat woman. I mean, I've always been fat but, I've gained weight within the last year so, I'm more fat than I normally am. I think men must think that fatter women are whores, I don't know. So, I've decided to not date again for a while. I don't know. I know who I am and I don't want someone treating me in such a way. I'm a good person, I'm a good woman. I'm not looking for perfection, but why is it so difficult to find someone decent?

Eaten Today

Breakfast:
banana and 8 strawberries

Lunch:
bowl of mixed fruit

Snack:
glass of milk and 6 cookies which I needed like a whole in the head

Dinner:
8 strawberries, handful of blueberries, 1 banana and 1 large peach

Still Trucking Along

2006-07-21T22:02:00.000-05:00

This whole not having anything to do thing is bad for me. I haven't done anything! I am by far one of the laziest people I know, it's sick. My house looks UBER terrible becasue I haven't cleaned it. Other than washing dishes, cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms, my entire house has gone to pot. I've been sewing and managed to finish a couple of dresses. I haven't done any museum hopping, no matinees have been seen. I've just been taking walks with Sam and working in the garden. Nothing a whole lot more than that.

However, I did go to that swing club last week. It was pretty cool. I met a really nice guy there. (but, they're all nice in the beginning so I'm not sweating it). We exchanged numbers and have spoken a few times simce last week. He's suggested our going out but I told him I think we should talk a little more, just to see where our heads are.

Other than that, I've been doing a whole lot of nothing. I sent in a few resumes just to test the waters a bit and so, I have three interviews next week, all for education director or coordinator positions so, I'll see. I've been told that this coming year, almost all of the classrooms in my school will be blended classes, and taught by two teachers - YIKES! Not really my thing. Personally, I don't think this is the move schools should be making. Everyone is concerned about special needs children feeling normal and learning to work in a "normal" environment but, I feel, what about the general education students? Isn't it bad enough there are 34 children in a class? Now, there are going to be 10 - 12 special education students in the classroom, disrupting, causing a scene? Not that ALL special education children do this of course, but, some of them do. Is it fair to children who are on level or slightly below level to have to be in the classroom with children who are going to need extra attention, who may disrupt learning within the classroom on a whole? The justification for this is that there will be two teachers in the classroom and in the cases of very disruptive students, a one on one paraprofessional but still, that many adults in a room? What about the clashing of teaching styles? What about the clashes of personalities? (and not in an attitudy way but some people, myself included, work better alone, that's just the reality of things) I'm not sure how this is going to work out but, if I am given another opportunity, I surely will take it.

I might be going to my family reunion next week. I thought it was another weekend but, duh, it's next weekend. I'm not sure if I'm going to go or not because, I'm not sure if I can find a sitter for Sam. Cat can stay by himself, he has before but, Sam is a dog and, he's a spoiled littel critter. In the past when I've gone away, he has come along with me, Sam's been to many places but, he can't go this weekend. I could ask a few friends of mine but, I'm not sure how he will react. Even when he goes to THO's house for the day, he gets a bit anxious, he's weird all day until I come home. When I go out, my mom says he paces the floor looking for me, everytime the phone rings, he runs to the door looking for me. It's okay that he does these things with her, but I'm not sure how he'll feel with someone else.

Despite my low food intake and moderate exercising, no weight lost has occured. :( Whenever I've wanted to lose weight, I just stopped eating and that seemed to work. I'm not sure what to do. If I eat anything more than 1000 calories, I gain weight. If I eat about 1000, I maintain weight. If I eat significantly less than that, I lose. I went to the doctor the other day with my little diary of food and she was quite appalled (I've gotten it in the comments also) at how little food I've been eating but, she also understands that I gain weight VERY easily. She brought up bariatric surgery (UGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!) as a solution but, that is NOT something I want to do. It is very risky, people die, are disabled, are permanently sick from haveing that surgery. I'd rather gain another hundred pounds before I do such a thing. The thing is, I don't want to be thin. I've never been and my body isn't built that way. I'd just like to be back to my normal size, which is about three sizes smaller (and more than a few pounds lighter) than I am now, I'm not sure how to go about doing that. She mentione my thyroid not really looking right, that may have something to do with it. I have to have a ultrasound of my thyroid done, not looking forward to that at all.

Eaten Today:

Breakfast:

8 strawberries, sprinling of sugar

Dinner:

Plate of steamed mixed vegetables
homemade iced tea
5 fritos (eat those while visiting THO)

I am LOVING my summer break

2006-07-11T15:12:00.000-05:00

Summer time and the living is easy. Well, the classes I was supposed to take this summer, I won't be able to take until fall. Apparently, I jumped the gusto last summer with the classes I took. My classes last summer were non matriculating classes so it did not matter what I took or in what order because it was considered self fulfillment classes. I applied for matriculation this year, was accepted and applied for classes but, the classes I register for were for non-matriculation. (I didn't know this, it doesn't have matriculation or non-matriculation of the class bulletin). Anyway, I can't take the classes I registered for this summer until I take some pre-requisites and those were all full so, no school this summer. Good thing about this: I actually have a free summer! I haven't had one since I was in high school. Bad things about this: I'm a semester behind, I could have worked summer school and made more money for classes, in about two-three weeks, I'm going to be bored. Ah well. Thus far, I have been enjoying mysummer vacation. I sleep late, shower late, Sam and I lounge around the house. I've been watching the crazy talk shows on television (there REALLY are some nuts in this world) and, I've caught up on my sewing. The only thing is, everyone I know is working this summer, all of my teacher friends are doing summer school and all of my "regular" working friends have to work in summer. Eh.

This week I will sit in the house, do nothing, (well, sewing isn't exactly nothing) but next week, I'm going to do something at least 3-4 days a week. I mean, I live in NYC for goodness sake. There are museums and galleries to visit, matinees to attend, outdoor movies to see. I'm thinking of going to this swing club, apparently they have big band music every Tuesday and I'd love to go, plus, I have all manner of vintage evening clothes that need wearing.

I was going to bake some bread today since it is so humid, I'd get a nice fat, crusty bread with all of the moisture in the air but, I didn't want to get my kitchen hot with the stove on. I could sit in the yard, I could come upstairs, I could go to THO's house but knowing my luck, my bread would burn and I'd have no house to come home to.

I gave Sam the cutest hair cut but, he wouldn't stand still so that I could take his picture, this is the best I could do:

He looks like some kind of crazy devil dog in this picture but I promise he's a cutie.

I've also been shopping like some kind of out of control nut. EBay, which I love and have used for years has become my wallet's nemesis. I bought the GREATEST vintage coat, goodness it's gorgeous. I also got a few yards of fabric, a couple of patterns, some vintage jewelry, a box of buttons and buckles, some old vintage home maker books and some shoes (not from ebay). I'm going to give it a rest for a while. I've even given my tuition refund to THO because I'm such a reckless nut, I might spend it all.

Eaten today:

Breakfast:
Yogurt, granola

Dinner (preparing to eat):

coconut rice
seared indian chicken
steamed mixed veggies (brocoli, cauliflower, zucchini)

So, I went on a date

2006-07-05T09:54:00.000-05:00

I went on a date this weekend. I haven't been on a date since M.E. and I broke up in April. I met this guy, he and I had a decent amount of conversation. Normally, I don't go out with someone until I've spoken with them for about a week but, my cousin T said "get your fat ass out the house" (she said it with as much love and caring as she could muster). So, I went out with James. I met him one night when T dragged me out of the house. He's 33, single, no children, has a small apartment in the Stuy and works for transit. He seemed nice enough so I fughred what the hell.

It was a rather warm night so, I wore a black vintage wrap dress, just a peek of cleavage with that dress, and my black peep toe pumps. I took my big flowered russian wrap just in case and wore my hair up with my big red rose. I think I was cute. So, he picked me up and went to this rather dinky restaurant. Clue #1 that things were not going to go well: He was a bit rude to our waiter. I didn't like that at all. But, I realize more and more in this world that not everyone is raised the same nor behaves in the same manner, I didn't like it, but, I didn't say anything either, my bad. Clue#2 that things weren't going to go well: When it came time to pay our 50 dollar bill (it was a rinky dink place), he took out his entire pay check. There were 20s, 100s, it was just dumb. I'm not sure why he did that. Maybe he thought I was hard up and impressed by his dough. Maybe he thought I was 15 and the sight of a 100 dollar bill would get my panties wet, not quite sure what that was about. He generally seemed to be a nice guy. We had decent conversation at the very least. So, we left there and he asked if I wanted to go to the South Street Seaport which I thought was really cute when I was a teenager, obviously since this was his idea of a great date and my cousin's voice in my head kept telling me (don't be so judgemental, loosen up, stop being so quick to judge), I obliged. So, we spoke about web design and how he wanted to own his own business one day, all good stuff. He was funny, nice, I thought to myself, maybe we'll go out again, he's a bit rough around the edges but generally nice. So, he brought me home and walked me to my door. I shook his hand, thanked him for dinner and a nice evening and he asked, "Is that all I get?" So, I went in to hug him and give him a kiss on his cheek, and simultaneously both of his hands were in my dress. One went down towards my boobs, the other went up toward my extra girly parts. I pulled myself away from him and screamed at him, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! ARE YOU ON CRACK?!" which was the best I could come up with at the moment. He then kind of chuckled and asked "should we take it inside?" I just kind of looked at him because though this was not funny, I SWORE, he had to be joking. It was like, surreal. He then went on to tell me that I was too uptight and he left. THEN, he called the next day and left me a message saying HE wasn't going to see ME any more because his last girlfriend "got down" (his EXACT words) the same night they met and that I would NEVER get a man acting the way I act. It was shocking/funny/strange/sad. A few years ago, I went out with this guy like three times or so and he wanted to screw me, I told him something to the effect of "I don't even know you, we just met". I remember him saying something like " well, I can't date you because I like to have sex and that obviously is something you don't like to do". So then it made think, are women in general whorish? Or are fat girls expecting to be more whore-y as compared to our thinner counterparts? I mean, I probably know the anwer to this because I've dated many guys who weren't trying to scre me on the first night and believe me, I've dated many more men then I've had sex with so it's obvious that they all werent' expecting me to screw them but, were did this N---a get the idea that a 12 dollar plate of salmon was enough to get into my extra girly parts?

Waaaaah!

2006-06-27T18:17:00.000-05:00

I hate crying about things, I hate to complaing knowing that compared to many people in this world, I have a very good life but, I have to wonder sometimes, what is the purpose or the meaning of it all? I've always thought that everyone has a purpose in this world but the thing is, I'm not sure what my purpose is. I think I'm always yearning for something, reaching for something, trying to make my life better or trying to do what I think I should be doing with my life but, I'm not sure what that is. For a very long time, I had my life mapped out, I thought I would do things according to that plan but, despite how hard I worked towards it, that plan has not come into fruition. I'm not sure what my next move should be. I'm spending lots of money and time in a career I really hae absolutely no feeling for. I am so much happier than I have no business being being because school is over. I mean, I'm ELATED that I don't have to go to that sickening school even if it is only for 8 weeks. But, what am I supposed to do? I've prayed on it, asked for guidance, asked for the opinions of others but.... what? I don't know if I've given up but, I'm passionless. I hae no desire to do much of anything. Work doesn't excite me, painting doesn't excite me anymore, it's like I just don't care. I was going through the motions of trying to find a suitable partner but... I think I may give up on that too. I don't want to be a slacker, that isn't who I am but, I'm tired of trying and failing. I'm tired of giving my all and not getting anything in return. I can honestly say that years ago, I was a fantastic teacher now, I'm being honest, I'm merely adequate and the results are the same. I have no incentive to try harder. The same goes for everything in my life. I try at relationships, they fail, I try to do something different, get myself out of this rut but, I feel I see no results. I think I might be depressed, I'm not sure. I know that this is a feeling I've had for sometime and it doesn't seem to be going away but, things are not as I want them to be, things are not as I've planned them. All of my efforts for change have not succeeded and I'm no longer sure what to do.

I'm going to post what I eat for the day again from now on. When I don't write down what I eat, I tend to eat all kinds of crap that I know is no good for me.

Breakfast: organic yogurt, 1/2 cup granola, banana, 1/2 cup peach juice
Lunch: 1 cucumber, 1 tomato, 3 tbsp. light french dressing, water
Dinner: 1 pear, 1 small peach, 1/2 cup peach juice

So

2006-06-18T15:43:00.000-05:00

It's muggy as crap out today. I'm home becuase my house looks an ever loving mess. So far, I've cleaned my upstairs living room, rearranged some furniture in there, scrubbed my floors, got down on all fours and scrubbed my tatami mats

which definitely was a pain in the butt. I washed four loads of clothes, put away two (I have too many clothes, when everything is clean, I have no where to put everything). I still have to clean my yoga/sewing/painting room, clean my bedroom, bathrooms, kitchen and downstairs living room. I estimate I'll be finished by 12 or so tonight.

I took my twists out but didn't wash my hair so, I'll have to do that before I go to bed too and sometime before Wednesday, I'm going to have to give Sam a bath because he looks a mess, poor Sam.

So, since I slacked off of my diet again, shame on me, I've decided to do one of those Bally 30 day crash diet, go to the gym 6 day a week programs to see how much weight I will lose. I know it's cheating and it probably isn't the best thing in the world to do but, ah well, I'm lazy. Luckily, I've only gained back three of the 27 pounds I did lose so, not so bad. However, I don't feel right, not sure how to phrase it but, my body feels soft or jiggly, I don't feel as tight as I am used to feeling. Admittedly, I haven't been doing ANY exercise and other than going to work, I haven't been going out a lot lately because, I was saving money for all of those classes I am taking this summer. I can't spend money and save it so, I've been wathcing a lot of cable, reading, gardening, all of that nice cheap stuff.

The fruits, or rather cucumbers and tomatoes of my labor (which technically are fruit so I guess the original was okay).

I was watching television as I folded clothes and lo and behold, the International Rock Paper Sciossors Championship was on. Remember that game as a kid, rock, paper, sciccors said shoot? Well, there is a championship game for it and get this, the winner wins $50,000. That is crazy. There isn't any strategy involved in playing, it's all a gam of chance but, it pretty funny I guess. I watched like ten minutes of it thinking it was a gag or a spoof but when I went to look it up on line, it was there Rock Paper Scissors Championship

Everything is regular, nothing exciting or too new going on.

June

2006-06-12T14:44:00.000-05:00

Ah, it's June. The end of school and Pride Month. Normally around this time of year, I am very excited becasue it is getting closer to the time where I can sit around for nine weeks straight doing nothing. However, this June is bittersweet. Yes, the school year is winding down, yes I still have nine weeks where potentially I could be sitting around doing nothing but, this summer, like last summer, I will be taking classes so for 8 of my nine weeks off, I will be in hot, boring classrooms trying desperately to become a principal so that I can triple my salary. My classes are SOOOOOO expensive. I had to register for the classes and was so angry writing out that huge check for almost all of my hard earned money. Good news, in about three years like I said, I'll triple my salary so, I'll hopefully be able to make all of that back.

I'm finding more and more that I'm not really digging New York anymore. Of course I like the culture, museums and theater, shopping and, it's cool that I can go anywhere in the city at anytime of the day and get a cheeseburger but, this whole scene just isn't me anymore. As I'm geting older, I'm more interested in property, and with shit like 3 bedroom 1200 square foot apartments going for a million dollars in Brooklyn, it's time for this chick to get out of dodge. I'm thinking of going somewhere slower but still a bit cultured, Asheville, NC seems like a nice place. I'll probably take a trip down there within the year just to see what's going down.

I decided to try internet dating. It was something I'd never really done before but I decided to give it a try. Though I didn't go out with anyone, I did meet a few guys and seriously, I wasn't impressed. It's just as bad as real life dating. here are a few guys that I met.

E: E is 42 years old, I bit old but okay, I"m trying to get past that whole, the guys MUST be this, this, this thing so I figure okay, I'll see. This man is 42 as I've stated but, he lives at home with his parents. He told me he was married twice and he and his second wife divorced because and I quote, "she didn't want to help me with my career". When I asked what that meant, he told me he was a musician, he was goig to be a musician until he died (or starved to death by my assumptions) she wanted him to get a "real" career. I'm like dude, you live with your parents and you're 42! Don't you WANT a "REAL" career? Don't you WANT to do those things? Needless to say, I told him I didn't think we were compatible. He asked me what I meant by that, I didn't want to be mean to him so I said, "I'm going to date other people, I'm not ready for the kind of relationship you're looking for". Could you imagine? If I knew I had nothing to offer, especially being a man, I wouldn't dare try to talk to some woman, just plain trifling.

B: B is 38 had a decent job and owned his own apartment. He and I had really great conversations about 4 times then, he told me "I really dug Uma Thurman":

I don't look NUTHIN' like that broad. So I asked him, did you see my pictures? You contacted me, I don't look like her AT ALL. He responds, "yeah, but you're great". Maybe I was being childish but the old, "I don't think we're compatible" line came out. Then that was over.

K: K is 36 years old, he has a 14 year old son, owned his own home. We exchanged a few e mails, he asked me for my number, we exchanged numbers then, he called my phone about twelve times in a row. Just called and didn't say anything when I answered. At first, I thought he was just having phone trouble but, when I told him I was going to turn his phone number in to the police, he stopped calling.

J: J is 32 I think, seemed really nice, we exchanged email for about 3 weeks, then he told me he wasn't 5'10 like he put on his page, he was actually 5'2" and being the vain amazon I am, I doled out the "I dont' think we're compatible" speech. Ah well.

G: Is the last one, we haven't really communicated but never the less, I decided to pull my on line dating ad. It really just isn't worth it to me, very silly.

So along with the end of the year comes all sorts of fun and games at my school. In addition to doing report cards (which are a pain in the butt), I'm preparing my students for a punchball competition (baseball without a bat) and a cheerleading competition I'm also holding my annual pajama party where we all wear pajamas, eat junk food and watch movies and play games in class. I'm also cleaning out my classroom because, I'm going back to elementary in September. That's all I guess.

2006-05-21T23:09:00.000-05:00

A picture of my dad.

Not a lot at all has been going on

2006-05-15T16:36:00.000-05:00

Basically, for the past two weeks or so, things have been pretty whatever. I don't feel as sad as I did before, my friend T and I had a great talk and so that helped a lot. I've been concentrating on work, school will be out in about a month or so and then I start classes once again, let me correct that, I start those expensive al all hell classes once again. Not really looking forward to taking them, but, it is a necessary evil I guess. I met this guy or rather man last week named John (I'm using his real name because he won't ever read this, we didn't know one another for very long). He and I had two really great phone conversations and we were talking about the possibility of going on a date. Basic statistics about him: He's 39, is a truck driver, owns a condo in Harlem, never married, no children, and from our conversation, seemed pretty intelligent. Then, on the night of our second conversation, he asks me, "Do you smoke weed?" my answer was "no". He asked if I hung around people who smoked weed, I told him that one of my friends did and I of course didn't have a problem with her doing so but she doesn't do so when she is in my house, and when I visit her, I usually go in her bedroom while she smokes. I just personally don't like smoke in almost any form, it makes me feel sick, this includes car exhaust, barbecue smoke, all of that. He then tells me he didn't think he and I would be compatible because he has "friends" who like to smoke weed and he can't be around a woman who doesn't like to be around that type of behavior. I was kind of like, "wow, okay" because at first, I thought it was kind of silly/strange/weird but after reading Donna's post on the subject of identifying a weed head, it was all good. Thanks Donna!

While playing around on line the other day, I came across a video of Mysterious Ex doing a presentation for his company's latest product and of course like any crazy person would, I watched it like five times then went to bed crying. I missed him for like two days and contemplated calling him until I made myself remember why I broke things off with him to begin with.

So, I've gotten back on my diet, (blah), I've registered for my expensive as all hell classes over the summer and I'm actively searching for the future Mr. Noir, I just hope I can stay on track.

2006-05-02T07:28:00.000-05:00

I feel as though my life is off track or something. Not quite sure how to place my finger on it but truthfully, I thought I'd be living a much different life from the one I'm living now. I hate complaining because I feel guilty about it. I know far worse things could be occurring in my life. I know the mulititude of things that are occurring in other people's lives but, I feel unfufilled?, unsure?, maybe unhappy?, ot sure quite how to describe it. I'd honestly have to say that in my adult life, all 7 years of it, I think I was happiest when I was working for myself so, I think that is something I'd like to do again. It is very hard work but, I was very happy, even when I wasn't making goodobs of money. I'm not sure if I'm going to get back into the same field or try my hand at something different but, I think that is the path I am going to go down again.

I'm very excited because, my tumor seems to have shrunk. I haven't had the constant pain in my uterus for like the past month. Prior to this, I've always had this dull achy pain, it was there for about a year, give or take a little but, noticing the pain had subsided, I had an ultrasound last week and woo hoo! tumor is smaller. Not really sure why it is, at this point, I really don't care.

Here are my goals for the end of this year.

#1 Finish credits for becoming an elementary school prinicipal
#2 Be back to "normal" weight
#3 Research and develop a business plan
#4 Find good dating partner who is good husband material

Seems simple enough I guess

2006-04-30T23:34:00.000-05:00

I lied to my ex. He called me a while back to apologize to me for the things he did to me during our relationship ad I lied to him, I told him I was married because I didn't want him to have the impression that I was still some sad sack pining away for him after all of these years that we have been apart but now, I kind of have to keep up the lie. He mailed me and said he wanted to speak to me and so I called him and he askes how's your husband? what does he do?, etc., all of these questions that I answered ad ow I feel terrible because I have created this HUGE lie that I have to keep up. IT is much bigger than I ever wanted it to be and it has gotten way out of proportion but, I don't know what to do.

Rant!

2006-04-26T05:34:00.000-05:00

I have been very upset thesee last few days. I think I've been feeling this for a while. I'm normally not a depressing person and really don't like my current mindset.

I HATE my job. It's not the children or particularly the place I work, it's the current state of education in general and its effect on my career. When I began teaching 7 years ago (something I thought would be temporary I might add), I loved what I did. I was good at it, I worked hard at it. It was something I enjoyed. Now, schools no longer exist to educate children. They have become test taking mills. Teachers have become babysitters and robots who all teach the same lessons from the same script at the same time of day. There is no true educating of children, it is getting them prepared for this or that test. My day has gone from the developing and strengthening of young minds to 3 hours of reading, 2 hours of math and an occassional period of science or social studies. There is no geography, no phonics, no creative writing, no music, art or even gym. It is learn to pass this test, pass that test. It is disgusting. Originally I thought I would become a principal and try to change things at least in the school I would be leading but truthfully, my heart is no longer there. I couldn't care less about what I do anymore. I simply don't care. Am I happy about this, not at all but, these are my feelings despite this. I would LOVE to open a bookstore or a cafe but truthfully, I am realistic about such a venture. I know that it takes capital which I do not have to start something like that. I know how difficult it is to even venture into that type of undertaking. I know that at this point in my life, I am not willing to take something like that on. I know that I fell defeated in many aspects. Even teaching in and of itseelf is my "safety" or fallback career. It is not what I started out in the world to do even though I do very well at it. I have allowed it take up much more of my time that I ever thought it would. When I ran my own business, that was optimum to me. I was very happy with what I was doing. I want to get back into that. So, what am I going to do? I'm not sure. This summer in order to keep advancing (make more money) I am going to take five classes and two tests. This will set me back another seven thousand dollars. I know it is an investment into myself but, I don't know if I want to invest into this career any longer.

I am on vacation

2006-04-18T06:57:00.000-05:00

for the next week or so. Sadly, my favorite part of being a teacher as of late as been all of the vacation time I get. I had big plans for yesterday. I was to wash three loads of clothes, mop ALL of my floors (since I have a tendency to bypass the rooms I don't use and therefore don't see). Dust EVERYTHING in the house. fix one of my curtain rods which looks like its about to fall straight onto my head, and of course, clean my bathrooms. Instead, I managed to eat, lay down, watch an old movie, eat some more, sleep, watch half of an old movie, take a really long nap, eat, watch half of "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka", take my extensions out and then sleep again. Ah well, another day in my life wasted. This morning though, I woke up early and have thus far washed two loads of clothes (the third is washing as I write this), put away all of the "should I wear this" clothes that seem to accumulate over the weekend and sweep all of my floors in preparation for the massive mopping. It's only 8 a.m. so, if I pull myself away from the computer, I should have a pretty good start to my day.

I've been on ebay buying up a storm. I've alwyas loved ebay but, I've been getting the most beautiful fabric for a FRACTION of the cost I would in a fabric shop. I bought 6 yards of this beautiful black silk with small outlines of gold leaves embroidered in the materia (much more pretty than it sounds) for 17 dollars, shipping included. I got 6 yards of another gorgeous fabric for 15 dollars with shipping included. And, I've got my eye on this silk salmon colored fabric which is only 1.35 a yard, ah, I almost can't take it.

I spoke to Mysterious Ex last week and he askend if he could see me. Itold him no and he got so angry at me, he told me that he wasn't going to speak to me anymore whichwas kind of funny when I reminded him I wasn't talking to him anyway. When he does things like that, it remids me of how selfish and childish he can be. I guess everyone has their faults but sometimes his seem so great, so undesireable.

This weekend was cool I guess. My nieces chose the menu for Easter dinner so I wound up making a HUGE pan of lasagna, three baked chickens, garlic bread, a big salad, banana pudding, red velvet cake and a pineapple upside down cake. I was tired after making all of that that while everyone chattered away, I laid on the couch and took a nap, right in the middle of all of the loudness that was my house. My dress came out great though, I underestimated how much material I would need for such a full skirt so it was more of a pencil skirt than a big flare circle skirt but, still cute. I got on the scale yesterday and I have gained 6 pounds so, I'm starting my strict diet again. I went partially off it for a while, littering my good eating with candies and turkey burgers and did not work out AT ALL. I'm hoping I have the same success with losing weight as quickly as I did earlier this year.

Life has been unusually boring

2006-04-10T10:57:00.000-05:00

and I haven't had much to say. I went to a very posh party with my cousin T this weekend. It was cool, it's always nice to be in a room full of cool upwardly mobile young Black folk, I don't know how to explain it, but, there always seems to be this energy. Had brounch with that guy last week and spoke to him a few times this week but, he has three children (I did not know that) so, I won't be going out with him again. He's cool though, we'll probably remain friends but, nothing more than that. I've decided to sew my Easter dress this year though I don't go to church or anything. The Heavenly One always likes to have Easter dinner as a family and since I displyed such culinary prowess for XMas, I have been asked to host this year's Easter dinner as well. Mind you, I haven't sewed in nearly 5 years but, I think I remember the hang of it. I bought a navy blue dupioni silk floral print for the skirt half, a cream colored dupioni silk for the bodice and navy solid dupioni for the bolero. I think it should come out well, at least I'm hoping it does. I plan on doing this style, which is a pattern from the late '40s/early 50's (my favorite era for clothing) though, I never use patterns, I make my own. The skirt and bodice will be like this:

and the bolero will be like this:

Despite all of my staying

2006-03-30T18:48:00.000-05:00

in the house and my "bah humbugish" attitude, I've been having a pretty decent, if not conventional week. I have tomorrow off (love the NYC Dept. of ED!) so I have a three day weekend ahead. The weather hasn't been too bad this week, so, I've been wearing really great outfits, been feeling quasi okay. This weekend, my Cousin T has vowed to keep me OUT of the house so, tomorrow, which she took off since I am off, we are going shopping, then to lunch then I guess to a movie. I NEVER go to the movies unless they are independent or I REALLY, REALLY want to see them (they look EXCEPTIONALLY good). "Regular" movies usually aren't that good and I get angry for having spent 12 dollars on some dumb hour and a half long movie. She'll spend the night with me, and then the next day, we're supposed to go to MOMA and then to her God daughter's birthday party. We'll go out to dinner afterwards. On Sunday, I'm supposed to have brunch with this guy that I've been telling I'm going to have brunch with for like weeks and since this weekend seems to be the mark of the end of my self imposed hibernation, I figured, what the hell, I'll go.

The school I interviewed with last week sent me tis huge package asking all of these questions (8 in all) that they want me to return to them by next week. The 8 questions have to be answered essay style and have to be more than 600 words but less than 800. It's quite irritating and I'm not looking forward to doing them. One part of me says to not even answer the questions, I think they may not hire me and I reallly don't want to spend hours and hours doing something for no reason but, the other side of me is like, just do it, you never know right?

I stopped speaking to Mysterious Ex about a week ago. I told him I didn't think our speaking to one another was beneficial to either of us. I love M.E. but I think I've come to the realization (for like the 50th time), that he and I just can't be together. Though we have this attraction to one another, not just physically but we are "at home" with one another, he's so wrapped up in everything else to be in the kind of relationship I am looking for. On the one hand, he says, as he always says, he wants us to be together and like I've said many times, on paper, he's exceptional but in the flesh, things just don't pan out for us. He's always off doing this that and the other and yes, I'm supportive of his desire to do so much for his financial life but, where does that leave "us"? So, once again, for like the 7th time in three years, we are not speaking. He tells me "we can't stay apart, you know we'll be together" and, I don't have an answer for him. I know that what I want and what he is offering right now isn't getting it so, I have to once again tell him goodbye. It hurts a bit but, that's reality.

2006-03-21T13:29:00.000-05:00

I haven't felt like doing much of anything lately, not really sure why. I haven't been hungry but, I managed to gain three pounds. How'd that happen? I'm not really sure.

I went on an interview yesterday for an assistant principal position. It's a position where I would work as a teacher for two years and then transition to a principal's position by year three. Anyway, there were two women I had to meet with. One was impressed with my resume and the things I've done as a teacher, running my own business, etc. The other said, and I QUOTE she thought my teaching style may be a "little touchy feely because I ran an afterschool Yoga program". I mean, is that not the dumbest thing anyone has ever heard? Because I ran an AFTERSCHOOL program where I taught Yoga, I'm a softie in the classroom? Where do those two things even meet? Also on my resume were the fact that I work with academically (by at least two years) delayed students, many who have emotional and behavioral problems, the fact that I have created alternative route education paths for children who have a difficult time learning "conventionally" and the fact that throughout my career, I have been used as a "miracle teacher" (a teacher who gets pulled out of her current assignment to go into another classroom and fix the mess some other teacher has created or not been able to handle), all of that was bypassed because Oh my God! I'mve taught Yoga! So stupid.

I've mostly been going to work and just going home though, I did go to the Harlem Tea Room this weekend, that was pretty nice. My cousin T says that I should get out more, I'm turning myself into a hermit but, I just haven't felt like it. If I didn't have to go to work, I wouldn't go. I just feel like I need to straighten some things out. I'm not sure right now how I'm going to go about doing that, but, for now, I feel I just want to hang in the cut.

Good Day Thus Far

2006-03-14T14:25:00.000-05:00

Didn't go to work today. When I woke up, it was cold, windy and rainy. I heard the wind, reached my hand from under the covers for the phone, called into work to take a personal day and have had the most wonderful day of hanging around doing nothing. I took a loooong shower, redid my hair, went off my diet and had chocolate chip pancackes and took a two hour nap. Wonderful.

My hero for the day is little Autumn Ashante who is spitting fire on a level most adults wouldn't even understand. Autumn recited a poem in school called "White Nationalism Put U In Bondage" in this poem, which I wish I had in it's entirety, she basically compares Colombus ad Darwin to vampires and pirates and she asks little Black children to recite a "Black Child's Pledge", which is basically a oath of responsibility and Black pride. I LOVE this kid, I LOVE her parents. Of course, people were offended because when children who were not children of color stood to take the pledge, she told them to sit down. She has since been banned from EVER performing in her school DISTRICT, (not just the school) for basically, offending white people. Now, I've been called prejudiced and, I'm not going to say I'm not, (I haven't had the greatest experiences) but with things like this and this,still in existence, and going stronger than almost ever I might add, is all of this hoopla necessary, over a little Black girl who has NO power? Really?

See the pot call the kettle black...

why do the man treat the people bad
and just expect them not to be mad?....

And you call me a savage, uncivilized
When its you who made lynching a way of life
And you don't want me to be mad
Well I say to you too bad
I'm a product of my environment...

Lyrics from Donnie's WildLife

Kind of Sad, but what great television there was last night

2006-03-13T13:52:00.000-05:00

On his way to my house Saturday morning, Mysterious Ex got into a car accident. I went to meet him, he's okay but, his truck will be out of commission for a while. So yesterday, I slept until 2 in the afternoon! What the crap is THAT about? Very strange. I was kind of bummed out for much of the day, I was very sleepy (I sleep a lot when I'm unhappy), I spoke on the phone for most of the day so that I could keep my mind off my sadness, it was just a general blah day. Then, 8 o'clock came and it was a mini television marathon for me. First, I watched The Simpsons, which is actually one of my favorite shows but I don't watch too often, that was a pretty good episode. Then, it was back to back tv goodness which was great for me, since I didn't want to have to think about crap. The Sopranos was pretty good (even though it took a year and a half to see some new episodes). The L Word was also pretty goood even though I feel bad for the actress who played Dana who now needs to get a new job. Then of course, I HAD to watch The Flavor of Love which really wasn't a surprise but fun to see anyway. Then, I stayed up until 4 in the morning, woke up late this morning, but still managed to get to work on time. I have a last period prep which basically means I am free until dismissal time. I was thinking of sneaking out but, I think I'll just grade some papers.

2006-03-11T03:21:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I am finding it very difficult to sleep. Mysterious Ex is supposed to come by in the morning, he said he wants to talk and he is bringing breakfast. I know that he is going to talk about us again and I know that he is going to say something I don't want to hear. I find him so strange at times, hence the name Mysterious Ex. He says he loves me, he says he wants to be with me, we seem to get along very well, we click like I haven't ever clicked with a person before in my life, he says the same thing but, he claims his job keeps him SO busy but, I have never in all of my life met someone as busy as he is. Often, I feel that he is lying to me but, I know him and lying and carrying on just really don't seem to fit into his personality. He really is a nice person, very sweet and kind so, I can't see him purposefully telling me untruths, purposefully hurting me but still, I don't understand.

For me, things are very simple. If I love someone, then they are important to me. I will not go as far as to say they are THE most important thing inmy life, but they are important. I will make time to be with the person I love, I will make sure that person KNOWS they are important to me. For me, ACTIONS speak louder than words. Not only will I TELL you I love you, you will SEE that I do. Things are not like that with him. He says I love you but to me, his actions do not evoke that. That is important to me. It is important for me to feel loved to feel as though I mean something to the person I am with, with him, I don't feel that way.

Mysterious Ex comes from a higher financial background than I do (my parents provided extremely well for me and my siblings but M.E.'s parents are on the cusp of being rich) so, it is important for him to be "more" than his parents. This means in addition to his "regular" job, which takes up about 10 hours of his day, he has side ventures, start ups that require his attention. Of course I am supportive of him, of course I want him to be successful, of course I am happy for him and his search for bettering (sp?) himself but I also do believe that if he really loved me as he claimed he did, this wouldn't be a problem, we would still be able to make this work.

I am staying up with the intentions of him waking me up when he gets here. I don't want to think about this before he gets here, I think it will make me too jittery, too nervous. I want to stay up as long as possible so that I will be asleep until he rings my bell. I hate this.

My Sister What is Up?

2006-03-09T17:47:00.000-05:00

Just finished watching the Tyra Banks show which admittedly, I don't normally watch. Her topic today was racism and on the show, she had two guests that were of particular interest to me.

One the guests was this woman named Shelly Williams. Shelly is a thick Black woman, someone that I thought was very pretty until I heard what came out of her mouth. Shelly said she HATES (yes, she used the word hates) Black women. She also mentioned hating Black men but, she had a particular disdain for Black women. She then went on to describe so many things she hated about them (me) that it's hard to even list but she mentioned Black women being loud, obnoxious, atitude-y and being Aunt Jemima nappy heads. She went on about how she didn't consider herself to be a Black woman, how she doesn't call herself Black and how she only dates White men. Needless to say, I was more than a bit shocked. Where the hell does this come from? How can a person look at themselves (especially someone with lucsiously beautiful black skin) and say they hate that? It really sadenned me. She mentioned that she permed her hair EVERY TWO WEEKS because she didn't want nappy hair. Being an absolute proud person of color, this baffles me, it's just sick.

The other guest was a Black woman named Jamilah who said she purposefully married a Korean man so that her children would have "good hair". She went on about how when she was a child, her sister who was lighter than her, was treated better than she was. She says she didn't want her children to have to live in a world where they were viewed as less beautiful or less than other people because of their skin color or hair texture. There was also an Asian woman who had eye surgery to make her eyes appear more Caucasian. Again, all of this saddens me. What does one even say to a person like this? Someone who is so self loathing?

As a big fat, black nappy headed woman, one who has ALWAYS loved herself I just DON'T understand. I know this will come across as racist but, oh well. I can't see myself wanting to do something to myself to make ME look like those who are (and have been for centuries) oppressive, racist, and life stealing towards others just because of the way they look. Knowing MY history in this country and how I am viewed, I am happy, thrilled actually at my skin, my naps, my big nose, lips, hips, butt and everything else. It is who I am. I cannot, will not understand someone who lives their lives wanting to be something they are not especailly when the something they want to be reflects that of a race who have single handedly caused so much death and destruction world wide. I enthusiastically pick out my fro and throw my fist in the air on that one.

Lyrics from Welcome To The Colored Section by Donnie

Cloud Nine

"Yes, I wear the lamb's wool, the feet of burned brass and the wool defies gravity like the nature of a cloud".

"Happy to be nappy. I'm Black and I'm proud that I have been chosen to wear the conscious cloud".

"I could be a chameleon and wear it bone straight. But it's so much stronger when it's in it's nappy state."

"Don't let them tell you that you're ugly."

Meal Post

2006-03-07T14:05:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the love guys. I'm very happy with my weight loss so thanks for your kind words. As I told Slow Metamorphosis I would, here are my meals for the day.

Breakfast:

6 strawberries
1/2 cup blueberries
1 container Stony Field Farms Organic Strawberry Yogurt
3 Tbsp Berkely and Jensen Granola

Snack

4 pieces of organic pineapple
6 pieces of organic honey dew melon
10 red seedless organic grapes

Lunch

Medium Salad - handful of EarthBound Farms Organic Romaine Hearts, handful of Organic baby romanie, handful of organic baby spinach, 1 organic Roma tomato, some fat free italian dressing

2 chicken breast wraps - 2 slices whole wheat organic wrap tortialla thingy
2 ounces of Thuman's Chicken Breast, handful of Organic Spring Mix

20 ounces Crystal Light Pink Lemonade

Snack

2 whole grain pretzels
1 organic fuji apple

Anticipated Dinner (if I get hungry)

a big salad (like the one I had for lunch)
water
yogurt with fruit or just some fruit

Wow, Again.

2006-03-06T23:27:00.000-05:00

I reached my 30 pound mark today. I'm so excited about that. It has been much easier to lose weight than I thought it would be. Now, I have about 40 to go, but wow, 30, not bad at all, especially in 8 weeks.

Over the weekend I was feeling very lonely or I don't know, weird, so, I called Mysterious Ex and asked him to come over. I know that I said I didn't want him to come to my house so soon but, this was my choice, I really just needed him to come by. So, he brought breakfast, we ate, read the paper and just hung out, nothing special, and no sex, though, we did kiss. It felt so comfortable being with him, I'm not sure if it's because I love him or just because we click so well, but it wasn't even as though time had passed, we just fell into our usual habits, sitting on the couch while he rubbed my feet, me brushing his hair as we watched television. I asked him how he felt about our seeing one another and he said he thought it would be a bit weird since we haven't seen one another in a really long time but, it didn't he said, it just felt normal. My sentiments exactly.

So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my ex, ex, the one who called me and I called back recently. Truth be told, I think I'm just going to leave it alone. I loved him and he was a HUGE part of my life, we were together for five years, he is the first man I've ever loved, the first man I ever had sex with, the person who just a few years ago, I thought I would be with forever but, that's gone now. I'm not that person anymore and I don't think I could be for him what he thinks I am. The girl I was years ago and the woman I am now are different. My roots are in her, but I am not her. I think she is who he loves, that girl that he used to know. In many ways, I am not the person I was because of him. There isn't any way that I could just go back to that. I am cool with myself now. As much as I may complain about my life, I'm really cool and I don't want to back track. I'm just going to close that section of my life.

Now, I admittedly am not a fan of modern day hip hop, I'm a child of the 80's/90's: A Tribe Called Quest, De La Soul, BDP, etc. but wasn't it cool to see 36 Mafia win their Oscar last night? That was cool.

So, Mysterious Ex asked me out for later this week. He says he wants us to talk and I'm thinking, what else could we talk about? With him, it's a bit scary at times so, I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Wow

2006-03-02T21:53:00.000-05:00

I almost can't believe it. The other day, my ex boyfriend who I haven't spoken to in five years called THO. He left her his info and asked that I call him. I didn't call him for days because I was thinking, "What does HE want?" "What is THIS about?" I called him and he apologized. Apologized for all of the things he did to me while we were together, apologized for the way he treated me, apologized for eing such an asshole. It was unbelievable. Still, right now, it all seems so surreal. It's just weird I guess, strange to think that I spoke to him, stranger still that he apologized because years ago, he was NOT that type of person. I guess stranger things have happened.

He and I exchanged email addresses and already, he has mailed me. He wants to know, without any pressure, if he and I could be friends and possiblyturn that into "more". Again, it is such a strange situation that I don't know how I feel about it exactly. I think one of the thngs I'm thinking is "why can't this be Mysterious Ex?" I know I have to stop that, I know I shouldn't do that but, I can't help it. A man I haven't spoken to, seen or heard from in FIVE YEARS jumps up one day and says "I love you, I think you're great, I want to be with you". Just like that, throws his heart on the line and M.E. who says he loves me more than this and that, he wants me and feels I am the ying to his yang son't nudge at all. It's like, at this point, do I just give in, date M.E. or even this old boyfriend? But, Goddess I don't want to sound whiny, but, those are not the people I want. Why are things this way? Why is everything so complicated?

So cool

2006-03-01T00:04:00.000-05:00

While reading Donna's blog Creamy Crack, I read a comment by LDB Living on Purpose, where I saw a mention of Inspire Me Thursday which led me to post this self portrait. My major in undergrad was Fine Arts/Graphic Design and one of my Masters is in Graphic Design. I paint and create every so often, but this, is cool.

I used colored pencils on black illustration board because it's fast and I'm a bit sleepy.

Well

2006-02-24T00:40:00.000-05:00

I went out with MD (really nice church guy) yesterday and he really is nice. He's smart, tall, good looking, funny, sweet, gentlemanly. So, why am I not that "into" him? Then I remember, he's just so churchy. Everything is god this and god that. Let's pray before we eat a french fry, let's pray before we cross the street. Though he's nice, I know there isn't anyway that he and I could ever REALLY have a relationship becuase in a word, I'm a heathen. Most black folks LOVE their god, and while I personally don't find anything wrong with that, organized religion of almost any form, and christianity in particular (which I personally view as a white male chauvanistic entitiy which down plays the role of women in biblical history and uses a badly re-written text which omits or plain changes many of the facts and the color and ethnicity of it's main character) just doesn't sit well with me. MD, I think, thinks that I am on the verge of being holy. Like "she just needs a good man and a baby then she'll go to church" kind of thing. But church, religion and what it stands for (taking poor folks money) just isn't my thing. So, I doubt that anything will come into fruition between MD and I because nothing will definitely come into fruition with me and his beloved church.

Lost 27 pounds thus far which has been VERY encouraging. Thus far, I've lost 4 inches off my waist, two off my upper arms, 1 off my thighs (I have THUNDER thighs, but, I say that with love) 2 inches off my calves and I think 3 or 4 off my hips, don't remember. Today, I put on a pair of yoga pants, which I love, they are my favorite "hanging around the house, not leaving a 5 block radius around the house" type pants. And what? They were TOO BIG. They hung way down on my hips, were too big in my thighs and actually dragged on the floor. I should still work out though, and much more than just walking. My stomach, thighs and butt look good but, my upper arms are getting flabby, I notice the difference. But my lazy ass, instead of thinking of the bicep and tricep curls that I SHOULD be doing, and can do because I have a friggin' Total Gym Platinum as well as numerous free weights in the house, just decided that I wouldn't wear anything sleeveless for a while (it's winter anyway, right?). So, only 43 more ponds to go. Doesn't seem as bas as that 70 I had to tackle a few weeks back.

I wore an afro puff piece yesterday and so now, I am trying to figure out what I should do with my hair. I really don't have any plans for tomorrow, and my nieces called and asked if they could stay over Saturday night (not sure about that yet) so, I want to get my hair done between tonight and tomorrow. I still am not used to my hair being this short. Today, as I walked around the house, I kept shocking myself because everytime I look in a mirror (and for some reason, I seem to have a lot of mirrors around the house), I see this short bushy haired chick who kind of looks like me, but not quite. It's very strange. I was going to attempt some tiny two strand twists just to see how they look, my dumb ass actually measured my hair and after the trim I gave myself the other day, I have about 3.25 inches of hair on my head, a bit of a shocker but, that's reality. However, I must say I'm LOVING my hair, I had my hands in it for most of the day. It' SO thick, and SO curly, I am never, ever, ever, never going back to the perm. While visiting The Heavenly One (mom, who uses no chemicals) I asked her, "why did I perm my hair ma?" Her answer (in a whiny and mocking voice) "cause you HAD to have it straight, remember?" Oh yeah.

Every morning, along with my other vitamins, I've been taking GNC's Hair, Skin and Nails Formula. It got really GREAT review on DrugStore.com so, I'm giving it a try just to see if it works. In addition, every night before I go to bed, I've been spraying an olive oil, rosemary, water mixture on my head which is supposed to stimulate hair growth.

So, I'll see.

Racism Maybe?

2006-02-21T21:22:00.000-05:00

Since I am off for the week, I decided to untwist my hair so that I could properly wash and condition it and let it rest for a bit. Not that having my hair in the twists is at all stressful to it, I just really wanted to try out some of the shampoo and conditioner I made. Since this isn't the first time in my life that I have worn my hair natural, I have a bunch of hair recipes that I use when my hair is in it's natural state. Anyway, I decided that since is the way my hair is going to be FOREVER and since I've never worn my hair this short (very limiting in styles, to me) I wanted to buy an afro wig. So, I began searching and searching and searching. With the exception of a few wigs at this site:
Katour Wigs most of the wigs that consist of natural Black, African-American, Afro, type hair (whatever you wish to call it) MY natural hair type, are clown wigs. This goes for many of the dred loc type wigs too, they are from costume shops or are meant to be funny. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I am not the most open minded person to the world and I normally see things with a "racial twist" to them, from goings on at my job to television commercials but, I find it almost disturbing that natural afro type hair is used as clown hair. Why in the hell do clowns have afros? And, why in the hell is this funny? I told my cousin T (who is my best friend, quite rational and very clever) and her answer was, and I quote "yeah, clowns have big noses and big lips too". The other thing I saw where whores. Clowns and whores.

Now, how could ANYONE as beautiful as this:

or this:

or this:

or this:

ever be mixed up/made fun of (don't know the exact words I'd like to use) with this:

or this:

It's just disgusting.

Arrrgh

2006-02-21T00:05:00.000-05:00

Been emotionally eating for the last day or two. I know better than that but doing it anyway. At the very least, I haven't eaten anything that could be catergorized as being "bad" for me, just eating a lot of the good stuff.

Despite what I said I would do, I continued to speak to Mysterious Ex. I know it was stupid, I know it was something I should not have done, but did. The last time I spoke to him, we spoke for about 2 and a half hours and he said a few times during our conversation that he wanted to see me this weekend. Now, I don't think I would have seen him, it wasn't something that I really wanted to do since I knew that would be opening a can I didn't want to open so I told him "we'll see". But, this weekend came and went and he didn't call me, I didn't hear from him, not once. Typical of M.E. the same thing over and over. He really does confuse me, I don't understand how he would go on and on about seeing me and then boom, nothing. This is why I shouldn't be speaking with him, this is why I broke up with him months ago, I never seem to learn. I think that I keep hoping that he will be different. I don't want to use the word change because I know he won't. He keep ing hoping deep down that he will understand the things that he does and just stope doing them, act correctly sometimes but, that isn't what he does. It upsets me though I know I shouldn't allow it to.

I am on vacation for the entire week for President's Week. So, I really don't have much planned. I am supposed to have lunch with MD (really nice church guy) on Wednesday and I was thinking of calling this guy I dated for a short bit of time last year. I have to write two essays for the Principal Training program, I don't want to do it, truthfully I think it's a bit silly, but it has to be done. I start my work out routine tomorrow. I can definitely say I'm not looking forward to that.

New Hairstyle

2006-02-16T23:26:00.000-05:00

So far, I've lost 25 pounds, which is GREAT, especially since I haven't been working out as I should. Next week I have the ENTIRE week off! Which will give me a chance to finish up some of the redcorating I've started in the house and implement some exercise into my routine.

After chopping off all of my hair, I just oculdn't do it. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my hair, I always love my hair when it is natural. But, I've never had hair that short and it just felt kind of weird so, I bought some hair (kinky hair, actually, it was called Marley Braid) and I twisted my hair. It took about hours but, I went to The Heavenly One's house and sat on her living room floor, we ran our mouths, ate and watched movies so it wasn't that bad. So, I went from this:

to this:

But, I very well couldn't just walk around with all of this hair swinging all over the place, it just got in the way, going from 4 inches of hair to hair down the middle of my back in a few hours. So, I went to Nappturality.com and stole a hairstyle from a member named Schiffon (thanks girl and sorry I lost the address to your page) and did this to my hair:

Thus far, I like it, though I must admit that my bun is VERY large. I tried to smush it amd make it smaller, but that didn't work.

Since I have rather dry scalp and it's winter, under MotownGirl's advice, I made a leave in conditioner/moisturizer out of Creme of Nature's Nourishing Conditioner, a little olive oil and marm water, I put this into a spray bottle and before bed, I spritz a little on my hair and scalp and every other night, I work a little shea butter into my scalp. So far so good.

Admittedly, I have been speaking to Mysterious Ex for the last couple of days. Why? I don't know. I know that I shouldn't, but I have anyway. I told MD (nice church guy) that I would have brunch with him this Sunday after church. I already know that I will find something unbearably wrong with him, though I will try hard not to do so.

I bought a new old album by Amp Fiddler and have been listening to it for much of the evening, it's pretty solid piece of work. I'll have to listen to it much more.

Happy V Day

2006-02-14T22:21:00.000-05:00

I spent Valentine's Day Evening watching Paula Abdul find a date on the
Dr. Phil Valentine's Evening I Need Love Special (or whatever it was called), giving myself a pedicure then chomping down on some yogurt and granola. THO gave me some flowers, how sweet, my brother gave me a card and a box of candy, awwwwww. And Sam, gave me a big wet kiss, even though he gives me those whether it's Valentine's Day or not. So, if you didn't get a Valentine today, here's one from me to you:

2006-02-09T22:43:00.000-05:00

I've lost 23 pounds so far. Four inches off my waist so hopefully, I'll be back to normal soon.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I've been speaking to Myseterious Ex again. I know that I shouldn't talk to him but, I love him, I do and that complicates matters a lot. He kept saying he wanted to see me, I told him no over and over and over again but he went on and on about it, saying how much he missed me, how much he loved me and thought I was great and so eventually, I broke down. Tuesday was his birthday so, I told him I would bake him a cake. He tells me, "I would love that but unfortunately, I'm going to be in Jersey all day that day". Which leads right back into me thinking he is a liar. I mean literally for weeks he's all, "I love you", "You're the closest thing to perfect in my eyes", "I miss you", "I want to see you", "I want to kiss you", blah, blah and finally I say yes and then it's "Oh, well I'll be in Jersey". SOmething with him just isn't right. I mean, how convenient that he's available seemingly everyday EXCEPT for his birthday. I hate myself so much for even loving him though, I have to ask myself, what exactly is it I love about him because the person that is him, the person that I know, was only very average acting to me. I mean, on paper, he's a great guy but realistically, he's not that good, at least not to me. So, why am I even going through this? Why am I not allowing myself to get over this? Why am I dismissing other men but react so eagerly when he gives me just the slightest bit of attention? I think that I want him to love me the way he says he does. Not I think, I know that's what I want. I asked him this question, which he did not answer, but which I would love to know: If he thinks I'm so great and wonderful, if he loves me so much and wants me so badly, why is he not behaving as though that is the truth? Saying something and doing it are two different things. He says things, and I allow myself to fall for what he says, I allow myself to be swayed by him and I hate myself for that. I know that I'm better than this and Goddess knows that I know I am worth SO much more than this. I'm great. There is no conceit when I say that, I know for sure that I am a wonderful woman, I say that with nothing but honesty. So why, I must ask myself, am I doing this? Why is this so hard for me? Can I honestly believe that I love someone who treats me this way? It's sick.

MD (nice guy I met during my summer classes) called me the other day and invited me to brunch on Sunday. Originally, I told him I couldn't make it, I came up with some excuse or another but tomorrow, I am going to call him and I am going to go out with him. He is a nice guy, he has himself together but, I sit here pining for some man how is doing Goddess even knows what. I'm going to make myself stop. This is ridiculous, I have to move on.

This is the funniest thing I've seen all day!

2006-02-07T02:13:00.000-05:00

Oh, it's so late, I'm up and I can't call anyone. This is by far, the funniest thing I've seen all day.

I opted to chop it.

2006-02-07T01:36:00.000-05:00

I gathered all of my hair into a ponytail and chopped it off.

The ponytail I chopped off.

After I shaped it up, this is what I am left with:

My very short, but all natural hair.

To Chop, or Not to Chop?

2006-02-06T00:01:00.000-05:00

I went natural a while back. I mean permanently natural. I've decided that I will never again use chemicals in my hair, I more than likely will not use heat on my hair either. Here, in lies the problem. My hair, all of my hair currently, is about 16 inches long, only about 4.5 inches of my hair is completely natural, kinky curly. The rest of it is processed and straight. I twisted my hair and have been wearing it like that for the past few weeks since I have two textures upon my head, the straight and the kinky. Tonight, I untwisted my hair and the chemically treated part of my hair, in my eyes, is ugly, it's thin, droopy, I don't like it, and I don't want it. I think I might just chop it all off, go for The Big Chop as it is called. Then, I would be left with a Teeny Weeny Afro. (which looks wonderful on this woman).

But, I'm kind of scared. I've never had hair that short. I think it looks beautiful on many people, I'm just not sure how it's going to look on me. Even in the past, when I've been natural, I've usually had a medium sized to a big ass afro

and now, my afro will be all of 4.5 (or less once I shape it) inches long. I'm afraid of having that little hair. I know that my hair will grow back and more than likely, by the end of the year, I'll have all of my length back but, I'm still scared. To chop or not to chop, that is the question.

Utterly Unbelievable

2006-01-31T21:13:00.000-05:00

I have not worked out. Well, I did one day, but only one day. However, I have managed to lose 20 pounds thus far and, I've even had some ice cream. I've decided that February would be the month that I actually start working out. I know that my body will not continue all of this weight shedding on it's own.

Life has been kind of confusing lately. I keep going back on decisions that I've already made. I'm not sure what I should do exactly.

2006-01-24T00:42:00.000-05:00

Holding steady at 15 pounds after eating this way for 19 days. I realize all of that was water weight, and now I have to really work to get the rest of the pounds off. The thing is, I'm REALLY lazy. I've been waking up early so that I can get in a good half hour of exercise before I begin my day but mostly I've used the time to lay in bed, give Sam belly rubs and think about what I might make for dinner when I get home. Working out really isn't even hard for me, I'm just SO lazy and really don't want to work out. I'm a sicky.

Mysterious Ex mailed me again, he says he wants to talk about "us", and while I will admit that I am intrigued and interested, I really just can't give in that easily. It isn't that I am playing hard but, I don't think he and I can be a good couple. I love M.E., I think he loves me. Truthfully, if I were to have a "perfect guy" he is it however, our relationship has always been so strained. I don't think it is worth the heart ache. However, M.E. is a very special person but, it's just too much.

My nieces spent the weekend with me this past weekend. It's hard work having kids in the house. I had to make sure they ate, bathed, I had to do their hair, make sure they brush their teeth, make sure they're not burning down my house. Very tiring. The good thing about my nieces is because of Sweet Brother, they are such foodies. I made a grilled chicken salad with balsamic vinigarette, raddichio, arugala, walnuts, apples, tangerined and cherry tomatoes, and they slurped it up like it was hamburger and french fries. They even asked me to make some so that they could take it home. I was actually impressed by their little taste buds. Another funny thing is they wanted to do everything I did. They wanted to me to style their hair like mine, they wanted to wash their faces with the same face cleanser I used instead of the one their mom packed for them. They wanted to use my perfume, my bath products and on occassion, I even saw them mimicking (not in a making fun of way) the way I sit or talk. Very cute. I made them a HUGE breakfast on Sunday consisting of fruit salad, pancakes, sausages, scrambled eggs, cinnamon toast, hot chocolate and orange juice. I invited The Heavenly One over (since she's right up the block) and we had a HUGE feast. I then made them some cinnamon rolls and chocolate chip, walnut, pecan cookies (which I made them take home). Sam had an absolute ball with them and and needless to say, we slept our behinds off when they left. All in all, a pretty good weekend.

Ugh!

2006-01-19T14:11:00.000-05:00

Thus far, I have lost about 15 pounds which is cool though admittedly, I need to work out more. I'm pretty lazy, even when I used to exercise regularly, it was something I made myself do and for a semester I taught a yoga class to 4th, and 5th graders so it was like I HAD to work out for 2 hours three afternoons a week because you know, I was the teacher. Anyway, it has been a bit of a struggle to convince myself to work out, the thing is, I KNOW the benefits of working out, I will lose weight faster, I will tone up and not be a flabby, thinner me and I will feel even better than I do now. However, like I said, I am lazy and physical activity beyond shopping or sex just really isn't my forte. It's sad, but, it's true. On a related side note, last night I put on a rather slinky night gown that I haven't worn in a REALLY long time and it fit perfectly, I still can't see how I managed to gain 70 pounds but, I guess the scale doesn't lie. Anyway, I feel really great physically. I no longer feel sluggish, I don't need a nap when I get home from work and my entire body just seems to be working better, not sure if that is true, I just feel really good physically. I've been eating LOTS of fruit and vegetables and like two or three times a week, I eat some chicken or fish. I may cut out the chicken entirely though, since I am a bit scared of the bird flu but, that's an entirely different thing.

I spoke to the former would be father of my possible child to be and told him, right now, though it is something I want to do, we should put off the baby making. This is a huge decision and I want it to feel right. I don't want to rush into becoming a mommy and especially not a single mommy because I am afraid of my tumor. I am afraid of it, believe me, I am scared to death of what it may do to my ability to reproduce in the future but right now, that isn't something that I can really think about. It's like my mind is all over the place. I need to concentrate on one area then another. First things, first, I at least want to get back to my former size before I even consider becoming pregnant, it's just something I feel I need to do.

Work, now is dull as hell, I miss teaching smaller children, I miss being inthe classroom full time. I miss the excitement children have when they learn something new, I miss the children's reacitons when I show them soemthing for the first time or how they feel when they complete their first report, complete their first science experiment on their own. I am going to start looking now for a lower classroom position for next year. Where I am now just isn't gratifying to me, I'm not really happy.

Though physically I feel great, emotionally, I have been a bit upset. I am not sure I feel a real grip on where my life is headed. Everything that I thought I would be doing at this age has not happened. I'm not even in the career I thought I would be in. I've been thinking deeply about a lot of things lately. When I was away ove the weekend, I had a lot of time to think. I've thought maybe I should just sell the house and go live abroad, I love Italy. I lived there for a few months while in college and I could make decent money teaching english and being an associate professor at one of the American universities that have campuses there. I've thought I should try my hand at my own business again. This time, I could do it in addition to working instead of doing it in lieu of working full time. I've thought maybe I should sell my house and move to a smaller city. I'm tired of New York, I've been here all of my life and at this point, it's just boring. I love the museums, the parks, the vibrancy of the city but, it's so big, so impersonal, I think at times I'm ready for a change. Not to mention with the money I could get for this house, I could be a FANTASTICE house somewhere else and still have money left over to invest into a business of my own. I don't think I want to be in education for the rest of my life, it seems to me to be a very dull existence.

Then, there's the relationship, love side of things. Lately, I've been feeling very lonely and have been ignoring the urge to want to call Mysterious Ex. He put it out there and I want to speak to him. He's so comfortable and safe (sort of), and so his reaching out to me has made me want to speak with him though I know it isn't something I should do. Very often it enters into my mind that I don't want to be married or anything. For a long time, since I was an older teenager, I've been in search of a "good man", someone that I could possibly share a life with, have children with, love and who would love me. But as I get older, go through relationships and see people I know in theirs, I don't know if it is something I want to do anymore. It's so time consuming, so hurtful. Almost everyone I know that is married or in a long term relationship is not happy. I don't want to be that way. At this point, I'm not sure if I want to share my living space with anyone. I'm so used to being alone and on my own. I mean, theoretically, yes, that is what I want, the husband, kids, all that jazz. But realistically, is it even possible? I don't wnat to set myself up for disappointment and failure. I will not lie. My breakup with Mysterious Ex still hurts, it's six months later and still, if I think about it, I can cry. Despite the men I've dated after our breakup, I still think of him, of us. Why would I want to put myself through that again. Any sadness that I may feel now pales in comparison to the hurt that I felt when he and I were together. Why would I want to feel that again? So, I'm stuck in this phase, where do I go now, what do I do? What do I want? I'm not sure.

I feel GREAT!

2006-01-13T17:35:00.000-05:00

So, in an attempt to lose much needed weight, I have decided to go all natural. I did this while I was in college but truthfully, haven't cared much either way what I put into my mouth as long as it wasn't too gross. So, not only for weight loss, but for over all health, I have cut out refined sugars, flours and food. I gave all of my flour and sugar to The Heavenly One and bought whole wheat flour (which I have yet to use), ane sugar in the raw (which I have used in small quantities in teas and such). I also have bought all organic food, organic unrefined shea butter, cocoa butter and coconut oil for all of my bodily moisturization needs. With the exception of green and herbal teas, the only other thing besides for water that I have been drinking is this orange. mango, apple juice smoothie that I bought from this organic, natural company and even that I water down. I found these great multi grain all natural pretzels (which have become like crack to me) and I've been snacking on these granola bars by Kashi, which are actually very good. I think Gwendolyn Oblivion told me about Kashi cereal. Other than that, I've eaten veggies, fruit, more veggies and some chicken or fish when I feel like being carnivorous.

So, I've had ample amounts of energy lately, Sam and I have been going out a lot, I just need to exercise more (I'm still very lazy when it comes to that). So far, I've lost 10 pounds, and even thought I know that mostly water weight, it feels good to be able to write that. I truly haven't felt this good in a really long time.

So, Mysterious Ex and I exchanged two rounds of emails. He wanted to call me and I basically asked him, "what will we talk about? Please tell me now what it is you feel we need to speak about? What do you have to tell me now that you didn't get the chance to speak with me about in a year and a half and then the six months following that?" He didn't have an answer. His response to me was "you must really hate me now, huh?" My answer to him was, "Please, M.E. you're such a fucking manipulator". That was it. I'm very proud of myself. There was admittedly a small part of me that wanted to speak to him but, really, at this point, what WOULD we talk about? It's just silly, it would be a waste of both our times, not to mention an emotional investment I am not willing to make.

So, I'm going to Philly for the weekend. I rented a villa. I'm going to do a little shopping and a little "hiking".

What the Hell?

2006-01-08T01:52:00.000-05:00

Mysterious Ex called me today, 5 times. I didn't answer the phone, (I was here twice when he called), I just looked at the phone. I sent a letter a while back but, it wasn't a please call me, we need to talk letter it was just an, "end of the year get you out of my system so I can move on with my life" kind of letter. I don't want to speak to him. Why is he calling me? I don't think I even want to know why.